Redpepper's journey

[Breathesgirl]

I'm glad you found somewhere to get yourself together. That alone time makes all the difference ESPECIALLY when dealing with difficult situations.

As I told Mono last night on his thread.....sending all of your energy and wish I could be there to give everyone a huge in person hug!

Question: (comment?) When PN falls for someone he falls hard, doesn't he? No advice on this, more a comment than anything else.

 

[redpepper]

Yes, to be loved by my husband is a complete honour. He is a gentle soul with a big heart. Any one who is loved by him has his complete attention and devotion. Its a beautiful thing and I am happy to feel compersion for anyone who he loves. This often means that I am shuffled to the side and that can be hard for me, but his love is such a gift to me and I am glad to have worked so hard to be comfortable with him sharing it.

Unfortunately he struggles to love two at once actively. I know he can love two, but balance and multitasking are a struggle for him at the best of times and he tends to be absorbed in one person or the other. It doesn't always appear so outwardly. He seems to have that down pat, but inside he completely has a one track mind.

 

[anotherbo]

Glad you're getting some alone time RP, even if its measured in minutes.

Anyhow, I mostly just wanted to send more hugs and positive energy.


Anotherbo

 

[redpepper]

Going at the pace of the one who is struggling the most is as frustrating as hell, but I think I have reached a patience spot today. I asked NP if I could take a look at our finances with him.... ahhhhhhh I HATE FINANCES! but I am sucking it up because I think I should know about them and besides, HE LIKES THEM! I'm being a good wife, right? Being good to my man *barf*

Also I asked him if we could plan another workshop together as we did in the spring, with the woman that we got last time. she is a communication expert and I figure that we all need more on that topic, so he is thinking about doing that with me.... something together right???

Mono got frustrated today about the whole thing as I am looking at worst case scenarios in case nothing changes... that would mean moving into a bachelor suite close by. I am hoping that spending time in the van will help NP see that it can be fine my having my own room and space away from being on top of each other. I won't be disappearing from his life and we both can better get our needs met by opening up our house to my using the suite down stairs. We shall see,..... patience RP patience. Again. At the very least I might have a better understanding of the financial burden it would cause if we don't have tenants.

This whole thing kind of reminds me of people opening up their marriages. We never did that as that is where we began, but I imagine that the push and pull feeling is similar in some way? hmmmmm.

 

[bimblynim]

Sorry to hear you guys are in such a difficult place. I'm another who really appriciates others journeys so thanks for sharing. Good luck to you all. there is light at the end of the tunnel, no I don't think its an oncoming train and even if it is, we may as well see what shiney things we can find along the way.

Peace and love

 

[Tonberry]

Sorry if I'm a bit off-topic for a quick question: RP, when you say "NP", you mean PolyNerdist, right? Because it seems to me that should be PN, not NP, so it confuses me a little bit.

 

[Derbylicious]

Sorry if I'm a bit off-topic for a quick question: RP, when you say "NP", you mean PolyNerdist, right? Because it seems to me that should be PN, not NP, so it confuses me a little bit.

I'm guessing it has something to do with typing speed. Plus proof reading something when you know what it's supposed to say sometimes you miss things.

Unless of course redpepper has taken up with some new lover named NP....hmmm do we need to have a chat???

 

[redpepper]

HAHA! sorry, PN, I write sometime from my phone and I guess it prefers NP over PN... I might just call him that to make it easier of myself Nerdistpoly... instead of Polynerdist.

 

[joyfulgirl26]

I kind of see myself like a wild horse; being tethered to a post breaks my spirit, yet to he who needs to ride with me it seems to be a choice of ride with me, or break my spirit and ride on me. The latter I have never known to work for the long haul. Which makes me very fearful of our future.

wow...never heard it put like that, but that's me to a T. just catching up on this thread. ugh, RP, so much of what you're writing and experiencing rings so true to me. i am sorry you are going through this. *hugs*

 

[geminigirl]

I've been thinking about all of you a lot in the last week, RP, and pondering the ups and downs and challenges of family life and relationship changes. It seems to me that all of you are exceptionally courageous in that you've chosen to meet more challenges head on than most. That's probably why I like you.

One thought I had regarding the situation with you and PN is that this might not be directly related to you being poly, but more about how you both expect and require your needs to be met. I can see how overwhelmed PN is feeling, emotionally, and how difficult it is for you to balance your care for him with your desire to look after your own, legitimate needs. My offer still stands for this weekend, btw.. (Now I'm imagining you in your van all cosy, heh.)

 

[Magdlyn]

Ever read A Room of One's Own, by Virginia Woolf?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Room_of_One's_Own

 

[redpepper]

Thanks to both of you.

I don't read really, due to my dyslexia, but I will do some searching and see what its about. thanks M

I haven't given up on the idea of a holiday at your place gemini. I just don't know yet. I'm trying the full van experience first. I was saying to PN this morning that its great to have a break but I require a lifestyle change. It really has nothing to do with Mono although he offers me some respite at the OH and his presence in my life has prolonged the trapped feeling I've had; made it feel less. PN seems to think that it does have something to do with him, but I have been talking about not feeling like I have a space for me for years.

We talked again on the way to work. I am so close to the surface with this. My emotions overwhelm immediately. Our boy spends the whole time telling us to stop talking. How do I teach him that its important that everyone has a chance to talk bout their needs and sometimes people get upset while having a need to talk? My parents spent my whole childhood trying to belittle my need to talk about needs due to the passion have and feel when I do. Now as an adult I am the same way and am made to stop talking by my son. Talk about reliving a trauma. I keep reminding him that we all need to talk, but he's too young to know more than that I think. I understand he thinks I'm angry and it scares him. I'm scary when angry. There is no doubt about that!

I asked PN if he understood what I have been saying. I feel so unheard. He wanted to know AGAIN what I mean by space. I've been over it and over it. I got him to think about empathizing and what I have been saying. I'm trying to get him to do the leg work. He said he would try to get out of the house once a week, as he hardly ever goes out. I am sorry to say, but I just saw that as an insult at this point. That and false promises. I have been disappointed so often before, I just don't believe it. He's promised that before even. I guess one thing is he got what I have suggested as far as changing our living situation. I told him I would have to rent a bachelor suite if it doesn't change.

 

[SNeacail]

I don't read really, due to my dyslexia, but I will do some searching and see what its about. thanks M

Audiobooks for the ipod - audible.com

We talked again on the way to work. I am so close to the surface with this. My emotions overwhelm immediately. Our boy spends the whole time telling us to stop talking. How do I teach him that its important that everyone has a chance to talk bout their needs and sometimes people get upset while having a need to talk? My parents spent my whole childhood trying to belittle my need to talk about needs due to the passion have and feel when I do. Now as an adult I am the same way and am made to stop talking by my son. Talk about reliving a trauma. I keep reminding him that we all need to talk, but he's too young to know more than that I think. I understand he thinks I'm angry and it scares him. I'm scary when angry. There is no doubt about that!

All kids do this. DH and I can still put my 15 year old boy into tears.

I asked PN if he understood what I have been saying. I feel so unheard. He wanted to know AGAIN what I mean by space. I've been over it and over it. I got him to think about empathizing and what I have been saying. I'm trying to get him to do the leg work. He said he would try to get out of the house once a week, as he hardly ever goes out. I am sorry to say, but I just saw that as an insult at this point. That and false promises. I have been disappointed so often before, I just don't believe it. He's promised that before even. I guess one thing is he got what I have suggested as far as changing our living situation. I told him I would have to rent a bachelor suite if it doesn't change.

I think a third party, like a councelor might help here. It doesn't look like PN has any concept of what you are trying to tell him. It may take someone else interpreting to get the point across. Dh and I have been having some of those disconnect issues lately and I'm blown away that he now suddenly gets what I have been trying to tell him for 10 years. I didn't say anything differently, but he finally shifted gears in his brain to the correct page in the dictionary or something. It shouldn't have to take 10 years, I think I left dents in the wall from banging my head against it.

I get my personal space when my dh attends one of his volunteer activities. About every other month he takes the Boy Scouts (including both of my boys) camping for the weekend, so even though I love camping, I stay home all by myself . This summer all of them went to summer camp for a week and I counted the days until they left, it was wonderful. We also have a small house and I just have a small corner in our bedroom for my sewing and a workbench in the garage for crafts and other stuff.

 

[redpepper]

@SNeacail- what have you been asking for for 10 years? Jeezuz I hope things change before then for me. I'm so relieved someone understands though. Its so great you get time to yourself when the scouts are away *jealous/envious*.

I have a bedside table made out of a chest with my alter stuff in it that I haven't taken out since we moved to that house 9 years ago. Last place I had space for an alter. I took it out to do some rituals around child birth and at other times but not since and there is no where perminant to put it. I have part of a closet. ... Um, that's it. My sewing stuff is in storage, my painting supplies at the studio my parents built that I don't feel comfortable using anymore since my trust of them has wavered (they have used it as leverage to get me to do what they want; manipulation. Its complicated. Not to mention my on going fear that if I am not on my best behaviour around them they will try to get my child taken away... You would have to read my coming out thread for that explanation). I have a computer in the kitchen that I occationally joke and put air walls around and say I'm in my bedroom. I outline it with my hands and everyone laughs. I don't laugh.
I know I have so much. I get that, I am lucky to have anything at all in the way of a house etc. Can anyone imagine though being around others every moment of your life? I have created that I know, and I love being with people, but every second is too much. Is it so much to ask to have four walls around me and a door to close sometimes? A place where I can turn around and not have anyone there? A space where I have all my things. Including the posters I have been collecting that sit in a pile on top of the bookshelf in the bedroom that I collected when we were looking for another house?

Maybe I need a good swift kick and wake up call to tell me I'm being selfish? Or maybe I need someone to witness my life and say "you know, you don't seem to ever get space for yourself" acknowledgement of some kind would help at this point as I am feeling guilty about it as much as demanding. Please feel free to challenge me. I'm ready for anything.

 

[Magdlyn]

@SNeacail- what have you been asking for for 10 years? Jeezuz I hope things change before then for me.

Gah, it took me 30 yrs w my ex and he never got it. Finally we just had to split, and now his gf is having the same issues with him that I did (am still, as regards our co-parenting). I KNEW she would, once their NRE wore off. Different SO, same shit.

Is it so much to ask to have four walls around me and a door to close sometimes? A place where I can turn around and not have anyone there? A space where I have all my things.

No, it's not too much to ask at all, it's perfectly reasonable. Think of all the women out there with their sewing or crafts rooms, and men with their "man caves."

 

[redsirenn]

PN seems to think that it does have something to do with him, but I have been talking about not feeling like I have a space for me for years.

I can see how he thinks this has something to do with Mono. It does, kind've. You brought up the downstairs living area with the idea of Mono living down there too. You use Mono's space as respite. It is hard for me to not attach this with you needing your own space when I don't even have emotional involvement in the situation.

We talked again on the way to work. I am so close to the surface with this. My emotions overwhelm immediately. Our boy spends the whole time telling us to stop talking.
I asked PN if he understood what I have been saying. I feel so unheard. He wanted to know AGAIN what I mean by space. I've been over it and over it. I got him to think about empathizing and what I have been saying.

Sometimes talking and talking and talking does more damage than healing... I find I NEED the time to process things, for my brain to heal, to understand what I have said and what more needs to be said with clarity. both for myself and for others. I get the feeling that this might help you all - give some space to let things settle in your heads... even a couple of days that are REALLY to yourself... no PN, no Mono.

I told him I would have to rent a bachelor suite if it doesn't change.

Take a deep breath. This blew up not that long ago. You may have been feeling it for a while, but may I suggest you take some intermediate steps before taking this route. I only say this because this kind of statement can come across as threatening to someone who is feeling like he has been. It puts pressure on the mind and makes things harder for everyone. I, personally, cannot think when under emotional pressure - it makes me feel like I am losing my mind and decisions that are made may be regretted at a later date.

Take a step back and a deep breath.....

 

[redpepper]

Thanks to you both. I can totally are why you would leave M. Why'd it take so long!? Kids? I seem to remember you home schooled. What a shot to the heart that you did all that and now your middle child is struggling. It never ends does it. All this giving to children. We really have little control over how things turn out, even when we give them our all it seems. I don't know how you did it. I just have one and would really struggle being home to home school. Still, if he ever had a hard time at school that isn't solveble I would, for him.

You are right red. Its appearing to be all new. I guess the boiling pot boiled over. I have been taking breaks and not pushing as best I can. More of that I guess.

It started with Mono moving in, but when I sat down to think about the underlying need I have, its space. Really, Mono moving in was a solution to a bigger problem and would of killed two birds with one stone. One bird would be good at this point.

 

[Magdlyn]

Thanks to you both. I can totally are why you would leave M. Why'd it take so long!? Kids?

Partly for the kids. Partly just because I am so damn stubborn and loyal. Leo that I am.

I seem to remember you home schooled. What a shot to the heart that you did all that and now your middle child is struggling.

Well, she was born different. I remember when she was 3 and tantruming so much more than the average kid, I feared she'd end up self medicating when she got older. It's Borderline Personality Disorder. She suffers so much anxiety, it's heartbreaking.

It never ends does it. All this giving to children. We really have little control over how things turn out, even when we give them our all it seems. I don't know how you did it. I just have one and would really struggle being home to home school.

Well, we unschooled, so we werent actually home all that much. We were very engaged in the community, and in various homeschooling groups. All the parents collaborated to facilitate our childrens' education. That was my chosen career and my ex supported the choice fully.

I really enjoyed the experience! I think it was easier to do w 3 kids than it would be with just one, because they often taught each other.

 

[redpepper]

Ah Leo. Just like my mum. Ha! I might call on you for some advice I'm a sag, we get along when we have a project to do (fire energy) but when it comes to her idea of loyalty and mine, her idea of what a woman should do and mine, her idea of everything and mine; we clash big time. Put the fact that she is an old school feminist and gone through the war British style (I should be grateful for all she has done for me in other words) and its a mess. As much as I love her.


BPD, wow. That's hard. I feel for you. I really do with that one.

 

[Magdlyn]

Thanks, RP.