The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Ahh Jane, I'm so sorry for this horrible news. Even if you don't come back, you have our concern and support.
 
Hi Jane, I missed this news over the summer. I am so sorry to hear about it. Dude always reminded me of my partner, but a lot more trouble.

I hope you will come back to the forum when you feel like sharing more.
 
Ok Jane, it's been a year and a half, what happened? It was clear from some of your posts some storm clouds were brewing, but what was the scary part? Did Dude get ugly? He was always on the outside looking in, kinda renting your companionship, so I could see him getting tired of it...and just packing it in one day.
 
Ok Jane, it's been a year and a half, what happened? It was clear from some of your posts some storm clouds were brewing, but what was the scary part? Did Dude get ugly? He was always on the outside looking in, kinda renting your companionship, so I could see him getting tired of it...and just packing it in one day.

wpaman, this seems like a very rude way for a new member to introduce themselves. You've never posted on this forum before, but you want a member who hasn't been on the forum in almost 2 years to update you on her life?

Also, this is a super weird interpretation of Jane's dynamic with Dude.
 
I have been away - my world was unstable after Dude went nuclear and I was afraid...
For those of you who were here then - Dude went postal, assaulted MrS, and held us hostage at gunpoint - MrS landed in the trauma ICU (He is okay now, mostly).
This has ZERO to do with poly and everything to do with Dudes's mental health! (No, I don't know where he is now, I negotiated for him to come get his "stuff" - and he took practically everything that he had ever touched after almost 10 years of being part of our household.)
 
OMG... I'm so sorry to hear this. :(

I hope both you and Mr S. are safe and continue to heal from this experience.

Galagirl
 
I have been away - my world was unstable after Dude went nuclear and I was afraid...
For those of you who were here then - Dude went postal, assaulted MrS, and held us hostage at gunpoint - MrS landed in the trauma ICU (He is okay now, mostly).
This has ZERO to do with poly and everything to do with Dudes's mental health! (No, I don't know where he is now, I negotiated for him to come get his "stuff" - and he took practically everything that he had ever touched after almost 10 years of being part of our household.)
Holy shit.

I am sorry you went through all of this.
 
OMG. That is much worse that I imagined. Very unexpected. I am so sorry.

Healing and well wishes to you and MrS.
 
I'm so sorry, Jane! OMG I am glad you guys are OK.
 
That’s awful and so much worse than I imagined. I hope you are healing as much as possible.
 
Oh my god, that's terrifying!! I'm so sorry that happened, I can't even imagine.
 
Thank you all for your kind words and well wishes - it was a terrifying experience and I am sure the scars will always be there, but they feel healed over for the time being. MrS and I crawled back into our den to lick our wounds (easy during Covid-times!) and are now starting to emerge.

Sorry if this post is a bit scattered - I'm trying to take a snapshot of history here:

Prior to Dude going nuclear I had lost 30# doing Keto - then Covid happened and I gained it all back plus 5#, ugh. As I was configuring my post-Dude life I elected to make some choices to take care of myself. I have lost 51# (and am now at a weight that I haven't seen since my 20's!) and started going back to classes at the gym (fortunately my genes include coding for awesome leg muscles - very gratifying with minimal effort!). On Saturday we (MrS and I) went out to a club with our (somewhat younger and as-yet unnamed) friends from a nearby town. MrS was kind enough to point out that I was drawing some favorable attention while dancing - SUPER ego boost! I enjoyed myself immensely (despite being DD).

Some of you may recall that MrS is rather greysexual and my relationship with Dude was highly sexual, so as I am rediscovering my sexual self and am considering my options. Random dating seems fraught with danger - Covid, Crazy, Closets, etc. At just this time an old friend of ours is suddenly in much closer proximity (geographically - in that I literally drive right by his place every time I go to work) than previously. The universe is either tempting me (in which case I failed!) or offering me an opportunity (which I chose to take!). If you have been following my blogs - the person I am referring to is MrClean, a person-of-interest that we have been friends with for pushing two decades and part of a few of my "near miss" encounters.

In the past I had what I felt were very valid reasons for not pursuing our obvious attraction to each other. He has two children with his ex (which I may not have named here). In the post-divorce years I felt that he was looking for a long-term monogamous relationship AND a mother for his kids - neither of which I could provide. When he learned that I had taken an additional male partner, Dude, (having only had female secondary partners previously) his response was a bit "why him, not me?". He has had several serious relationships in the intervening years, which haven't worked out for various reasons. He is still in the market for a long-term (likely monogamous) relationship but we both have been missing SEX. He is currently single and I am back on the (poly) market..so...now MrClean and I have a FWB situation...I'll keep you posted!

(I know, I know... "sex changes things" - I've heard. But I have always considered NSA FWB as my default mode...it is where I am the most comfortable. I think that "feelings" are the complicating factor, not the sex itself...)
 
I, too, am really sorry about Dude. I'm glad you and MrS are healing.

And congratulations on the weight loss!!! That is so awesome!!! (And gives me hope for the 20 lbs I gained during covid. I'm down 2 lbs haha.)

And, totally awesome that you and Mr Clean are enjoying each other :) I think friends make the best lovers!!
 
And, totally awesome that you and Mr Clean are enjoying each other :) I think friends make the best lovers!!
Thank you - and I agree!

I wrote a bit about this on here somewhere before but Dude would say things like, "If we weren't dating, I wouldn't be friends with her." I think that is fine for a ONS or temporary NSA partner - but "dating" implies (to me) at least he potential for an ongoing relationship...and who wants an ongoing relationship with someone they wouldn't be friends with?!? (BUT, I understand that "dating" to some people means anyone they are seeing on an ongoing basis and, potentially, having sex with - to me, that would be "hooking up"...whatever.;))

So, I have been enjoying my sexual encounters with MrClean immensely! I don't want to let NRE cause problems in other areas of my life, so I have been aiming for a once-a-week or so engagement - which has worked out fine, as my schedule is really tight, but his is generally open (at least during the day on weekdays). TBH, although the sex part is new, it has an element of ORE (or ERE if you prefer) in that I don't have that anxiety that comes with being naked in front of someone the first time, we have been close enough often enough that it just feels really like "Finally, YES!" - I know he finds me attractive enough (even before the 50# weight loss) and for almost 2 decades we have a history of honest dialogue even about sensitive subjects, he knows most of my history, and what he doesn't know, to me, feels like "more of the same". (For instance, he doesn't recall that he knew that Rube and I had had sex back in the day...and I had temporarily forgotten that he had slept with SLeW - which doesn't feel weird to me because our social circles back in the day had a TON of overlap.)

So, last night he went on his first "First Date" in four years - and called me on the way there because he was nervous! I told him he had called almost exactly the wrong person - as I have been on, maybe, 3 "First Dates" in my LIFE (and 2 of them were 25 years ago!). Not my cup of tea - I prefer to hook-up with friends or pursue one-off encounters with people I meet "in the wild" (like at live concerts - harder in Covid-times). Meanwhile, he has been on, like, 1200 first dates (not really, obvi, but a LOT)! He (and strangely enough, Dude) is one of the more successful on-line dating males I have ever heard tell of - in terms of actual conversations and meetings. (Because he is an attractive, attentive, and [unlike Dude] a legitimately good person!)

So...on the poly (my) side...

When I first stopped in to propose my FWB offer a month-or-so ago (after a near-miss became a not-miss - because, as usual, I am a JACK-ASS!) he had mentioned adding a line about a poly-FWB blah-blah-blah that was not going to be a problem to his dating profiles. A week or two later he brought up that he had been thinking about it and he wasn't sure that adding that info might not just confuse the issue. Which I absolutely, totally, agree with! He is hooking up with a poly-chick-friend for sex - now. He is not looking specifically for a poly-partner (although he is open to the possibility, I think - but definately looking for a nesting partner). Adding the "poly" angle to a dating profile of someone who is looking for a likely-monogamous nesting partner seems to muddy the waters.

So, I went into this knowing that it would be a, likely, temporary, solution to our sex-less issue. What I am curious about, that the poly-boards might not be the best place to consult - is, when he asks me, which he will, when is the appropriate time is to become exclusive with a new person (and stop his relations with me )?
 
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Thank you - and I agree!

I wrote a bit about this on here somewhere before but Dude would say things like, "If we weren't dating, I wouldn't be friends with her." I think that is fine for a ONS or temporary NSA partner - but "dating" implies (to me) at least he potential for an ongoing relationship...and who wants an ongoing relationship with someone they wouldn't be friends with?!? (BUT, I understand that "dating" to some people means anyone they are seeing on an ongoing basis and, potentially, having sex with - to me, that would be "hooking up"...whatever.;))
I actually remember this conversation - it was on my very first post on this board, about a messy quad situation that had imploded (though not as spectacularly as your recent situation).
 
@JaneQSmythe I am so sorry you and MrS went through that horrific experience with Dude. My god :(

It's lovely to have you back on here and I hope you both continue to heal x
 
Labels...how to use them...hmm?

I learned some new ones today:

demiromantic (which I can definitely ID with!)
and
scoliosexual (which may be the other end of a spectrum that I have been seeking to understand!)

There are plenty of articles about how people who ID as "bi" are questionably excluded from both gay and straight spaces - and then labelled as transphobic because we don't ID as pansexual. Which I feel is along the lines of the poly-open-swinging spectrum but didn't have another endpoint for! How about?:

monosexual (gay/straight) ---bisexual --- pansexual --- scoliosexual

Currently the labels that resonate with me are:

polyamorous
bisexual
demiromantic

(possibly heteroromantic? - just because I have only fallen "in love" with men - all both of them - doesn't mean that I am ruling women out in the future)

(OR perhaps I am aromantic/greyromantic? I never really understood this "love" concept...but I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY like some people more than others. And I don't use the word "love" lightly - so I think I have figured out a work-around)
 
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Fuck - I wrote a whole thing and lost it trying to save it...I guess it was meant to be introspective by the universe?
 
Short version - I am loving sex with MrClean but worried that I am impeding him from ultimate happiness in terms of finding what he is looking for but trying to believe that he is a grown-ass man responsible for his own decisions. (BUT, we are both "over-thinkers" who don't want to hurt anyone...)
 
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