Redpepper's journey

[Breathesgirl]

Thanks to both of you.


We talked again on the way to work. I am so close to the surface with this. My emotions overwhelm immediately. Our boy spends the whole time telling us to stop talking. How do I teach him that its important that everyone has a chance to talk bout their needs and sometimes people get upset while having a need to talk? My parents spent my whole childhood trying to belittle my need to talk about needs due to the passion have and feel when I do. Now as an adult I am the same way and am made to stop talking by my son. Talk about reliving a trauma. I keep reminding him that we all need to talk, but he's too young to know more than that I think. I understand he thinks I'm angry and it scares him. I'm scary when angry. There is no doubt about that!

I asked PN if he understood what I have been saying. I feel so unheard. He wanted to know AGAIN what I mean by space. I've been over it and over it. I got him to think about empathizing and what I have been saying. I'm trying to get him to do the leg work. He said he would try to get out of the house once a week, as he hardly ever goes out. I am sorry to say, but I just saw that as an insult at this point. That and false promises. I have been disappointed so often before, I just don't believe it. He's promised that before even. I guess one thing is he got what I have suggested as far as changing our living situation. I told him I would have to rent a bachelor suite if it doesn't change.

Kids do tend to not understand that we can discuss things without arguing/throwing things. This has been a long, hard fought battle with my oldest but he has learned to give himself a time out in order to let his emotions cool off before facing the situation.

Requiring a space of one's own is NOT an unreasonable request! We have a two bedroom apartment & I have no space of my own either. Every space is ours! (except the kids room & that's because I need to napalm it before I'll attempt going in there). I can't even take a bath in peace because there's only one bathroom! Closet space? I use a wardrobe & it's crammed full!

I've chatted with people online who can NOT stand to be alone, they've got to have someone around (or sound like the radio or something) all the time. I can't comprehend this concept, lol. It's foreign to me.

Breathes enjoys his alone time as well but he's always got to have some sort of noise going on, even while sleeping . It took him a few years but he finally! learned to not turn the tv, radio or other noise maker on as soon as he walks in the door unless he wants to closet himself in the bedroom because I can't stand it! I don't know what the problem is with me but I need the peace and quiet (yes, this is a need, not a want), if there's too much noise happening nothing gets my undivided attention and things, or people, suffer because of it.

Do the two of you have a mutual friend, who's in the loop, who understands both you & PN who can perhaps mediate (translate) for you? If there isn't that communication workshop sounds like just what the doctor ordered

This brings to mind the book The Five Love Languages. I haven't read it yet but I've heard some really great things about it. I'm sure you could find it in audio format.

You take care of you & the rest will fall into place because your frustration levels will be so much less .

(((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))

 

[anotherbo]

Maybe I need a good swift kick and wake up call to tell me I'm being selfish? Or maybe I need someone to witness my life and say "you know, you don't seem to ever get space for yourself" acknowledgement of some kind would help at this point as I am feeling guilty about it as much as demanding. Please feel free to challenge me. I'm ready for anything.

A lot of people (including me) have a need for a space of their own. A place to feel safe and comfortable. A place to spend quality time with just yourself when needed.

Wasn't this your quote RP? "You are your own primary."

Sounds like you need some time with the primary that is yourself. Time to relax, get centered, and figure out how to take care of you with all that's going on. And when you need that, but don't have a suitable space, it exacerbates all the other problems.

Anyhow, more *hugs* and hang in there.


Anotherbo

 

[redpepper]

Thanks for the reminder about the five love languages. Both PN and Mono require touch and words of affirmation according to that book. Something I haven't been giving to PN much. Sigh. Maybe that will help.

Wow beathes, you are in a similar situation. How do you manage?!

 

[SNeacail]

Thanks for the reminder about the five love languages. Both PN and Mono require touch and words of affirmation according to that book. Something I haven't been giving to PN much. Sigh. Maybe that will help.

Wow beathes, you are in a similar situation. How do you manage?!

Just listened to that book on the ipod - really good.

Your moving into your van made me think of the Toyota add where the mom is having a "Time Out" in her mini-van. She is watching TV, doing her nails, talking on the cell phone and taking a nap, while the dad is keeping the kids from bugging her. You are enough of a majority in your need for space that they made a national commercial out of it.

 

[Breathesgirl]

lol. I'm lucky in that Breathes & Possibility are gamers & Friday is THEIR night to be together. One son is generally off with friends & the other goes to Youth Group so I get a couple of hours on a Friday night. My commute to work is an hour each way (I use transit), my job isn't mentally challenging so I can let my mind wander & do what it needs to do. In fact work is where the majority of my thinking & problem solving get done.

We occasionally talk about what we would do if we won the lottery & the first two things I would do (three actually) would be to buy/build a house, put in a chef's kitchen and build myself a room! My room would be sound proof & only I would have the key a la Claire Huxtable.

I take my time whenever & wherever I can find it .

 

[redpepper]

HAHAHA! That's awesome! Yes, that's me right there! Thanks that made me feel less crazy for needing this.

 

[redpepper]

Interesting that my love language is acts of service.

 

[Confused]

I really hesitate to reply, feeling like such a newbie but I keep reading this and thinking how I reconnect with my husband when we start to feel unsettled. We've been together 12 years too but I frequently still feel bowled over by love and excitement at being with him.

We have shared a lot of new experiences together over the last 2-3 years (the time when we've been most connected and happy) and I think they add excitement to being together and make it easy to meet each other's needs. I think more in terms of the emotional needs from the book His Needs/Her Needs by Willard Harley than I do in love languages now but they're a similar concept.

I really need a lot of conversation, honesty and openness and a lot of physical affection to feel in love/loved and my husband needs sex, to have fun together and for me to do domestic type things for him. Actually I really need sex too lol.. but thats beside the point because I'm trying to say that its really hard to start to try to meet your partner's needs when yours are going unmet, but its a negative spiral and sometimes you can get it back to a more positive spiral by finding it within you to meet their most important needs whether you feel like it or not for a week or two.

 

[idealist]

Personal Space and Bisexuality

I totally understand about personal space!! I absolutely have to have it.


Years ago.....After dating for 18 months, my female partner and I decided to move in together. We were already in therapy- not because we were having problems, but because we wanted a professional opinion about our relationship.

We did live together for 12 years and had a very functional relationship and one of the advantages we had was a result of something our therapist suggested and we took it seriously.

We each had our own personal space within the house. We had a BR that we shared and we shared a Living Room and Kitchen/eating area, of course. But we also each had a private and personal "sitting room" in the house. The personal spaces were considered sacred and we each gave special attention to turning our individual spaces into something that was special for each of us.

The agreement was that a closed door was considered normal and healthy. An open door did not mean that someone could freely enter, however. But we would invite each other into our spaces, occassionally. When I was in her space, I would consider it a special privilege and would act accordingly. She would do the same in my space.

Therefore, we would make dates and wait to be invited into each other's spaces. It kept things really special for us!

Years later, I purchased a house with John. He has two sons. While planning how we would use the 2,400 square feet, we had agreed that I would have the Living Room/Dining Room combination for my office and sitting room. That would be my personal space.

The doorway from the Front Entrance was open and I was mentioning about how I would be needing a door there. John said that he didn't understand why I needed a door. After numerous conversations, it was obvious that he did not undertand my need for space and I realized I could not live with him. He bought me out and is still living there with his sons.....

I also wanted to say something about bisexuality. If PN is bisexual and without a male partner, that can cause a great deal of discomfort also.

 

[redpepper]

well, he technically has a male partner idealist, but he hasn't been around all summer... I don't get how his relationships work. I would never let something like that slide. He just kind of is doing his own thing and not a part of PN's life. I would be on that and asking what is going on, why haven't you contacted me, when shall we see each other again. I'm definitely learning another side of poly through how he conducts his relationships. I notice quite often people just disappear. I get invested very quickly, I could not be okay with that or do that.

 

[TruckerPete]

well, he technically has a male partner idealist, but he hasn't been around all summer... I don't get how his relationships work. I would never let something like that slide. He just kind of is doing his own thing and not a part of PN's life. I would be on that and asking what is going on, why haven't you contacted me, when shall we see each other again. I'm definitely learning another side of poly through how he conducts his relationships. I notice quite often people just disappear. I get invested very quickly, I could not be okay with that or do that.

Agreed! But to each their own. IF it is working for him, then that is good.

However, you have mentioned that he has a tendency to isolate himself, so perhaps allowing people to disappear is a symptom of this and something to be considered?

Just a thought. I know I crawl into my shell when I most need others. It happens so gradually I don't always see it.

 

[redpepper]

We had a bit of a break through on Friday night. I drove home from work and called PN on the phone (no I wasn't driving and phoning,,, it was hands free! ). I knew he had had a hard week and was struggling with getting his mind wrapped around camping so I called to see if he wanted to talk about it. He ended up staying at home Friday night and coming for breakfast in the morning.

We got into the same old stuff in our conversation about my need for privacy in the form of creating a room just for me. He didn't get it again and it spiraled, as it usually does, into my anger and his defense of that anger.

At one point he asked me if I would see him in the same if I had my own room... would we have the same issues in terms of how we do our finances and how we are when we have arguments. I said that I would not see him in the same way because I would have enough energy to talk things through, rather than blow up. I said that I would guess that a lot of the issues we have out side of the privacy one, would be lessened because my need for space would be met. I told him that I agreed that we needed to have more conversations and more time to talk about things in the spirit of connecting rather than getting by, but I am spent now. I have nothing to give him because I am not getting my basic need for privacy met.

To my astonishment I think he heard me. He had a bit of a moment of silence and then asked me questions about how my life would change in terms of how much I go out and how much time I spend doing other things that are not related to alone time. I don't know how to answer that because I really don't know how things will trickle down. I think it would take at least a year to settle into a new dynamic. It's kind of like starting a new relationship... one with my room. I really don't know how that will go. I know I will have major NRE though!

Now he thinks that I see it as his fault that this has gone on so long. He really didn't know I was asking for this for so long. He had not realized how often I have sucked it up but it hadn't gone away. Now he feels bad and thinks that he is in someway "wrong" and I am "right;" that he is at fault.

I see the issue of my needing my own room (and several situations/issues in my life) as doing a puzzle. He talked of being in a process about it and I agreed. The puzzle is the process... I have been doing this puzzle for a long time. I have been requesting him to help out, but he hasn't heard it. Now he has. I have been asking him to help me put the puzzle together because I can't do it alone. Now he hears me and has sat down at the table to help. We are organizing pieces first in order to make it easier... sometimes tackling one part is easier. This Friday we started with the edges and I think completed that part! Now we have to fill the rest in after we have organized....

completed puzzle? Me with my own room=getting privacy back into my life

getting there... slowly but getting there.

 

[Breathesgirl]

WOOT! Small steps, small steps, will eventually get us to where we need to be.

 

[Fidelia]

That does sound like a breakthrough. Good work.

 

[Mohegan]

Yay for breakthroughs!! Seems the weekend was good for them. Hopefully things move forward for you now. It's hard sometimes, it's not that we as spouses don't want to hear eachother, it's that the other spouse needs to find the right words for us to get it. Karma and I both seem to do that. We think the other just doesn't want to hear us, or meet our needs, when in reality, what is being said just means something different and we need to find the common ground. We use a lot of examples, and a lot of " so I understand you are saying _______. Is that correct?" Something we learned on here, and has been a HUGE help to fixing that problem. Never realized how much went misunderstood until we started doing that.

Good luck! I hope this week is a little easier on all of you.

 

[TruckerPete]

*happy claps*

 

[FormerUnicorn]

RP, this is such a good step in the right direction. I am very happy for you.

 

[redpepper]

thanks for all the encouragement and support it's very helpful...

So, I don't know where we are at this week. We are just sitting pretty until friday I think. We have a big date night PN and I. We have no child for the night and are going to look at our finances!!! woooo hooooo! oh I'm so excited *sarcasm*

I think it's a good idea to do somethings I don't really like doing for the greater good of pleasing my loves and also knowing something about them that I don't really know about. In that way they and I will feel close, and that is a good thing. The pay back is that they should also do things they don't like doing but I do for the same reason.

I don't mean always to do that, but at least enough to know something about what they are interested in and to show some interest in their lives.

this is what I intend to do on friday.... then we get to go for dinner, which is my FAVORITE thing to do!

Ya, I am just waiting right now and hoping that this isn't blow over number 6 (?). The guys are talking and I find that promising... I'm trusting them to come up with something that I can tangibly look forward to. We shall see.

 

[redpepper]

Mono and I had such a good night the other night. I arranged to go over there right after work so that we could spend an entire night. I know he is alone and loves when I am around him for long periods of time... just existing together. We had a lovely evening at the OH (other home) and even though I was ill still, we managed to get a long walk in.

Earlier in the week I went to Derby's for the evening and chatted up a storm... had some good laughs too. I was feeling really crappy and had to leave earlier than I usually do, but it was still good to just sit and hang out... catch up on what has been happening for us after a two week break while we both dealt with family stuff.

I saw my Non-sexual boyfriend (NSB) tonight who I also had some catching up to do with also. I was feeling a bit removed at first as I don't have a lot of energy to give right now, but he let me talk my self through all the stuff that has been going on and I appreciated that he listened through the whole thing, asked questions and offered support. He is such a great guy... he struggles with mental health issues and doesn't get out much, but we are good for one another in a way that is all our own...

I love that we all have the option to make up our own relationship dynamics and let them take the course they are meant to take... no cultural rules, no drama to follow a certain way and all creatively exploring each other for who we are.... love it!

 

[Mohegan]

Ya know, it's not just something you should be doin for him, finances are an important thing to know. When my grandfather died I spent DAYS going over everything with my grandma. Bank accounts, insurance policies, what bills were paid when and out of what account, how much was in savings and what was it's intended use, showing her how to budget to continue living the way she was used to.


She was so lost my heart ached. And she still had full mental capacity, she just never cared to work on finances and was more than happy to let him do it. So when the time came, she had no idea what to do, bill collectors were calling b/c she didn't know what was do when, she was getting ripped off by people who took advantage of her.

I pray you, mono and and PN have many, many years ahead of you, but it is important, no matter how much you don't like them, to know where your finances stand and how to keep them there if something happens.

Honestly, Karma'd be in the same boat. We've made a finance date several times and video games take a greater role.

I just don't want that to happen to any of you.

You sound like you are feeling better and in better spirits. I'm glad to hear it! Glad you got some time out with those who care about you.