I need some help with a situation that has been brewing for a couple of months now. My wife of 10 years and I talked about possibly being in an open relationship in October. I had some reservations, but I agreed because I wanted to make her happy. We love each other very much and spend 90% of our time doing hobbies and activities together.
The circumstance that I was to believe, was that the open relationship would involve a mutual friend of ours, who had experience in poly/open relationships, and not involve strangers, of course, for safety. We didn't set any boundaries in the beginning, which was a big point where we screwed up. We didn't do any research on what some boundaries could be and what we would be comfortable with.
One of the biggest things that has come to fruition is that I don't want her to have a romantic relationship with anyone (which was agreed on with the mutual friend, because that's not what they wanted). Some time passed and, being the busy couple we are, nothing ever happened with the friend. We could never find a consistent time for them to meet up. This led to her seeking other partners. I myself reached out and tried to find a partner, through mutual hobbies or relationship ideas, with no avail, making the situation not something that I wanted to pursue further.
So, my wife does adult internet sales on the side of her day job, and met a guy not far from where we live. They started to talk more often and started to make an emotional connection and wanted to have a relationship, but it was to be more than just a sexual relationship
Certain events happened in our day-to-day life. I started having some concerns about being in an open relationship. It evolved into her wanting to be poly. We have had a few discussions in the last couple of months about certain things that were a concern, and have worked our way through them slowly and painfully, hoping to mull things over and make everyone happy.
This past month, I agreed to let my wife travel to go see the mutual friend and have a weekend of sexual exploration. I was using this as a test to see how I would feel in the long run with her having sexual partners. On her way home, she would be meeting with the guy she had met online and had been talking to for a few months. I had my reservations, but gave the okay, as long as there were no sexual relations this time.
We spoke about timeframes and what time things would happen. My wife can be forgetful sometimes. She didn't follow the schedule we had spoken about and hurt the trust I had for the situation. I made that abundantly clear when she got home, in a way that wasn't mean, but truthful.
There has been a lot of emotional and mental strain on me because of the situation, and working through everything has been tough. I told my wife after she got home that I couldn't handle that strain anymore and wanted us to call it quits being poly. She was frustrated because we had agreed for her to see this guy here in a few days.
I don't think being friends with the guy will end up fixing anything, but my wife wanted me to reach out and talk to him, to hopefully try to make everything tolerable for everyone, since earlier on we had talked about him traveling to where we live and them visiting each other. I reached out today to speak to him and got some concerns off of my chest, which didn't REALLY help, but allowed me to speak to him about his motives and long-term goals for the relationship. His girlfriend has the same concerns and reservations as I do, and that was brought up.
We are at a point where I have reached out to the mutual friend for some guidance on what we should do. He has never been in this kind of situation before, of course, because he's never been married, but it was worth a shot. The biggest thing now is that I've promised to let her meet this guy this month. I've told her that this will be the last time I think I can handle heartache, if we can't figure things out beforehand.
My wife and I have very strong feelings for each other, to the point that we never want anything to come between us and cause us to separate. But this has been a growing wedge between us that we haven't been able to figure out a solution to.
In reality, we have 3 scenarios that could happen. The first: everything gets ironed out and we are all happy in the end. The second: I cannot be accepting of her wanting be poly and become the bad guy, forcing her to make a very tough decision, which hurts her and forces her to make a choice she may not want to make. And the third: I'll break apart, not handle the anxiety and stress and remove myself from the situation, if that means us separating.
We are at a loss and don't know what to do. She doesn't want to see me hurt for something she is doing, and I don't want to be the husband that can't give her everything she needs and deserves. We are stuck.
The circumstance that I was to believe, was that the open relationship would involve a mutual friend of ours, who had experience in poly/open relationships, and not involve strangers, of course, for safety. We didn't set any boundaries in the beginning, which was a big point where we screwed up. We didn't do any research on what some boundaries could be and what we would be comfortable with.
One of the biggest things that has come to fruition is that I don't want her to have a romantic relationship with anyone (which was agreed on with the mutual friend, because that's not what they wanted). Some time passed and, being the busy couple we are, nothing ever happened with the friend. We could never find a consistent time for them to meet up. This led to her seeking other partners. I myself reached out and tried to find a partner, through mutual hobbies or relationship ideas, with no avail, making the situation not something that I wanted to pursue further.
So, my wife does adult internet sales on the side of her day job, and met a guy not far from where we live. They started to talk more often and started to make an emotional connection and wanted to have a relationship, but it was to be more than just a sexual relationship
Certain events happened in our day-to-day life. I started having some concerns about being in an open relationship. It evolved into her wanting to be poly. We have had a few discussions in the last couple of months about certain things that were a concern, and have worked our way through them slowly and painfully, hoping to mull things over and make everyone happy.
This past month, I agreed to let my wife travel to go see the mutual friend and have a weekend of sexual exploration. I was using this as a test to see how I would feel in the long run with her having sexual partners. On her way home, she would be meeting with the guy she had met online and had been talking to for a few months. I had my reservations, but gave the okay, as long as there were no sexual relations this time.
We spoke about timeframes and what time things would happen. My wife can be forgetful sometimes. She didn't follow the schedule we had spoken about and hurt the trust I had for the situation. I made that abundantly clear when she got home, in a way that wasn't mean, but truthful.
There has been a lot of emotional and mental strain on me because of the situation, and working through everything has been tough. I told my wife after she got home that I couldn't handle that strain anymore and wanted us to call it quits being poly. She was frustrated because we had agreed for her to see this guy here in a few days.
I don't think being friends with the guy will end up fixing anything, but my wife wanted me to reach out and talk to him, to hopefully try to make everything tolerable for everyone, since earlier on we had talked about him traveling to where we live and them visiting each other. I reached out today to speak to him and got some concerns off of my chest, which didn't REALLY help, but allowed me to speak to him about his motives and long-term goals for the relationship. His girlfriend has the same concerns and reservations as I do, and that was brought up.
We are at a point where I have reached out to the mutual friend for some guidance on what we should do. He has never been in this kind of situation before, of course, because he's never been married, but it was worth a shot. The biggest thing now is that I've promised to let her meet this guy this month. I've told her that this will be the last time I think I can handle heartache, if we can't figure things out beforehand.
My wife and I have very strong feelings for each other, to the point that we never want anything to come between us and cause us to separate. But this has been a growing wedge between us that we haven't been able to figure out a solution to.
In reality, we have 3 scenarios that could happen. The first: everything gets ironed out and we are all happy in the end. The second: I cannot be accepting of her wanting be poly and become the bad guy, forcing her to make a very tough decision, which hurts her and forces her to make a choice she may not want to make. And the third: I'll break apart, not handle the anxiety and stress and remove myself from the situation, if that means us separating.
We are at a loss and don't know what to do. She doesn't want to see me hurt for something she is doing, and I don't want to be the husband that can't give her everything she needs and deserves. We are stuck.