Redpepper's journey

redpepper

New member
The fact that neither of them knew about the other but both seemed to see this as at least the beginnings of a relationship.

point taken.

As it is now I am taking a lot of time for me and looking closely at who is around me. I am dating the one man and being really direct about how close in our connection we we can get as it's too soon. He is respecting my need to keep space and perspective and I appreciate that. He wants big things from a relationship but thankfully is not necessarily set on me being the one he has that with. At least he says that. I think secretly he is hoping I am the one. It's touching but likely I will be long gone when he finds that.

I have a lot of time and am really enjoying being alone. I still get scared at the thought of facing large periods of time alone but I do enjoy it when I'm in it. It will take time.

There isn't a day that goes by I don't re-hash what has been said, things that happened, re-looked at what non-verbal communication there was with Mono. I need space and being alone to do that until it's done. It will end eventually.

I put my dear 20 year old cat down this week and had a soul cry... the kind of cry where it feels like your soul has been moved to add to it's story and effected by the circumstance. It's a gutteral cry that sounds like a cat wailing. I was purging yet one more change and loss. Grieving once again.
 

redpepper

New member
I sat in my back yard yesterday afternoon on a bench under the apple tree and reminded myself of the last time I sat there. The sun is now low in the sky and the tomato plants are fading into dust...the apples on the tree and few scattered red leaves on the ground seemed cold in the sun. Last time I sat there is was early summer and the tomotos were small little plants. The apple tree had just blossomed and the sun was coming into its high point of heat and light. I sat there rubbing Mono's back then as he talked to me for the last time. I was full of love and compassion for him as he told me the story of years of feelings I never knew about. He said he would miss my back rubs and I sat blinking, holding my breath, holding the moment, unable to take in the story of our end.... it was a nightmare I hadn't put together as being my own yet. I felt nothing yesterday.
 
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Evie

Mod
I'm really sorry about your cat, redpepper. It sounds like it was a much needed cry.

arohanui
Evie.
 
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Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
RP, I am sorry for the loss of your animal companion.

I feel for you, being duped by dating a Don Juan Narcissist. You might recall from my blog, I had a 2 1/2 year relationship with one as well. They are so good at appearing normally loving until it no longer suits them. It's such a betrayal of our good feelings and intentions towards them.

You know, one of my only 2 infractions here were for something snarky I said to Mono when I thought he was acting/talking/typing in a sketchy self serving way. Never trusted him... Just my 2 cents.

Best wishes. The apple tree and tomato plant memory was so well written. I can just feel the evolution of your soul.
 

redpepper

New member
Came here to read and re-group. I am not grieving as much but instead watch my family and close friends grieve now. I am finding that it has been easier to get through the lies that made up my life more than expected. Funny how if something is blatantly obvious and finally all is revealed in terms of all the weirdness answered, it's a no brainer to move on. Unlike other break ups, Mono and mine left me with nothing to hold on to but a rendition of my own memories of events and a complete abolishment of him from my mind. At least I attempt that anyway. Truth is he haunts my every moment.
 

newtoday

Member
RP. I feel your pain. Haunt is the perfect definition of the residual effects of the loss of such a relationship - what did I miss, how much was true, was I delusional , how could he do this to me? The coulda, woulda, shoulda. I feel with Mono, you had found a great love and losing that is excruciating, life changing. I'm bailing the same sinking boat myself , dazed and confused, alternating between angry , bitter , depressed , accepting .... Haunted every minute.

I pray you find peace.
 

WhatHappened

Active member
Unlike other break ups, Mono and mine left me with nothing to hold on to but a rendition of my own memories of events and a complete abolishment of him from my mind. At least I attempt that anyway. Truth is he haunts my every moment.

How I can relate to this. Although I am much more 'in Mono's shoes' so to speak, the mono GF of a married poly man--I am left wondering what was really true. And I am haunted every moment, thinking of him, knowing that in one sense he loved me, and yet he had spent years teaching himself not to REALLY feel too much for all his outside relationships. He excelled at compartmentalizing, and eventually flew into rages when I pointed out how his various compartments were in conflict with one another, when I wanted to hear that he loved me, but he had compartmentalized emotions from words from actions, fragmenting his life into dozens of boxes.
 

redpepper

New member
How I can relate to this. Although I am much more 'in Mono's shoes' so to speak, the mono GF of a married poly man--I am left wondering what was really true. And I am haunted every moment, thinking of him, knowing that in one sense he loved me, and yet he had spent years teaching himself not to REALLY feel too much for all his outside relationships. He excelled at compartmentalizing, and eventually flew into rages when I pointed out how his various compartments were in conflict with one another, when I wanted to hear that he loved me, but he had compartmentalized emotions from words from actions, fragmenting his life into dozens of boxes.
This was very helpful to read. That is, in part, what happened until love was just a word and sex was just an action for him it seems. He didn't know what love was and it was lost in terms of his love for me. If he ever really had any.

Now he believes that to move on to someone else will create love for him again and who knows, perhaps even the sex has meaning for him again with his new gf. He has vowed to be "good" after only knowing how to sink deeper into what he believes is "bad." I guess by now he has seen if that had worked or not. I hope it has. How horrible to live like that!

I only know that for me, being the poly one and also good at compartmentalizing, I was deeply in love with him regardless of others in my life and am now made to look a fool for thinking the words he said to me and the actions he had were just for me. I equate successfully keeping love for more than one to making sure all my metamours were as close as they wanted to be with each other and seeing my world in its whole when we were all together.

The face he had when his worlds came together I see in my mind still vividly. Disbelief and huge discomfort in not having control. To me it builds and even bigger case for metamours meeting one another so that too much comparentalizing doesn't happen. It needs to stay real (sane, not controlled, realistic, emotionally safe, paced in terms of time and not based on disociation from reality) and the only way to do that is to not divide up time and people so much that another life begins to emerge. It creates a fantasy world that at some point is not managable any more I don't think.
 
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redpepper

New member
I think poly will work great for me in this simmered down or watered down version of love I feel for any possible partner that is worth my time and effort. The love I had for Mono was intense and consuming. He groomed me well to play the part of the front lady to his lies. His skills at convincing and coercing were exceptional. I was love boomed and the thought of losing that love he gave became so great I couldn't be with anyone else as closely as I used to be or desired to be. I wasn't myself for a few years and now I understand the manipulation I went through by remembering his passive communication, lack of any real interest in me in any way (what I did, who I was with, his loyalty and commitment to building a life together) and his control of situations. Suddenly, time and time again, after feeling neglected, I was the love of his life and all love flowed from his words and actions after long droughts where I would be the one giving him attention, caring, loving, loyal and committed bits of myself. I don't even know if he even was aware of himself and how he conducted himself. Some how he managed to convince me that by barely being present or even looking at me that he loved and cared about me. It was always all about him! How did that happen!? When I read about sociopaths/narcassits in relationships it all fits yet it's hard to even put a finger on. The only evidence I have of his manipulation is right here in this blog. His words earlier were load with love and commitment and seemed to ring true even though at the time he had another world already forming. We all who read here believed him. Me most of all.
 
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redpepper

New member
There have only been two times that the people around me disagreed with my assessment of the final tally and thesis on my relationship with Mono.

Once was when I was with some friends and one of them asked about him. I told them a brief bit of history and the result of our break up and they empathized entirely having been through a similar relationship with their now ex wife. Another woman at the table interrupted our conversation and said she didn't believe that I didn't notice what was going on. I could not convince her that I wasn't an idiot and that I really did not know what he had been up to. She was firm in her belief that if she were in my shoes she would of seen signs and left when she saw them. No amount of my friend and I explaining how good he was at dishonesty could sway her.

Another time was when someone told me it was my fault and that if I hadn't of conducted my relationships in the way that I did, ie. left all my partners and let him have the secret life he once asked for while I continued to be with the partners I had, then he wouldn't of felt like he needed to go underground to get what he was taking without my consent. If only I had continued holding up the plates of my poly life then perhaps he could of hide longer and maybe eventually he could of slide the idea in that it was okay he had cheated for years and that he could still do so and just call it poly or an open DADT kind of thing.

(I guess the only moment where there was a glimmer of the truth was when he asked to have my consent to have a secret life with other women. I was so upset about his even asking (according to Mono) that he didn't feel that he could push the topic and just said what I wanted to hear. That was that he would work on our relationship, us only for now until such time as it didn't work anymore for either of us. He didn't want to have to spill the beans and tell me all he had been up to so he thought he could get away from it by asking for a life that he was really intending to continue anyway. One he had already started without my knowing that he had already started! The lie had become too big at that point and he didn't think I would be able to handle what was really going on in his life. It's true, I wouldn't of been able to handle it nor should I of "handled it." I would of kicked him out then, instead of almost three years later when someone else told me what he had been doing)
 
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redpepper

New member
I am concerned at the moment about Christmas as it's a time of year that puts me over the edge anyway. PN is transitioning and going off in another direction in life. He hasn't changed pronuouns yet nor has he told his family or our boy, LB. His life change from male to female explains a lot of misunderstandings we had and our lack of whatever it was that was missing. I have known for sometime but as he has spoken of it on FB I figure I can now talk about it. I was hoping we would be closer as a result but we drift further away. Perhaps eventually we will find some closeness again. Everything is still up in the air.

Christmas is meant to be about family and I cling on to the idea of spending time with the family I once knew... the last remaining members anyway, but all has changed and I fear that in that change, all is lost.

I intend to gloss over the whole season by volunteering at a local community kitchen and arranging time with friends. Not bad... just shabby in comparison to the joy I once felt at us all being together.
 

redpepper

New member
RP, I am sorry for the loss of your animal companion.

I feel for you, being duped by dating a Don Juan Narcissist. You might recall from my blog, I had a 2 1/2 year relationship with one as well. They are so good at appearing normally loving until it no longer suits them. It's such a betrayal of our good feelings and intentions towards them.

You know, one of my only 2 infractions here were for something snarky I said to Mono when I thought he was acting/talking/typing in a sketchy self serving way. Never trusted him... Just my 2 cents.

Best wishes. The apple tree and tomato plant memory was so well written. I can just feel the evolution of your soul.
Thanks for this. You are not the only one that has told me in hind sight that they didn't trust him and that there was something they were creeped out about about him. I can see that now and understand what that is. I have it too. How can the woman that is with him NOT have that feeling...?! Especially as she knows as much as I did, if not more! I find it bizarre and even creepier! Perhaps this is why I am okay and healing so quickly, because the whole thing makes me want to vomit with that sick feeling I feel? Or perhaps I am not as healed as I think? Who knows. How did you find a way to heal after your experience?
 

PinkPig

Active member
To me it builds and even bigger case for metamours meeting one another so that too much comparentalizing doesn't happen. It needs to stay real (sane, not controlled, realistic, emotionally safe, paced in terms of time and not based on disociation from reality) and the only way to do that is to not divide up time and people so much that another life begins to emerge. It creates a fantasy world that at some point is not managable any more I don't think.

I agree with this...keeping everything so separated feels disjointed and not-as real. But then, I tend to be an open book...not so great at keeping secrets about myself from the ones I love. Obviously, not everyone feels that way, as evidenced by the number of cheaters (who carry on with the cheating for years.) I'm sorry this happened to you. I always find it strange when people cheat within a poly framework? I mean, what's the point? I guess maybe the point is just that...secrecy and lies? Maybe they need them to feel alive?

I intend to gloss over the whole season by volunteering at a local community kitchen and arranging time with friends. Not bad... just shabby in comparison to the joy I once felt at us all being together.

I think if you're open to it, you may find yourself not just glossing over the whole season, but experiencing it in a whole new way. My limited experience with volunteering with soup kitchens during the holidays, is that it brings out a tremendous amount of gratitude, love, and joy for me. I've never been the recipient of as much sincere, raw gratitude, as I felt when volunteering in soup kitchens on the holidays. It's hard then, not to carry that gratitude into the rest of my life... I hope the same for you :)
 

redpepper

New member
you know what hurts the most right now? He used to, and I thought he still was, rely on me to dig him up from the side of him that he considered bad. I was his life love and anchor. It turns out that he wasn't talking to me when I thought he needed space to process, because he was talking to every other girl in town and more!. He was using them as well to dig him up from his bad self. Truth is that they were not. The piled the guilt and shame and fracturing to occur more. Me existing as a reminder of the slope he had gone down made love turn into shame and fear. Fear kills all other emotions. It kills hope and dreams. It's a strong reminder to me to never live in fear and if I find myself there I need to take good hard long look at why and then adjust my path if I find its because of shame and guilt.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi redpepper,

I feel I should apologize, I haven't been keeping up on your story like I should. You've been a faithful member here since like, the very beginning.

I've read some of your more recent blog posts (especially #1940), and just wanted to say belatedly that I am sorry about how hard things have been for you (this year particularly). I see that PN (as well as Mono) has contributed to that pain.

So sorry you had to put your cat down.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

redpepper

New member
Hey folks. I continue to be grateful for your kind replies and concerns. I keep writing here because it is helping me heal and I believe that to be open and honest about my journey helps others in some way. Not everyone gets what I am going through, nor do they agree with the path I take, but I continue as it is my path and true to me. For those who have supported that and have found resonance, I write for you... however infrequently.

I find myself sitting at the computer with a couple of hours ahead of me before the boy comes home. So I am hoping to catch up. I can only ever create a drop in the pan on here and usually I write when I am feeling particularly down or find a point of understanding about the past that propels me forward so today is a bit different in that I feel great and really can't think of anything to say of mind blowing proportion (to me).

A week or so back I thought I was going crazy. The closest to crazy I have ever felt. When I say crazy I mean out of control and so bizarrely weird that I thought I was going to drop off the dock of sanity into the ocean of losing my mind. Since then I have come to the conclusion that I might be suffering from PTSD. I have done some on line study to see if there is such a thing as PSTD after a relationship where someone has cheated on a person and *boom, yes there is. The profound nature of the cheating that Mono has done has made it hard for me to cope with the excessive amounts of information and memories related to that information. I have moments where, without my control, I end up swallowed by a sheer mass of emotion. Christmas for me was consumed with memory after memory that left me incapable of coping to the point where I was concerned for myself.

Yesterday the dear women of the (poly) Women's group I facilitate helped me through that and I am hoping that more therapy, more counselling, more acupuncture and other forms of therapies will help me make sense of it all and help me pull through. All of this self care and all of the people that simply listen and respect my head space are the reason I feel so good today. :)

Here is some stuff I learned that helped:

Gaslighting!---- "It is also quite typical for a questioning spouse to have had his or her reality denied for years by the unfaithful partner who insists that he or she is not cheating, that he or she really did need to stay at work until midnight, that he or she is not being different or distant, and that the worried partner is just being “paranoid, mistrustful, and unfair.” In this way, betrayed spouses are made over time to feel as if they are the problem, as if their emotional instability is the issue, and they blame themselves. Eventually, faced with a web of lies and well-crafted defenses, they begin to doubt their own feelings and intuition. Their thoughts and emotions are denied so the cheater can continue to cheat; and as we have long known from work with abused children, being made to feel wrong when you are right – having your accurate reality denied – is a solid foundation upon which much trauma is built." http://blogs.psychcentral.com/…/understanding-relationship…/

Wrote elsewhere about this: "All that time I was told that I am too emotional and need to work on settling down. That I over think and I get too passionate. I was ITCHING with intuition and didn't know why! I knew for years something wasn't right and blamed myself. Now this holiday season I sit here blaming myself again because frankly, I'm just weird. I don't feel like my skin is my own. I don't feel worthy and strangely, it feels more comfortable to believe the lies I was told above than to figure out who the fuck I am. Sadly, in some moments, I would take him and what I had back, just to feel normal again. The abuser and the abused.... cycling around and around. No wonder women go back to their abusers."

This helped too: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/stress_disorder.asp
 
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