Seeking a Mentor

abnormal

abnormal

Member
I'm newly poly. Well, that's not quite accurate. I have only just discovered that about myself. I'm desperate for a poly mentor.

Want to be one? Contact me. Be prepared for:

Questions Lots of questions, sometimes repeating questions.

Contact on a regular basis with somebody who is currently very insecure.

Attempts to make you a friend and mentor.

The fact that I'm not looking to add or be added to any relationships as a partner, fwb, etc. I'm just here for help.

Think you could do all of that (plus some things I'm sure I missed)? Then, please, I'm begging you, Contact me asap.
 
What level of compensation are you offering for this? You understand that mentoring roles are paid positions in almost all facets of life, right? Here's one professional mentor I know of but I'm sure there are others. https://www.chillpolyamory.com/
 
Evie said:
What level of compensation are you offering for this? You understand that mentoring roles are paid positions in almost all facets of life, right? Here's one professional mentor I know of but I'm sure there are others. https://www.chillpolyamory.com/
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I do know about professionals. I also know I'm poor, so I'm trying to find a mentor this way.
 
abnormal said:
I do know about professionals. I also know I'm poor, so I'm trying to find a mentor this way.
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You'd be better off just to start a thread and ask your questions of the group at large. That way you'd get a range of opinions and ideas. :) Most newbies find that very helpful.

Eventually maybe someone will befriend you and you can chat in DMs, but most of us are very busy with our relationships, jobs, kids, lives, and aren't looking to be someone's life raft, per se.
 
Magdlyn said:
You'd be better off just to start a thread and ask your questions of the group at large. That way you'd get a range of opinions and ideas. :) Most newbies find that very helpful.

Eventually maybe someone will befriend you and you can chat in DMs, but most of us are very busy with our relationships, jobs, kids, lives, and aren't looking to be someone's life raft, per se.
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Good point. I think I've just been triggered by some bad experiences on reddit. There was some gatekeeping and I hoped by finding one good friend/mentor that I'd have somebody to consult with and unload on.

I'm in counseling for an unrelated issue. I came out to my therapist, but I felt like she can't understand it.

I don't know any other poly people to turn to. I got the suggestion to come here.
 
abnormal said:
Good point. I think I've just been triggered by some bad experiences on reddit. There was some gatekeeping and I hoped by finding one good friend/mentor that I'd have somebody to consult with and unload on.

I'm in counseling for an unrelated issue. I came out to my therapist, but I felt like she can't understand it.

I don't know any other poly people to turn to. I got the suggestion to come here.
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We are often told we are a much better, kinder, more mature place for poly advice than the reddits. Feel free to start a thread and ask any questions you may have.
 
That's what I've heard, that you're less likely to hurt me. As I said, while I've been doing poly things for several years, I only recently realized I was poly (although it seems everyone but me knew lol). I am looking for any port in the storm right now.
 
Here's the forum to start with for asking questions, although there can be blunt feedback sometimes: https://polyamory.com/forums/poly-relationships-corner.4/

Or if you're more wanting to tell your story without getting advice on something specific, you can head over to Life Stories and Blogs and generally there people will just chip in if they have something positive to add.
 
Greetings abnormal,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you could really use a mentor, I am happy to help in any way I can. You can ask your questions on this thread, or on the Poly Relationships Corner, or on the General Poly Discussions board, or if you want to message me privately you can do that too. Maybe poly isn't new to you, but the realization that you are poly is new and that can be quite jarring. Good luck in your poly journey.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
There's a lot of, "How did this happen?" "I used to judge these people and somehow I'm one of them. What a hypocrite..." "OMG I have to tell (some) people!" "How do I explain this?"
 
Hello abnormal,

To be honest, I think most people are polyamorous, and just don't realize it. There's a lot of monogamous programming in our society, monogamy is presented as the only healthy/righteous way to conduct relationships, and most people, if they catch themselves having poly inclinations, try to stomp on those inclinations and bury them. It takes a lot of courage to say, "Maybe I'm poly."

You may be struggling with some of your own monogamous programming. You know you want poly, you feel it, and at the same time you feel that it is sinful and wrong, and that you must stamp it out. It will take quite a while for you go get past this dilemma, you are still surrounded by mononormative thinking and it will be hard to see past that.

It is hard to tell people that you are polyamorous, it is a risky venture as you can lose your job, kids, and relatives over it (some people will disown you). Many people (myself included) remain in the closet about their polyness, and that comes with its own kind of hardships. There are no easy answers. Of course you must tell your boyfriend and your friends-with-benefits, there is no getting around that.

If you do choose to tell people, you tell them, something like, "I think I am polyamorous. I think I have always been polyamorous." If they then ask you, "What does polyamorous mean?" then you have an opening for explaining the little-known lovestyle, and you can answer their questions, but of course you must come prepared to the conversation.

Hopefully this answers some of your questions.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Every word of it was helpful. Thank you for your time.

I'm out to my dad, daughter, caregiver, and my bf of almost two decades. Only two left!

I'm considering, at some future point, coming out to my friends on Facebook.

Can you be born poly? Because you don't really have a concept when you're a kid.
 
Just in case it helps, more for your counselor:

https://www.communitysolutionsva.or..._Professionals_Should_Know_About_Polymory.pdf

Polyamory: A Clinical Toolkit for Therapists (and Their Clients)

And, in case you want to try finding a poly counselor, to alternate sessions with your regular one and a poly one:

https://www.polyfriendly.org/

I think you are better off making a thread and getting a variety of opinions, because then you can take the best ones and ignore anyone trying to "mold" or "groom" you into something weird.
Contact on a regular basis with somebody who is currently very insecure.
Click to expand...

Think you could do all of that (plus some things I'm sure I missed)? then, please, I'm begging you, contact me asap.
Click to expand...

Where's the fire? Why this urgency? Healthy people won't take advantage of that, and putting it out there like that might attract weirdos who want to prey on you. Beware of "poly gurus" who claim to know everything.

Even if you are new to poly, you are the expert on YOU and what you will and will not tolerate, what you are and are not up for.Remember that.

Good luck,
Galagirl
 
The urgency comes from my desire to feel normal (or maybe we should call it baseline). Beyond that, I don't like keeping secrets. I'm horrible at it. I also feel very lost and am yearning for a light in the dark.
 
abnormal said:
Good point. I think I've just been triggered by some bad experiences on reddit. There was some gatekeeping
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Gatekeeping on /r/polyamory?! Not those nice people!!! /s

That subreddit is full of the blind leading the blind and people sucking each other off for worthless internet karma (hello /u/emeraldead and /u/rosephase). If you aren't constantly spewing relationship anarchy (or at the very least, egalitarian solo poly), you are a unicorn-hunting, harem-building, oppressive, hierarchical, treating-your-partners-like-disposable-sex-toys piece of crap who needs to get your head out of your ass and join the rest of us in the future, which is happening RIGHT NOW. (-46)

I was banned from that subreddit, and you can read about it here if you want: https://polyamory.com/threads/i-finally-did-it.156064/
 
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