The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

JaneQSmythe

Well-known member
JaneQ Over-Thinking: Words Matter

So, the last time I visited MrClean (as planned, this occurs about once a week for an hour or so when neither of us have outside obligations, generally during business hours) he used the term "girlfriend" twice. First as part of a lame dad-joke and then, a moment later, in a joking manner but...(like, he had been trying it on for size the first time?)

So. I don't have an aversion to the word "girlfriend" - Dude and I used to refer to each other as girlfriend/boyfriend, but it was also in the context of me also being married and anyone who heard GF/BF also heard husband/wife in context. MrClean does not ID as poly and is, ultimately, looking for mono-MrsClean. I worry (because that is who I am) that if he thinks (and says) "girlfriend" then he is going to project "taken" and miss out on some opportunities for connection. For myself, I would refer to him as my lover-friend or "special friend" or "my" MrClean - reflecting the presumed-temporary nature of our sexual relationship (friendship aside).

I asked him how the on-line dating thing was going - he said he wasn't really feeling "romantically inclined" - that there wasn't "anything wrong" with the women he went out with or was chatting with but that he wasn't feeling any "spark". OK - fair enough, part of the reason I was OK with getting involved with him this go-round was that he seemed to jump into relationships because "sex" and maybe if that was a less urgent need then he would be a bit more disriminating as to who he decided to date seriously. BUT, apparently, he NEVER dates more than one person at a time, even at the "just meeting" people stage - he waits to see whether he wants a second date before he asks out someone new... (Hmmm, I never dated so I don't really understand how it works...is this usual?)

On my end - I signed up on a women/womyn only dating app - I've had several people express some interest in talking but have found (as usual) that after the initial rush of being interesting to people wears off then I am not really enthusiastic about pouring energy into an "unknown" - getting to know people is So. Freaking. Exhausting.
 

JaneQSmythe

Well-known member
So...when your FWB(/not-quite-boyfriend) buys you a vibrator and a "G-spot stimulator" (whatever THAT turns out to be) to keep at his place does that mean he a.) thinks we are on a "relationship escalator" or that, or b.) is really thoughtful?

I think it is the latter - a week or two ago I caught a second wind and asked if he had a vibrator/"personal massager" around (he didn't...or this post wouldn't have happened). So, in later conversation, he asked whether if he HAD had said equipment would it automatically be assumed that it was his previous partner's toy. I said "yes, probably" while pointing out that men are allowed to use vibrators too and talked about some of the opinions voiced in the "Sharing Sex Toys" thread here....(going to go find that now...)

FOUND IT: Sharing Sex Toys

PS. Extra funny - I did a search for "Sharing Sex Toys" - with the results came the disclaimer:
  1. The following words were not included in your search because they are too short, too long, or too common: sex
 
Last edited:

JaneQSmythe

Well-known member
So, tonight MrS, MrClean, and I went to dinner and a concert - our first outing all together since our new arrangement. I was perfectly comfortable being on a "double-date" with both boys (to be fair, I have had a lot of practice with MrS and Dude). MrS was fine with my level of flirty/PDA with both of them (as expected, I was keeping it "toned-down"). MrClean did seem a little tense, but not unhappily so - I may talk to him tomorrow about what may make him uncomfortable. (I honestly don't know if he was more concerned about offending his friend, MrS - which I, too, would seriously like to avoid, or shocking the other concert-goers - which, as an amateur exhibitionist, I find terribly amusing). BUT, it is not kind to put your friends/lovers in uncomfortable positions (however amusing it may be!) so I am willing to have that conversation.
 

MeeraReed

Well-known member
So...when your FWB(/not-quite-boyfriend) buys you a vibrator and a "G-spot stimulator" (whatever THAT turns out to be) to keep at his place does that mean he a.) thinks we are on a "relationship escalator" or that, or b.) is really thoughtful?

In my experience, it was (b) :)

When Eli and I were first FWB or sex buddies or whatever we were doing when we first met, he was very thoughtful about having separate sex toys for each person he was seeing, in case anyone felt squeamish about sharing a sex toy (which I did).

We didn't fall in love until about two years later, LOL. And still living separately 10 years later, I guess we never got on the relationship escalator even though we consider ourselves life partners now...

But even so, the thoughtful sex toy in the first couple months of our sexual relationship was NOT a relationship escalation sign. Just an indication that Eli was a thoughtful sex partner :)
 

JaneQSmythe

Well-known member
Just a quick post to reference a post I just made in another thread that recaps MrS's "Epiphany" in case I want to reference it later:
"Epiphany" Recap

PS. I didn't have any sort of discussion with MrClean about what makes him uncomfortable in public or in front of MrS - I didn't even take a sip of the coffee that I asked him to have ready for me before we tore each other's clothes off and headed to bed. I. Was. So. Horny! And, afterward, he had a serious question that HE wanted to discuss - so we addressed that instead, then I had to get back to work because my "lunchbreak" was over 😁.
 
Last edited:

JaneQSmythe

Well-known member
So, curiously enough, me, MrS, and MrClean were all present at a solemn social gathering a day or two ago. As part of a text interchange after that MrClean says,"I feel awkward in public not in a terrible way...At all. I think you might too..."

My response: "Ah. I don't think that I feel particularly awkward in public (or not any more so than my usual social anxiety - which maybe you are paying more attention to?)"

So, fine! Now we have had the "discussion" I referenced in Post #243 and I never have to reference it again! YAY!
 

JaneQSmythe

Well-known member
Well...THAT was fun while it lasted (3 months)...

MrClean found himself a new love-interest, so we are on hiatus.

I'm not convinced that it is a perfect match...HE has already identified two "red flags" - 1.) She has only been separated from her husband of 20 years for 2.5 months, and 2.) the lack of "direct communication" (which requires some context - she said that she was not opposed to FWB, that she had one herself - turns out that was a male friend that she made out with ONCE. Who thinks that is the definition of FWB?!!!!!!?)

At any rate, I happened to come across a Polyamory Today article that expresses my feeling far more eloquently than I:

So I sent him the link in an email stating:

"As your friend (first and foremost!) I want you to be happy - preferably for the rest of your life! So if this chick ends up being your "One and Only" I will celebrate with you.

But...if it doesn't work out - I want you to know that I enjoyed our "arrangement" immensely, and would be thrilled to pick up where we left off...(I actually have a bit of experience with this - VV has been the "Comet" to my "Innkeeper" for 2 decades.)

"You know where to find me."

Me"
 

JaneQSmythe

Well-known member
Due to early adolescent experiences ... I have always been afraid of partners "catching the feels" excessively - so I had a "Rule" about never sleeping with (having sex with) the same person more than 3 times (which meant 2 times - since I would always want to keep one in "reserve" - in case of "emergency"? - whatever THAT might mean). So, MrClean is actually only the 3rd male partner in my life that I have had sex with more than twice...(don't ask why I don't have the same "Rule" for women - I have NO IDEA!)
 
Last edited:

JaneQSmythe

Well-known member
I know I have pondered on this before...but, in updating my sig I am, yet AGAIN, contemplating labels - not because labels themselves are important (I think that they are just short-hand - if it comes into play IRL then an actual conversation has to happen) but because I think that contemplating all of these different spectrums of labels may help a person better understand themselves and their motivations. Some are easy, some are hard, some are controvertial...I will spend the next few posts exploring that.
 

JaneQSmythe

Well-known member
I know I have pondered on this before...but, in updating my sig I am, yet AGAIN, contemplating labels - not because labels themselves are important (I think that they are just short-hand - if it comes into play IRL then an actual conversation has to happen) but because I think that contemplating all of these different spectrums of labels may help a person better understand themselves and their motivations. Some are easy, some are hard, some are controvertial...I will spend the next few posts exploring that.
Observations of myself:

Cis/Trans
- my gender-assigned-at-birth and my gender-identity match, so I am a cis-female
- my gender-identity is not particularly important to me and feels more like an accident of biology
* I am fine with the body I live in, it's mine, I use it to enjoy certain things (eating, sleeping, sex, life) and to keep me (my brain!) safe. It's comfortable and familiar and I do not care to change it in any significant way (other than to lose another 10# - and I vaguely wish I could have kept the tits and ass I developed when I was heavier...but you can't have everything and I am not willing to suffer anything - physically or financially - to change that)​
* I consider myself female because my body has (or should have had) the capacity to do the things that I associate with biological femaleness (i.e. the ability to become impregnated and to lactate naturally) and does not have the capacity to do the things that I associate with biological maleness (i.e. the ability to impregnate someone else - Fun Fact : any human can lactate with the right stimulation and hormones)​
>this directly feeds into my inane "failure as a woman" self-deprecation - I couldn't get pregnant when I wanted to and had a willing co-parent and when I DID get pregnant, I miscarried (twice)​
>Obviously I would not impose this gender distinction on anyone else! People who choose to remain childless, are infertile, adopt (whether they can physically bear children or not), or have born children regardless of their gender identify however they prefer​
 
Last edited:

JaneQSmythe

Well-known member
I know I have pondered on this before...but, in updating my sig I am, yet AGAIN, contemplating labels - not because labels themselves are important (I think that they are just short-hand - if it comes into play IRL then an actual conversation has to happen) but because I think that contemplating all of these different spectrums of labels may help a person better understand themselves and their motivations. Some are easy, some are hard, some are controvertial...I will spend the next few posts exploring that.

Poly/Mono
- this one is easy - I'm poly. Whether I am in one relationship, no relationships, or multiple relationships
- I was poly before that word was accepted in the common lexicon
- I was poly before I had romantic feelings for anyone
- I was poly before I had sex
- I realized I was poly when I read Heinlein as a child - but didn't have a word for it until the internet was invented!
...etc.

EXCEPT - maybe not so easy...

I am really unclear on the concept of love/romance - I don't really know what that means. Poly means "many loves" but maybe that is NOT what I experience (for myself). I wrote in a blog post long ago that it took me 18 months to tell MrS that I "loved" him and that, with Dude, I cut the time in 1/2 (9 months) - by that accounting I should be falling "off the wagon" with MrClean at 4 1/2 months. Both firsts happened during sex (PS. I like sex!). But I had studiously tried to not encourage situations where someone might catch the feels FOR ME - but just assumed that I was somehow above that nonsense? (tongue-in-cheek!) By this accounting - I should be telling MrClean that I "love" him about now (except we have been on hiatus for a week? AND I have no inclination to tell him anything in particular other than that I am horny and has he made a decision on the neighbor chick yet!?!)

I do recall that when I went to his place at the end of January to propose a sanctioned change in our relationship (i.e. specifically "The friendship that we have now...plus sex." - and specifically what that proposal did NOT include: constant contact, buying me things, romantic milestones (Valentine's, anniversaries, etc.) he did say, "I don't see how I could love you any more as a lover, than I already do as your friend." So, that...

Is also how I feel...but does that mean that I don't actually KNOW what love is?

Less than a month ago - while texting about a related concept he (MrClean) sent me a text that read:
"I hold no more or less 'love' for you even though our relationship has changed in a way that should have me feeling Gaga."
(He was talking about the fact that he was not feeling particularly "emotional" at the time - and had no interest, then, in meeting or getting to know people - this was before he started sucking face with neighbor chick!)
 

JaneQSmythe

Well-known member
Just a quick note to jot down topics to discuss later - when I am feeling bloggy:
MrClean - just off of hiatus, "doggus interuptus"
Waif - MrS's foray into being a White Knight, "problem child", SEP
 
Top