Needing help with a poly marriage

Diverdude

New member
I need some help with a situation that has been brewing for a couple of months now. My wife of 10 years and I talked about possibly being in an open relationship in October. I had some reservations, but I agreed because I wanted to make her happy. We love each other very much and spend 90% of our time doing hobbies and activities together.

The circumstance that I was to believe, was that the open relationship would involve a mutual friend of ours, who had experience in poly/open relationships, and not involve strangers, of course, for safety. We didn't set any boundaries in the beginning, which was a big point where we screwed up. We didn't do any research on what some boundaries could be and what we would be comfortable with.

One of the biggest things that has come to fruition is that I don't want her to have a romantic relationship with anyone (which was agreed on with the mutual friend, because that's not what they wanted). Some time passed and, being the busy couple we are, nothing ever happened with the friend. We could never find a consistent time for them to meet up. This led to her seeking other partners. I myself reached out and tried to find a partner, through mutual hobbies or relationship ideas, with no avail, making the situation not something that I wanted to pursue further.

So, my wife does adult internet sales on the side of her day job, and met a guy not far from where we live. They started to talk more often and started to make an emotional connection and wanted to have a relationship, but it was to be more than just a sexual relationship

Certain events happened in our day-to-day life. I started having some concerns about being in an open relationship. It evolved into her wanting to be poly. We have had a few discussions in the last couple of months about certain things that were a concern, and have worked our way through them slowly and painfully, hoping to mull things over and make everyone happy.

This past month, I agreed to let my wife travel to go see the mutual friend and have a weekend of sexual exploration. I was using this as a test to see how I would feel in the long run with her having sexual partners. On her way home, she would be meeting with the guy she had met online and had been talking to for a few months. I had my reservations, but gave the okay, as long as there were no sexual relations this time.

We spoke about timeframes and what time things would happen. My wife can be forgetful sometimes. She didn't follow the schedule we had spoken about and hurt the trust I had for the situation. I made that abundantly clear when she got home, in a way that wasn't mean, but truthful.

There has been a lot of emotional and mental strain on me because of the situation, and working through everything has been tough. I told my wife after she got home that I couldn't handle that strain anymore and wanted us to call it quits being poly. She was frustrated because we had agreed for her to see this guy here in a few days.

I don't think being friends with the guy will end up fixing anything, but my wife wanted me to reach out and talk to him, to hopefully try to make everything tolerable for everyone, since earlier on we had talked about him traveling to where we live and them visiting each other. I reached out today to speak to him and got some concerns off of my chest, which didn't REALLY help, but allowed me to speak to him about his motives and long-term goals for the relationship. His girlfriend has the same concerns and reservations as I do, and that was brought up.

We are at a point where I have reached out to the mutual friend for some guidance on what we should do. He has never been in this kind of situation before, of course, because he's never been married, but it was worth a shot. The biggest thing now is that I've promised to let her meet this guy this month. I've told her that this will be the last time I think I can handle heartache, if we can't figure things out beforehand.

My wife and I have very strong feelings for each other, to the point that we never want anything to come between us and cause us to separate. But this has been a growing wedge between us that we haven't been able to figure out a solution to.

In reality, we have 3 scenarios that could happen. The first: everything gets ironed out and we are all happy in the end. The second: I cannot be accepting of her wanting be poly and become the bad guy, forcing her to make a very tough decision, which hurts her and forces her to make a choice she may not want to make. And the third: I'll break apart, not handle the anxiety and stress and remove myself from the situation, if that means us separating.

We are at a loss and don't know what to do. She doesn't want to see me hurt for something she is doing, and I don't want to be the husband that can't give her everything she needs and deserves. We are stuck.
 
Hello Diverdude,

It sounds like you had reservations about open/poly from the very beginning, you only agreed to it to make your wife happy. Now, look at the thanks you get. Your reservations have been justified. Things have quickly devolved into a situation that is not satisfactory.

You must tell your wife that you are not happy with the way things have developed. Tell her that unless there are some changes, you will have to withdraw your consent. Specifically, that you do not want it to be poly, that you want it to be open, like you agreed to in the first place.

The problem is that you love your wife very much; you do not want to tell her anything that might hurt or disappoint or frustrate her. For this reason, you must let her continue her poly plans. On the other hand, if you let her do that, you might break apart, and end up leaving her.

I think you are going to have to employ the services of a marriage counselor; the two of you want things that are not compatible with each other, but you love each other very much, and do not want to separate. A marriage counselor might be able to help the two of you work together.

In the meantime, you must continue to vent your feelings in this thread, and get feedback and advice from as many members here as possible. My advice would be for the two of you to do open instead of poly, but other members might advise you differently.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
We love eachother very much and spend 90% of our time doing hobbies and activities together.

I don't think that I know any couple who spends nearly this much time together - and I know quite a few couples who love each other very much. What's up with all of this together time? 90% is a LOT.
 
I'm sorry you struggle. I think you could have more realistic expectations of yourself.

Why is it 90% of the time? Pandemic lockdown?

The second: I cannot be accepting of her wanting be poly and become the bad guy, forcing her to make a very tough decision which hurts her and forces her to make a choice she may not want to make.

How are you being a bad guy for reaching a personal limit, and telling her, "I thought I could. But no, it turns out I cannot do this." Nobody is like Superman or Wonder Woman. We are all human and have limits.

She will have to decide if she wants to stick with exploring poly, and let the marriage go, or let go of the poly thing. That's just reality. Nobody is being a bad guy or a good guy. It is simply the situation.

We are at a loss and don't know what to do, but she doesn't want to see me hurt for something she is doing.

You both agreed to go there and explore. Yes, you're hurting. But it's not her doing. You both agreed to do this. You each could be responsible for your own emotional management.

You sound like you went in under-prepared. If you're going to try again, take a pause, get some reading done and get better prepared.

If the new deal was "open for casual sex with familiar friends only," and now she wants to change it to polyamory, that's changing the deal. You could say "No, thank you. I don't want that new deal. It is more than I can do." Be honest.

I don't want to be the husband that can't give her everything she needs and deserves. We are stuck.

That is not a realistic expectation of yourself as a husband. What is needed here is honesty. How about just being up-front? You don't want to participate in it if the deal has changed from open marriage to polyamory, because those are two very different things.

You can love her a whole lot. But you have to love yourself first, not like being selfish, but doing your own self care. You have to be able to say, "No, thank you. Not even for you will I do stuff or continue to do stuff that hurts me."

When both things are hard, being super honest, or participating in wonky polyamory that you don't really want, you get to pick your hard. Being super honest is, I think, the least stinky choice.

If you just want zero, you have to be honest with your spouse and just say you want none of this, you prefer monogamy.

If you are maybe open to "monogamish," where she shares casual sex once in a great while, all right, then. You can say you are okay with that, but only if you actually are, and not just saying whatever to avoid dealing with a potential breakup, or just kicking the can down the road.

If you do not want to do polyamory, you have to be honest about that. If you no longer want to participate in open marriage or polyamory, your consent belongs to you. You can bow out.

What does meeting this guy later this month even mean? Are they just going to go have dinner at a restaurant? Or is this supposed to be some kind of sex share?

How she deals with the visit with this guy may affect what options are still available for her with you. It it's dinner, it's not a big deal. You might not love it, but you could probably deal with it, since she presumably has dinners with other friends. But going off to hook up with a guy, having sex, when you said you no longer wanted to participate in this, and there are marital problems happening, might be another thing. Whether it's outright cheating, or in a weird gray area, it might make you look at her differently, and trust might take a dent. It doesn't sound very exciting for you to deal with her as this kind of hinge.

Maybe you want to do a trial separation for six months to a year. Then she'd be free to pursue open or poly however she wants, and you'd be free from open marriage or poly things you do not want. Maybe you'd date other people, maybe you wouldn't. And then, at the end of the trial separation, you decide the fate of the marriage.

I encourage you both to have the honest conversations you need to be having. Do not sweep things under the rug. Seek a counselor if you need to. I think that's the most loving thing you can do.

I get that you don't want to break up. But if you two have grown apart and want different things now, it is best to talk it out before involving new people and dragging them through it, causing collateral damage. Don't put yourself through misery because you're bending yourself into pretzels and not honoring your own values and preferences.

In this whole post you went on about what makes your wife happy. What would make you happy? Are you just doing and saying this stuff to avoid a break-up? You don't sound like you were wanting to do any of this from the beginning.

Sometimes the last loving thing people can do is to let go with grace.

I'm not sure where you are at. I do think it sorting it out has to start with super-honest conversations.
 
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I don't think that I know any couple who spends nearly this much time together - and I know quite a few couples who love each other very much. What's up with all of this together time? 90% is a LOT.
We have a ton of hobbies together, and we do spearfishing competitions as a team.
 
Thank you, everyone, for your responses so far. It's hard to rummage around all of the questions, so I will try to hit them all where I can. I did have reservations from the beginning. I wasn't entirely open to the idea, but I didn't say no. I just kinda went along with it.

We have agreed to look into getting marriage counseling, and putting off the visit with the guy.

For that visit, we'd agreed that there would be no sex, but cuddling and such was okay. Again, just me trying to make her happy and give the whole poly thing a chance.

A pause on her being poly, from what we have talked about, most likely won't happen. If she has to say no to the guy, she doesn't think she can do it. This visit was to be the last chance I gave, accepting poly as an idea in our relationship. Since my first post, we have canceled the visit to focus on our relationship first, with counseling.

In both of our eyes, separation is the absolute last thing that we want and is our biggest fear. We're both very adamant about that. Taking a trial, where she can explore, I don't think would help, especially since we have our own house together, and vehicles and property and everything else. In the ten years we've been together, this is the only time we've ever had an issue with our marriage and one person wanting something that the other might not.

As of this moment, being monogamous would probably make things easier, and make me the happiest, but that puts the situation at her having to tell the guy that things won't work out. That's not something that she thinks she can do. This would then push me away. And if I can't accept it, then I'm pushing her away.
 
I wasn't entirely open to the idea and I didn't say no. I just kinda went along with it.

This behavior did not serve you well. You were not honest and up front. I hope you consider being more up front with where you stand.

We have canceled the visit to focus on our relationship first, with counseling.

Glad to hear it. Opening a marriage from wobbly foundations is not a great idea. Open/poly has a way of shining a light on a lot of things.

In both of our eyes, separation is the absolute last thing that we want and is our biggest fear. We're both very adamant about that.

I can see this would not be first choice, but perhaps it is something to talk about in counseling. "We don't want this, but if we have to do it, this is what parting well could look like." Then you have the emergency plan laid out.

IME, couples who can calmly talk that out either manage to stay together, or at least manage to get the peaceful parting they hope for. They don't just avoid until the shit hits the fan, and risk it turning into an even bigger mess from lack of emergency-preparedness and high emotions.

I don't think would help, especially since we have our own house together and vehicles and property and everything else.

Trial separation would be something to discuss with the counselor to assess feasibility. You can still own those things together in a trial separation. One of you moves out to rent a small flat, or takes a different bedroom in the shared home.

As of this moment, being monogamous would probably make things easier and make me the happiest.

You could state that plainly. No doubt it is easier -- less people means less variables, less scheduling, less time and effort, etc.

It's not like poly people date on and on and on. There are only 24 hours in a day! Time, energy, money for dating are all finite resources.

that puts the situation at her having to tell the guy that things won't work out. That's not something she thinks she can do

I don't get it. She hasn't know the guy that long. Maybe he represents more than "the guy." Maybe he represents "getting to try poly at all" to her. Is that true?

which would then push me away. And if I can accept it then I push her away.

I don't think either of you is pushing the other one away. It's just coming to a crossroads place in the marriage, where one person wants one thing, and the other person wants something else, and the two things are totally opposite things. It's not like one of you wants pancakes and the other one wants a burger. So fine, each of you order what you want at Denny's, together.

If what isn't working is that you want a monogamous marriage and she wants a poly marriage, then you are no longer suited to be married to each other. Accepting that comes with some sadness and the stages of grief.

You could work on letting the marriage part that doesn't work any more go. It doesn't have to mean you have to exit each other's lives entirely.

I'm not even sure where the spare time for poly dating will come from. If you and your wife enjoy spending 90% of the time together, what's she gonna do? Not sleep? Quit her job? Spend less time with you in favor of poly dating new people? Burn the candle at both ends?

On your end, you might not be all that excited about doing more work to get less of her time and attention. And you may (over time) prefer to end it and seek a partner who CAN give you that much time and attention in a monogamous shape relationship, because ultimately that's what you prefer anyway.

I think slowing down and being super honest and up front with each other, with the counselor's help, would be best at this point in time. These might help you find a counselor:



You both might also do some reading. Making a life changing decision with no preparation at all doesn't sound like a recipe for success to me. Here are some starter links:



Wayback Machine
Open Relationship Checklist

Wayback Machine
Creating Authentic Relationships

Wayback Machine
Reflecting on Change

Wayback Machine
Self Evaluation

Those wayback ones are from the "Opening Up" book.

If after consideration, you still prefer monogamy and don't want to be doing this stuff, because it's not a joyfully consenting thing for you, then you really should not be doing it, not if you are only doing it "to make her happy" to avoid a break up. "Save the people" makes more sense to me than "save the marriage."

There are enough stories on here of people taking the long way round, trying to turn over every rock, bending into pretzels to avoid dealing with having become incompatible over time and wanting different things now.

Another reality is that being compatible for 10 years in marriage is not going to automatically make you compatible for doing open/poly together. You used to be strangers. Then you dated, got engaged, got married. Well, the next chapter is up to you both. Maybe you'll find a way to work it out and stay together, or maybe you'll want to try to be good exes and friends.

NOT being up front and honest, and making a mess of things on the journey could RUIN the chance of ending the marriage with dignity/grace and allowing yourselves to become something else, like good exes and friends.

I'm not trying to be a wet blanket. I'm just saying: be careful, go slowly, and definitely be honest. If you can't be honest with your spouse, what are you doing married in the first place?

I hope, however it turns out, you both find peace. I can only imagine how hard this is for you both right now.
 
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You serve a greater purpose on this planet than to give a woman everything she wants. I see you just trying to make the wife happy, doing the whole happy wife/happy life thing. But at the cost of your happiness, it ain’t worth it, man. I can tell you, you gotta prioritize yourself more, believe in your value, draw lines in the sand and say these are the terms of being in a relationship with me. And if she ain’t interested, than you gotta move on. You can’t be everything, give everything, and make someone happy in every way.
 
As of this morning, we have reached out to six different poly-positive counselors in the area. Thanks, GalaGirl, for the resources.

Last night, after I got home from work, we talked about where my concerns for the poly relationship came from. We figured out that I wasn't comfortable with a romantic relationship from the beginning, and that I'd agreed to the situation just to make her happy. We also realized that her wanting a poly relationship may have stemmed from a few other factors not due to our relationship. It's the lack of outside friendships. We don't really do anything with anyone else. Also, both of us have ADHD.

We figured out that the initial agreement and where my concerns came from were that I'm not able to accept her having a romantic relationship. That was something that was talked about in the beginning. Our mutual friend did not want that either. That's what I was okay with, until I realized that I wasn't okay with that, either. The agreed-upon open relationship became a polyamorous relationship without us talking, and that's what caused all the heartache.

Lying in bed last night, she asked if not talking to the other guy would save our marriage. I told her not to worry about dealing with that until we got some professional help.

I immensely appreciate everyone's help on here because it has helped me realize where my pain was coming from.
 
It sounds like you are trying to be more honest with your wife about things, and you are slowing it down and seeking counselors to interview. That's good.

I don't know if seeing what you have so far, like a bullet list, would help you with the first intake session with a counselor. You don't have to give details here; you just might want to organize your thoughts for first appointment on paper so you don't forget things at the appointment.

PROBLEM
  • You want a monogamous marriage.
  • Due to _____, Wife wants to explore relationships outside the marriage.
  • You went along with the "open relationship" idea, despite your reservations, trying to "make her happy"
    • Both went in unprepared.
    • Now you're putting on the brakes to catch up on some stuff that could have been discussed first, before more heartache or wackiness happens.
YOU
  • Prefer monogamy
  • Were not comfortable with her having another romantic relationship from the beginning, where she'd share both romantic feelings and sex with another partner.
  • Thought you could be okay with an "open" relationship, just casual sex.
    • Discovered that you are not okay with that, either.
WIFE
  • Wants to explore poly because of things not due to the marriage relationship. They are ______.
  • These could be resolved in other ways, by doing ______.

BOTH
  • Have ADHD
  • Don't want to break up
  • Spend 90% of your time together
  • Lack outside friendships
 
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My wife and I set up to talk to a counselor yesterday at 4 but I felt like I needed to talk to somebody a little bit sooner than the scheduled meeting that we had, so I ended up talking to a counselor on Monday morning for quite some time and figured some things out.

The counselor helped me understand where I needed to draw boundaries and what emotions I needed to get out. Monday night my wife and I sat down and had a pretty long conversation about some things that I had talked over with the counselor. We both agreed that a monogamous relationship would be best for our marriage. She agreed that polyamory was something she'd wanted to explore because she felt like she didn't have enough friends, due to work and our shared hobbies.

Yesterday we decided to take a hike up into the mountains. It was a pretty tough couple of days for both of us. After our conversation on Monday, I ended up having two anxiety attacks where I couldn't control my breathing.

While on our hike yesterday, any moment we had where we showed each other a little bit of compassion or love caused her to cry because of how much connection she had with the other guy.

We're both making sure that we're here for each other, and we both think that us being monogamous is better for our relationship together. I know this is going to take a little bit for both of us to get back to some normalcy in our relationship.

She did ask last night if I would be okay if they still communicated, but without the romance and sexual talk. I agreed that I think I would be okay with that, as long as those parameters would be followed. But I know it's going to be harder for her to let him go if she continues to communicate with him.
 
I think it would be healthy for both of you to seek other friends to be with. Couples can get too enmeshed, depending on each other for everything, every emotional and physical need. That is not healthy or natural. I am sure your counselor(s) would agree with that idea.

However, if your wife already feels deeply emotionally connected to this other guy, and it's more than friends, it's really romantic love, there is no easy way to step back from that. It can take years to transition from romantic love and sexual attraction to "just friends," so don't kid yourselves.
 
She did ask last night if I would be okay if they still communicated but without the romance and sexual talk. I agreed that I think I would be okay with it as long as those parameters were followed, but I know it's going to be harder for her to let him go if she continues to communicate with him.

Bad idea, if you ask me. She agreed to be mono for you. That other guy has no purpose in her life anymore. If they stop contact she will get over him a lot faster. It’s like ripping off the band-aid. Her emotions will go away faster.

Good on you for sticking up for yourself! You gotta fight for what you want.
 
Finding friends outside of our normal groups has been something that I have mentioned in the past, but with work and our main hobbies we do, we don't see too many other people. I meet a ton of new people with my job, but she doesn't have that same ability.

With the other guy, should I just go with the "no contact" idea? I had the same thought of "ripping it off like a band-aid," but felt that might be too harsh.
 
We both agreed that a monogamous relationship would be the best for our marriage, and she has since agreed that polyamory was something that she wanted to try to explore, because she felt like she didn't have enough friends, due to work and our shared hobbies.

It sounds like you both decided on what to do next: return to monogamy.

Not having enough friends is an odd reason (to me) to get into poly. Why not just deal with that directly, and make some friends? Anyway, wife now has to deal with her stuff-- grieve her breakup and work on making friends. And you have to deal with your stuff. Not everything in this is gonna be "our stuff," like a joint effort.

After our conversation on Monday I ended up having two anxiety attacks where I couldn't control my breathing

That sometimes happen after tough conversations. It's not pleasant, but not unheard of. Emotional flooding/stress releases a lot of brain chemistry and it takes time to clear out.

while on our hike yesterday any moment that we had where we showed each other a little bit of compassion or love caused her to cry because of how much connection she had with the other guy.

She just broke up with the dude. She's going to grieve.

She did ask last night if I would be okay if they still communicated, but without the romance and sexual talk. I agreed that I think I would be okay with it as long as those parameters were followed

Now that you've both agreed to return to monogamy, and you stated where you stand, that how she talks with ex is her business, so long as she sticks to your monogamous agreement, I think you could could stay out of it.

Anything else about this ex, from this point on, she could run by the counselor rather than you. You have your own healing to do. You can't be her coach.

You two sound really enmeshed. If you are going to continue together, you both could work on becoming less so.

I know it's going to be harder for her to let him go if she continues to communicate with him.

Some people go no contact for 30 days after a breakup before trying to be exes and friends. If she's not letting that happen, or letting this go entirely, I have to agree with you. It just would prolong her breakup grief or crush on the dude. If she wants to go at it the hard way, that's her problem to solve, not yours. You may have to stand back and let her learn that.

This is one of the reasons I prefer kind but firm partings, quick and clean, no dragging things out. It doesn't really help either party, her or the dude.

You getting mixed up in that -- I doubt it would help calm your anxiety. So you could give her space to address her stuff her way and she can deal with the consequences of her choices.

Maintain better personal/emotional boundaries with your wife.

We're both making sure that we're here for each other. We both think that being monogamous is better for our relationship.

I see that you both want this. But HOW will you be there for each other: in a healthy and appropriate way, or in an unhealthy, enmeshed way?

With the other guy, should I just go with the "no contact" idea? I had the same thought, "ripping it off like a band-aid" but felt that might be harsh.

Why do YOU have to deal with this? He is not your ex. You said you are okay with it, as long as it stays in bounds, with no more romance stuff. So, that's pretty much it, for your part of it. You could expect it to be her job now. Think whatever in your head, but step back from this. It's not your issue to solve. She has to figure out how to cope with her ex, not you. She has to hold up her end of the "Se are going back to monogamy" agreement. You have your own end to be holding.

I think you could talk to the counselor about enmeshment and how to detangle/detach some, to a more healthy level. It doesn't mean you don't care about her at all. But going around joined at the hip, like some kind of CoupleBlob, is not healthy.

In the interest of making more friends and finding a better life balance, maybe you scale back on some of the main hobbies to make some space on the calendar for meeting new people and making new friends. You can't make her do that on her calendar, but you could do it on yours.

You could focus on holding up your end of the stick, and doing the parts that are just your job, and doing your fair share of the appropriate "our stuff" jobs. Don't go leaking into "her stuff" jobs. Maybe that is a session with the counselor:
  • What are your jobs, yours alone to do?
  • What are her jobs, hers alone to do?
  • What are "our shared responsibilities" that you both do?
  • What is nobody's job, and can be discarded?
My two cents,
Galagirl
 
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My worst fears came true this morning. The other guy didn't follow our terms that we had talked about the other night and keeps trying to tell her that he loves her and how much he misses her and how much they need to be be together. He's not respecting me as her husband and I told her that she needs to break off full contact with him.
 
As much as I generally hate veto power and control based off insecurity, reading through your whole thread I actually agree that this isn't the right time and probably not the right person for you guys to be moving towards polyamory with.

Your wife sounds dreadfully lonely and I'm sure she'll have been delighted to have been getting to know this new person and feeling that rush of excitement that comes with that. But it also sounds like she appears to have agreed with you that your marriage is worth working on as in itself it's not necessarily broken beyond repair.

But since you're taking away this new romantic interest, I recommend that YOU help her build more platonic connections since for whatever reason she doesn't have enough friends. This help could take on many forms including letting go of some of that 90% of time spent together so she can develop an independent friend group.

Going forward, if your wife is the kind of person who makes friends with men rather than women, rather than put rules around those friendships, I suggest you work on being relaxed with that. You may, in time when it's not so raw, use this as a case study for the difference between rules and boundaries. Maybe your wife needs to develop firmer boundaries so you don't feel like you have to make rules. Rules are for children and teens until they become secure in their own boundaries - how they will let themselves be treated by others.

I met a man who treated me badly in moments, and I told him to stop doing that. He didn't, so I ended the relationship. The process took about 5 months until those moments had added up enough that I fully enforced my boundary by walking away. My husband was not involved in my decision, I was perfectly capable of recognising the problem wasn't going to improve and consequently leaving the situation and relationship.

It sounds like the guy your wife has been getting to know hasn't been treating her badly, though. Just falling for her. Do you blame him? She's awesome and you fell for her! It also sounds like there was a time where he was lead to believe that a romantic connection would be okay, so now he's on the receiving end of a bait and switch. Poor guy. He's not the bad guy here, no-one is, you've just tried to fix the original problem (lack of friends) with a solution you weren't ready for.

So, if you and your wife want to save your marriage as a priority, then her breaking it off with him will be the way forward. I hope you can at least appreciate that it will hurt her since he's not actually treated her badly (from what you have written).
 
My worst fears came true this morning. The other guy didn't follow our terms that we had talked about the other night and keeps trying to tell her that he loves her and how much he misses her and how much they need to be be together. He's not respecting me as her husband and I told her that she needs to break off full contact with him.
It is possible that he is grieving the break up, doing the "Say it isn't so!" thing, while working through the stages of grief on his end. Did you expect anything different?

But whatever is going on with him...

Monday night my wife and I sat down and had a pretty long conversation about some things that I had talked about with the counselor. We both agreed that a monogamous relationship would be best for our marriage,
... he was not in the room, part of the agreement making.

He's not married to either one of you. The other guy doesn't HAVE to follow your and wife's agreement to go back to a monogamous marriage. That agreement is something YOU and WIFE have.

I get this is raw for you, and scary, and you already told her to go no contact with him.

You could leave it be now, and expect her to deal with it/him now. If she brings you more of this stuff, you can say "I am full right now. I think you'd better talk to the counselor about that."

When you are calmer, consider talking to the counselor about it yourself, to detangle more.

1) How do you even know he was doing lovey-dovey stuff?
  • Did your wife tell you? Is she oversharing info and bringing you drama when you are raw and have your own stuff to be healing/doing?
  • If WIFE is upsetting you by bringing you her breakup drama details, YOU could tell her to talk to the counselor and not you about this topic, at this time. YOU hold up your personal boundary. "I am hurting and trying to heal. I cannot be her grief counselor too."
2) Are you blaming the third party, the dude, because it's easier to blame him (he's doing lovey stuff...), rather than holding wife accountable for her choices/behaviors? (And then wife brings me drama telling me about it, rather than dealing with her exes herself.)

3) Do you have to be your wife's rule-maker, like a parent? Can't she figure out what to do on her own? Or is this part of the enmeshment?

4) Are you okay seeing your wife be sad after her breakup? Or are you trying to rush her through her grief so you don't have to feel uncomfortable witnessing it?

5) What is it that you are afraid of?
  • That the guy still has a crush and is grieving the breakup and doing the denial stage of grief?
    • Well, if she just dumped him, he's gonna need time to get over it. From his POV, she presented as okay to poly date and then, "Oops, sorry, no, my marriage is actually not ready for poly. Bye!" Why did she do that? Because you said you were okay, when you really weren't. It sucks to be collateral damage to a married couple's mess.
    • If you and your wife jumped the gun, it's good to reel it back in and repair before it gets worse. But ALL the people got dinged here.
  • That your wife makes agreements she can't keep? Because you said stuff you didn't really mean about being okay with poly, when really you were not, are you worried she's saying she's okay going back to monogamy now, when really she's not?
  • Something else?

Bottom line-- if you find it triggering hearing about her feelings about her ex when you are raw and trying to heal, that is not appropriate. She can talk all that out with the counselor, NOT YOU. You can feel sorry she's sad. You can express sympathy, give her a hug and say, "I'm sorry. Breakups suck." But for your OWN wellbeing and healing, you can request she not tell you much about it.
 
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I told the guy what the parameters of the friendship were supposed to be. I found out because I had a bad feeling that he wasn't going to follow them.

They message through Instagram. She left her chat open. I felt insecure and looked at their conversation.

I do agree that they were more like rules, instead of boundaries. But it was all because of the parameters changing without us talking about them changing. We'd agreed to an open relationship with a specific person and those parameters didn't stay the same.

Our biggest fear is divorce. We'd lose 10 years of happiness.

Or she stops talking to this guy and is heartbroken for some time.

Since my last post this morning, she and I had another conversation, while she was on lunch. Talking to the counselor this morning, she agreed to go no contact with the guy from here on out, at the expense of some emotions.
 
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