The other side of poly we don't speak of.
Yes, I am still very hurt and angry. I doubt very much that will end any time soon. I was never cut out to be poly in action, only in heart. I am too emotional and empathetic to deal with it. My skin is not as thick and I love deeper than most. That caused major damage and was fodder for abuse of who I am. Anyone who was who I chose to love should be grateful for that love. They should feel honoured. Especially as I will likely never love that way again. That pure love I felt for others is gone. I feel it for no one now. I have lost what made me special. I am now humdrum and a walking shell of what I once was. There is no reason to love me or expect love in return because I don't exist anymore. At least not where I am willing to show it.
I am unable to consider that people have my best interest in mind when they make decisions. Really, everyone is out for themselves. When I found myself in a situation where I was doing well in poly for many, many years, there was always the consideration that things change and rather than getting out when I could and was less invested I decided to invest more, call people I love "family," trust deeper, have more faith. This was so wrong. It was a time to retreat and look after myself, keep them at arms length.
RP, I'm sorry for your losses.
Reading this as quoted above really hit home for me. I've followed your story almost from the beginning, and to be honest, it was encouraging for me in the beginning, when I decided to delve into my own such relationship.
It didn't work out, as most of these relationships do not. Yes, there are success stories, but they are few and far between.
I too struggle with hurt and anger, loss and discouragement. I too feel that I offer a pure love, unconditional, without limits or expectations and I've been taken advantage of for that. I've lost faith and trust.
Through the last several years reading and sometimes participating on here, my heart has hurt with sadness watching/reading so many lives being so negatively affected by poly.
In many stories you hear of:
- Stories of cheating and double standards.
- Secondaries being disposed of when they became a 'threat' or inconvenient.
- People being considered as toys for the primary couple.
- Blindsided spouses happy to continue to work hard on their monogamous relationship only to be emotionally terrorized and burdened with the "I think I'm poly" bomb by their partner.
- Polyamorous individuals feeling hurt and confused, betrayed or abandoned that a secondary, tertiary lover, FWB, fuck buddy, walked out on them to find something "real."
- Spouses who claim to be open and accepting and able to effectively deal with jealousy suddenly stricken with depression, anxiety, stress, in fear they will lose their spouse to the new person they are dating.
- Poly/open partner torn, forced to choose-- do I hurt my struggling spouse (despite the fact that they too are open) or my secondary, whom I also love dearly?
- Ghosting , disappearance, like you never mattered at all.
- Lies, excuses, defense, silence.
- No ownership, no accountability, no responsibility.
- Inhuman expectations of detachment, compartmentalization, acceptance.
- Isolation. Secrecy. Shame.
- Loss of privacy, when all of your fears, heartache, text messages, emails, private photos are shared with another partner and your weaknesses exposed.
- Censorship-- living in fear of posting anonymously to seek help, advice and sort out your innermost thoughts.
- Feeling forgettable, replaceable, unworthy, unloved.
- Sexual health challenges.
- Insecurity, jealousy, anguish, sleepless nights, nightmares.
- The effects on CHILDREN, families, friends, coworkers, and on one's own health, mental and physical.
I could continue, but I think that covers most of it. Bottom line: most of it is a major mind fuck. It simply doesn't work in most circumstances. The fallout is horrific, yet we don't hear much about that. As in my experience, it was expected that I just go away quietly, say nothing and move on... like I'd never existed.
I was a secondary. What you're feeling echoes what's in my heart since my Love and I ended.
In a relationship movement that's supposed to be about open love, honesty, acceptance, authenticity, the stories of pain and loss are tremendous and all of it under the guise of "love"? No thanks. If that's what love is supposed to be about, then I'll pass.
The same issues arise with monogamous couples, with divorce rates at an all time high. But when you start adding other partners to the mix, the potential for drama and pain magnifies that much more.
We all make mistakes. We are all human. We all just want to be loved and to love someone we find special. Those connections are rare and we love to explore them when we find them. But is the residual pain for all involved worth it? No. It's not. Pain to ourselves, to our partners and to others they love is not worth it at all.
It's been said many times that love is without limits, but time, energy attention and affection do have their limits. It's a question of how much or little can you live it.
I hope you find peace. I hope we all do, whether we are actively participating in this lifestyle or have moved past it.