Redpepper's journey

[MonoVCPHG]

That and anxiety. I think some counseling and meds are something he should consider. ....I'm not a fan of medication. .

I hope it doesn't come to that...I've been through some heavy shit in my life and found counselling to be excellent. I'm anti meds for all but the most dire of conditions though and think they are severely abused by many people and children. That doesn't mean I am right about anything...but still they concern me a lot.

 

[RGee91]

i simply wish for the best for you all. Your story in the success and happiness thread is what caused me to join this site, and it really inspired me that poly could actually work.

It seems that the light at the end of the tunnel is in view... and it doesn't seem to be a train

I await the day that the conclusion of this chapter in your lives get posted to success and happiness, because im sure it will be. Your love is too strong to wither so suddenly

 

[MonoVCPHG]

Your love is too strong to wither so suddenly

There's one for the books! Thanks my friend, I have a tendency to agree

 

[RGee91]

I hope it doesn't come to that...I've been through some heavy shit in my life and found counselling to be excellent. I'm anti meds for all but the most dire of conditions

i concur. allow the mind time to heal naturally and thru communication. drugging it should be a last resort. drugged decisions often lead to sober regrets...

but alas, if or if not PN starts taking meds or therapy should be his decision, and should be respected as what he feels he needs or doesn't need

 

[Breathesgirl]

thanks Breathes... oh you are so good to me

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said he needs to grieve. I think he does and I think he is getting there. He has come back happy today from visiting his Dad... happy and we have a fridge full of farm veg!

See............a silver lining to his going to his dad's today .

Everything I say is from the heart.

Grief takes many forms. We each grieve differently. It sounds like he takes it all internally & then has to find a way to let it out in a healthy way. He'll get there . So will you & so will Mono.

Patience. So few letters for such a huge word. It's something we are all supposed to have yet it's one of the things in life that is the hardest to attain.

 

[redpepper]

PN has been on this road for quite awhile. Its not just this time. I think at least therapy would do some good.

 

[redpepper]

My tersiary has decided to be in a mono relationship with his girlfriend for the time being while they establish themselves and he goes through his divorce. She is now moving in with him it turns out... I don't know what it will all mean in the end, so I wait. I have known him for years and he has come in and out of my life. I don't think this will mean the end for us. Just a long delay.

I think it's a really good idea to be mono for awhile actually. I think it helps the relationship reach it's maximum potential. It helps build a foundation for the couple I think. It's important to keep talking I think, and seeing if the relationship has primary potential or if it should be mono.

I wrote this on another thread, but as I asked him if I can stay at his house and waited for an answer for quite a few days, I thought I would post this as a means to explain why he can't take me in... his girlfriend and her daughter are moving in.

I don't think it's the best idea as his ex just moved out and their two kids and him need to adjust before moving others in. He thinks that they have all bonded and it will be a good idea. It will help him out financially also.

I'm a bit stunned at the moment, but it follows his way of doing things... I shouldn't be surprised. He has always been a fast mover. It means more work on my part in order to stay in his life, let alone regain the relationship we had. I think at this point I will take a long break. We have done that before and always come back to what we had.... so life goes on.

 

[Mohegan]

PN has been on this road for quite awhile. Its not just this time. I think at least therapy would do some good.

I've dealt with deppression and anxiety since I was 8. I've been through therepy, meds and nothing at all. I'm a big fan of all three and any combination there of, if it is helpful.

I think PN may find some help in therepy, if he's willing to do the work. It's done wonders for me. I tend to seek out a therepist every few years to fine tune things that I've let myself go lax on. I don't know of any permanant fix, but I know my therepists have given me a lot of good tools to use to help deal and cope with things.

I wish you all the best. I hope with time and patience, things heal.

 

[anotherbo]

As someone who has suffered disabling depression on-and-off (mostly on) for my entire life, I'd like to share what I know about my own depression.

When I am deeply depressed, there is really no point trying to do anything about it except relax, wait it out, and look for those moments when I am capable of enjoying anything. Then I try to do something that will boost my energy/mood. It usually has to be something fun, but if it can also be exercise, eating well, or something else inherently good for me, that is a plus.

Personally, I get enormously frustrated when other people in my life try to advance, or even suggest, solutions to me when I'm really down. Though therapy, medication, exercise, lifestyle changes etc. have been helpful to me personally, trying to set something like that in motion while already deeply depressed just drains my energy further.

Most likely, PN's situation is so different from mine, that this information won't be helpful. But its possible that he may be stuck in the same catch-22 I often have been: I'd be so much more active in dealing with my depression, if I wasn't so damn depressed!


Anotherbo

 

[redpepper]

Thank you anotherbo. That is actually very helpful. He has similar traits I think. I have been the one to kick his ass and get him moving again to do something about it. I think sometimes he has been so low that he just needs complete space, as you say, and I either don't give it and kick his ass or get on with my own life and see him later. Hmmmm. Stuff to think about! Maybe there is something not working there for him. Thanks!

 

[redpepper]

I decided to take advantage of the weather and move out to the van for me time. We have a camper van that we don't run anymore as it's become expensive (1976, GMC hard top). I love the thing, it was a wedding present from my parents and NP and I used it a lot, the ex and I have been on some trips in it too. It makes a good bedroom of sorts for now

Mono helped me set it up. He came over especially to do so and we watched the end of "the office" on the tiny black and white tv in there after I made the bed, checked for propane, and moved the camping gear over. We snuggled for a sec and decided to go in before "something" happened.

NP thinks that it's because I don't love him. He thinks our connection is broken for good. He thinks that he has forced me out and its because of the break up whatever it was thingy with roly that I have decided this. It's not. It was the catalyst, but not because of it.

He has asked me to be more loving, more huggy, more sex, more fun times and more NRE... or ORE (old relationship energy) and I can't do that if I am not getting some of my needs met. I can live without Mono downstairs, but I can't live with this lack of space anymore. It is making me feel disconnected and inward as I protect myself and go into my head to have space. I can't put out if I am not receiving...

I feel so selfish.
Who am I to make demands like this?
Has he not given the whole way along?

I don't know, part of me thinks like that and part of me thinks, hey! I have given a lot too. I agreed to her coming and staying with us. I agreed to give them space, I picked him up after his last girlfriend, I am attempting to with this one by making some arrangements to be stronger so I can do that...

why do I feel like crying then?

I came into the house just now and feel worlds better, just from the few minutes I had in the van that was MY OWN!!!! MY OWN SPACE! *weep*

*cling* I'm clinging to this feeling so that I might be grounded and balanced again so I can be strong for my family and my lovers and my friends... and myself.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

I came into the house just now and feel worlds better, just from the few minutes I had in the van that was MY OWN!!!! MY OWN SPACE! *weep*

It was my pleasure to help Lilo. It is quite a cozy space...but nothing was going to happen...I'm way to strong to give in to.........yeah, I'm totally full of shit and would have done whatever my Mistress wanted....I'm weak I tell you....WEEEEEAAAK!

 

[Mohegan]

I want to have something to say to make you feel better, some great words of advice. But all I can do is send a long distance hug and tell you Karma and I are thinking of you. I'm sorry you are going through this. Sometimes a little time to yourself is the best medicine. Especialy when you feel you have no answers and no where to turn.

I'm glad Mono was there for you and I hope you and PN get a chance to catch your breath and work things out.

 

[FormerUnicorn]

Heehee, RP on safari.

On a more serious note, from what I gather you've been holding your needs in check while PN has been busy being emotional about roly, good and bad. You've tried to be there for him and you've been making a superhuman effort to make things work well in your house, but along the way the things you need keep getting shuffled to the side, tucked further and further away from being dealt with.

I think it's completely normal and healthy to desire your own space, especially if the space that is supposed to be yours is not a place where your needs can be met.

Taking this time to acknowledge your own needs will be amazingly good for you, and good for PN too, because if your needs aren't getting met, then you can't be available for him. I hope you can snatch some of the solace you need from your temporary digs.

 

[Derbylicious]

NP thinks that it's because I don't love him. He thinks our connection is broken for good. He thinks that he has forced me out and its because of the break up whatever it was thingy with roly that I have decided this. It's not. It was the catalyst, but not because of it.

He has asked me to be more loving, more huggy, more sex, more fun times and more NRE... or ORE (old relationship energy) and I can't do that if I am not getting some of my needs met. I can live without Mono downstairs, but I can't live with this lack of space anymore. It is making me feel disconnected and inward as I protect myself and go into my head to have space. I can't put out if I am not receiving...

I feel so selfish.
Who am I to make demands like this?
Has he not given the whole way along?

Sounds like a lot to be asking all at once. Seems to me like the place to start is with the fun times together. Once the fun starts happening and you rediscover each other either things will fall back into place or you'll find a new normal. The 2 of you are very much a part of each other's lives and you'll find that new way of being together.

If your needs are being met you're more likely to be able to meet the needs of others. It's like on the plane, put your own oxygen mask on first. If you're not taking care of you, you can't take care of anyone else. I'm glad that you've found yourself your own space. Relationships are give and take, as much as PN is asking of you it's fair for you to ask things of him too. The give and take and push and pull brings people to a middle ground. Listen to your needs and ask for what you need.

 

[redpepper]

thanks Mohegan we all think about each other around here don't we? I certainly think about you guys too and send love your way.

@Formerunicorn et al- The thing I have realized of late is just how long and how much I have shuffled my needs to the side. When I reached into myself to find the energy to offer support, there just was none available.... I have been so used up by denying that I need to take care of myself because he isn't going to, that I had nothing to give... I got desperate.

I thought I didn't love him anymore, but when I look at him and when I think of our goals, it's the faith I have lost, not the love. I lost faith that we could be together the way things are, so I decided to change that and make my life my own... its so easy to fall into that in marriage or a long term committed relationship.

It makes me scared though, because I know I am unconventional and that family and others will have an opinion about that. I'm not so good when it comes to people I love being concerned, and having an opinion about stuff. Gossip and drama drive me crazy at the best of times, especially being the brunt of it, which I usually am.

I would like to think it will all be good for me and the others, so I'm trying it out.

@derby- I like your plane analogy. I think you have told me that before and it really resonates with me, thanks.

 

[sage]

Thanks for your nice comments on my post to "still struggling." It was really nice to come home to that after a hard day at work.

As for your situation I agree with Derby to a point but that seems to be the way it works for women. I know it's a bit of a generalization but I think there is some truth in the old adage:- Woman need to feel loved to want sex and men need sex to feel loved.

 

[redpepper]

on coming out.

So we had a visit from NP's uncle a few weeks back. Until that time all has been quiet on the NP family front. No peep of anyone caring or even knowing that Mono and I are together and that NP knows about it and accepts it. NP's mum has been very welcoming, as has her husband. She divorced NP's dad when NP was a teen and remarried NP's best friends Dad. Very tricky. She said that she wishes this kind of life was an option way back when, because she would of agreed to such an arrangement.

Last winter Mono and I were at a concert and being all lovey and close to one another. At one point I got up to use the bathroom during a break. I stood up, turned around and who should be sitting behind me but NP's cousin. He and his fiance were shocked to say the least...! I said hi and slipped away. When I got to the bathroom I fb texted him and said that NP knew about us and that we considered ourselves poly. He replied before I even got back to my seat that he always knew we were freaks and said it was cool as long as we didn't tell his grandmother (also NP's grandmother). I agreed and smiled sheepishly when I returned to my seat.

So, the uncle comes to visit. He has heard from his sister that we are all good and that she is quite willing to accept this relationship dynamic and he is curious about Mono! They had been chatting on line a bit after he had welcomed Mono to the family and wanted to meet him. I thought it might be a good idea to invite Mono to the family BBQ that his aunt was putting on. As I didn't think anyone knew except her son and NP's immediate family, I thought it would be fine... well it wasn't really and even if I marketed Mono as a friend of the uncle, it still was not flying, so we all thought it best he not go.

BBQ happens and the brash uncle asks "where is Mono! I have been waiting to meet him and they said he was coming! Don't you guys travel in a pack now?!" Geeeeez, the jaws drop! Gandmother looks confused... cousin looks horrified and I just laugh and say, "we shall get together on Saturday, you can meet him then."

After we left that night there was a huge talk about us and what was going on. Cousin fest up about knowing, Mum had her say about not making a fuss, she thought it was a good idea. Auntie had a heart attach, but came around a bit. She objected to our pagan wedding, so this was just more to roll her eyes about and grandmother got concerned.

Grandmother called me one morning on my cell. I was in bed with Mono at the time and didn't recognize the number. She called to see how I was... and check in. Not a word was mentioned, but it made me nervous.... we shall see what happens next. I somehow think we are out of the loop and everyone is taking their stance. We shall see. I did manage to pass along to uncle that it isn't a secret for us. We are open to talking about it or not. We aren't hiding and only stayed silent to respect cousins wish to protect his grandmother... as we agreed that would be wise, we decided to respect that wish. Well, she knows now, so, all secrets are off.

 

[redpepper]

Woman need to feel loved to want sex and men need sex to feel loved.

That is so true it seems! We always said around here, "happy wife, happy life" that has been true in our household.. pathetic as that is

today I am thinking of this quote by Krishnamurti

"learning is movement from moment to moment"

baby steps, that's all it takes to make change.

 

[redpepper]

had my first person visit me in the van tonight...well, derby visited one night early in the spring ....didn't take long for the "me" time to end did it?!

My ex came over at around 9 looking for an ear to bend and a hug to end off her trip. We had tea in the van and chatted about what the hell I'm doing. She thinks I am crazy, as usual. So mono geesh

She also told me about the living situation she has whereby she is living to go to school with friends who are a couple. She has fallen for the woman and had a one night stand with her just before she left. She cheated with her basically. I am not surprised at all as I have seen it coming for months.

We spent a good two hours talking about what she should do... including a poly option, but she has decided that she needs to end it before it starts to protect her friendship relationship. She was surprised I considered it cheating but completely agreed. the situation would indicate that it could be seen as something other than that when they were head long into lusty horniness. She hadn't thought of it and now is going back tomorrow to correct it.

Thanks forums for helping me not blow up at her in my anger and hatred for cheating and affairs... I owe you one. You've taught me patience and tolerance... tonight I was grateful.