Not supposed to compare ourselves, but...
- Thread starter Vexxed
- Start date
It is painful to be less in the areas of sex and entertainment.
Sure, I'll just go pick myself up a primary.
It's not that easy, especially being poly. Besides, having a primary of my own won't solve my sexual issues.
Redpepper, I have to give you credit for not denying that one person can be more satisfying than another sexually. Many poly people are quick to deny that one.
Sure, I'll just go pick myself up a primary.
It's not that easy, especially being poly. Besides, having a primary of my own won't solve my sexual issues.
Redpepper, I have to give you credit for not denying that one person can be more satisfying than another sexually. Many poly people are quick to deny that one.
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MonoVCPHG
New member
Vexxed, you've got to stop thinking so much, my friend. You've been in this for how long? The best way to gain control is to let go of it. Trust that the events and the people in your life are there for a reason, just as you and the things you provide are in for theirs for a reason. Let life unfold itself instead of trying to force it.
Think of it this way. If you knew with 100% certainty that your relationship was going to end in a year, would you spend your time worrying and stressing yourself out until that time? Would you call it quits right now? Or would you embrace every moment with everything you have? Let life come to you in the way it was intended, stop trying to shape and cloud it with your fears. Doing this will take away from the enjoyment of your present.
I used to do this same thing, relentlessly. I still do, a little. But for the most part, I've taken control of my life by letting go of the belief that I can predict anything with certainty.
Take care.
Think of it this way. If you knew with 100% certainty that your relationship was going to end in a year, would you spend your time worrying and stressing yourself out until that time? Would you call it quits right now? Or would you embrace every moment with everything you have? Let life come to you in the way it was intended, stop trying to shape and cloud it with your fears. Doing this will take away from the enjoyment of your present.
I used to do this same thing, relentlessly. I still do, a little. But for the most part, I've taken control of my life by letting go of the belief that I can predict anything with certainty.
Take care.
AutumnalTone
New member
Different women find different things attractive. There is no specific set of characteristics that all women find attractive, nor will all the women who find any one specific thing attractive like it to the same degree.
And how do you know that you don't exceed that metamour in 12 of 18 *other* ways? If you're going to try measuring these things, you really have to be thorough and know all of the ways in which you can be compared and how you stand up in the comparison.
The problem is that you're not the person doing the measuring and you have absolutely no clue what might be important and what isn't, nor how the measurements are made, nor any of the judgement being rendered.
The only measure you can ever have is quite simple: is somebody interested in you? If the answer is "yes," then you've met the standards required and that's all you need to know...unless you're trying to fuck up what you have and be miserable all the time.
Look, there's a young lady with whom I have a bit of chemistry. Anybody looking at the two of us would have to wonder what in hell she sees in me. I'm over twice her age. I've been unemployed for a long time now, so I'm certainly not rich. I weigh over three hundred pounds. She's young and bright with a killer body--so what could she find interesting about an old, fat man?
Hell if I know. I know what I find attractive about me; I have absolutely no clue what the women in my life find attractive about me. My wife, after we met online and before we met in person, once described me to a "t"--as NOT her type. We've been married over five years at this point. She's still embarrassed by that long ago email and I still take delight in reminding her I'm not her type.
Do I compare myself to anybody she shows an interest in? Nope. I have no idea how to even begin that sort of thing. I just know that she's interested in me and I enjoy that.
dragonflysky
New member
Does someone have to be "perfect" in all aspects of their life/personality/etc. in order to be lovable/loved/desired?
My first husband had his master's degree, as do I. He was employed in a "professional" job, as am I. He, however, made 2/3rds more money than me because of the very different fields in which we were employed. He wore a suit to work, and I, too, dressed up. He had a great vocabulary, as do I. In the "looks" department we were pretty equal. Neither of us would be seen as classically handsome or beautiful/pretty, respectively. We shared many similar interests and yet had our own interests that the other could care less about. We had a decent sex life. Not outstanding. Not terrible. He had a stocky build and was 1" shorter than the average man, 5' 9." I'm 5' 5" and heavy... fat... whatever you want to call it.
My second husband dropped out of high school and earned a GED. He was intelligent. He was initially a line worker in a factory and then became a house painter. He typically made 1/3 to 1/2 what I did. He wore jeans and t-shirts daily. He had long hair and wore an earring. He would probably be considered better looking than my first husband, but "average" overall. Had a decent vocabulary, but used a lot of "ghetto" slang words I'd never heard of when we first met. He had a problem with ED quite often, but was a drop dead lover in terms of his hands, oral sex, and his words. He was 5' 11" and had a slender build.
Now, if we look at "statistics" alone, in terms of the features research studies show make one more "desirable" ON THE AVERAGE, the first husband should have "won." NOPE! To this day, I know that I was far more attracted to and "in love" with my second husband.
Very few studies will come up with results that are 100% true/accurate for everyone. We humans are just not that predictable. We're not robots. The odds may be in your favor or against you. How do you know, unless you ask and trust what you are told, whether the person you're with is the statistical exception or the norm/average in terms of what they find attractive/appealing?
By the way, might there be any part of you that is actually concerned that you don't measure up to what Baron would find attractive, since you've mentioned having an interest in him? She's already drawn to you or she wouldn't keep coming back.
My first husband had his master's degree, as do I. He was employed in a "professional" job, as am I. He, however, made 2/3rds more money than me because of the very different fields in which we were employed. He wore a suit to work, and I, too, dressed up. He had a great vocabulary, as do I. In the "looks" department we were pretty equal. Neither of us would be seen as classically handsome or beautiful/pretty, respectively. We shared many similar interests and yet had our own interests that the other could care less about. We had a decent sex life. Not outstanding. Not terrible. He had a stocky build and was 1" shorter than the average man, 5' 9." I'm 5' 5" and heavy... fat... whatever you want to call it.
My second husband dropped out of high school and earned a GED. He was intelligent. He was initially a line worker in a factory and then became a house painter. He typically made 1/3 to 1/2 what I did. He wore jeans and t-shirts daily. He had long hair and wore an earring. He would probably be considered better looking than my first husband, but "average" overall. Had a decent vocabulary, but used a lot of "ghetto" slang words I'd never heard of when we first met. He had a problem with ED quite often, but was a drop dead lover in terms of his hands, oral sex, and his words. He was 5' 11" and had a slender build.
Now, if we look at "statistics" alone, in terms of the features research studies show make one more "desirable" ON THE AVERAGE, the first husband should have "won." NOPE! To this day, I know that I was far more attracted to and "in love" with my second husband.
Very few studies will come up with results that are 100% true/accurate for everyone. We humans are just not that predictable. We're not robots. The odds may be in your favor or against you. How do you know, unless you ask and trust what you are told, whether the person you're with is the statistical exception or the norm/average in terms of what they find attractive/appealing?
By the way, might there be any part of you that is actually concerned that you don't measure up to what Baron would find attractive, since you've mentioned having an interest in him? She's already drawn to you or she wouldn't keep coming back.
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I talked with him about the possibility of a tertiary relationship between us that would be less romantic than the relationships that he and I each have with her. I told him that it seemed like he was interested, but just not right now, and I wondered if I was "projecting" a bit by saying that it seemed like he was interested. He gave me an answer that I considered to be vague, like the one he gave two months earlier. He said, "Yes, you're projecting a little bit. I'm not saying that something couldn't happen in the future, but I'm not interested." He went on to say that he doesn't feel that way about any guys right now. He barely made that clear.
So, there you have it. I'm not making any advances in his direction from here on.
He and I rode to poly dinner together last night and enjoyed good conversations on the way there and back. He even complimented me on being a good listener.
After were home for 10 minutes, I received a call from her. I was expecting her to call, but was expecting it to be later. I disappeared into my room for 30 minutes to talk to her.
After I came back out, he and I talked about some of the negative emotions that I've experienced in my relationship with her, such as insecurity. We didn't get too deep into the issues as other roommates started walking around the house, but the short talk was beneficial for me.
She came down and spent 4 days with him, then 4 with me. I made a mistake while she was down. Still, we had a great time on our 4 days together, and she is communicating with me just as if I had never made the mistake. I'm a bit discouraged and rattled, though.
SchrodingersCat
Active member
My husband's not my type either.
And I wouldn't trade him for all the academic, liberal, laid-back "me"s in the world!Opposites attract?
Edit: I should add that we do share some very fundamental beliefs about the universe (spiritual, etc.) and goals and lifestyle.
I feel like I should pitch in.
While I understand comparing yourself, I think sometimes it's just not a graded scale. Sometimes it's not better or worse, but different.
I'll call my husband Dave, my boyfriend Ed, and my love interest (although I've loved him since before meeting Ed) Frank.
Ed and Frank are extremely different physically. Ed is big and tall, Frank is thin and of a more average height. But when I look at them, I find both of them extremely attractive for their respective features.
My first love was shorter than I was. I loved that about him. Does that mean I hate the fact that Ed is 6'6"? No. I love that, too!
I love that they have different things they are good at and can tell me about. And I love that if I talk to one of them rather than the other, even about the same thing, they'll say it in different way. I will love the way Dave said it, and I will love the way Ed said it, and I will love the way Frank said it.
Sometimes it's not about better or worse, it's about differences. I love all of these things because they're part of who they are. I love the weird things. I love the scar, or the crooked tooth, or the balding head. I love them because that tells me "This is a person, and not just a person, but the person I love."
I have little interest in someone who would be "perfect." I like the human part of my lovers, and that human part is made equally of things they are good at and things they are bad at. I love that Dave can't sing to save his life. That doesn't mean I don't also love Ed's good singing. They're just different, and I love them for different reasons.
What you see as weaknesses might actually be things your girlfriend sees as strength. Have you brought up the subject with her? I know something I loved about one of my exes was his acne scars on his face. It was something that felt unique to him, special, it made his skin less "boring," it was a detail to look at and kiss and love. I was very surprised to learn he had a complex about it, as it was a feature of his I liked so much.
It might very well be that the same kind of thing is happening here.
Ultimately though, I think if you are happy with yourself, there is no reason to compare. So maybe your problem is that you're not happy with yourself, and then that's something to work on. At least you know she picked you the way you are, and she already had the other two, so I'm sure you provide things nobody else does.
While I understand comparing yourself, I think sometimes it's just not a graded scale. Sometimes it's not better or worse, but different.
I'll call my husband Dave, my boyfriend Ed, and my love interest (although I've loved him since before meeting Ed) Frank.
Ed and Frank are extremely different physically. Ed is big and tall, Frank is thin and of a more average height. But when I look at them, I find both of them extremely attractive for their respective features.
My first love was shorter than I was. I loved that about him. Does that mean I hate the fact that Ed is 6'6"? No. I love that, too!
I love that they have different things they are good at and can tell me about. And I love that if I talk to one of them rather than the other, even about the same thing, they'll say it in different way. I will love the way Dave said it, and I will love the way Ed said it, and I will love the way Frank said it.
Sometimes it's not about better or worse, it's about differences. I love all of these things because they're part of who they are. I love the weird things. I love the scar, or the crooked tooth, or the balding head. I love them because that tells me "This is a person, and not just a person, but the person I love."
I have little interest in someone who would be "perfect." I like the human part of my lovers, and that human part is made equally of things they are good at and things they are bad at. I love that Dave can't sing to save his life. That doesn't mean I don't also love Ed's good singing. They're just different, and I love them for different reasons.
What you see as weaknesses might actually be things your girlfriend sees as strength. Have you brought up the subject with her? I know something I loved about one of my exes was his acne scars on his face. It was something that felt unique to him, special, it made his skin less "boring," it was a detail to look at and kiss and love. I was very surprised to learn he had a complex about it, as it was a feature of his I liked so much.
It might very well be that the same kind of thing is happening here.
Ultimately though, I think if you are happy with yourself, there is no reason to compare. So maybe your problem is that you're not happy with yourself, and then that's something to work on. At least you know she picked you the way you are, and she already had the other two, so I'm sure you provide things nobody else does.
I am someone who compares myself. With such glaring physical differences, they either play to my advantage 100% or count against me. I can't control them, so I try to be clear. But I do still compare.
You have to find what you are confident in, and work with them. Ask your partners, and hope they tell the truth, what they like about you. If you have both of those things, you might find it more empowering.
I have lots of little things I worry about when meeting new partners or being with people. I am a big guy, 6'5," 270. Some people love it and some people hate it. I also have an attitude. People either love it or hate it.
I can only be myself and hope whoever I am with likes my strengths.
You have to find what you are confident in, and work with them. Ask your partners, and hope they tell the truth, what they like about you. If you have both of those things, you might find it more empowering.
I have lots of little things I worry about when meeting new partners or being with people. I am a big guy, 6'5," 270. Some people love it and some people hate it. I also have an attitude. People either love it or hate it.
I can only be myself and hope whoever I am with likes my strengths.
Thanks Tonberry! I enjoyed all of your reply, but these two points stood out to me.
I also have acne scars, and it also bothers me. It bothers me less now, but I still think about it when I'm feeling very down about my looks. I remember concerns about my stature and acne scars only on days when my self esteem is very low.
I am not happy with myself. I have reminded myself that she still chose me after already being in relationships with both of them, and that did make me feel confident temporarily.Tonberry said:
This works in the other way too. Some things you don't notice might be cute or sexy. I have noticed things that the women I am becoming close with hadn't noticed in years. Something I guess I'd kind of forgotten, but I was very attracted to.
Little things you don't take notice of can be a bonus surprise, too.
Those acne scars may come with cute freckles or dimples, or something you consider mundane.Not by a long shot. I was just admitting that acne scars are one of the last things that I can stack on top, if I'm already feeling down.
I'm doing much better confidence-wise. I'm not where I need to be, but I have improved.
I also see more truths when I read the replies that are posted. I would like to thank all of you.
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Indigomontoya
New member
Vexxed,
Sorry to be harsh here. But from the advice given and your responses, you really are not looking for help in how you feel, you're looking for justification for feeling the way you do.
You have been told she had a husband and a boyfriend and she still chose to bring you into her life, but you discount the the positive nature of that statement by saying it's about your body and accent. Okay, so if it is, why has she kept you around?
You have been told that it's about your self image, and how you feel about yourself, not how you seem to her. You have said you are happy with yourself, but none of your posts read that truth at all. You've discounted that with shallow evidence about how she acts toward you versus Aaron and Baron. Well maybe you need to look at the length of time of each of those relationships and realize that they are at different points with her than you. Of course she is going to treat Aaron differently, and Baron she has an established relationship with differently than you, maybe even put more time in with them; because they were there first. I mean, it's a little ridiculous to assume that you would be treated equally to Aaron. That's just a major error in reasoning there.
I am TP's primary. What used to annoy me was that I felt I was being treated equally with her boyfriend. Truth be told, I was. But she actually took the advice being given to her; we discussed it; and what we came out with was being treated "fairly, but not equal."
That suits me fine, because I like the guy. But frankly, I was here first. I've punched the time-clock more than he has, so I deserve the lion's share, so to speak. Her boyfriend actually has the emotional maturity to acknowledge the more developed relationship I have with my fiancee, and if he was acting the way you are-- making excuses, blaming her for how she treats more established relationships, there would be serious issues.
The number 3 rule we have is no direct comparisons, ever, for specifically this reason. You open the door for it and people get hurt, without a doubt. So quantifying ("3 out of 8") doesn't benefit you at all. Frankly, you are judging on a scale you know nothing about. It's her scale, not yours. Don't say you haven't actually been counting, because from reading your posts you definitely have been keeping score of her actions versus how you think they place you on the totem pole.
I have struggled, am struggling, will struggle with comparison issues in the future, and so will TP. It's human nature to compare ourselves; but the advice in this thread (the beginning, anyway) and one of the links provided (http://tacit.livejournal.com/241568.html) are really quite sound, and went a long way to helping me with my comparison issues. Truth be told, it was that simple, to read the advice and the blog entry, to make me think of comparison issues in a totally different way.
There will always be someone else in other people's lives whose relationship we covet. But it shows a certain level of emotional maturity to actually stop and realize that while Mr. A might be in TP's life, and he might bring some things that I do not, TP still comes home to me, and I still bring things into her life that she doesn't get anywhere else. (Mostly animals daddy. Sorry, love. I had to make the joke.)
If you don't work on actually resolving your issues of comparison, you will end up continually making excuses as to why you think your grass is brown and theirs is greener, in her eyes, and blaming the insecurities about yourself (and it is about you, not her view of you) on how she treats her HUSBAND and Baron, then the relationship is doomed to fail.
Sorry to be harsh here. But from the advice given and your responses, you really are not looking for help in how you feel, you're looking for justification for feeling the way you do.
You have been told she had a husband and a boyfriend and she still chose to bring you into her life, but you discount the the positive nature of that statement by saying it's about your body and accent. Okay, so if it is, why has she kept you around?
You have been told that it's about your self image, and how you feel about yourself, not how you seem to her. You have said you are happy with yourself, but none of your posts read that truth at all. You've discounted that with shallow evidence about how she acts toward you versus Aaron and Baron. Well maybe you need to look at the length of time of each of those relationships and realize that they are at different points with her than you. Of course she is going to treat Aaron differently, and Baron she has an established relationship with differently than you, maybe even put more time in with them; because they were there first. I mean, it's a little ridiculous to assume that you would be treated equally to Aaron. That's just a major error in reasoning there.
I am TP's primary. What used to annoy me was that I felt I was being treated equally with her boyfriend. Truth be told, I was. But she actually took the advice being given to her; we discussed it; and what we came out with was being treated "fairly, but not equal."
That suits me fine, because I like the guy. But frankly, I was here first. I've punched the time-clock more than he has, so I deserve the lion's share, so to speak. Her boyfriend actually has the emotional maturity to acknowledge the more developed relationship I have with my fiancee, and if he was acting the way you are-- making excuses, blaming her for how she treats more established relationships, there would be serious issues.
The number 3 rule we have is no direct comparisons, ever, for specifically this reason. You open the door for it and people get hurt, without a doubt. So quantifying ("3 out of 8") doesn't benefit you at all. Frankly, you are judging on a scale you know nothing about. It's her scale, not yours. Don't say you haven't actually been counting, because from reading your posts you definitely have been keeping score of her actions versus how you think they place you on the totem pole.
I have struggled, am struggling, will struggle with comparison issues in the future, and so will TP. It's human nature to compare ourselves; but the advice in this thread (the beginning, anyway) and one of the links provided (http://tacit.livejournal.com/241568.html) are really quite sound, and went a long way to helping me with my comparison issues. Truth be told, it was that simple, to read the advice and the blog entry, to make me think of comparison issues in a totally different way.
There will always be someone else in other people's lives whose relationship we covet. But it shows a certain level of emotional maturity to actually stop and realize that while Mr. A might be in TP's life, and he might bring some things that I do not, TP still comes home to me, and I still bring things into her life that she doesn't get anywhere else. (Mostly animals daddy. Sorry, love. I had to make the joke.)
If you don't work on actually resolving your issues of comparison, you will end up continually making excuses as to why you think your grass is brown and theirs is greener, in her eyes, and blaming the insecurities about yourself (and it is about you, not her view of you) on how she treats her HUSBAND and Baron, then the relationship is doomed to fail.
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Indigomontoya, thanks for your input. You are correct that I have been hard-headed, and that people have given me good advice on this thread.
I have continued to be insecure. I have acted inappropriately, and now I'm on thin ice with her, but still in the relationship as of this very day/time.
She does spend more time with Aaron, and that is fine with me. When I started this thread back in March, I did mention a couple of areas that I felt Aaron surpassed me in, but to be honest, I do not feel inferior to him. I have felt inferior to Baron, and it had/has nothing to do with the amount of time they spend to together. I have felt inferior to him based on other issues.
I have continued to be insecure. I have acted inappropriately, and now I'm on thin ice with her, but still in the relationship as of this very day/time.
She does spend more time with Aaron, and that is fine with me. When I started this thread back in March, I did mention a couple of areas that I felt Aaron surpassed me in, but to be honest, I do not feel inferior to him. I have felt inferior to Baron, and it had/has nothing to do with the amount of time they spend to together. I have felt inferior to him based on other issues.
It's only human to worry that I'll be discarded in favor of a superior metamour. Maybe the metamour makes more money. Maybe he has a bigger dick. Maybe he has a winning personality. Maybe he has superior skills in bed. Here is where I have to believe that I bring something unique to the table, something my metamour doesn't bring. But maybe I just can't believe that, or maybe I think my metamour is superior to me in so many ways, that what little I contribute won't be noticed. It is on my partner to reassure me that she is satisfied with me, and that she has no plans of leaving me, and then it is on me to believe her -- if I trust her.
This is an old thread I read yesterday. The OP Vexxed is very open about feeling inferior to both his gf and her other bf Baron. It's odd to me he hyper-analyzes everything he does and says that could be seen as lacking. He never seems in the moment, just focused on enjoying himself with his gf. He's always trying to be perfect, to "fake" being confident, when actually he feels incredibly inferior to both Baron and his gf.
It seems like he's "dated up," for status, and now he's convinced he's in over his head and has to pretend to be worthy of his trophy gf. I can kinda see why NeonKaos said he needs to be hit over the head with a clue-by-four! His idea of a good date is one where he has projected a confidence he doesn't feel. That's it!
Also, he went to one therapy session and wasn't "healed," or suddenly convinced of his worthiness? One?
It seems like he's "dated up," for status, and now he's convinced he's in over his head and has to pretend to be worthy of his trophy gf. I can kinda see why NeonKaos said he needs to be hit over the head with a clue-by-four! His idea of a good date is one where he has projected a confidence he doesn't feel. That's it!
Also, he went to one therapy session and wasn't "healed," or suddenly convinced of his worthiness? One?
dingedheart
Well-known member
Looking back, I’m surprised neither of us participated in this thread. Thanks for giving us a second shot. 
Just kidding.
I guess my question is: was he dating up, or was she dating down to round out her portfolio?
Just kidding.I guess my question is: was he dating up, or was she dating down to round out her portfolio?