RP. I'm sorry for your losses.Yes, I am still very hurt and angry. I doubt very much that will end any time soon. I was never cut out to be poly in action, only in heart. I am too emotional and empathetic to deal with it. My skin is not as thick and I love deeper than most. That caused major damage and was fodder for abuse of who I am. Anyone who was who I chose to love should be grateful for that love. They should feel honoured. Especially as I will likely never love that way again. That pure love I felt for others is gone. I feel it for no one now. I have lost what made me special. I am now humdrum and a walking shell of what I once was. There is no reason to love me or expect love in return because I don't exist anymore. At least not where I am willing to show it.
I am unable to consider that people have my best interest in mind when they make decisions. Really, everyone is out for themselves. When I found myself in a situation where I was doing well in poly for many, many years, there was always the consideration that things change and rather than getting out when I could and was less invested I decided to invest more, call people I love "family," trust deeper, have more faith. This was so wrong. It was a time to retreat and look after myself, keep them at arms length.
Thank you for this well thought out list that describes many of my thoughts. I appreciate that you took the time to write it out and to put yourself on the line for a little insight into what can be the aftermath of poly. I fully agree. We don't often get to hear what happens on the other side of the trauma that can be caused.RP. I'm sorry for your losses.
Reading this as quoted above really hit home for me. I've followed your story almost from the beginning and to be honest, it was encouraging for me in the beginning when I decided to delve into such a relationship of my own.
It didn't work out, as most of these relationships do not. Yes, there are success stories, but they are few and far between.
I too struggle with hurt and anger, loss and discouragement. I too feel that I offer a pure love, unconditional, without limits, without expectations and have been taken advantage of for that. I've lost faith and trust.
Through the last several years reading and sometimes participating on here, my heart has hurt with sadness watching/reading so many lives being so negatively affected by poly.
In many stories you hear of:
- Stories of cheating, double standards,
- Secondaries being disposed of when they became a 'threat' or inconvenient.
- People being considered as toys for the Primary couple
- Blindsided spouses happy to continue to work hard on their monogamous relationship only to be emotionally terrorized and burdened with the "I think I'm poly" bomb by their partner.
- Polyamorous individuals hurt and confused , feeling betrayed or abandoned that a secondary, tertiary lover, FWB, fuck buddy, walked out on them to find something "real".
- Spouses who claim to be open and accepting and able to effectively deal with jealousy suddenly stricken with depression, anxiety, stress, in fear they will lose their spouse to the new person who they are dating.
- Poly / Open partner torn, forced to choose - do I hurt my struggling spouse (despite the fact that they too are open...) or my secondary who I also love dearly....
- Ghosting , disappearance, like you never mattered at all.
- Lies, excuses, reasons, silence
- No ownership, no accountability, no responsibility.
- Inhuman expectations of detachment, compartmentalization, acceptance.
- Isolation. Secrecy. Shame.
- Loss of privacy, when all of your fears, heartache, text messages, emails, private photos are shared with another partner and your weaknesses exposed.
- Censorship - living in fear of posting anonymously to seek help , advice and sort out your innermost thoughts
- Feeling forgettable, replaceable, unworthy, unloved.
- Sexual health challenges.
- Insecurity, jealousy, anguish, sleepless nights, nightmares,
- The effects on CHILDREN, families, friends, coworkers.... one's health, mental and physical.
I could continue but I think that covers most of it. Bottom line, most of it is a major mind fuck......It simply doesn't work in most circumstances. The fallout is horrific yet we don't hear much about those. Like in my experience, it was the expectation I just go away, quietly, say nothing and move on. Like I never existed.
I was a Secondary and what you're feeling echoes what's in my heart since my Love and I ended.
In a relationship movement that's supposed to be about open love, honesty, acceptance, authenticity, the stories of pain and loss are tremendous and all of it under the guise of "love"? No thanks. If that's what Love is supposed to be about, then I'll also pass.
The same issues arise with monogamous couples , with divorce rates at an all time high, but when you start adding other partners to the mix, the potential for drama and pain magnifies that much more.
We all make mistakes. We are all human. We all just want to be loved and to love someone we find special. Those connections are rare and we love to explore them when we find them. But is the residual pain for all involved worth it? No. It's not. Pain to ourselves, to our partners and to others they love is not worth it at all.
It's been said many times that Love is without limits, but time, energy attention and affection does have it's limit. It's a question of how much or little can you live it.
I hope you find peace. I hope we all do whether we are actively participating in this lifestyle or have moved passed it.
Couple things ....what kind of bike. ? And I think you've got the right attitude.
BELIEVE ! ( in someone out there that's going to Rock your world )
I guess I was wrong about that song
That being said as always I have a few questions
What happened to the rest of your tribe ??? Derby and her husband (II) are they still married and poly ....Leo , etc etc. Are those the people you were referring to?
Is PN still poly ??
I saw Kev's post and it reminded me of the thread and discussion he I had way back when .....poly and children ....the effects on children ...I don't remember the exact title ....(I'm sure Kev can link it for us...and I'm surprised he's not asking these questions ). I remember you being very out and open and thinking poly being a good thing for children. Was there a cost ? In hindsight do you think poly is / was a positive experience for LB.?
And what you think he'd say on that topic.? I just saw another thread on someone trying to educate young minds on this which triggered this thought.
Are you seeing a therapist RP? I'm worried about you.
The losses you have suffered are more than enough to depress anyone. But you've never talked about welcoming death. I know that is different from being suicidal. And at times, I've certainly felt that being dead would be easier than being alive.
But I'm still worried for you.
You don't owe me an answer or any sort of response. You owe me squat. Please consider if a therapist can help you welcome life again.