Redpepper's journey

Leetah

Member
Somehow "cheating" doesn't seem to describe the full scope of Mono's behavior. Seems sociopathic at least.

Leetah
 

Phy

New member
I can't agree with your view of poly in general, but yours sepcifically ... yes :( Sorry this happened to you and changed everything for you.
 

newtoday

Member
The other side of poly we don't speak of.

Yes, I am still very hurt and angry. I doubt very much that will end any time soon. I was never cut out to be poly in action, only in heart. I am too emotional and empathetic to deal with it. My skin is not as thick and I love deeper than most. That caused major damage and was fodder for abuse of who I am. Anyone who was who I chose to love should be grateful for that love. They should feel honoured. Especially as I will likely never love that way again. That pure love I felt for others is gone. I feel it for no one now. I have lost what made me special. I am now humdrum and a walking shell of what I once was. There is no reason to love me or expect love in return because I don't exist anymore. At least not where I am willing to show it.

I am unable to consider that people have my best interest in mind when they make decisions. Really, everyone is out for themselves. When I found myself in a situation where I was doing well in poly for many, many years, there was always the consideration that things change and rather than getting out when I could and was less invested I decided to invest more, call people I love "family," trust deeper, have more faith. This was so wrong. It was a time to retreat and look after myself, keep them at arms length.
RP. I'm sorry for your losses.

Reading this as quoted above really hit home for me. I've followed your story almost from the beginning and to be honest, it was encouraging for me in the beginning when I decided to delve into such a relationship of my own.


It didn't work out, as most of these relationships do not. Yes, there are success stories, but they are few and far between.

I too struggle with hurt and anger, loss and discouragement. I too feel that I offer a pure love, unconditional, without limits, without expectations and have been taken advantage of for that. I've lost faith and trust.

Through the last several years reading and sometimes participating on here, my heart has hurt with sadness watching/reading so many lives being so negatively affected by poly.

In many stories you hear of:
- Stories of cheating, double standards,
- Secondaries being disposed of when they became a 'threat' or inconvenient.
- People being considered as toys for the Primary couple
- Blindsided spouses happy to continue to work hard on their monogamous relationship only to be emotionally terrorized and burdened with the "I think I'm poly" bomb by their partner.
- Polyamorous individuals hurt and confused , feeling betrayed or abandoned that a secondary, tertiary lover, FWB, fuck buddy, walked out on them to find something "real".
- Spouses who claim to be open and accepting and able to effectively deal with jealousy suddenly stricken with depression, anxiety, stress, in fear they will lose their spouse to the new person who they are dating.
- Poly / Open partner torn, forced to choose - do I hurt my struggling spouse (despite the fact that they too are open...) or my secondary who I also love dearly....
- Ghosting , disappearance, like you never mattered at all.
- Lies, excuses, reasons, silence
- No ownership, no accountability, no responsibility.
- Inhuman expectations of detachment, compartmentalization, acceptance.
- Isolation. Secrecy. Shame.
- Loss of privacy, when all of your fears, heartache, text messages, emails, private photos are shared with another partner and your weaknesses exposed.
- Censorship - living in fear of posting anonymously to seek help , advice and sort out your innermost thoughts
- Feeling forgettable, replaceable, unworthy, unloved.
- Sexual health challenges.
- Insecurity, jealousy, anguish, sleepless nights, nightmares,
- The effects on CHILDREN, families, friends, coworkers.... one's health, mental and physical.

I could continue but I think that covers most of it. Bottom line, most of it is a major mind fuck......It simply doesn't work in most circumstances. The fallout is horrific yet we don't hear much about those. Like in my experience, it was the expectation I just go away, quietly, say nothing and move on. Like I never existed.

I was a Secondary and what you're feeling echoes what's in my heart since my Love and I ended.

In a relationship movement that's supposed to be about open love, honesty, acceptance, authenticity, the stories of pain and loss are tremendous and all of it under the guise of "love"? No thanks. If that's what Love is supposed to be about, then I'll also pass.

The same issues arise with monogamous couples , with divorce rates at an all time high, but when you start adding other partners to the mix, the potential for drama and pain magnifies that much more.

We all make mistakes. We are all human. We all just want to be loved and to love someone we find special. Those connections are rare and we love to explore them when we find them. But is the residual pain for all involved worth it? No. It's not. Pain to ourselves, to our partners and to others they love is not worth it at all.

It's been said many times that Love is without limits, but time, energy attention and affection does have it's limit. It's a question of how much or little can you live it.

I hope you find peace. I hope we all do whether we are actively participating in this lifestyle or have moved passed it.
 
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redpepper

New member
First of all, thank you for all the replies. I love reading them all. I just don't respond that often but I do see them
RP. I'm sorry for your losses.

Reading this as quoted above really hit home for me. I've followed your story almost from the beginning and to be honest, it was encouraging for me in the beginning when I decided to delve into such a relationship of my own.


It didn't work out, as most of these relationships do not. Yes, there are success stories, but they are few and far between.

I too struggle with hurt and anger, loss and discouragement. I too feel that I offer a pure love, unconditional, without limits, without expectations and have been taken advantage of for that. I've lost faith and trust.

Through the last several years reading and sometimes participating on here, my heart has hurt with sadness watching/reading so many lives being so negatively affected by poly.

In many stories you hear of:
- Stories of cheating, double standards,
- Secondaries being disposed of when they became a 'threat' or inconvenient.
- People being considered as toys for the Primary couple
- Blindsided spouses happy to continue to work hard on their monogamous relationship only to be emotionally terrorized and burdened with the "I think I'm poly" bomb by their partner.
- Polyamorous individuals hurt and confused , feeling betrayed or abandoned that a secondary, tertiary lover, FWB, fuck buddy, walked out on them to find something "real".
- Spouses who claim to be open and accepting and able to effectively deal with jealousy suddenly stricken with depression, anxiety, stress, in fear they will lose their spouse to the new person who they are dating.
- Poly / Open partner torn, forced to choose - do I hurt my struggling spouse (despite the fact that they too are open...) or my secondary who I also love dearly....
- Ghosting , disappearance, like you never mattered at all.
- Lies, excuses, reasons, silence
- No ownership, no accountability, no responsibility.
- Inhuman expectations of detachment, compartmentalization, acceptance.
- Isolation. Secrecy. Shame.
- Loss of privacy, when all of your fears, heartache, text messages, emails, private photos are shared with another partner and your weaknesses exposed.
- Censorship - living in fear of posting anonymously to seek help , advice and sort out your innermost thoughts
- Feeling forgettable, replaceable, unworthy, unloved.
- Sexual health challenges.
- Insecurity, jealousy, anguish, sleepless nights, nightmares,
- The effects on CHILDREN, families, friends, coworkers.... one's health, mental and physical.

I could continue but I think that covers most of it. Bottom line, most of it is a major mind fuck......It simply doesn't work in most circumstances. The fallout is horrific yet we don't hear much about those. Like in my experience, it was the expectation I just go away, quietly, say nothing and move on. Like I never existed.

I was a Secondary and what you're feeling echoes what's in my heart since my Love and I ended.

In a relationship movement that's supposed to be about open love, honesty, acceptance, authenticity, the stories of pain and loss are tremendous and all of it under the guise of "love"? No thanks. If that's what Love is supposed to be about, then I'll also pass.

The same issues arise with monogamous couples , with divorce rates at an all time high, but when you start adding other partners to the mix, the potential for drama and pain magnifies that much more.

We all make mistakes. We are all human. We all just want to be loved and to love someone we find special. Those connections are rare and we love to explore them when we find them. But is the residual pain for all involved worth it? No. It's not. Pain to ourselves, to our partners and to others they love is not worth it at all.

It's been said many times that Love is without limits, but time, energy attention and affection does have it's limit. It's a question of how much or little can you live it.

I hope you find peace. I hope we all do whether we are actively participating in this lifestyle or have moved passed it.
Thank you for this well thought out list that describes many of my thoughts. I appreciate that you took the time to write it out and to put yourself on the line for a little insight into what can be the aftermath of poly. I fully agree. We don't often get to hear what happens on the other side of the trauma that can be caused.

People disappear for many reason but mostly, I have found, because they have indeed moved on and don't practice poly any more.

I have found that even if the jury is out as to if I will ever be close to someone entirely again, let alone practice poly, I have gained much from the ideals that were part of the theory of poly. I believe in love and that it expands and is abundant when I chose that path over scarcity and holding back love. I just don't think that it needs to be expressed necessarily or be clamoured for like I see many poly people doing. It is light and breath and often comes from something beyond ourselves. That can't be pulled out of a hat by a human. It manifests naturally. It will manifest in me. It already has.

I believe that people do have good intent most of the time but life, ego and just plain lack of intelligent thought regarding relationship dynamics get in the way. We are just so human and like to control our little worlds. That, and poly, do not mix.

I believe that some mono ideals are there for a reason. Mostly that, for me, some rules/guidelines/policy and/or procedure is good for me. I can rely on them and expect them from someone I chose to be with. If they don't follow them then I feel I have a concrete reason to leave them. Poly was too arbitrary and left up to interpretation. That leads to problems as no two people have the same interpretation. I'm done interpreting. I did it for years. Wrote about it on this forum. Talked about it loads with many poly people of my generation of poly. I still got fucked over when it was suppose to save me from getting fucked over by monogamy. At least getting fucked over by monogamy I can point to the manual and say, "look! Line three, page 45... this is where it says if you are a cheater I'm allowed to kick your ass to the curb!" and not be beaten up by people who say I should accept and find a way to open our relationship as they MUST be poly. Or worse, be beaten up by people who say I should of expected it because I had my cake and ate it too.

I intend to find a way to balance both what I have learned from poly in it's free love spirit with some of the more conservative approaches of monogamy for now. Monogamous ideals such as FOCUS; on one person that loves me and is focused on me in terms of companionship, time, priorities, personal support to further healing, sex and close relationship that brings comfort and stability in just being who we both are. I am far too damaged to be expected to be present, willing and invested in anyone other than just one.

If poly knocks on my door again in the near future it will because I have a death wish and want to destroy myself entirely. If anyone finds me there, shoot me. I will be grateful for it... lol. I am good with listening and participating in conversation with those that believe it is right for them. I am supportive and happily offer thoughts and share my story as it worked for me, but that is about it for now.
 
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redpepper

New member
You know what the really good news is? There is someone out there that will rock my new little world like no one ever has and I can feel that growing. So excited! :D

In the mean time I am content to ride my motorbike, enjoy the love in my life already, build my strength up, do stuff I have never done that is just for me, push myself.... and wait.... for life to unfold.
 

dingedheart

Active member
Couple things ....what kind of bike:D. ? And I think you've got the right attitude.

BELIEVE ! ( in someone out there that's going to Rock your world )

I guess I was wrong about that song :eek:



That being said as always I have a few questions :D

What happened to the rest of your tribe ??? Derby and her husband (II) are they still married and poly ....Leo , etc etc. Are those the people you were referring to?

Is PN still poly ??


I saw Kev's post and it reminded me of the thread and discussion he I had way back when .....poly and children ....the effects on children ...I don't remember the exact title ....(I'm sure Kev can link it for us...and I'm surprised he's not asking these questions ). I remember you being very out and open and thinking poly being a good thing for children. Was there a cost ? In hindsight do you think poly is / was a positive experience for LB.?


And what you think he'd say on that topic.? I just saw another thread on someone trying to educate young minds on this which triggered this thought.
 

dingedheart

Active member
Well well II you're still around but can't or don't feel typing your own word.

Are you ok. ( quote ). YES. or. NO

Are you still married .....* ( remarried doesn't count here )

Are you still both practicing poly ....

Still living the good life ?....
 

nycindie

New member
Hey DH, not everyone likes to share their lives as publicly as Redpepper did. Myself included!

Maybe you could start a new blog thread and let us all know how you and your family are doing? You seem to be quite upbeat whenever you pop in, so I hope everything is going great for you!
 
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redpepper

New member
"I believed our relationship was a Palace; a Fortress; capable if withstanding everything. I thought it a mystical, misty, gem stone covered, mountain top retreat.... and you, you made a mock of it by what you did .... made it into an IKEA show room; complete with people coming and going from our bed with their dirty shoes on."

Had to repost this as it's the closest analogy to having been cheated on that I have gotten so far.
 

redpepper

New member
Couple things ....what kind of bike:D. ? And I think you've got the right attitude.

BELIEVE ! ( in someone out there that's going to Rock your world )

I guess I was wrong about that song :eek:



That being said as always I have a few questions :D

What happened to the rest of your tribe ??? Derby and her husband (II) are they still married and poly ....Leo , etc etc. Are those the people you were referring to?

Is PN still poly ??


I saw Kev's post and it reminded me of the thread and discussion he I had way back when .....poly and children ....the effects on children ...I don't remember the exact title ....(I'm sure Kev can link it for us...and I'm surprised he's not asking these questions ). I remember you being very out and open and thinking poly being a good thing for children. Was there a cost ? In hindsight do you think poly is / was a positive experience for LB.?


And what you think he'd say on that topic.? I just saw another thread on someone trying to educate young minds on this which triggered this thought.

I can speak to a few things... I have no idea about a lot of it and would be guessing. Here's what I know and feel is okay to share.

PN, is now female

Leo's around and we chat from time to time.

Derby, no idea what she's doing but I know she dated Brad for some time after we broke up.

Brad I talk to from time to time on FB posts.

II, who is here still, I see from time to time at events and around town.

Everyone's marriage disintegrated for one reason or another except Leo's. I don't know what anyone's relationship identification is except PN's as she (once "he") announced loudly and publicly that poly is out of the question.

My boy thrived in his poly family and if anything, that was the best part of it in the end. He has grown into a very tolerant and compassionate young man. I'm very proud of him. It's too bad that the result of his not having the man that helped raise him has been hard and that his dad transitioned and he lost that male roll model also, but I have worked hard to make sure good quality men are sent in his direction whenever possible. This year I ensured he had a male teacher for example. He has grandparents that are very involved and both grandfather's spend a great deal of time with him.
 
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redpepper

New member
My mother says she worries about me because I seem depressed and lonely. I spend a lot of time alone now. That is vastly different for me. I do struggle, daily, but I'm doing okay.

This is part of what I wrote back to her on grief,

"I'm watching myself change and my life change with it. I think about him a million times a day but not in a traumatic way anymore. I will grieve for a very long time. It's best to settle into that and let it be what it is. One doesn't over come trauma like I have had ever... just get used to the change it brings."

I said this too,

"I have learned that I can only rely on me. I love my own company best. I don't need anyone but love my family and friends around just the same. It's different from the grasping for people's approval and love redpepper that you knew but I am not that person anymore. It hasn't served me. It's taken me years to master but I am better off on my own road on my own."

I am not weak because I struggle. I am strong because I admit I struggle and share it.
 
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redpepper

New member
New love in my life? My motorbike. I ride the same root almost daily if I can. Even when the weather sucks. I find that I am completely grounded and focused when I ride. The tourists are gone now and so are the cruise ships but there is always people by the ocean and commuters coming home from work. Always something to see and smell and feel.

I have been looking for riding community and have found it in a man that I think will be easy to ride with and who isn't all ego like most of the bikers I meet. See how that goes. He wants to date me but I said I don't date until I am friends with someone first. I don't think he'll stick around actually ... that response wasn't good enough for him I don't think. Ah well...

I have had a constant guy in my life for about a year now that insists on sticking it out with me even though I refuse to spend much time with him. I don't take him seriously enough. Maybe I should but other than being glad for the decent company and warm body to sleep with every now and then I don't see much else to go on for the future. We get along fine if we only see each other a very little bit as then it gets all complicated and I get freaked out and just want him to leave. I find I am completely zapped of energy when I spend too much time with others. I could sleep and sleep. It's all I really want to do. I think I am playing catch up.

This man has put up with so much. Talked me through tons and been supportive through and through. He's a good man... he needs someone that sees that and is able to give him their all. Someone with more in common. Someone who doesn't freak out when he gets to close.

Recently a riding buddy that was on several of the riding holidays we went on, died. Many friends of Mono's who were once my friends, came out of the woodwork to tell me. It wasn't so hard to hear about the friend dieing. It was hard to be contacted and told about it by all the people that thought I might want to know. I guess they didn't know that their absence in my life is part of the grief I've experienced.

When people break up, the break up isn't just of the two people, it's the whole life they created that breaks down. I can't imagine anyone who is my friend would contact Mono and tell him that someone he knows died though. That's the difference between him and I. I didn't treat him like a piece of shit was better... he treated me that way and his friends know that.

I can imagine they don't know what to do with that. In their lack of knowing what to do, I imagine they thought they were doing a good thing by reaching out to tell me about the friend that died. It wasn't for me however... it was for them. They wanted to feel better that they had reached out. What a fucked up logic. How is it at all benefitting me? It would of been more kind... and more gentle, to reach out beforehand and say words of support and kindness than to tell me a tragedy had happened. It added to my grief.

Now the issue is of the funeral. I sent the widow, the woman he had on the back of his bike that I also spent time with, a card. In the card I wrote that I understood and was really sorry she felt the pain of grief. I relayed some stories of our journeying together that were funny and a reminder of good times. I included my number in case she wanted to call some time.

She called... and invited me to the funeral. I won't be going. I have moved on. I no longer feel anything toward her passed on husband or her or any of the un-friended people that were part of our riding group that will be there. I have done my grieving of him and of them... done it all this past year. He and they never said a word after our break up and they became a silence in my life, just as he has... they became silent and I moved on.

I will call her and see how she's doing but there is no sense in going to something to say goodbyes I have already said in my mind, around people I would have to be incredibly vulnerable to and to face Mono alone while he has his friends around him. It would be a suicide pact. I don't think I would make it out alive. It would be like visiting a foreign country I dont want to be in and would set me back months. Besides, I don't have to prove anything to anyone by going.
 
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redpepper

New member
New love in my life? My motorbike. I ride the same root almost daily if I can. Even when the weather sucks. I find that I am completely grounded and focused when I ride. The tourists are gone now and so are the cruise ships but there is always people by the ocean and commuters coming home from work. Always something to see and smell and feel.

I have been looking for riding community and have found it in a man that I think will be easy to ride with and who isn't all ego like most of the bikers I meet. See how that goes. He wants to date me but I said I don't date until I am friends with someone first. I don't think he'll stick around however ... that response wasn't good enough for him I don't think. Ah well...

I have had a constant guy in my life for about a year now that insists on sticking it out with me even though I refuse to spend much time with him. I don't take him seriously enough. Maybe I should but other than being glad for the decent company and warm body to sleep with every now and then I don't see much else to go on for the future. At least he loves me and doesn't pretend to. We get along fine if we only see each other a very little bit as then it gets all complicated and I get freaked out and just want him to leave. I find I am completely zapped of energy when I spend too much time with others. I could sleep and sleep. It's all I really want to do. I think I am playing catch up.

This man has put up with so much. Talked me through tons and been supportive through and through. He's a good man... he needs someone that sees that and is able to give him their all. Someone with more in common. Someone who doesn't freak out when he gets to close.

Recently a riding buddy that was on several of the riding holidays we went on, died. Many friends of Mono's who were once my friends, came out of the woodwork to tell me. It wasn't so hard to hear about the friend dieing. It was hard to be contacted and told about it by all the people that thought I might want to know. I guess they didn't know that their absence in my life is part of the grief I've experienced.

When people break up the break up isn't just of the two people, it's the whole life they created that breaks down. I can't imagine anyone who is my friend would contact Mono and tell him that someone he knows died though. That's the difference between him and I. I didn't treat him like a piece of shit was better... he treated me that way and his friends know that.

I can imagine they don't know what to do with that. In their lack of knowing what to do, I imagine they thought they were doing a good thing by reaching out to tell me about the friend that died. It wasn't for me however... it was for them. They wanted to feel better that they had reached out. What a fucked up logic. How is it at all benefitting me? It would of been more kind... and more gentle, to reach out beforehand and say words of support and kindness than to tell me a tragedy had happened. It added to my grief.

Now the issue is of the funeral. I sent the widow, the woman he had on the back of his bike that I also spent time with, a card. In the card I wrote that I understood and was really sorry she felt the pain of grief. I relayed some stories of our journeying together that were funny and a reminder of good times. I included my number in case she wanted to call some time.

She called... and invited me to the funeral. I won't be going. I have moved on. I no longer feel anything toward her passed on husband or her or any of the un-friended people that were part of our riding group that will be there. I have done my grieving of him and of them... done it all this past year. He and they never said a word after our break up and they became a silence in my life, just as he has... they became silent and I moved on.

I will call her and see how she's doing but there is no sense in going to something to say goodbyes I have already said in my mind, around people I would have to be incredibly vulnerable to and to face Mono alone while he has his friends around him. It would be a suicide pact. I don't think I would make it out alive. It would be like visiting a foreign country I dont want to ne in and would set me back months. Besides, I don't have to prove anything to anyone by going.
 
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redpepper

New member
Death is a funny thing to observe. I've experienced a lot of it these past years. Several friends, several pets and several ends to relationships.

My observation has been that if someone dies then support comes in the way of gathering together (at a funeral or celebration of life) to surround those who have lost the person. In that way everyone can move on with good feelings and in comfort. When a relationship implodes and there is a form of "death" there is nothing to anchor those that have lost with comfort and good feelings about moving on.

The end result is the same I suppose. Everyone moves on. What isn't the same is the love, care, gentleness and kindness that follows one and not the other. I haven't heard of people ghosting people's widows... but I have heard of people ghosting someone who has been the victim of their partners actions and the relationship has ended.

I guess there is always a chance still if someone is still alive... (frankly, he might as well be dead as there doesn't seem to be any chance to heal from this WITH him). It's like being lost at sea. No anchor.

I'm so glad to have this space to put these words. I realize they aren't going to be popular with all but rather than letting the emotion and words out inappropriately, it's best they all are left here for strangers to read them than them seeping into what I hold dear; my values of being kind, as gentle as I can, compassionate as I can and as selfless as I can all with integrity and priority to those who deserve my loyalty. I have managed to hold this vow to myself in my life. Because I value integrtiy I feel strong enough to carry out my life living by my values rather than the hurt, pain and anger I feel at some of the injustice from those around me, as a result of the unfolding of my life, being released inappropriately. I feel like this is my god.

I get that not everyone can or will rise to the occasion to be there for me and I forgive that, but it doesn't mean it isn't hard on me.

I've been thinking a lot about what I would like if I die. I have it all planned out. I would like to have a funeral, not a celebration of life. I want my death to be celebrated. I will be relieved and set free once and for all. I want my house to be filled with lights and my body to be in a casket in the living room. I don't care who comes to see me and those that are sad I'm gone. It isn't about them, it's about me entering the atmosphere again and my soul and body being reunited with everything in nature. I want the house to be gutted and renovated so there is no inkling of what went on here. I want my clothing and personal items to be burned after everyone takes what they want.... tear apart this house... take it all. I don't care who has it. I want there to be screaming and dancing and loud music and much debauchery. Please don't let there be crying.... it will be the happiest day of my life when I die.
 
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opalescent

Active member
Are you seeing a therapist RP? I'm worried about you.

The losses you have suffered are more than enough to depress anyone. But you've never talked about welcoming death. I know that is different from being suicidal. And at times, I've certainly felt that being dead would be easier than being alive.

But I'm still worried for you.

You don't owe me an answer or any sort of response. You owe me squat. Please consider if a therapist can help you welcome life again.
 

redpepper

New member
Are you seeing a therapist RP? I'm worried about you.

The losses you have suffered are more than enough to depress anyone. But you've never talked about welcoming death. I know that is different from being suicidal. And at times, I've certainly felt that being dead would be easier than being alive.

But I'm still worried for you.

You don't owe me an answer or any sort of response. You owe me squat. Please consider if a therapist can help you welcome life again.

Thanks for your concern. I don't mean to make anyone worry about me. I talk about my death more often than most. It's a running joke at work that I tell everyone what to say at my funeral ("she's an absolute joy!" hahahaha! Cause I'm not. ;))

I was seeing several therapists last year and stopped this summer to give my pocket book a break and to see where I am at. I think I need to go back soon. The hypnotherapy worked best on my feelings of self worth and abandonment. Wow... huge change. I have seen a whole new part of myself that I just love!

I think I could work on life purpose more now as I seem to be lost in terms of a new direction. I don't seem ready yet.

Part of the issue is due to promising my son I would keep the house he was raised in until he's out of school. The other part is that, well, he needs me. He's doing well because I am being a good mum and sacrificing for his well being. I can see however that any shift in what I am doing right now could disturb that and cause a shift that might not be a good one.

LB's Dad... now a woman, is really self involved and doesn't do much with him other than being at home and being there. She is going through hormone changes and can be like another teenager. I found most of the adulting in terms of parenting beyond the basics. She's never been the organizer/creater of life experiences and interesting events that help him become and adult. I mostly do that. She's made lots of promises to him and as far as I know hardly any of them that involve doing stuff out of the house have been actualized. I have taken on that responsibility.

I wait... stuff going to happen. Doors will open. I have waited so long for that and I have faith still that I have some kind of purpose. Some therapy in that direction might help.
 

redpepper

New member
My ex, PN, wrote a post on FB asking what we look for in a relationship. I took it upon myself to really consider where I'm at with anyone coming into my life. I have invited and released people on the list I made subconsciously.

I have become more certain about what I want in my partner from years of experience both good and bad....

First of all I don't believe that asking for what I "want" is going to work. I also have to look at what I "offer" and what I need to work on in terms of offering what I believe reflects what I want. I believe I am a mirror to those I chose to have in my life. They must reflect all that I love about myself in terms of values and priorities. Each point I have on my list is also what I offer in return. I believe that more is said unspoken and therefore promises made, exclamations on the self and words of love fall short. I will be watching. There is more to learn in observation of actions than in words.

Here goes:

HONESTY AND LOYALTY; The person I chose to be with must be honest with themselves so that they may speak honestly with me. No hiding, no secrets, no hidden agenda. They need to live in their honesty daily and never stray from that. In doing so they will be loyal to themselves and to me and to those they love. It will unfold for the term of our relationship. No surprises.

FAMILY PRIORITIES; The person I chose to be with will put me and our families (chosen, pets and blood relatives), first, every time. I want to be with someone that makes room for helping their family and mine, who is there, every time, even if they can't physically be there. They are there in support. Someone who puts their circle of close people first so that they may put them first also. They need to be reliable and generous to their family. Ready to help and see where they are needed.

ACTIVELY PASSIONATE; I need to be with a person that 'gets going' in life because they have stuff to do and things that make their heart sing. I need to respect them for those things and they need to be things I admire them for doing. I don't need to be doing them with them, but they need to let me do my things also. This passion will translate into our intimacy together in many ways.

HILARIOUSNESS; I need to laugh so hard I roll around on the floor. They need to laugh with me about all the silly things that make me me and about all the absurdities in life. They need to match my humour because we will always have fun in every situation if we can find the humour in it.

FINANCIALLY STABLE; I chose someone that has the money they need to look after themselves and to be generous to others. Career is important to them as a means to an end. I want to be able to help them be generous and to make that our priority. I want them to match my holiday time from work so that we might go to places where we can help and have fun doing so. Lets face it, I am not rich with money but I am rich with life purpose and to do that I need money. This person must be rich with both for both of us so that we can make good happen in the world around us. This is also part of their passion.

I see these things in many people I have in my life right now! I'm so excited! :)
 
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