Not Dead Yet!

Hugs Opal. I hope the meltdown resolves into healing a peace and even stronger woman of steel underneath. Ever want to talk feel free to PM :)
 
I always think when I update, 'huh, been awhile.'

So while flailing around in my mid-life crisis, life handed me some perspective.

My dad is sick. It could be a lot worse and he is generally ok. He has a chronic blood disorder. He is getting treatment and we (my parents and I) are waiting to see how he responds.

This is the first time I have to face that my dad is not going to be around forever. And that time may be soon - years instead of decades.

I am a daddy's girl. Always have been. I do not know how to be, how to exist if my father is not around in the world. Intellectually I know I will go on, continue living. But it is unimaginable to live in a world without my father. I do not know who I am, without him around. I am trying to grapple with that fact.
 
Dad's health is stable, the treatments are working well enough. So he is continuing with the current treatment until something changes.

So there is a bit of break for that. I'm still worried about it. This is not a disease that is curable. It can only be managed. But it can also remain stable for a long time so that is what I am hoping for. Dad is feeling ok. He gets tired more than he likes but he can generally do what he wants to do. So that's good.

So I'm glad it's not worse and I hope it stays 'not worse' for a long time. I'm cautiously hopeful that may happen.

I feel like I can pay attention again to other stuff in my life now. It's been all Dad's health mentally and emotionally for a while.

I have started a new assignment at work recently. And I am actually interested and engaged! What a difference that makes. I don't know if my engagement will last but for now, I feel like I am doing interesting work that has a chance to really make an impact. I still don't know what I want to do with my life but for now, work is not the problem it was.

Health stuff is holding steady. I'm not making the progress I want on my diabetes but I am not getting worse. I have a lead on a possible diet/exercise plan that may be useful. I haven't had the energy to start it but I think like my mental resources are freeing up a little so perhaps I could now.

There is some relationship stuff going on but I am not ready to chat about that yet.
 
Last edited:
I'm glad your dad is stable. I hope in therapy you can learn to prepare yourself for the time when he passes... sigh. I had a really close relationship with my mother, who passed 10 years ago. She was only 75 and very healthy and vibrant until an acute heart issue took her in 3 days.

Glad your new job assignment is rewarding!
 
Thanks Mags! We continue to just keep moving along regarding my dad's health. I've been talking about his health in therapy - that's been helpful.

On a unrelated topic, I am so saddened and horrified by the treatment people will accept from a partner. It's heartbreaking. I hope at least some of them can read people's responses here and realize they deserve better.

And on yet another unrelated topic, I am wearied by the posters who, when it is (often gently) suggested that they are headed right for a brick wall at top speed and perhaps they should think about some stuff, maybe change course or just slow down, respond with essentially 'I do what I want' and keep running right at that wall. I suppose some can only learn from their own mistakes and not the mistakes of others.

In my more spiteful moments, I'm tempted to post 'told you so' when the inevitable collision happens. I haven't and I won't. But in a little dark part of my heart, it is so tempting.
 
There has been so much going on that I don't even know where to start.

Well, the eclipse was cool. I'm so glad I saw it. My parents and I went to a local place to see - it was a partial eclipse in our area but still awe inspiring. Both my parents really enjoyed it too. Dad is stable and doing well.

An acquaintance moved in with me when she was in a bad spot with relationships. She paid rent, which helped me out, and I hoped having a stable place to live would help her. This was ok for awhile. But recently, she overdosed. She survived but it was a blur of cops, medics, hospitals. It's been awful. She is moving out very soon as she can't stay with me anymore. I'm not posting specifics but there is no help I can offer her that would do any good and any help I offer would harm me. So I am done. I'm sure that seems callous but, believe me, there is nothing I can do.

My friends have been awesome, listening to me, taking me out when I need company and an adult beverage, and so on. My therapist has been great.

I've been playing with this couple for a couple of years now, both sex and kink. (For us, they are definitely connected.) Before this whole travesty with the acquaintance, I had asked them what I was to them. For a long time, I considered them as friends with benefits and figured that's how they saw me. We have a good, often great sexual connection as well as a friendship. But more recently, things have seemed more intimate, more connected.

I've also confirmed something that I suspected was true about me but hadn't consciously worked it all out yet. I get attached after having a certain amount of sex with someone. It's not love or NRE but maybe a precursor to those. So now I just know that I can't have an FWB or similar situation go on for awhile without having some degree on attachment on my part.

So I knew it was time to ask them what I meant to them. They both responded with they had to think about it which was fine with me. We have not talked about it yet. I really don't know what they will say. So I'm waiting to see what will happen with them.
 
There is nothing callous or wrong about protecting yourself from those who make dangerous choices. You can not live their lives for them, and there's a line where helping becomes enabling.

I think that many of us need to reach a point where we don't even try to excuse ourselves for cutting someone loose when they are harmful to us. You need no excuse or explanation, because you are doing the right thing.
 
Thanks Spork. I'm good with my decision. The people who know me understand. That is enough for me.

I've reached the anger stage in all of this. Decided to cut off all contact. Just not worth the stress.

Have not heard from the couple yet but they have really stepped up during this whole fiasco. All my friends did but I was not expecting that from them. Seeing them soon.
 
Acquaintance has moved out along with their stuff. I am so relieved. I am doing much better. Still tired but recovering from the stress.

The Tiny Pets were also stressed, traumatized really, by the events and aftermath. I am even more relieved that they seem to be bouncing back to their normal, adorable selves.

Have not discussed things further with the couple. We've all had other life stuff come up that had to be dealt with. I hope to check in with them soon.
 
I'm so glad your dad is stable. :) I understand hard choices with this. I am cherishing ever moment I have with my family, life is short and precious that way.

Gosh, I understand cutting someone out for that, you must protect yourself and you've been making great personal strides with therapy etc. I hope your fur babies continue to be happy and contented from now on. :)
 
Things have been delightfully normal lately. I've really been digging that! Dad is good, pets are back to normal, work is going well.

The couple and I have not talked about what's going between the three of us. I am so befuddled about this. On the one hand, we haven't talked about it so I don't really know what's going on. I'm not good at all at figuring out things from unspoken cues. On the other hand, we've been spending way more time together. They may not talk about things but they've been treating me more like a girlfriend. There has been some bumps recently. I've been able to talk things out with them. In fact, I keep asking them for what I want and need, and they keep responding to me, providing what I need. Damn, that's really hard to ignore.

They keep surprising me too, in good ways. The woman in the couple has been literally reaching out and touching me more, both sexually but also just regular, everyday, intimate touch. This is a big deal as she's not someone that naturally touches people, or thinks to interact that way. That she is making an effort to do so with me is really, well, touching. The man in the couple is kinda a typical dude. I know he cares about me because he fixes stuff around my house (or teaches me how to which is great). I've been focusing on telling them what is going on with me. I can't control what they do but I figure I can control what I do. And what I want is to be as clear and as open with them as I can. So I've told her I love that she is making the effort to touch me more. I realized I hadn't told him things I appreciate about him so I told him how much I love how he treats me in bed. Initially he responded with some practical stuff (we go to events and parties together and were working out who paid for what, who owed what, etc. Normal adulting.) I figured he was not going to respond to what I said I appreciated about him. Then he sends me this beautifully poetic description of when he is touching me and her, how he gets into this flow that feels like a guitar riff, sometimes leading, sometimes following, sometimes solo, sometimes part of a chorus. It was gorgeous. And just so unexpected from him. It was heartfelt and just so lovely. And a total panty dropper too. If he had been around after I read that, I would have totally jumped his bones.

I don't know what's going on here. But something is. I'm not 'just' a friends with benefits, a play partner or a fuck buddy. I haven't been in a while. I couldn't tell you what I am to them but I do know that this has gotten real, and deep, and meaningful.
 
I'm meeting the couple soon to discuss our relationship. I wasn't making things up in my head! I knew things had changed. I could feel it. Not talking about was making me a little crazy. But now I know they felt it too and we will discuss what that means for us and what we all want. So much better.

Looks like I may need to give them nicknames. 😁
 
I am glad they talked about it, were open to meeting your stated needs, and that the guy wrote you that nice letter. It can be hard in a new relationship, to negotiate growing feelings. I'm doing that with my new "boyfriend" some. We are just about 2 months in... but he has surprised me by how much he enjoys being with me, and how long he stays when he comes over. Non sexual touch is important to me, and he is good at cuddling.

He's a free spirit though, so I am keeping my expectations low for now.
 
Last edited:
We did talk although not as much as I would have preferred. It was good though. We did acknowledge that things have changed emotionally. I wasn't making that up in my head. I don't know what happens from here. Just keep winging it I guess.

I have been reacting to situations around them out of fear, though. This is unusual for me. I realized that I was reacting emotionally to what I feared might happen vs. what was actually happening. This has been really unpleasant. And I realized some lingering damage from my relationship with Glow is impacting this relationship. I am sometimes unconsciously expecting them to decide they aren't really into me or never tell me anything about what they want or need and then decide to cut me loose. We are talking again soon and I will tell them this. I'm working on being more conscious about this internal dynamic. Up to now, I've just been reacting, which I do not like or enjoy.

Have some nicknames in mind but nothing that really suits them yet. I will continue to consider that. Finding nicknames for partners is really one of the most fun things on this board!
 
I've decided to name the couple I'm dating Oak and Willow. Oak is tall and Willow is well, willowy.

We've talked some more. It's been helpful and I am somewhat more relaxed about things.

However, I find myself outright terrified at times. I'm not usually so fearful. In fact, I make a point of attempting to not react to things out of fear. I try not to make decisions based on my fears. Mostly I do this pretty well.

But I am a bit stuck in this fearful place. I'm finding it hard to believe that they could care about me. I worry that they will suddenly decide they are just not into me, or that they need to protect their relationship from me and end our relationships. I am fearful that they will just end things, without any warning or explanations, like Glow did.

I know my fears are not necessarily 'real'. They've never treated me as disposable. And I know that this is a reaction my brain and body are having from the experience with Glow, where I was completely blindsided. I am reacting to the past, not the present. I wasn't conscious of this and now that I am, it's been better, in that I recognize this is what I'm doing. I do firmly believe that if I know about a trigger, an issue I'm having, then I can address it. But this has been hard to let go. And I am really disliking being this fearful. It's not normal for me.

And I had really thought I had laid the whole Glow experience to rest. I thought I had dealt with that. Apparently, I haven't. Becoming close to other people, to being open and vulnerable with them has brought up all those fears, the horrible feelings of being not lovable, of not really knowing someone.

My therapist brought up the idea that my brain and body is trying to protect me. That I am feeling similar feelings to when I was with Glow and am reacting this way to protect myself. This is helpful idea to me - that I have a 'groove' that I don't want but it is there and I need to create new grooves.

So I'm trying something really foreign to me. I'm attempting to just let things unfold. I'm a fairly driven personality and I am used to shaping my world, rather than being shaped. I always want to know the why of everything. Most of the time this is ok. Often it can be helpful. But in this situation, with these people, I'm going to try just existing and seeing what happens. I'm not going to try and shape the outcome like I usually do. I will ask for what I want and let them know my feelings and thoughts. So I'm not going to be passive. I am going to try and just see what happens, instead of allowing my expectations to drive my behavior.

This is really, really hard for me. I've never managed not to have expectations and I doubt I will in this relationship. I am a bit controlling, at least when it comes to running my life. (I try really hard not to control others, with varying success at this.) I'm pretty invested in the relationship escalator. Not so much the various steps - like I'm not interested in living with or merging finances with anyone anytime soon - but the idea that relationships need to 'go somewhere'. I'm attempting to not do that this time. I think it's a good thing for me to do. But it's so not easy.

I'm excited and nervous about all this new relationship stuff going on. I'm hopeful and terrified.
 
In other, unexpected news, SW and I are seeing each other again, this time in a friends with benefits way. Over the years, we've become good friends. We've watched each other go through various relationships. He has a girlfriend, who is married and poly, that he is happy with. I'm seeing how things go with Oak and Willow. So there is no pressure to be a 'serous' partner for each other.

I don't think this will last for a long time. I also don't think it will change into a more romantic kind of connection. After all, we tried that already. But I've also lived long enough to know that it is impossible to truly know what will happen.

In the meantime, the sex has been surprisingly great. I've been idly curious about what sex with SW would be like now that I have more experience. (SW was the first man I had sex with.) I never expected to have the opportunity to find out. We've flirted on and off for a while but SW flirts with most female people so I never thought anything of it. But about a month or so ago, the flirting got more meaningful, for lack of a better term. I went over to his place and things got sexual. It was really fun! Sex with SW in the past was also fun. But at least for me, it's gotten better. I think perhaps we both figured out what we like and it turns out we are pretty compatible there. So that's been a surprising but fun turn of events.
 
It's nice to read about your latest news. It all sounds pretty good! :) I'm similar than you in wanting relationships to 'go somewhere' so it is really hard to just see how things go with someone without having a plan about how it could look like in the future. I wish you luck in going with the flow! I'm trying to do the same but keep regularly freaking out about not having a clear direction in my relationships. I'm sure it can be done though, with practice and self-compassion. :)
 
@Mya, thanks! Yes, I totally get the 'going somewhere' thing about relationships. It's really not natural for me to just let things develop how they develop. (Of course, I realize that's what happens anyway - I just like to pretend I have some input over it.)

I tend to get all anxious and wound up when I don't have a definition to work with. Am I a girlfriend? Fuck buddy? Partner? What? I'm attempting to be less label dependent.

I will let you know how it goes! I expect freak outs and spiraling at least sometimes.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top