Redpepper's journey

[redpepper]

coming out.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=721

Above is to the link of my coming out to my parents...

I have been out to them for a year now and wanted to give an update... It's my mum's birthday this Friday the 13th and it marks the days before we were forced to come out last year as they were in belief the Mono was abusing my boy.

The rest to come in an update in the next days.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

It's my mum's birthday this Friday ...bridge the gap created....and we succeeded :)

 

[Morningglory629]

Inspiration to keep going

You have been on this particular journey as long as I have been on mine (maybe a month or two more). I was brought to this forum at the urging of 2Rings and later Kattails. They had been following your journey a bit longer. Right away I felt welcomed and inspired by you and Nerdist and Mono...then Derby and Roly- not to mention Ari and LovingRadiance and Maca and GG. At first I thought this concept is insane. These people have lost their minds. But the more I read and posted, the more connections I made the happier I felt in my life and my choice to pursue this poly lifestyle. I have made some very dear friends who understand me in ways I never thought plausible. I don't feel so isolated.I don't feel so guilty. Redpepper, I am so glad you put this all out there because without these glimpses into your life, I would feel very uneasy and lost in mine. You give me hope, and you have showed now that it is not all roses and free love. That it is hard work...continuous hardwork. But also that the payoff is a tremendous feeling of ecstasy of spirit and perfection of life. You don't make it seem easy... but you do make it seem possible. Keep blogging the good and the bad. You give us great inspiration.

 

[redpepper]

Mono and Nerdist have been talking via email and I am grateful to here that Nerdist doesn't have a hate on for Mono... I think he really didn't realize the depth of what we have and how I am in the middle of them and pulled. Even though I talk about it, he didn't empathize entirely with what I have been saying.

When I leave the house to go to Mono he just fills his time up. I go to a different life. Mono described it as Nerdist and I's house being a city and his place being a town/suburb... one can travel back and forth and both rely on each other. I said to him after that this was not true entirely. Mono is a town, and Nerdist is town. I travel between the two... I am a traveler wanting to settle down. I don't see it in terms of houses, but in terms of people. My time and energy is divided... sigh.... I don't know how many times I have to say it. But I will keep saying it. That won't change... only I can.

 

[redpepper]

thanks for your post MG, nope, it is no bed of roses all the time... we have had many strained moments. That is what it is all about though... or I wouldn't do it. I tell you, there are definitely days when I just want to throw my hands up and leave it all behind... I have done that before several times in my life, but this is worth keeping healthy and safe.

 

[Morningglory629]

thanks for your post MG, nope, it is no bed of roses all the time... we have had many strained moments. That is what it is all about though... or I wouldn't do it. I tell you, there are definitely days when I just want to throw my hands up and leave it all behind... I have done that before several times in my life, but this is worth keeping healthy and safe.

i know that feeling. heartbreak/frustration/exasperation. it is worth it and in the end all the troubles seem silly once you reach that happiness again. love ain't for the faint of heart!

 

[Breathesgirl]

Redpepper, I just had a thought. Have you been taking time for YOU through this whole process? PN & Mono are both huge parts of your life but YOU are your life! Have you taken time to do your own grieving in the loss of Roly?

It sounds a bit like you are trying to be there for everyone else and not taking the time to be there for yourself.

I know you said something about renting a room from your tertiary so it could be your studio and a safe haven for you. This would be wonderful but in the meantime is there no way you could maybe take a walk in the park by yourself or take a long bubble bath, a spa day, something so you can reconnect with the inner you, the you that makes you who you really are. (NO, travelling time from PN to mono, to work, etc. does NOT count as 'you' time.)

I'm the type that needs that 'me' time on a regular basis or my whole world will quickly turn upside down. Those few hours once a week are part of what keeps me sane in an insane world.

 

[idealist]

I travel between the two... I am a traveler wanting to settle down. I don't see it in terms of houses, but in terms of people. My time and energy is divided... sigh.... I don't know how many times I have to say it. But I will keep saying it. That won't change... only I can.

This is my life too......going from town to town. The one difference is that I have never co-habitated with any of my lovers. So- for me, it's normal. I have never expected anything more and I've gotten used to it. I like having several towns to visit- going back and forth. I do have my own place, however and I live here alone, so I have settled down too. I think I understand how it would feel to not be settled down, but I'm not sure.

 

[redpepper]

I think you might understand idealist. I am feeling like you, but don't have a home of my own to be in.

Since I've had a child I have felt like my room with PN (like that better than Nerdist, thanks breathes ) isn't mine. I spent tons of time with the baby and he had the bed and room to himself. Now I am at Mono's two nights a week I feel like our room is even less mine.

I have never enjoyed sharing a room. We never planned on even living together when we married even, it just kind of happened. Now I feel like there is no space for just me. If and when Mono lives in the basement suite I would have a room there. Its a two bedroom apartment and we would open up the whole house again with an indoor door to the place so that I can go up and down the stairs. This idea causes some problems for PN because it would be like I would be living with Mono. He is worried that he and I would lose our connection.

You're right Breathes, I do need time for myself. I take it in little bits, but I don't really have anywhere to go. It feels rather pathetic actually. I was hoping my tersiary would let me vacation in the room at his house for a day or two next week, but I haven't heard from him. That isn't uncommon and his world IS turned up side down, I don't want to push.

I think I might plan a trip to visit my ex in Utah. I haven't been there yet and it means I get to go to Vegas. Never been anywhere along the west coast of the states, it could be just what I need. A break is sometimes as good as a break.

 

[Breathesgirl]

I think you might understand idealist. I am feeling like you, but don't have a home of my own to be in.

Since I've had a child I have felt like my room with PN (like that better than Nerdist, thanks breathes ) isn't mine. I spent tons of time with the baby and he had the bed and room to himself. Now I am at Mono's two nights a week I feel like our room is even less mine.

I have never enjoyed sharing a room. We never planned on even living together when we married even, it just kind of happened. Now I feel like there is no space for just me. If and when Mono lives in the basement suite I would have a room there. Its a two bedroom apartment and we would open up the whole house again with a. Indoor door to the place so that I can go up and down the stairs. This idea causes some problems for PN because it would be like I would be living with Mono. He is worried that he and I would lose our connection.
You're right breathes, I do need time for myself. I take it in little bits, but I don't really have anywhere to go. It feels rather pathetic actually. I was hoping my tersiary would let me vacation in the room at his house for a day or two next week, but I haven't heard from him. That isn't uncommon and his world IS turned up side down, I don't want to push.

I think I might plan a trip to visit my ex in Utah. I haven't been there yet and it means I get to go to Vegas. Never been anywhere along the west coast of the states, it could be just what I need. A break is sometimes as good as a break.

You're quite welcome although I won't take the credit, others have been calling Poly Nerdist PN from the beginning of this thread so I just followed suit .

Why not check into bed & breakfasts in your area? Go to one for a day & night or a weekend and just be?

Sometimes absence is good for the soul AND the relationship .

Right now it sounds like RP needs to take care of RP.

We have the same problem here with space or the lack of. It's a two bedroom apartment with one belonging to the kids & one to Breathes & myself. I don't have a place where I can go and just be without kicking someone out of a room somewhere along the way although they all know that if I'm in the bedroom alone & the door is closed it had better be life or death in order to enter, lol, & even then they had better knock!

I discovered, as a teen, that writing can be very cathartic. I'm glad you've discovered it . It helps me, and probably others, to see that you (& the others in your life) are human too. You always have such good advice to give to those of us who ask questions so it's nice to give the support back once in a while.

I've found that on these forums, & online in general, it's easy to put others we talk with on a daily basis, or nearly so, on a pedestal because we don't see them in their day to day lives. We don't see, or hear, about the problems because we are reluctant to sound whiny (not that you are, it's how I perceive writing about my problems online) and not in control of our situation. We see the others as perfect, in that oh-so-wonderfully-perfect relationship, in our ideal relationship.

You get that time to yourself and I'll bet things will start looking rosy again and the solution to the current problem will present itself and you'll all be hitting your foreheads in astonishment that it was really such a simple solution in the end.

 

[redpepper]

You're quite welcome although I won't take the credit, others have been calling Poly Nerdist PN from the beginning of this thread so I just followed suit .

You know I hadn't noticed til you said that, but its true, others have called him PN too! I guess I took it as it's better name for him now when I saw another person calling him that.

You get that time to yourself and I'll bet things will start looking rosy again and the solution to the current problem will present itself and you'll all be hitting your foreheads in astonishment that it was really such a simple solution in the end.

yes, I am aware of this and know it... thanks for pointing it out... I really just need some time and need to connect with PN again and the rest will fall into place.

We had a blow out again yesterday, this time with Mono present and on the way to my mum's birthday party. It seems that PN has not heard what I have been saying... the same as I have written on here, even though I have said it a million times for months... he seems to think that our connection has been diminishing for years; at least two (since I met Mono actually). Perhaps it has? For me is hasn't, for me it has changed and gone in a different direction, but not diminished.

PN wants to have that old NRE feeling that we had at the beginning of our relationship... before we got married. I just don't think that is realistic. We are 12 years in and that only comes at the beginning of relationships. We have had glimpses of similar NRE feelings along the way, as we did at a wedding a month or so back, but not entirely the way it was.

It seems that there is a need to do MORE than we have been doing for him. We can't seem to accomplish the half hour a day thing, let alone more. I keep saying that we need to at least do that, but he wants more than that. Why can't we take a baby step!? Why jump in the deep end when we can't seem to wade in the shallow and be okay?!

I agreed to work more on our connection and so did he. Mono wants us to commit to doing something like a class together, but I think that is a bit much at this point. NP wants to do more fun things and it kind of pisses me off that I arrange fun things all the time and he either doesn't want to go, or it isn't quite what he wants to do and when or he is too down or in his head to think it's important to do them.... I'll tell you, as soon as this slides again, I am so going to be reminding him that he committed to re-connecting!

This is not the first time we have had this issue... I don't know how we will fair up with this. He wants to add to his plate going to visit his dad more often in his home town. This will add to our lives and will mean more time apart. I am thinking I will have to give up more of what I fill my life with in order to make this all work. sigh.....

I guess I should of seen all this coming. I have been very busy and filling my life with all kinds of fun. While NP has said he is good and happy for me, he hasn't been obviously and wants to reign me in. I have been fine really. I have never felt so complete and full. I was just starting to find a balance in it all and now I feel forced to follow someone else's agenda. I don't think that is necessarily true, just how I feel. I have never reacted well to being told what to do and this is what this feels like. I am aware that he is hurting and sad and worried about us. Probably if I am more compassionate to his needs it will all be okay. It's coming, I feel it coming, but right now I am holding on to my anger until I am done with it and can readjust. Yes, time and space away from all this will do it.

I had an offer to spend time at someones house while they are away. They read this here thread and offered. Oh I love them for it!

 

[Breathesgirl]

We had a blow out again yesterday, this time with Mono present and on the way to my mum's birthday party. It seems that PN has not heard what I have been saying... the same as I have written on here, even though I have said it a million times for months... he seems to think that our connection has been diminishing for years; at least two (since I met Mono actually). Perhaps it has? For me is hasn't, for me it has changed and gone in a different direction, but not diminished.

Actions speak louder than words. Find something you know he LOVES to do and do it, just the two of you (or three if your son loves it too), something the two of you haven't done in a while.

It seems that there is a need to do MORE than we have been doing for him. We can't seem to accomplish the half hour a day thing, let alone more. I keep saying that we need to at least do that, but he wants more than that. Why can't we take a baby step!? Why jump in the deep end when we can't seem to wade in the shallow and be okay?!

Get HIM to plan something for the two of you. You're both committed to working things out yet, right now, it seems as though you are doing all the compromising, planning, etc. Give him dates and times you are free to do something and let him plan it! He might just surprise you .

I agreed to work more on our connection and so did he. Mono wants us to commit to doing something like a class together, but I think that is a bit much at this point. NP wants to do more fun things and it kind of pisses me off that I arrange fun things all the time and he either doesn't want to go, or it isn't quite what he wants to do and when or he is too down or in his head to think it's important to do them.... I'll tell you, as soon as this slides again, I am so going to be reminding him that he committed to re-connecting!

As you have advised others: right it down! Post it on the fridge or some other place you will both see it every single day!

Sometimes, when things are going well, we take our partners for granted, that they will always be there for & with us. Something like Roly leaving comes along and knocks the wind out of our sails leaving us sitting in the middle of the ocean with no oars or motor to get back to shore. Hand him the oar, remind him however many times he needs to hear it (or see it) that you are there for him come what may, that you love him and your son. I've found that often showing that I love someone speaks much louder than the words, other times it's just the opposite. Maybe he's too lost in his own misery right now to see, and hear, that you love him and are there for him. Once he comes out of his grief enough to see the light at the end of that very long tunnel he will start to clue in again.

This is not the first time we have had this issue... I don't know how we will fair up with this. He wants to add to his plate going to visit his dad more often in his home town. This will add to our lives and will mean more time apart. I am thinking I will have to give up more of what I fill my life with in order to make this all work. sigh.....

This may be just what he needs, to reconnect with his birth family, to feel safe in the first place he ever felt safe. He's built a life with you, your son & Mono, he knows this in his head, but his heart is torn to shreds right now. You know he'll come back to himself when he's ready, it's just the patience part of all of this that is the hardest I'm thinking. Your patience to let him grieve his loss (yours too, really) and to feel sorry for himself.

Probably if I am more compassionate to his needs it will all be okay. It's coming, I feel it coming, but right now I am holding on to my anger until I am done with it and can readjust. Yes, time and space away from all this will do it.

Exactly! The end of this turmoil is coming but in its own time.

I had an offer to spend time at someones house while they are away. They read this here thread and offered. Oh I love them for it!

You're going to take them up on their offer, right?

 

[redpepper]

So it seems that Mono is a hot commodity in every family situation these days. Every event that both NP and my family has he is expected to be there. Ironic seeing as PN and I haven't been doing well and that is largely been because of PN's struggle with Mono.

It seems that PN has decided, or I have been convinced that he is in fact very much a friend of Mono's and that they just don't do friendships as I do. I have asked them to make an effort to get us all together so that I don't have to right now and feel like they actually all want to spend time together. That seems to mean a lot to me right now. I think I have come to the conclusion that if we are not to live together then it can't be me that makes that effort all the time. They have to participate in that also. If we lived together it would be a given and easy, but we don't so effort has to be made and they will have to help.

I was going to write about our coming out and how far we have come, but really its hard to talk about stuff that is working sometimes. I am happy that my family are beginning to come around and that they are beginning to love him. It's hard not to really. He is damned fine...

 

[Derbylicious]

We had a blow out again yesterday, this time with Mono present and on the way to my mum's birthday party. It seems that PN has not heard what I have been saying... the same as I have written on here, even though I have said it a million times for months... he seems to think that our connection has been diminishing for years; at least two (since I met Mono actually). Perhaps it has? For me is hasn't, for me it has changed and gone in a different direction, but not diminished.

PN wants to have that old NRE feeling that we had at the beginning of our relationship... before we got married. I just don't think that is realistic. We are 12 years in and that only comes at the beginning of relationships. We have had glimpses of similar NRE feelings along the way, as we did at a wedding a month or so back, but not entirely the way it was.

It seems that there is a need to do MORE than we have been doing for him. We can't seem to accomplish the half hour a day thing, let alone more. I keep saying that we need to at least do that, but he wants more than that. Why can't we take a baby step!? Why jump in the deep end when we can't seem to wade in the shallow and be okay?!

I have to say that I was feeling that way with my husband not that long ago. It was his work that was leaving me feeling disconnected from him. I wanted what we had before back and I agree with you that NRE isn't something that you can really experience again, hence it being NEW. What I have found has worked to make us feel closer (at least on my end) is that I write him letters filled with all kinds of things that I have memories of. Some of them are memories of happy times and some are things that we've been through together and have been the strength for each other.

I know that PN likes to write. I don't know if suggesting that he write his version of your story for your eyes only might help him find that connection again. Getting muddled down in the day to day living can wear on any relationship and we can forget what we love about each other and why we chose to be together in the first place.

As for the wanting to do fun things, take turns picking what those fun things are with two rules, no complaing about the choice of fun and put an honest effort into participating and enjoying yourself.

I'm far from the relationship expert but I can offer what has worked for me. I'm sorry that things are still rough for you guys. As much as there's work to be done between you, you also need a chance (both of you) to catch your breath and be able to relax. I can see it in your eyes how much this has gotten to you, I imagine that it's no different for PN. Maybe after your movie tonight sit by the ocean for half an hour and just let the sound and smell of the ocean ground you again.

-Derby

 

[redpepper]

thanks Breathes... oh you are so good to me

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said he needs to grieve. I think he does and I think he is getting there. He has come back happy today from visiting his Dad... happy and we have a fridge full of farm veg!

some thoughts...

finding something I know he loves to do is not an option. I don't mean to sound callouse, just that I ALWAYS do that. Every restaurant, movie, date night we have is what he wants. He's picky and things have to be just right for him to "have a good time." I don't very often do what I want to do or go where I want to go when I am with him.

getting him to think about what I like to do is definitely a better option.

The end of the turmoil is coming and he is seeing the light at the end of the tunnel... there is some glimmer that he is cluing in and some movement forward. thanks for pointing that out.

 

[redpepper]

Oh Derby you made me cry, I miss you sweets...

the ocean does wonders for my spirit and is a cleanse for me. I think I will do that...

as for the suggestion of picking fun things to do together? HAHA! yup, no complaints would definitely have to be a rule!

Pshaw to the fact that you aren't a relationship expert! Anyone who is able to survive on 8 weeks a year with their husband and still be okay is amazing to me... I see PN all the time and we suck right now. LOL

 

[MonoVCPHG]

You definitely are the planner, Lilo and you do an awesome job of it We go to a lot of fun things and have great times hanging out. I think that there needs to be more fun things that are just with you and him though. Like the wedding you went to or the dinner you are going to tomorrow. I think PN realy needs to just have fun in an atmosphere with you and him more often. You and I seem to do that lots and I certainly don't have an issue helping you guys arrange that time. I told PN that my happiness and comfortability in this is directly related to the happiness between you two. So of course I have a huge investment in your connection.

Me and Nerdist aren't so different when it comes to seeking out people to socialize with or have group activities. We suck at it. He does better than I do hands down. I'm a natural loner who has always had one really good friend and is happy in that. I don't create social settings..I go to them usually. If it's not there I don't miss it. He doesn't need consistent contact with his friends but does eventually seek them out. So both he and I need to work on some things to take care of you better. We'll keep trying Lilo, we both love you and want to see that beautiful smile

 

[SNeacail]

What Derby said.

He's picky and things have to be just right for him to "have a good time."

Is depression an possibility? I'm a homebody and can find alot of excuses to cancel out of an outing just because I don't feel like going and would rather stay home, but once I go I usually enjoy myself.

 

[redpepper]

Is depression an possibility? I'm a homebody and can find alot of excuses to cancel out of an outing just because I don't feel like going and would rather stay home, but once I go I usually enjoy myself.

yes, depression is definitely a consideration. That and anxiety. I think some counseling and meds are something he should consider. I would go with him sometimes to therapy also, but he has made no attempt to do anything.... I'm not a fan of medication. I would support whatever he does to feel better, but I would help him get off meds as soon as he can if therapy works. I think meds make us compromise rather than do what we really need to do to be happy in life most of the time... just my opinion, I know that others think differently. Still, whatever, if he is happy, I will be supportive.

 

[Derbylicious]

yes, depression is definitely a consideration. That and anxiety. I think some counseling and meds are something he should consider. I would go with him sometimes to therapy also, but he has made no attempt to do anything.... I'm not a fan of medication. I would support whatever he does to feel better, but I would help him get off meds as soon as he can if therapy works. I think meds make us compromise rather than do what we really need to do to be happy in life most of the time... just my opinion, I know that others think differently. Still, whatever, if he is happy, I will be supportive.

Medication to fix things in the short term isn't a bad thing. It gives you the chance to figure out the why of the depression/anxiety and work on it. I don't agree with medication being used as a crutch so that you don't have to work on your issues, but the clear head to work on those issues is definitely a good thing. As a friend said at the women's group, it can be like putting glasses on your brain.

-Derby