Redpepper's journey

redpepper

New member
When I first heard of his cheating, the first time, I admired and was jealous of the cat, Georgia. She would waltz into the room and greet him face to face on the couch where we sat, full of love where I was tormented by the anguish of the demons I discovered that he knew were there all along. I sat beside them witnessing her love for him as she proceeded to clean his forehead with lick after relentless lick. She washed him clean and I was angry at her for it. She symbolized the woman he had hidden from me, giving to him where I thought it was my place to give. She also represented something I could not do because of my devastation, I couldn’t snuggle up to him and wash away his troubles.

In time, I healed, and trusted again, yet she stopped washing him. I thought it was a symbol of her giving him back to me, of my taking back my position in his life as the woman by his side that helped him wash away his troubles. Now that I know his whole story I understand why she stopped. It turns out she stopped washing him because he had new women, more people. He brought them into our home for her to see.

Now she washes my forehead and we snuggle. Together we have an understanding of what it really means to love. Together we know what it means to grieve. She grieved long before I did.
 
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YouAreHere

Active member
They sense more than we realize at the time. Hugs, RP.

I do find it weird when Patches licks my ear, but I just kinda go with it for a while. I probably just smell bad and she's trying to clean me up. ;)
 

redpepper

New member
Last night I had the pleasure of being invited to play poker with 6 lesbian friends of my ex wife and now best friend of almost 30 years. I have been once before and learned the rules of Texas Hold'em. This time I was a bit more at ease and prepared for a long night of cards, chat, snacks and drinks. I had so much fun and at the end of the night my queen beat a jack as I took the last chips of the last opponent, winning the game and the pot of $120. I was thrilled on so many levels... and here's why;

First off I never win anything, ever, in a game as I am not competitive and enjoy the fun of the game rather than the winning of it, so I was at a bit of a lose as to how to take winning. It was thrilling to FEEL something.

Secondly, I made new friends! And, friends with common interests such as watching the UFC fights, gardening and motorbike riding (unlikely combo, :rolleyes:), two of which are lost loves that got kicked out the door when I booted my ex out (okay, I have watched UFC a bit with friends that are obviously placating me, :p).

Thirdly, it has made me rethink which team I am playing on with my sexuality. I have a love of women that I haven't been thinking about and after an evening of spending time with women of a like mind it has made me think that perhaps I have been barking up the wrong tree and need to take a closer look... or at least open that door a little.
..........
So this is entirely not poly related, but I thought I would celebrate the first movement toward joy in a long time with you all. The abandonment, deception and disrespect of my loyal, generous and kind nature I have felt has weighed heavily on me as I watch everyone get on with their lives while I sit licking my wounds, unable to move for want of trying. I have felt as if I need to learn how to walk again. I suck it up and put on a happy face well but I have noted two of the women Mono had an affair with move on to new babies and new marriages of late and see that life has gone on while I sit here in my new found independence and self reliance barely keeping my head above the grief and sadness enough to make it through my work week.

I can see I am getting better when I start picking fights with my Chinese boyfriend who turns out to be racist and sexist. I'm done with that and don't expect change out of people like I used to, enough to make me want to stay and keep at changing them to fit my idea of who people should be. I admit, I thought the Chinese bf would be different.

I am done with apathy and an inability most people seem to have to challenge their fucked up lines of thinking. When I get too down the only way back up is anger at the world and therefore him in the form of standing my ground about his sexism and manipulation when he says shit like "what did the lesbians look like" when I tell him about my fun night playing poker and "I hope you don't spend too much of my time" when I tell him about new things I intend to pursue.

Anger has been motivating, and now new friends and a possible new avenue of adventures with new people has been motivating...

It's coming, the new life of which I anticipate and dream of unfolding is coming. It has to. There is no way but up at this point. Hitting bottom has a way of forcing that.... that or death is all there is.
 
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SNeacail

New member
I think we all need those connections with people of the same gender and people with similar interests. There is just something that can't replace what happens when a bunch of girls get together. I'm sure it's the same for the guys.
 

nycindie

New member
. . . I have noted two of the women Mono had an affair with move on to new babies and new marriages of late and see that life has gone on while I sit here in my new found independence and self reliance barely keeping my head above the grief and sadness enough to make it through my work week.
RP, there is no standard time frame for getting through grief. You had a double whammy and didn't just lose Mono, you lost PolyNerdist, too. You had counted on both relationships for different things and they both ended. And then you are suddenly living in your house by yourself, surrounded with all the memories of the past years with both of them, and you had to handle most of the parenting of LB alone. Those are not small changes that would be easy to get over!

There's an element of feeling a major shift in who you are when people who were important to you for a long time are no longer part of your life. Anyone would be devastated, numb, or disoriented for a long time after their whole world is turned upside down like yours was. So, be kind to yourself! It sounds like doing more fun things with your new friends would be very healing.

(((((HUGS)))))
 
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redpepper

New member
Shaking of the yuck with a news update.... Whew! :rolleyes:

So I have made the Women's group I facilitated for seven years into a permanent fixture. I can run it competently and all the Women that come know what to expect. The feed back has largely been that it has been beneficial and successful. There has been the odd rumour I have heard where it hasn't been but nothing more than it just hasn't suited some Women's taste in a Women's group. Fair enough. It isn't for everyone.

Now I have been honoured with the task of revamping the local Men's group. Well how does that work? It seems that enough Men that are on the group (and know me and/or the women in my Women's group) agree to see if I can get the group going again.

I am thrilled! I have wanted to get a chance to work with men in a long time. I feel as if my passion is heading in the direction of my education again in terms of therapeutic career. I have a ton of experience as a result of my relationship life as a poly person and I feel as if much of what I have learned from facilitating groups and the job I have had for almost 20 years will help me be the best that I can be at this task.

I have been waiting and gathering courage for years now and finally offered in this new year to take it on. After many years of study and thought I am so ready. I have a plan of how it will be structured and even though I am a Woman I feel that I can offer as much male centred space as possible without having too much of a presence in the group. So far I have restructured the FB group and now we will begin with a meet up. After that I am hoping that the template I offer can be changed and utilized so that eventually the Men in the group can take it over again.

Wish me luck!!! Such exciting times!
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hi redpepper,

I don't think anything Mono does is your fault ... even if he hurts more people. Those are his actions, his choices, and maybe he's a polished liar, but that's not your fault either.

I don't know what secret you're keeping for him, but I hope you'll at least reveal it to your therapist. Then you can get some counsel on what to do with it.

I hope you get some emotional relief.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Sorry, I cross-posted with your other post. Congrats on your work and opportunity with the Women's and Men's group. I wish you all the best! and think you'll do fine.
 

redpepper

New member
It was quite a looooong winter. It lasted forever around these parts. Cold, rain and grey. Now it's spring and new life has come.

Things have been going well for the most part. Three meet ups into the Men's group and I find myself with no idea how it's going. Men show up, they seem to get something out of it and I am satisfied each time I reflect on the event. I get little to no feedback. I get none from the Women's group either though and yet the women come each month also. It's been a great experience and I feel I am good at it and making a difference. Recently some of the Women told me they think I am a good facilitator and have a way about me that puts them at ease and that I ask questions and say things that make them think and move forward in their lives. I was glad to hear it and felt proud of myself. It's all I needed and wanted. Unfortunately I think it's set my place in my local community as someone outside of it. I have had no interest from anyone to be my friend let alone been asked out. Maybe because I am unapproachable or not interesting or... I don't know. I'm not free anyways but it makes me sad and feel I am passed my prime.

My boy, LB, turns 14 in two weeks. Can you believe it?! He was 5 when I first started writing here. Now he has dating prospects of his own and I am proud of his approach and respect toward the girls he is interested in. He is frustrated at the level of communication and how low it is... ghosting and childish uncertainty confuses him. He's always been mature for his age and stage however. He says his friends families are "normal" and ours is "weird" with his trans father parent and his ex lesbian mother and his poly upbringing. I have pointed out that what he values grew out of his "weird" upbringing and that while he may not feel he entirely fit in, someone is out there that will match what he values in no game playing honest communication.

The ex, Mono, and all the changes that have taken place are still a daily thought as I move through my days but I no longer have a viseral and emotional response. Occasionally I come across a memory I haven't had yet like the time there was a lipstick kiss on the front door of the suite he lived in with me. I stood at that door that day as I knocked to ask the tennent who now lives there if I could come in with a man from the appliance company to look at his stove and it hit me like a slap to the face. Why was that kiss there? I remember Mono stumbling over his words and my confusion. He had said it was probably a friend teasing him when they had come to his place only to find he wasn't home. I was set back for as much time as it take me to find a way to avoid the memory until I can find some time to be alone with it and allow it to surface. The pain and trauma are still really hard, yet I have found ways to cope, thanks to therapy and hard work.

Plans this summer include a trip to Montreal and Quebec City to visit where I went to university and to visit my neice and my brother. I have a friend from the UK coming over that I met on this very forum and who I met up with last summer on my epic RV adventure around the UK. He has been a rock to me. I have been so grateful and look forward to showing him and his son around. I have some other trips coming up too that involve driving to Oregon to see the solar eclipse at another forum friends house. I hope that one of our mutual friends will be able to make it to that one also. I am going with my ex wife and best friend to that.

My relationship with the man I met two months after my life changed is going well. We have settled into a comfortable routine and he has proven to be healing and grounding to me. So many people have come together to ground me and be rocks for me. I have been very lucky.
 

redpepper

New member
I had a vivid dream. I dreamt that Mono was feeling all nostalgic and wanted to know how my boy is doing so he reached out. Freaked the shit out of me!

Last night I remembered a detail. I have no where to put these details so I'll start writing them here.

One time we were out in the back garden. I was watering and Mono was putting the extension cord for the mower away. I looked up to his door, which backs onto the garden but is seperated by some stairs and flower gaedens. A woman in her late 20's ran out clutching her stuff. I yelled out for her to stop and she stopped at the corner of the house with her head down. When I approached to ask her what she had been doing there she said she was hiding from her boyfriend who lived down the street. She was escaping from him. She said she saw the open door and had gone inside to hide but realized that she couldn't stay there and decided to leave again. I asked if I could help and held her in my arms while she sobbed uncontrollably. She said she was fine, she had to go now and apologized over and over again. I told her it was okay and she could come and knock on the door if she wanted to. I'd do what I could to help. I didn't see her again. Mono never came over from the yard. He watched while he woind the cord up, from a distance. I wondered why as it was his apartment she'd come from. I told him what happened and he blew it off. He didn't react at all and just went about what he was doing. I checked over the apartment as best I could and suggested he did also but he said he wasn't bothered.

I thought about that all night... what was that about???!!!! It's one of many stories that rattle around in my head.

I am so grateful for my honest and uncomplicated life.
 

redpepper

New member
I would like to apologize to everyone involved in my life from 2009-2015 for the needless drama that was caused.

I have a specific person in mind when I write this today. The woman Mono was supposidly seeing on Monday's at lunch time as his attempt at poly when we had agreed to be exclusive was one of many he saw in a week or even a day. I focussed on her only as she is all I knew of.

She had been a friend for several years. She went to the Women's group I facilitated and I went with her to Vegas for our friend's wedding. She was cautious about Mono and said she was in no rush and definitely was not interested in anything if he and I were exclusive for the time being in order to work on our relationship. I told her I was not comfortable at the time and yet, true to how it usually works out, they did not stop seeing each other. At least that is what I was told. I have written about her here if you look back to 2013-14.

Now I believe that he was telling me he was seeing her and other friends in order to gain some time. He was not going to work when I thought he was and now I believe he wasn't seeing people he said he was.

This particular woman I saw on the bus one day when I was with Mono. She sat down and chatted with us as we drove. She could see clearly that I was not happy and looked confused about that. Mono tried to include me in the conversation but I looked out the window and wouldn't engage. I couldn't. I physically couldn't. I remember her confusion at my response to her as we got off the bus and I wonder now if he was seeing her at all.

Shortly after that I lost the mutual friend as she and Mono ended up texting to each other after a party that he passed out at with his phone wide open. I clearly saw his messages to her. They had been flirting all night and ended up in a bathroom together. She apologized and so did he but she cut our friendship and blocked me... both of them did. I think about that often and wonder what happened there.

I would like to apologize for that drama and confusion. I had a part in that I didn't understand at the time and it was likely a part that was lied about as much as he likely lied about them. I don't know the truth but I'm sorry. I miss those friends. Especially the one who's wedding I went to in Vegas. I've reached out a few monthes ago, without expectations, and told her I appreciated her friendship for many years, but she never wrote back.
 
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Shaya

New member
Hey Red, sorry you're hurting. My guess is she's either got a different phone number or she's forced to side with Mono. Don't worry about, that chapter of your life is over if you wish. No need to revisit it except in dreams which you can't control. Find yourself some new friends worthy of the new you.

Good luck, you know this forum will always be here, anonymously, for you if you need.

I learnt a lot from your journeys. Thank you.

Shaya.
 

redpepper

New member
Hey Red, sorry you're hurting. My guess is she's either got a different phone number or she's forced to side with Mono. Don't worry about, that chapter of your life is over if you wish. No need to revisit it except in dreams which you can't control. Find yourself some new friends worthy of the new you.

Good luck, you know this forum will always be here, anonymously, for you if you need.

I learnt a lot from your journeys. Thank you.

Shaya.
Thanks Shaya. I have indeed moved on. Every now and then, as if by some underlying force, I am compelled to revisit and go over it again. Such as it is with trauma. I allow that to happen and each time the result has been to take me further away from the trauma. I figure that is healthy for me.

Because I have been to tons of therapy and the therapists all said, "write a blog," I figure I will write it all here where the story first began. Eventually I will have nothing left to say and can at least read back and find the memory.
 

redpepper

New member
Hey all.

So in the last year I've spent my time facilitating relationship groups for men and women and became a member of another group aimed to support people who have experienced unpleasantness from members of the polyamory (and overlapping) community in one way or another. We haven't got off the ground yet in terms of being actively supportive as it turns out there are many layers to unravel around legalities and agreeing on approach and procedure. Still, I hope to use what I have learned and turn the shit and shine parts of my polymory journey into someone else's benefit. I wrote a thread about it here if you care to add your two cents.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=107677

I've kept my head down and my thoughts and process to myself and have cone a long way from where I was and who I was. I spend most of my time alone and if I am too busy I long to get away from people and do all the little things that make me happy. The relationship I have built with myself is strong and healthy.

I have a boyfriend who loves me and we have fun together. He's kind and generous and most of all faithful. I trust him entirely to be loyal to our agreements. I love him from that as its been a huge source of healing. Big, messy, deep within my soul, love is not there however. I keep him at arms length and wait.

I feel as if I'm ready to launch. Like there is a huge light behind all that is in my life as it is right now. I have a routine with my bf that works and has been sustainable. I have been at my job for years now and while I'm good at it, look toward change. My boy is 15 now and in high school doing really well. I am thriving on my own and don't need anyone's help or guidance. Still I feel as if I have huge potentail and purpose that I have yest to find or achieve. Is it waiting until I'm fully ready? Could it be great love again? Could it be great achievement in other ways? I don't know but I'm putting everything I have out there to find out.

One things for sure, I'm not willing or even capable of allowing anyone to stand in the way of my health and happiness now. I'm getting super good at dropping them like a hot stone if I discover they are not worth my time. I am finding that because of that I don't have many people in my life but those around me are golden. The path becomes very clear when it's lined with bright shiney gold. The path is beginning to light up.
 

redpepper

New member
I find myself feeling a crush! Oh my goodness I didn't think it possible for me anymore. Time doe's, in fact, heal! Thing is he's married and DEFINITELY not available. I don't even think he has that spark feeling for me. It doesn't matter though, it's been a crush that comes and goes whenever he comes into my life again over the last year. I know him through my job so now I have the awkward and unfortunate task of not being a blithering idiot around him. I'm tending to lean towards seeing others around me as an opportunity to view myself from the out side of myself and from the point of view of sustaining self love rather than directing the love I feel at others. It's a different feeling! It's about me and turned inward as an enjoyable vibration of warmth and ownership. It's all mine. It doesn't matter to me that he returns any feelings as I'm learning so much about how I am and what creation comes from loving. I'm honestly just thrilled to bits to feel anything after three years of numbness and pain. Of course it would feel really good to notice that he is everything I need AND he's sees me the same way too, but it's not to be. It's made me wonder what will come and how my bf will fit in to these new found feelings.
 

redpepper

New member
Well, here goes again. Lost a post I spent two hours writing. How frustrating.

So there's been a story of lessons since I last wrote. The story of my crush turned to love.

No, we aren't together, he's still with his wife, we didn't create a poly relationship. Nothing much has changed, yet everything has.

Lesson one; integrity is everything to me. It holds up everything and this man has proven that. I've learned that his marriage is possibly abusive and that he wants out yet he stays because he committed with his vows 25 years ago. His kids are at home still even though they are grown and he puts their happiness before his own. He lives with as much independence as he can muster from the situation and that is enough. He hasn't moved closer to me than daily niceties and the occasional glance of desire and wonderment in his eyes about "what if." I've learned that people can and do have integrity. He is a shining example that makes me love him more for it, even though it's taken him away from getting to know me.

Lesson two; there was a time that we became closest to each other to the point that if he wasn't there to carry on our five minute interaction of the day amongst our daily work routine then I was severely triggered. Abandonment, lies, deception, all reeled in my head and the rug underneath me felt ripped away again. I asked him once if he would mind telling me when he wasn't going to be there but he declined. He said that he was only doing what he does with everyone and it wasn't appropriate for him to feel obliged in that way. Afterward he said that I could be rest assured that he would always be back and that he would never be gone for long. It took me months to trust this and I was so grateful one time that he made sure he told me he'd be gone for a couple of months. He didn't have to do that, but he did. Every word and action he has said and done has added up. He never does or says anything that causes me to believe anything otherwise. I am relieved to know that still exists.

Lesson three; an on going lesson. I can love without it being obviously returned in action and words. I can carry love around with me in symbols and reminders and it all be mine. In fact, if I don't do this, there is little to no purpose in going on. I've tried to forget him but somehow he's been tied up in my self love. I send love out and it has nowhere to go. There have been times I am suicidal and hate myself so much that my desperate attempts to send love toward him has fallen short and I get more down. It's only in boomaranging that back to myself that I am sustained and am able to rise up again. Its taken time and practice but I have my rituals and symbols to carry me through. He simply has to be there, and he is, so I can bounce off of him without his knowledge, and return love to myself. It makes me stand tall some days and I notice I am manifesting this more and more.

Lesson four; also an on going lesson. Timing is everything and nothing is within my control or entirely without my input. I have created this world in my head and it continues on as long as I live. He is only a symbol of what I can manifest for myself. Sure, I'd love to discover what we could have together but the larger lesson is that we don't have to. That will be determined in time and when I somehow manifest, when I am ready, this great love to encompass another. I might never. I might carry on in my own world on my own. I have to become okay with that before someone else comes along who can fill the void I feel. This man is a reflection of what I feel. I believe he feels the same and until one of us breaks free of that somehow, we will use each other as a mirror of what we could have in loving ourselves enough to break through and be who we are really capable of being.

Lesson three and four are similar and tied and therefore on going.
 
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redpepper

New member
The man is originally from Bali, where he was raised until he was four. His parents died and he was moved to Canada by his older siblings. He is the youngest of ten children. His parents got married because his mother was under threat of being raped by Japanese soldiers when they raided and occupied Bali during the second world war. Unmarried and childless women were under this threat. His father didn't know him as he immigrated to Canada to work and send money home. When he finished highschool in Canada he became a truck driver who drove produce from Vancouver to Whistler in British Colombia. Eventually he met his wife, a nursing student, got married and moved to my city. His wife has always told him he is stupid. At least that is the story I understand. I wonder if there is some racism there...

Update on things;

My ex husband has remarried under her new name and has moved away to farm her father's farm that was left to her when he died. I raise my son on my own in the house we all once shared. The kid is 16 now and learning to drive. He makes me dinner from meal kits twice a week and we volunteer at a local community kitchen together. He hasn't got a job yet as he is driven by academics but this summer he is hoping to work at a local grocery store, or better yet, a local record store. He's really into music and sports. He has one year left of highschool and then, who knows what!

Mono is nowhere to be found. I think he moved out of the city somewhere. I haven't seen him in years. My coworker saw him recently, so he hasn't gone far. I have my thoughts about what he does with himself, but really I have no idea. As I meant absolutely nothing to him, I try not to think about him at all. What's the point of wasting my energy and thoughts on someone who never held me to any kind of value that was beyond his own need for some kind of acceptance by me and everyone around me. He gave nothing in return so I try not to give anything to him now... even in his absence from my life.

I sometimes can't believe I was living my poly dream... bizarre. It was never anyone else's but my own and it was all built on lies and deception.

My best friend has married also and is about to have a child at age 47! She remains a constant and I am so happy for her! I'm not sure her new wife likes me much so I am wondering what will become of our relationship. I'm hoping she gets to like me... she wears the pants though so, we shall see.

I have spent much time travelling with the boy to Europe on a school trip for the remembrance of D-Day last spring, to Mexico several times, to Quebec to visit my brother and his family. I hope to travel more.

My brother moved to my city with my two year old niece and one year old nephew this year and that has been an adjustment. I'd like to say we spend a lot of time together, and we did, at first, but I require a lot of time alone now and find social situations to be incredibly draining. I have noticed that I need to sleep more and spend large amounts of time working on my shit still. Besides, I don't seem to have the same draw that I used to have. I'm fine with that. Honestly, the world has become entirely overwhelming and far to unpredictable for me in it's current state. Spending time alone and in nature is really all I can do to hang on most of the time. My inner world has become everything. Not entirely healthy at this point and I can't seem to figure out how to get to a place where I feel safe and content with life. I imagine many people feel this way due to our current shit show of a planet.

I am still dating the guy I met five years ago. We see each other at arms length and I am constantly grappling with the mono believe around me that we have to entwine ourselves more than we already are. I don't want marriage, financial merging, living together, I didn't even expect a Valentine's card this past Friday on Valentine's day. I feel quite happy for a bit of companionship uncluttered by our huge differences and getting about my life when I don't see him. He wishes it were otherwise but I am firm that I am not intending to work on anything more than making arrangements to watch Survivor together once a week, having a quick fuck and falling asleep together. Our families see us as quite different but that's on them to come to terms with. It does bother me that essentially I am doing to all of them what Mono did to me and my family (except I'm not cheating), so I try and stay as honest as possible, which is likely confusing to everyone.

So, future goals... continue to stay in my routine and nurture the poly group I facilitate along with the friendships that have developed over the years, more motorbike riding, more art creating, more writing, more money so I can pay to have other people do what needs to be done around my house and property. :p and the devolopment of nurturing and sustainable loving relationships. I'd be happy with one mindblowing connection that is ever lasting and filled with contentment, joy, peace, integrity and wildly fun and connecting sex :rolleyes: no small feat I think.

I sound so boring... I don't write often because really, I am boring. Lol. Aw well. This did me some good and that's all that matters. :)

Add: the man is a Leo with an Aires wife. I'm a Sag. If that means anything to anyone and they care to comment, I'm up for that.
 
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