Redpepper's journey

When I first heard of Mono's cheating, the first time, I admired and was jealous of the cat, Georgia. She would waltz into the room and greet him face to face on the couch where we sat, full of love, while I was tormented by the anguish of the demons I discovered that he knew were there all along. I sat beside them witnessing her love for him as she proceeded to clean his forehead with lick after relentless lick. She washed him clean and I was angry at her for it. She symbolized the woman he had hidden from me, giving to him where I thought it was my place to give. She also represented something I could not do because of my devastation, I couldn’t snuggle up to him and wash away his troubles.

In time, I healed, and trusted again, yet she stopped washing him. I thought it was a symbol of her giving him back to me, of my taking back my position in his life as the woman by his side, who helped him wash away his troubles. Now that I know his whole story, I understand why she stopped. It turns out she stopped washing him because he had new women, more people. He brought them into our home for her to see.

Now she washes my forehead and we snuggle. Together we have an understanding of what it really means to love. Together we know what it means to grieve. She grieved long before I did.
 
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They sense more than we realize at the time. Hugs, RP.

I do find it weird when Patches licks my ear, but I just kinda go with it for a while. I probably just smell bad and she's trying to clean me up. ;)
 
Last night I had the pleasure of being invited to play poker with 6 lesbian friends of my ex-wife/best friend of almost 30 years. I have been once. I learned the rules of Texas Hold 'Em. This time I was a bit more at ease and prepared for a long night of cards, chat, snacks and drinks. I had so much fun. At the end of the night, my queen beat a jack as I took the last chips of the last opponent, winning the game and the pot of $120. I was thrilled on so many levels, and here's why:

First off, I've never won at games, ever, as I am not competitive, and just enjoy the fun of the game, rather than the winning of it. So I was at a bit of a loss as to how to take winning. It was thrilling to FEEL something.

Secondly, I made new friends! Friends with common interests such as watching the UFC fights, gardening and motorbike riding (unlikely combo, :rolleyes:), two of which are lost loves that got kicked out the door when I booted my ex out. (Okay, I have watched UFC a bit with friends who were obviously placating me. :p)

Thirdly, this has made me rethink which team I am playing on with my sexuality. I have a love of women that I haven't been thinking about and after an evening of spending time with women of a like mind, it has made me think that perhaps I have been barking up the wrong tree and need to take a closer look, or at least open that door a little.
..........
So this is entirely not poly-related, but I thought I would celebrate the first movement toward joy in a long time with you all. The abandonment, deception and disrespect of my loyal, generous and kind nature has weighed heavily on me, as I watch everyone get on with their lives, while I sit licking my wounds, unable to move for want of trying. I have felt as if I needed to learn how to walk again.

I just suck it up. I am good at putting on a happy face.

Two of the women Mono had affairs with have moved on to new babies and new marriages recently. Their lives have gone on, while I sit here in my new-found independence and self-reliance, barely keeping my head above the grief and sadness enough to make it through my work week.

I can see I am getting better when I start picking fights with my Chinese boyfriend, who has turned out to be racist and sexist. I'm done with that. I don't expect change out of people like I used to, enough to make me want to stay and keep trying to change them to fit my idea of who people should be. I admit that I thought my Chinese boyfriend would be different.

I am done with apathy and an inability most people seem to have to challenge their fucked-up lines of thinking. When I get too down, the only way back up is anger at the world, and therefore him, in the form of standing my ground about his sexism and manipulation when he says shit like, "What did the lesbians look like?" when I tell him about my fun night playing poker, and, "I hope you don't spend too much of my time," when I tell him about new things I intend to pursue.

Anger has been motivating. Also, new friends and a possible new avenue of adventures with them has been motivating.

It's coming, the new life, which I anticipate and dream of unfolding. It has to. There is no way but up, at this point. Hitting bottom has a way of forcing change.

Change or death are all there is.
 
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Glad to hear things are looking up a bit.
 
I think we all need those connections with people of the same gender and people with similar interests. There is just something that can't replace what happens when a bunch of girls get together. I'm sure it's the same for the guys.
 
Two of the women Mono had affairs with are moving on to new babies and new marriages. Life has gone on while I sit here in my new-found independence and self-reliance, barely keeping my head above the grief and sadness enough to make it through my work week.
RP, there is no standard time frame for getting through grief. You had a double whammy and didn't just lose Mono, you lost PolyNerdist, too. You had counted on both relationships for different things and they both ended. And then you are suddenly living in your house by yourself, surrounded with all the memories of the past years with both of them, and you had to handle most of the parenting of LB alone. Those are not small changes that would be easy to get over!

There's an element of feeling a major shift in who you are when people who were important to you for a long time are no longer part of your life. Anyone would be devastated, numb, or disoriented for a long time after their whole world is turned upside down like yours was. So, be kind to yourself! It sounds like doing more fun things with your new friends would be very healing.

(((((HUGS)))))
 
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Shaking off the yuck with a news update... Whew! :rolleyes:

So I have made the women's group I facilitated for seven years into a permanent fixture. I can run it competently and all the women that come know what to expect. The feedback has largely been that it has been beneficial and successful. I've heard the odd rumour that it hasn't been, but nothing more than that it just didn't suit some women's tastes for a support group. Fair enough. It isn't for everyone.

Now I have been honoured with the task of revamping the local men's group. Well, how does that work? It seems that enough men in the group (who know me and/or the women in my group) have agreed to see if I could get their group going again.

I'm thrilled! I've wanted to get a chance to work with men for a long time. I feel as if my passion is heading in the direction of my education again, in terms of a therapeutic career. I have a ton of experience as a result of my relationship life as a poly person. I think that what I've learned from facilitating groups and the job I've had for almost 20 years will help me be good at this task.

I've been waiting and gathering courage for years now, and was finally offered the chance to take it on. After many years of study and thought I am so ready. I have a plan of how it will be structured. Even though I am a woman I think I can offer as much male-centred space as possible without having too much of a presence in the group. So far, I have restructured their FB group. Next, we'll have a meet up. After that, I am hoping that the template I offer can be changed and utilized so that eventually the men in the group can take it over again.

Wish me luck!!! Such exciting times!
 
Hi redpepper,

I don't think anything Mono does is your fault ... even if he hurts more people. Those are his actions, his choices, and maybe he's a polished liar, but that's not your fault either.

I don't know what secret you're keeping for him, but I hope you'll at least reveal it to your therapist. Then you can get some counsel on what to do with it.

I hope you get some emotional relief.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Sorry, I cross-posted with your other post.

Congrats on your work and the opportunities with the women's and men's groups. I wish you all the best and think you'll do fine.
 
It was quite a looooong winter. It lasted forever around these parts. Cold, rainy and grey. Now it's spring and new life has come.

Things have been going well, for the most part. Three meet ups into the men's group and I find myself with no idea of how it's going. Men show up, they seem to get something out of it and I am satisfied each time I reflect on the event. I get little to no feedback. I get none from the women's group either though, and yet the women come each month. It's been a great experience. I think I'm good at it and making a difference. Recently, some of the women told me they think I am a good facilitator, have a way about me that puts them at ease, and that I ask questions and say things that make them think and move forward in their lives. I was glad to hear that and felt proud of myself. It's all I needed and wanted.

Unfortunately, I think it's set my place in my local community as someone outside of it. I 've had no interest from anyone to be my friend, let alone been asked out. Maybe I am unapproachable or not interesting or... I don't know. I'm not free anyway, but it makes me sad and feel like I'm past my prime.

My boy, LB, turns 14 in two weeks. Can you believe it?! He was 5 when I first started writing here. Now he has dating prospects of his own and I am proud of his approach and respect toward the girls he is interested in. He is frustrated at the level of communication and how low it is... ghosting and childish uncertainty confuses him. He's always been mature for his age and stage, however. He says his friends' families are "normal" and ours is "weird" with his transwoman parent and his ex-lesbian mother and his poly upbringing. I have pointed out that what he values grew out of his "weird" upbringing and that while he may not feel he entirely fits in, someone is out there that will match what he values in no-game-playing honest communication.

The ex, Mono, and all the changes that have taken place are still frequent thoughts as I move through my days, but I no longer have a visceral and emotional response. Occasionally, I come across a memory I haven't had yet, like the time there was a lipstick kiss on the front door of the suite he lived in with me. I knocked at that door the other day, to ask my tenant if I could come in with a man from the appliance company to look at his stove, and it hit me like a slap to the face. Why was that kiss there? I remember Mono stumbling over his words and my confusion. He had said it was probably a friend teasing him when they'd come there when he wasn't home. I was set back for as much time as it took me to find a way to avoid the memory, until I can find some time to be alone with it and allow it to surface.

The pain and trauma are still really hard, yet I have found ways to cope, thanks to therapy and hard work.

Plans this summer include a trip to Montreal and Quebec City to visit where I went to university, and see my niece and brother. I have a friend from the UK coming over, from this very forum, whom I met up with last summer on my epic RV adventure around the UK. He has been a rock to me, for which I have been so grateful. I look forward to showing him and his son around. I have some other trips coming up too, that include driving to Oregon with my ex-wife/best friend to see the solar eclipse at another forum friend's house. I hope that one of our mutual friends will be able to make it to that one also.

My relationship with the man I met two months after my life changed is going well. We have settled into a comfortable routine and he has proven to be healing and grounding to me. So many people have come together to ground me and be rocks for me. I have been very lucky.
 
I had a vivid dream. I dreamt that Mono was feeling all nostalgic and wanted to know how my boy was doing, so he reached out. Freaked the shit out of me!

Last night I remembered a detail. I have nowhere else to put these details, so I'll start writing them here.

One time, we were out in the back garden. I was watering and Mono was putting the extension cord for the mower away. I looked up to his door, which backs onto the garden, but is separated by some stairs and flowerbeds. A woman in her late 20s ran out, clutching her stuff. I yelled out for her to stop and she stopped at the corner of the house, with her head down. I approached to ask her what she'd been doing there. She said she was escaping from her boyfriend who lived down the street. She said she saw the open door and had gone inside to hide, but realized that she couldn't stay there and decided to leave again.

I asked if I could help and held her in my arms while she sobbed uncontrollably. She said she was fine, that she had to go now and apologized over and over again. I told her it was okay and that she could come and knock on the door, if she wanted to, and I'd do what I could to help. I didn't see her again.

Mono never came over from the yard. He watched from a distance while he wound the cord up. I wondered why, as it was his apartment she'd come from. I told him what had happened and he blew it off. He didn't react at all and just went about what he was doing. I checked over the apartment as best I could and suggested he did too, but he said he wasn't bothered.

I thought about that all night... What was that about???!!!! It's one of many stories that rattle around in my head.

I am so grateful for my honest and uncomplicated life.
 
I would like to apologize to everyone involved in my life from 2009-2015 for the needless drama that was caused.

I have a specific person in mind when I write this today. The woman Mono was supposedly seeing on Mondays at lunchtime, as his attempt at poly, when we had agreed to be exclusive, was one of many he saw in a week or even a day. I focused on her, as she was the only one I knew of.

She'd been a friend for several years. She went to the women's group I facilitated and I went with her to Vegas for our friend's wedding. She was cautious about Mono and said she was in no rush and was definitely not interested in anything, if he and I were exclusive for the time being, in order to work on our relationship. I told her I was not comfortable at the time, and yet, true to how it usually works out, they did not stop seeing each other. At least, that's what I was told. I have written about her here, if you look back to 2013-14.

Now I believe that he was telling me he was seeing her and other friends in order to gain some time. He was not going to work when I thought he was. Now I believe he wasn't seeing the people he said he was.

I saw this particular woman on the bus one day when I was with Mono. She sat down and chatted with us. She could see clearly that I was not happy and she looked confused about that. Mono tried to include me in the conversation, but I looked out the window and wouldn't engage. I couldn't. I physically could not. I remember her confusion at my response to her as we got off the bus. But now I wonder if he was seeing her at all.

Shortly after that, I lost this mutual friend, as she and Mono ended up texting each other after a party, where he passed out with his phone wide open. I clearly saw his messages to her. They had been flirting all night and ended up in a bathroom together. She apologized, and so did he, but she cut our friendship and blocked me. Both of them did. I think about that often and wonder what happened there.

I would like to apologize for that drama and confusion. I played a part, in that I didn't understand at the time and it was likely a part that was lied about as much as he likely lied about them. I don't know the truth, but I'm sorry. I miss those friends, especially the one whose wedding I went to in Vegas. I reached out to her a few months ago, without expectations, and told her I'd appreciated her friendship for many years, but she never wrote back.
 
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Hey Red, sorry you're hurting. My guess is she's either got a different phone number or she's forced to side with Mono. Don't worry about it. That chapter of your life is over, if you wish. There's no need to revisit it, except in dreams, which you can't control. Find yourself some new friends worthy of the new you.

Good luck. You know this forum will always be here for you, anonymously, if you need it. I've learnt a lot from your journeys.

Thank you,
Shaya
 
Hey, Red. Sorry you're hurting. My guess is she's either got a different phone number or she's forced to side with Mono. Don't worry about it. That chapter of your life is over, if you wish. There's mo need to revisit it, except in dreams, which you can't control. Find yourself some new friends worthy of the new you.

Good luck. You know this forum will always be here for you, anonymously, if you need it. I've learnt a lot from your journeys. Thank you, Shaya
Thanks, Shaya. I have indeed moved on. Every now and then, as if by some underlying force, I am compelled to revisit and go over it again. So it is with trauma. I allow that to happen and each time the result has been to take me further away from the trauma. I figure that is healthy for me.

Because I have been to tons of therapy and the therapists all said, "write a blog," I figure I will write it all here where the story first began. Eventually I will have nothing left to say and can at least read back and find the memory.
 
Hey All,

In the last year I've spent my time facilitating relationship groups for men and women and became a member of another group aimed at supporting people who have experienced unpleasantness from members of the polyamory (and overlapping) communities, in one way or another. We haven't got off the ground yet, in terms of being actively supportive, as it turns out there are many layers to unravel around legalities and agreeing on approach and procedure. Still, I hope to use what I have learned and turn the shit and shine parts of my polyamory journey into someone else's benefit. I wrote a thread about it here, if you care to add your two cents.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=107677

I've kept my head down and my thoughts and process to myself and have come a long way from where I was and who I was. I spend most of my time alone and if I am too busy I long to get away from people and do all the little things that make me happy. The relationship I have built with myself is strong and healthy.

I have a boyfriend who loves me and we have fun together. He's kind and generous, and most of all, faithful. I trust him entirely to be loyal to our agreements. I love him for that, as it's been a huge source of healing. Big, messy, deep within my soul love is not there, however. I keep him at arm's length and wait.

I feel as if I'm ready to launch, like there is a huge light behind everything that is in my life, as it is, right now. I have a routine with my bf that works and has been sustainable. I have been at my job for years now, and while I'm good at it, I am looking toward change. My boy is 15 now and in high school, doing really well. I am thriving on my own and don't need anyone's help or guidance. Still, I feel as if I have huge potential and purpose that I have yet to find or achieve. Is it waiting until I'm fully ready? Could it be great love again? Could it be great achievement in other ways? I don't know, but I'm putting everything I have out there to find out.

One thing's for sure, I'm not willing or even capable of allowing anyone to stand in the way of my health and happiness now. I'm getting super good at dropping them like a hot stone if I discover they are not worth my time. Because of that, I don't have many people in my life, but those around me are golden. The path becomes very clear when it's lined with bright shiny gold. The path is beginning to light up.
 
I find myself feeling a crush! Oh my goodness, I didn't think it was possible for me anymore. Time does, in fact, heal! The thing is, he's married and DEFINITELY not available. I don't even think he has that spark feeling for me. It doesn't matter though, it's been a crush that comes and goes whenever he's come into my life again, over the last year. I know him through my job, so now I have the awkward and unfortunate task of not acting like a blithering idiot around him.

I'm tending to lean towards seeing others around me as an opportunity to view myself from the outside, and from the point of view of sustaining self-love, rather than directing the love I feel at others. It's a different feeling! It's about me and it's turned inward as an enjoyable vibration of warmth and ownership. It's all mine. It doesn't matter to me if he returns my feelings, as I'm learning so much about how I am and what creation comes from loving. I'm honestly just thrilled to bits to feel anything, after three years of numbness and pain. Of course, it would feel really good to notice that he was everything I needed, AND he saw me the same way too, but it's not to be. It's made me wonder what will come of it, and how my bf will fit into these new-found feelings.
 
Well, here goes again. Lost a post I spent two hours writing. How frustrating.

There's been a story of lessons since I last wrote, the story of my crush that has turned into love. No, we aren't together. He's still with his wife. We didn't create a poly relationship. Nothing much has changed, yet everything has.

Lesson one: integrity is everything to me. It holds up everything, and this man has proven that. I've learned that his marriage is possibly abusive and that he wants out, yet he stays because he committed to his vows 25 years ago. His kids are at home still, even though they are grown, and he puts their happiness before his own. He lives with as much independence as he can muster in the situation, and that is enough. He hasn't moved closer to me than daily niceties and the occasional glances of desire and wonderment in his eyes about "what if." I've learned that people can and do have integrity. He is a shining example of that, and it makes me love him more, even though it keeps him from getting to know me better.

Lesson two: there was a time when we became so close to each other, that if he weren't there to carry out our five-minute interaction in our daily work routine, I would be severely triggered. Abandonment, lies and deception all reeled in my head and the rug underneath me felt ripped away again. I asked him once if he would mind telling me when he wasn't going to be there, but he declined. He said that he was only doing what he does with everyone and it wasn't appropriate for him to feel obliged in that way. Later, he said I could rest assured that he would always be back, that he would never be gone for long. It took me months to trust this.

I was very grateful one time when he made sure to tell me he'd be gone for a couple of months. He didn't have to do that, but he did. Every word he's said and every action he's done have added up. He never does or says anything that causes me to believe anything otherwise. I am relieved to know that quality still exists.

Lesson three is ongoing. I can love without it being obviously returned in action and words. I can carry love around with me in symbols and reminders and have it all be mine. In fact, if I don't do this, there is little to no purpose in going on. I've tried to forget him, but somehow he's been tied up in my self-love. I send love out and it has nowhere to go. There have been times I've been suicidal and hated myself so much that my desperate attempts to send love toward him have fallen short and I've gotten more down. It's only in boomeranging that back to myself that I am sustained and able to rise up again. It's taken time and practice, but I have my rituals and symbols to carry me through. He simply has to be there, and he is, so I can bounce off him without his knowledge, and return love to myself. It makes me stand tall some days. I notice I am manifesting this more and more.

Lesson four is also ongoing. Timing is everything. Nothing is within my control or entirely without my input. I have created this world in my head and it will continue on as long as I live. He is only a symbol of what I can manifest for myself. Sure, I'd love to discover what we could have together, but the larger lesson is that we don't have to. That will be determined in time and when I somehow manifest, when I am ready, this great love to encompass another.

I might never. I might carry on in my own world on my own. I have to become okay with that, before someone else comes along who can fill the void I feel. This man is a reflection of what I feel. I believe he feels the same, but until one of us breaks free of that, somehow, we will use each other as a mirror of what we could have in loving ourselves enough to break through and be who we are really capable of being.

Lesson three and four are similar and tied together and therefore ongoing.
 
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The man is originally from Bali, where he was raised until he was four. His parents died and he was moved to Canada by his older siblings. He is the youngest of ten children. His parents got married because his mother was under threat of being raped by Japanese soldiers when they raided and occupied Bali during the Second World War. Unmarried and childless women were under this threat. His father didn't know him, as he immigrated to Canada to work and send money home.

When he finished high school in Canada he became a truck driver who drove produce from Vancouver to Whistler in British Colombia. Eventually he met his wife, a nursing student, got married and moved to my city. His wife has always told him he is stupid, at least, that is the story as I understand it. I wonder if there is some racism there.

Updates on things:

My ex PN has remarried under her new name and has moved away to work on her father's farm that was left to her when he died. I raise my son on my own in the house we all once shared. The kid is 16 now and learning to drive. He makes me dinner from meal kits twice a week and we volunteer at a local community kitchen together. He hasn't gotten a job yet, as he is driven by academics, but this summer he is hoping to work at a local grocery store, or better yet, a local record store. He's really into music and sports. He has one year left of high school and then, who knows what?

Mono is nowhere to be found. I think he moved out of my city. I haven't seen him in years. My coworker saw him recently, so he hasn't gone far. I have my thoughts about what he does with himself, but really, I have no idea. As I meant absolutely nothing to him, I try not to think about him at all. What's the point of wasting my energy and thoughts on someone who never held me to any kind of value that was beyond his own need for some kind of acceptance by me and everyone around me? He gave nothing in return, so I try not to give anything to him now, even in his absence from my life.

I sometimes can't believe I was living my poly dream... bizarre. It was never anyone else's but my own, and it was all built on lies and deception.

My best friend has gotten married, and is about to have a child at age 47! She remains a constant and I am so happy for her! I'm not sure her new wife likes me much, so I am wondering what will become of our relationship. I hope she'll start to like me. She "wears the pants" in their relationship, though, so we shall see.

I have spent much time travelling with the boy: to Europe on a school trip for the remembrance of D-Day last spring, to Mexico several times, to Quebec to visit my brother and his family. I hope to travel more.

My brother moved to my city with my two-year old niece and one-year old nephew this year, and that has been an adjustment. I'd like to say we spend a lot of time together, and we did, at first. But I require a lot of time alone now and find social situations to be incredibly draining. I need to sleep a lot and I spend large amounts of time working on my shit.

I don't seem to have the same draw I used to have. I'm fine with that. Honestly, the world has become entirely overwhelming and far too unpredictable for me in its current state. Spending time alone and in nature is really all I can do to hang on, most of the time. My inner world has become everything. I'm not entirely healthy, at this point. I can't seem to figure out how to get to a place where I feel safe and content with life. I imagine many people feel this way, due to our current shit-show of a planet.

I am still dating the guy I met five years ago. We see each other at arm's length and I am constantly grappling with the mono belief around me that we have to entwine ourselves more than we already are. I don't want marriage, financial merging, living together. I didn't even expect a Valentine's card this past Friday. I feel quite happy for a bit of companionship, uncluttered by our huge differences. I get about my life when I don't see him. He wishes it were otherwise, but I am firm that I am not intending to work on anything more than making arrangements to watch Survivor together once a week, have a quick fuck and fall asleep together. Our families see us as quite different, but that's on them to come to terms with. It does bother me that essentially I am doing to all of them what Mono did to me and my family (except I'm not cheating), so I try and stay as honest as possible, which is likely confusing to everyone.

So, future goals... continue to stay in my routine and nurture the poly group I facilitate, along with the friendships that have developed over the years, more motorbike riding, more art creating, more writing, more money so I can pay to have other people do what needs to be done around my house and property, and the development of nurturing, sustainable, loving relationships. I'd be happy with one mind-blowing connection that is everlasting and filled with contentment, joy, peace, integrity and wildly fun and connecting sex. :rolleyes: That would be no small feat.

I sound so boring. I don't write often because really, I am boring. Lol. Aw well. This did me some good, and that's all that matters. :)

The man is a Leo and his wife is an Aries. I'm a Sag. If that means anything to anyone, and they care to comment, I'm up for that.
 
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