What are married poly women looking for?

When Adam and I did the work to reopen our marriage, it was because I wanted to be able to have loving connections and have these be able to be expressed without mono-normative limits. But it certainly wasn't because I wasn't getting/feeling enough love from him. We did and do love each other very much. We were also still very sexual when we opened up, so it wasn't because of any lack of sex.

I especially wanted to be able to reconnect with my friends from before we moved to the South Island. Adam already knew that if I considered a guy a friend, I had a loving relationship with them that was more emotional than with my girl friends. And that there was very likely a physical component to that friendship, too. I'd told him that when we were getting to know each other. He even had a chuckle at our wedding breakfast when I was sat at a table with a bunch of my guy mates, chatting and laughing, and he knew full well that I'd had ongoing loving friendships and sexual relationships with all of them.

You may ask why I ended up marrying Adam since I could have just enjoyed the same type of loving friendship with him. That's probably something only we can actually understand since neither of us was looking for such a relationship when we met. But here we are.

I still wanted the ability to love my existing friends, and discover new loving connections of varied depths, without the restrictions of a monogamous marriage or expectations of serial monogamy. It wasn't to be able to screw around, but to be able to re-engage with, form, and nurture the kind of loving relationships that I naturally am inclined to.

Since we opened up, I've farewelled old friends (Tech and Trask both passed) made new (loving) friends such as Mike and Lance (both very different styles of connection), had a connection that just couldn't settle into one thing or another and had to be released (Golf), had a relationship that ended for reasons in that relationship, and eventually I met Puck. First online, and finally, post pandemic, in person.

I'm still very open to meeting more people I might develop loving connections with although I clearly have an abundance of love in my life.
I appreciate you sharing all of that. To me it sounds like you and Adam have constructed your poly marriage from the ground up. Your social circles and dating circles have grown or interconnected from the beginning. You’re motivation and philosophy were established pretty much right out of the box. Do you think that’s the normal for a mono couple transitioning a 12 yr mono marriage ? Hey I DONT KNOW. BUT from the threads I’ve read and participated in over the yrs I don’t think so.

From your post #13 it’s your contentions that I’m wrong the scale isnt tilted in your direction and it just equally tough out their trying to find a meaningful connection ?
 
I certainly don't feel that the scale is tilted in my direction even though I have met new people over the years. I get turned down enough (because of poly) that although I have listed a lot of people, most of them I knew before meeting Adam. Mike, Lance and Puck are newer, but even Lance didn't follow through with meeting in person because he just couldn't face dealing with me being poly. Mike and Puck are both married and have other partners too. So much easier. And for both of them, well, they've got loads of charisma, so that's what makes it easy for them to meet new people when they want to.
Adam also ended up in a relationship with the first woman he approached after we reopened.

I guess I strike out more because I step up to the plate more? Or perhaps it's because I'm just past my shelf life now.
 
Yes, but the title of the thread was asking the question regarding poly partnered women.

Yes. Opportunity doesn’t mean success. You’re going to have to kiss or blow a lot of frogs to find your keeper.
Bi or gay men being competition:
I didn’t assume that. I just didn’t think it would have a huge statistical impact. It would be more of a one-off thing.

It's not a "one-off thing" to be a bi or gay man. There are more bi men out there than you think. Maybe, because you brought it up, you're assuming that poly men have to compete with women for women, but poly women don't need to compete with men to get a man, but that's just because it's still more OK in our patriarchal culture for women to be bi, than for men. Men are just much much more closeted. I can't even tell you how many men I've talked to who had "straight" on their profiles, but confessed to me that they were bi, or even cross-dressers.
Don’t see it as direct competition. If you do and that’s your experience thanks for sharing.


And that’s what's made you the shining poly partner you are. 😉👍 Good competition makes you better 😆



I'm pretty sure there’s some evolutionary biology programming.

When you were married and opened your marriage you wanted love?
Yes.
You weren’t getting love or weren't feeling enough love from your husband at the time?
He did love me, and I was getting love, sex, all the relationship bells and whistles. Poly people don't seek multiple partners because they aren't getting enough love in a mono relationship. They may be getting all the love their mono partner can give, and it might be just fine. One person can love you a lot, but they are just one person.

I wanted variety. I wanted to be with other men and I wanted to be with women, and I was also interested in trans or non-binary people. I am polyamorous. I wasn't just a bored housewife/mom.
Are we talking the NRE experience?
No.
You weren’t trying to escape from the role of wife and mother once or twice a week and just be someone’s delicious lover during those blocks of time?
No. I guess you've forgotten that when my ex h and I opened our relationship, it was first supposed to be for me to experience having a relationship with a woman. It was his idea. I didn't really have the time for it, as I was knee-deep in parenting. He and I had begun fantasizing about threeways, and I let him talk me into trying it in real life. As stupid newbies, we were unicorn hunters.... for a few weeks. He hooked the first woman he approached. She wasn't attracted to me. I didn't actively hunt for a new partner. In the last year or so of my marriage, about 8 years after he'd met that woman (when the kids were now young adults, 16-21), I finally started flirting online. When I did, he freaked out and got so jealous and suspicious and paranoid, I couldn't stand it. So we did therapy. That didn't help. We separated (we had other issues too), and eventually divorced. THEN I began living as a single poly woman, still looking for love, not just sex, not just NRE.

I think you might be projecting what YOUR WIFE was looking for when she began a relationship. Escape from you and the kids and adult responsibilities. Is that it?
yeah …NO kidding …hence the phrase unlimited opportunity.



hey I had a women ask for the same thing. Unlike you I said ….sure why not 🫢😲😝


I’m pretty sure you’ve lectured on here that sex leads to bonding. That those believing keeping a relationship “just“ sexual are just self delusional. Long term it won’t work.
Right. But many horny men aren't interested in something long term. They don't want a gf. They don't know how to be a good boyfriend. They just wanna get laid, right here right now.
In the above-mentioned scenario, at least women are given the chance to test that theory. You got a foot or boob in the door. For partnered men, that door is closed.
As Evie said, successful partnered poly men are out there. I've met some. The ones I've met are charismatic, good listeners, intelligent, good hinges, have good hygiene, good senses of humor, they are kind and giving and caring, they have good bedroom skills. In short, they know how to treat a woman right.
DONT GET ME WRONG; I don’t think we should feel sorry for anyone or any group who wants to play in this space. You just need to buck up and face facts.
 
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To me, it's seemed like the men on this forum who complain that their wives are getting many poly dates and they're having no luck, often describe themselves as introverted / insecure with themselves / inexperienced with dating / socially awkward in some way. Whereas their wives might be more social.

Often, these mean sound reluctant to be poly in the first place--even if they are okay with their wife being poly--like they don't actually WANT to go on dates with new people, but they feel like they are supposed to, to keep up with their wife. But I suspect their lack of genuine interest in poly is coming across to potential poly women on dating apps.; coupled with some social awkwardness/inexperience/insecurity, I think it would be hard to date in that situation.

When the dynamic is reversed--a more social, sexual husband who initiates poly and a wife who okays it but is more reluctant to date others herself--I tend to see these women coming to the forum to learn more about poly to understand their spouse better or to process whether they can actually stay in a poly marriage. Not complaining "he gets dates but I don't." Possibly because they are doing more emotional processing before jumping reluctantly into dating others?

My partner is VERY social and sexual and gets way more dates than me...dating others for me is pretty challenging and I don't feel inclined to do it much...doesn't particularly bother me.

However, when I have ventured into the poly dating pool, I encountered plenty of partnered poly men who were in healthy, happy poly marriages. Usually their wife did already have other partners and they didn't--so yes, I did observe an imbalance. These guys were chill about their wives' other partners, and not complaining that it was harder for them to date...in fact, some of them were on dating sites simply because their previous non-marriage partnership had ended so they were "looking" again. Not because they were struggling to poly date at all.

The only men who were bitter about their wives dating were in UNHAPPY marriages to begin with, and/or were projecting such insecurity that I'd guess it was the insecurity that was turning off prospective partners, not the poly.

The main generalization I would make is that I have not seen many women attempting to poly date while they are filled with deep insecurity over their husband being poly. Possibly the gender-based difference is that women don't feel like dating when they are struggling with self-image and emotional processing, but men might be looking for a woman to "help" with or "fix" their insecurities?

Which I have also encountered when dating single mono men as a single mono woman.
 
Great post, Meera!
 
don't really know that this matters.
It matters to the people who post here seeking our advice. This is about them.
The blame game always leads to conflicts.
I think you misunderstood the point. I'm saying that maybe men see a woman's failure in the dating market as her own problem so they don't post on a forum seeking ideas to help her like women do for their male partners. Maybe women should do the same.

Overall Vitamin B, I think you've misunderstood the point of the thread. It isn't to fix anything so much as discussing a common issue the people who come here raise about gendered dating imbalance.

Part of that is discussing our own experiences and how they correspond with what those people report.

So are you partnered? Who do you usually date?
 
and a person's intent is not really a qualification for conversation. Polyamorous people are typically open to these kinds of new experiences without the need to qualify their own motives or justifications for doing so, even when they are in committed relationships, and their committed relationships are typically built around that fact.

Yeah see this in this thread why someone opts to open their relationship is pretty relevant to the conversation. We're not interrogating a specific person. We are just speaking in general. And we aren't judging anyone for the sex or relationships they want. We're talking about whether what they want is relevant to this phenomenon of imbalanced opportunities.
 
This is what I’m saying: that this isn’t quite the best frame for the conversation, because the balance of the opportunity isn’t ever going to really be the same from context to context, individual to individual, and even if it was, it wouldn’t matter because sexual and romantic opportunities aren’t based on statistics, which is what the conversation keeps reducing itself to. I’m arguing that we’re making statements based on feelings and trying to qualify them as facts, rather than be open to not seeing things as an imbalance — and by seeing things this way, THAT is what is causing the imbalance, not any matter of gender stat or prpreference.
We often advise that they don't see it as an imbalance. However, they do see it that way. This thread works within their reality. For instance many of us have said that the poly women who think they have heaps of opportunity often find out that they had heaps of opportunity for a casual sexually focused relationship. The couple hasn't got to the point of seeing how it all sort of evens out.

I'm thinking to link this thread to people so they can see some of the experiences poly people have.

. You just replied here. This is something we've brought up before. A lot of us have had experiences with partnered men where their existing partners made it impossible to enjoy a relationship with said men. Yes you could say the man should just be a better hinge and stand up for himself. It just isn't always that easy when a relationship breakdown could cause financial and emotional devastation to a whole family.

A LOT of women post wanting to "help" their husband's. Hearing that actually their looking presence could be adding to the problem you came here to report might make them see they need to let him deal with it.

There's another point I'm going to raise about money. It might make sense for any dating fund for the couple to be split in the guy's favor. I was discussing this with someone else who said their husband had the same issue until he had more money to date. Men usually want to finance her dates. Women usually expect men to have the ability to contribute at least 50%.
 
This is an important distinction that I am now just seeing. Perhaps I’m mistaken, but the whole conversation seemed to be taking different directions before you clarified this point, and that was my reason for my response — I’m seeing now that there’s a lack of context where this conversation is an ongoing trend and there’s nuance to the perspectives as they relate to a lot of the core points. Your point here goes in a completely different direction than the ones I was seeing argued, and I’m not sure the points are totally unrelated, but unfortunately being inexperienced leaves me lacking the perspective as to what the correlation between these points might be. I’m glad you clarified because I wouldn’t have got here without you mentioning it, so thank you.


This I can relate to and thanks for bringing it the the center of the conversation.


Not sure I understand this point.
Yes sorry, looking was meant to be looming.

The irony is that when a woman comes to a forum seeking how to help her husband, she might be demonstrating the exact issue. The issue being that she's too involved and their marriage is too co-dependent for him to seem an attractive dating partner to others.
 
I’m trying this trend lately of not being too over retentive and arm chair psychoanalytic (obviously I’m failing, lol), but just a thought about perspective, just to relieve the responsibility of the burdened partner who sees an imbalance to not have to “diagnose” something; perhaps it’s revolving around how the relationships are being empowered and how their being led. Me personally I’m really only attracted to strong leading women, and so my perspective is going to be informed from that depth of quality in the relationships I seek to maintain.

If I’m seeing an imbalance, maybe I’m uprooting some of the comfortable and established rules that have either been spoken of or unspoken that govern how the relationship itself leads itself, like with your example about date night and figuring for finance. A person might be reading false feedback just because they’re looking for a lead that typically was well established and comfortable but is just operating under a newly explored paradigm where they don’t know how to make the leads themselves becomes something they don’t see as negative feedback about their own qualities as potential lovers for other people.

What I’m explaining from my perspective would be as if I were to suddenly want to have a relationship with a harem of women to date when, previously, I was very reserved; or perhaps I was a leg in a female led relationship. When that dynamic shifts it’s going to uproot all of the typical signaling that’s paved the way for the comfort and reliability that we might share in our current relationships, and requires some sort of mechanistic transmission to go from one context to the new one, and I’m not sure that has anything to do with other people or if that has more to do with not wanting to risk disturbing your partnership dynamic.

Again, I’m only speculating as I’ve never been in a poly relationship before.

This is the place to speculate. Wherever you are on the journey is relevant to the topic.

Do you have an intro post?
 
Yep but not one to write home about. I’m new here and don’t really have much to contribute in terms of an interesting background.
We all have an interesting background. Yours is too. The things you're thinking about and if you stick around, we get to hear more of your experiences too. Your first poly relationship could be with a wealth of information and vicarious experiences. Many of ours was because some dude cheated on us and we didn't want to let him go 😂

Well not really but it wasn't always a fully considered decision where we had thought about all the issues that will pop up before we got there.
 
Mod note: a person was banned for spam. Please carry on as if that didn't happen.
 
Bi or gay men being competition:


It's not a "one-off thing" to be a bi or gay man. There are more bi men out there than you think. Maybe, because you brought it up, you're assuming that poly men have to compete with women for women, but poly women don't need to compete with men to get a man, but that's just because it's still more OK in our patriarchal culture for women to be bi, than for me.

You misunderstood …I suggest a bi or gay poly man wouldnt be going after attached poly women in any kind of significant number.
Men are just much much more closeted. I can't even tell you how many men I've talked to who had "straight" on their profiles, but confessed to me that they were bi, or even cross-dresser
Were these closeted men married to women and poly ? Ok you can’t tell us how many guys you’ve talked with that are posing as straight but could you guess as a percentage of the total number of guys you talk with ?


He did love me, and I was getting love, sex, all the relationship bells and whistles. Poly people don't seek multiple partners because they aren't getting enough love in a mono relationship.
you mean “ poly people “ that think like you. There are plenty that seem to fill in missing blanks.

They may be getting all the love their mono partner can give, and it might be just fine. One person can love you a lot, but they are just one person.
Yes and another hundred iterations beyond that too.


I wanted variety. I wanted to be with other men and I wanted to be with women, and I was also interested in trans or non-binary people. I am polyamorous. I wasn't just a bored housewife/mom.
the reason I asked the question is often the reasons/ motivations / intentions were based on one thing and then once you’re in knee deep things change and evolve and the purpose of the pilgrimage becomes known.

No. I guess you've forgotten that when my ex h and I opened our relationship, it was first supposed to be for me to experience having a relationship with a woman. It was his idea.
yes it’s hard to keep all the various stories and members straight plus I wouldn’t have wanted to take the Chance of misrepresenting something.

I didn't really have the time for it, as I was knee-deep in parenting. He and I had begun fantasizing about threeways, and I let him talk me into trying it in real life. As stupid newbies, we were unicorn hunters.... for a few weeks. He hooked the first woman he approached.
ok so it doesnt sound like his intention or motivations were all about your growth and additional love.

She wasn't attracted to me. I didn't actively hunt for a new partner. In the last year or so of my marriage, about 8 years after he'd met that woman (when the kids were now young adults, 16-21), I finally started flirting online. When I did, he freaked out and got so jealous and suspicious and paranoid, I couldn't stand it. So we did therapy. That didn't help. We separated (we had other issues too), and eventually divorced. THEN I began living as a single poly woman, still looking for love, not just sex, not just NRE.
Not just ….not just Does the mean not completely?

I think you might be projecting what YOUR WIFE was looking for when she began a relationship. Escape from you and the kids and adult responsibilities. Is that it?
so if I have that experience in my own life and Ive seen it happen over and over on the forum is it really projecting ?
why is your experience objective fact and my experiences some sort of projection ?

I wasn’t told this directly but the married poly woman I dated very much like being wined and dined and getting away from her house for an evening or weekend.

ELECTRON (another member) here was dating a married poly women she openly admitted he was pure and total escapism in its absolute best form.

I think if you motivation is fun, excitement/ escapism it’s JUST as valid or legitimate as the high minded value of love.

Right. But many horny men aren't interested in something long term. They don't want a gf. They don't know how to be a good boyfriend. They just wanna get laid, right here right now.
At least the lot is full of plenty of cars to test drive. 😢😢 …so many men so little time it got to suck.
AND believe me when I say this I don’t feel sorry for men ..us men. This is the way it is …deal. BUT I will say it’s annoying to hear women bitch / complain / argue about the disparity.



As Evie said, successful partnered poly men are out there. I've met some. The ones I've met are charismatic, good listeners, intelligent, good hinges, have good hygiene, good senses of humor, they are kind and giving and caring, they have good bedroom skills. In short, they know how to treat a woman right.
That was never the question If good poly partnered men are out there.


Here’s an fresh example https://polyamory.com/threads/new-to-this.155294/.
 
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You misunderstood. I suggest a bi or gay poly man wouldn't be going after attached poly women in any kind of significant number.
Well, of course, gay men wouldn't be going after women. But bi poly men might be going after gay men. And of course there is a significant number of bi men who are seeking both men and women, and pansexual guys who are seeking multiple genders, too.
Were these closeted men married to women and poly?
I guess some of them were, sure. It's hard to remember exact specifics.
OK, you can’t tell us how many guys you’ve talked with that are posing as straight, but could you guess as a percentage of the total number of guys you talk with?
No, I really can't. I haven't been to dating sites in about 4 years at this point, what with getting jaded, then the pandemic, then meeting Aries. It's hard to say how many people think or claim they are straight while denying to themselves or others that they actually fall somewhere on the spectrum between gay and straight.
You mean “poly people“ that think like you. There are plenty that seem to fill in missing blanks.
...
The reason I asked the question is often the reasons, motivations or intentions were based on one thing and then, once you’re in knee deep, things change and evolve and the purpose of the pilgrimage becomes known.
...
It doesn't sound like his intention or motivations were all about your growth and additional love.
No. I had my intentions and he had his. Mine was a relationship with a woman. He said his was threeway sex, but it turns out that what he really wanted/needed was a relationship with a woman too (whether she was into me or not haha).
"Not just... not just." Does that mean not completely?
As an adult human with a good libido, sure, I like sex with my love. My NRE came as a surprise since I had not experienced it in a couple of decades, so wasn't expecting it, much less seeking it. I did experience it a bunch of times. It's exciting and fun but also can be a pain in the ass. It's never my main motivator.
So if I have that experience in my own life, and I've seen it happen over and over on the forum is it really projecting?
Your experiences are valid. I just didn't want you to project them onto me.
Why is your experience objective fact and my experiences are some sort of projection?
...
I wasn’t told this directly, but the married poly woman I dated very much like being wined and dined and getting away from her house for an evening or weekend.
So, you dated one married poly woman and that was something she enjoyed. Was she really poly? Did she love you and vice versa?
ELECTRON (another member) here was dating a married poly women she openly admitted he was pure and total escapism in its absolute best form.
OK. Did she love him and he love her? Amor is Latin for love, not sex, escapism, etc.
I think if your motivation is fun, excitement, and escapism it’s just as valid or legitimate as the high-minded value of love.
But if there isn't love, then "It's not polyamory, it's just fucking around." (I did not make up that statement.) Love is fun and exciting but I don't want it to escape from something else (boredom, disrespect, abuse). We get married/partnered people coming here who think they are poly, but really, they are just looking for an escape hatch from a relationship that has expired. Love means more than just escapism and fun, it also means support and comfort, sharing meals, security, it can be spiritual, it can mean, "Let's make babies," etc.
At least the lot is full of plenty of cars to test drive. 😢😢 So many men, so little time. It's gotta suck.
I hear you are envious. I did have lots of great sex with many people, but the relationships didn't last more than one date to 2 years. Some did involve love (at least on one side), but most disappointed me. I didn't want that turnover. I wanted one good guy. I got frustrated and jaded.
And believe me when I say this: I don’t feel sorry for us men. This is the way it is… deal. But I will say it’s annoying to hear women bitch. complain and argue about the disparity.
I can't speak for Seasoned, but I think meant for this thread to help men understand women (and for women to share amongst themselves). I am sorry you find it painful.
That was never the question, if good poly partnered men were out there.
But she asked what we wanted, and there are a few guys out there that would fill the bill. I think it's quite on topic.
 
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We all have an interesting background. Yours is too. The things you're thinking about and if you stick around, we get to hear more of your experiences too. Your first poly relationship could be with a wealth of information and vicarious experiences. Many of ours was because some dude cheated on us and we didn't want to let him go 😂

Well not really but it wasn't always a fully considered decision where we had thought about all the issues that will pop up before we got there.
I totally understand the not letting go. My wife cheated on me pretty regularly before and In the beginning of our marriage. I wouldn't say that I liked it but it didn't usually hurt my feelings or make me mad, and I loved her and we seemed happy together anyways so I kind of just didn't say anything. About a year before she found herself pregnant she had a falling out with her regular guy. She hadn't found a new guy to sneak out with and then she got pregnant and decided it wouldn't be good as a mother to have a man on the side. That was 9 years ago I had considered polly since she stopped cheating and seemed less happy in general and with our relationship but didn't know how to bring it up. We've recently become poly, although we haven't found Partners to engage in yet. But my wife is the one who brought the idea of.
 
I totally understand the not letting go. My wife cheated on me pretty regularly before and In the beginning of our marriage. I wouldn't say that I liked it but it didn't usually hurt my feelings or make me mad, and I loved her and we seemed happy together anyways so I kind of just didn't say anything. About a year before she found herself pregnant she had a falling out with her regular guy. She hadn't found a new guy to sneak out with and then she got pregnant and decided it wouldn't be good as a mother to have a man on the side. That was 9 years ago I had considered polly since she stopped cheating and seemed less happy in general and with our relationship but didn't know how to bring it up. We've recently become poly, although we haven't found Partners to engage in yet. But my wife is the one who brought the idea of.

Thanks for your reply.

In your own thread, you said:


My basic problem is that the girls that are interested in me are only looking for a bang and leave situation.

As you are a partnered man, this is interesting and related to the pondering in this thread.

I thought about it for a while. Building on some of what we said earlier, do you think that some of these women are open to more than a hook up with people generally, but feel they'd only be compatible with you for sex?
 
A "supposedly" poly man looking for a date with his wife's approval is assumed to actually be going behind his wife's back to "get some action," and once he puts his next notch on the bedpost he will dump the new woman

On the other hand, I've dated married or partnered guys who had difficult spouses (not really onboard with proper poly),

This often means many a date is cancelled/postponed for weeks in order to manage scheduling between two separate poly families calendars.

Most married poly men don't fit that BECAUSE... schedules fucking suck.

I've also had my share of experiences with wives/cohabiting partners ending up having a major issue with an outside relationship becoming actually important and not just a fling. So that's a thing. Anyone who is already in a committed relationship has to be able to be a good hinge,

It's often something about how his existing commitments clash with the needs of his dating pool. Or at least appear to.

It could be that people who date men want things from them that they can't get when those men are partnered. It could be as simple as the average woman needs to see her partner more than the average partnered man can offer.
These are some of the things I mean
 
Yep, schedules and difficult metamours are a pitfall of trying to date married guys. I've had a few of these, hell, Puck's schedule has sucked lately. And there was one meta when I was in the US who kept making drama.

Dependent kids would also make me probably be warier of diving too deep as well. Including shared custody kids. I'm childfree though so there's that layer too.

But overall, the hinge skills are the crux of the matter.

And since I'll always be a hinge, too, I do my best to model what I want such as planning ahead and keeping committments whenever possible.

And if Adam wants Chinese food when I'm on a date, or even a girls'night out, he can get it himself! I'm not cutting my evening short for that kind of trivial nonsense (not that he'd ever pull that kinda crap.)
 
Along with all of the good points that have already been brought up, it’s been my experience that many (but certainly not all!) married poly men do not have much bandwidth for the sorts of stuff that makes me eager to date someone new. This is even more common if they have young children/ a pregnant spouse, or not so great hinging skills, or a spouse who gets over-involved in his other relationships, or are brand new to polyamory and haven’t done much research on the topic yet.

For example, can they host at least sometimes? Can we go on vacation together after we’ve been dating for X amount of time? Would he have the time and energy to come over and cook dinner or fold laundry or otherwise help out when my health issues occasionally flare up? Would I be allowed to do the same for him? Can we celebrate the holidays together? Can we make longterm life plans together? Can we talk about each other openly on social media? Can he introduce me to his friends/family as his romantic partner?

(Not every polyamorous person needs or wants any of these things, of course. It’s totally valid to want other things or to stick to light, fluffy FWB-type arrangements. I’m simply talking about what works best for me here).

But I am not interested in starting a new relationship with someone who keeps me a secret or only wants a FWB sort of arrangement.

I’m demisexual and sometimes disabled. My energy levels are good most days but very limited on the bad ones, and it takes me a while to become comfortable having sex with someone new even if I do think that nurturing that relationship is a smart idea.

So back when I was looking for new potential new partners I moved slowly and carefully feel out how compatible we might be with each other because I know not everyone is going to be okay with those things or interested in the same sorts of relationship-y stuff I am.
 
For example, can they host at least sometimes? Can we go on vacation together after we’ve been dating for X amount of time? Would he have the time and energy to come over and cook dinner or fold laundry or otherwise help out when my health issues occasionally flare up? Would I be allowed to do the same for him? Can we celebrate the holidays together? Can we make longterm life plans together? Can we talk about each other openly on social media? Can he introduce me to his friends/family as his romantic partner?

Alluvion's comment above is really interesting because I think this is the crux of what we are talking about. Why might married poly MEN not be available (or not be perceived as available) for the above things, but married poly WOMEN are available for such? Or the people (men?) seeking to date married poly women are NOT looking for the above, yet those (women?) seeking to date married poly men ARE looking for the above?

And also, as was part of SeasonedPoly's original question, why does it seem that married poly men are not often dating other married poly women? (Or is that our misperception based on the types of questions posted on this forum?)

I am oversimplifying / generalizing the gender dynamics, of course, and disregarding queer/bi/trans/non-binary folks in my oversimplification, because I think we are talking about the gender dynamics in hetero poly relationships, mostly.
 
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