MonoVCPHG
New member
Fantastic point!
Which way to turn?
- Thread starter Mohegan
- Start date
Fantastic point!
Mohegan
New member
Rough day. My husband took me and his girlfriend to a club last night. Had a fairly goodtime. Went to a friends house afterwards. Went back to our place to talk and hang out, had some talks that made me realize that after almost a yr of dating, she doesn't really know my husband at all. Kind of bothered me. She stayed the night and I had a hard time sleeping knowing she was in out bed with us. Even though days ago I was all for the three of us messing around. I'm so confused and I hate this feeling. I'm so happy with where our lives are at the moment, yet my heart feels like it is being ripped to shreds. The worst of it is right now I want to turn to the guy I am sort of dating. I just want him to hold me. And that feels like such a betrayal to my husband. It's not right to mix them up together. I'm kind of mess right now.
Morningglory629
New member
Mo-
I hope these last couple of days are better. you are not betraying your husband, you are just seeking some support and attention from your lover. Not so strange. I hope he was able to give that to you. Looking forward to being in your area this weekend. We are definitely going to check out Fells Pt. Take care.
MG
I hope these last couple of days are better. you are not betraying your husband, you are just seeking some support and attention from your lover. Not so strange. I hope he was able to give that to you. Looking forward to being in your area this weekend. We are definitely going to check out Fells Pt. Take care.
MG
Mohegan
New member
Thanks MG-BTW this weekend is Pride weekend in the harbor.Check out OutLoud.com for info on the parade and other events, if that is your type of thing. It will also tell you road closings and such.
Overall I'm still a mess. I've gotten to where I don't trust a word my husband says. Everytime he gets a phone call I'm all up in his business. I'm questioning every woman he talks to,even ones I know aren't his type.
I can't even see a picture of his girlfriend without getting upset.
I don't know where this is all coming from. Why now? Why not a month ago when I found everything out.
My hubby keeps asking what is wrong and I don't know how to answer him. How do I say, "I'm thinking maybe I was wrong and I can't handle all of this. Maybe I shouldn't have decided to try to work it out. Maybe I should just go ahead and get divorced and move back home to my parents and start again." If I'm not sure that's what I want. I keep flip flopping every other minute.
It's not even a matter of jealousy. I'm not jealous of what they have. I'm hurt that I can't trust him. I'm hurt that he's lied about sooooo much I don't how much of any of what he says is the truth. I'm bothered that she looks at him like he's some sort of god. She idolizes him. I really hate pulling the age card, but she's young (legal but young) and has no real experience in adult relationships and I wonder how much she means or understands when she says she loves him. The other night when I learned how much of who he is that she didn't know, was really it for me.
I'm just a big ball of conflicting emotions and I'm so lost as to what I'm going to do.
Overall I'm still a mess. I've gotten to where I don't trust a word my husband says. Everytime he gets a phone call I'm all up in his business. I'm questioning every woman he talks to,even ones I know aren't his type.
I can't even see a picture of his girlfriend without getting upset.
I don't know where this is all coming from. Why now? Why not a month ago when I found everything out.
My hubby keeps asking what is wrong and I don't know how to answer him. How do I say, "I'm thinking maybe I was wrong and I can't handle all of this. Maybe I shouldn't have decided to try to work it out. Maybe I should just go ahead and get divorced and move back home to my parents and start again." If I'm not sure that's what I want. I keep flip flopping every other minute.
It's not even a matter of jealousy. I'm not jealous of what they have. I'm hurt that I can't trust him. I'm hurt that he's lied about sooooo much I don't how much of any of what he says is the truth. I'm bothered that she looks at him like he's some sort of god. She idolizes him. I really hate pulling the age card, but she's young (legal but young) and has no real experience in adult relationships and I wonder how much she means or understands when she says she loves him. The other night when I learned how much of who he is that she didn't know, was really it for me.
I'm just a big ball of conflicting emotions and I'm so lost as to what I'm going to do.
Morningglory629
New member
Cool! Thanks for the info on the parade etc. Should make it even more fun! I love a parade!!! If you will be in the area let me know. I check my email and this site alot. We can meetup for a drink!
Must be very strange to try to understand someone with whom you have very little in common. It is great that you are making the effort. You mentioned thoughts of divorce, is there a disconnect because of the other relationships or are there other issues? What is going on with you and your bf? Are he and your husband similar or opposities? Is he giving you the support you need while hubs is in the midst of NRE? I hope so. You deserve it!
Keep a positive focus and do what is best for YOU! Do you and the hubs have children?
Mohegan
New member
MG-I would love to meet up with you, but I've managed to get sick, So I doubt we'll be heading in for the festivities.
The cold meds are kicking in so I hope this makes sense.
No we don't have any children. We both keep going back and forth on if we want a family or not, so for now we spoil the hell out of our nieces.
I was in a really bad place last night, but my husband finaly drew everything out of me and we talked for about 5hrs last night. Mentaly I am in a better place. I hope. We boiled most of it down to I expect a lot out of someone who would be joining our family and I am holding her to even higher standards that she just hasn't had the life experience to reach yet. Knowing that doesn't make it any easier, I still think she's looking for someone to rescue her. But my husband brought a good point, while they've been involved for a yr, a good portion of that was in hiding and only seeing eachother once or twice a week. Unlike us who moved in together right away, before we even dated.
As far as trusting him, I do feel better. I was able to put it all out there. Even things I thought would make him mad, or that he would think less of me for thinking, but h surprised me by being open to all of it. He let me yell, let me explain how little trust I have, and he said he'd continue to do whatever it took and whatever I asked, to get it back.
And then he asked to spend the day thrift shopping with me. He hates to shop, but aside from me being sick and getting worse as the day went on, we had a pretty good day.
The cold meds are kicking in so I hope this makes sense.
No we don't have any children. We both keep going back and forth on if we want a family or not, so for now we spoil the hell out of our nieces.
I was in a really bad place last night, but my husband finaly drew everything out of me and we talked for about 5hrs last night. Mentaly I am in a better place. I hope. We boiled most of it down to I expect a lot out of someone who would be joining our family and I am holding her to even higher standards that she just hasn't had the life experience to reach yet. Knowing that doesn't make it any easier, I still think she's looking for someone to rescue her. But my husband brought a good point, while they've been involved for a yr, a good portion of that was in hiding and only seeing eachother once or twice a week. Unlike us who moved in together right away, before we even dated.
As far as trusting him, I do feel better. I was able to put it all out there. Even things I thought would make him mad, or that he would think less of me for thinking, but h surprised me by being open to all of it. He let me yell, let me explain how little trust I have, and he said he'd continue to do whatever it took and whatever I asked, to get it back.
And then he asked to spend the day thrift shopping with me. He hates to shop, but aside from me being sick and getting worse as the day went on, we had a pretty good day.
Morningglory629
New member
Good to hear that you are in a better place in coupledom! I hope it continues!!! Get well soon, and if you make a miraculous recovery by Saturday night let me know. Staying at the Sheraton Inner Harbor!
SchrodingersCat
Active member
I stand by my opinion. Cheating on your wife and doing things behind her back are not examples of respectful behavior.
Mohegan
New member
The last few weeks have been pretty crazy. I had a pretty bad flare of my fibromyalgia, then hit a nasty depression at which point DH and I discussed divorce, and then got rocked by a nasty bout of bronchitis.
Finaly back to normal, working out again and the only lingering effects of the bronchitis is coughing up along every few minutes.
DH and I spent several nights talking, I had a lot of fears that his GF was playing him. She just wasn't acting right, stories weren't matching up, she was spending a lot of time with her ex, plus the whole fear that she didn't know him at all after a yr of dating.
DH and worked things out and are going strong again. Divorce is not what I want. I want my husband. Not the substitute I've had the last year. And he is doing well at repairing that. I am doing better at verbalizing my needs and understanding that he can't read my mind. I am also learning that my insecurities are mine. Yes some of his actions have exasperated them, but they are mine. I am owning that and taking the steps to fix it. I am working out again, eating right, cutting down on smoking, working on my spiritual health and a lot of meditiation. Because ultimately my insecurities manifested themselves into reality because I let them. I refuse to let that be my reality.
DH and his g/f almost ended a few days ago. She made plans to come here for the day and then had a ton of stories as to why she didn't answer our calls until almost 5 hrs later. We came to find out she was with her ex (and several other friends, but I had a huge issue that she and DH had plans and instead she went to her ex.) I was done, I was ready to pull my veto rights. Which I really have no desire to do. I feel that unless one of us is being abused, or just plan out hurt over and over, then I have no right dicatating who he can or cannot love. But she is doing this over and over I was sick of watching him hurt. She came over the next day and we had it out. Or should I say, instead of my always treading lightly for fear of causing them problems, I told her exactly what I thought of her and exactly what her actions were showing me. It was a looooooong night, but we all expressed how we were feeling. she apologised alot. Still claims her stories of her phone being on silent and falling asleep were legit. I looked right at her and said that was hard for me to believe, looked right at my husband and said "how many times did you use those exscuses with me to stay the night with her, behind my back?" She looked like I had slapped her across the face. And honestly I wanted to. I was so upset that I was accepting and allowing this after all they did to hurt me and this was the thanks I was getting. This is how she was treating the most precious person in my life.
It eventualy came down to she led DH to believe they were ina relationship b/c at times that is what she wants and at other times she wants to be with both of them. Her ex is a liar, a manipulater and one of the worst people I have ever encountered in my life. If she and DH agreed she would see other people I would have no care, but seeing her ex is a care. He has repeatedly threatened my husband, myself and the woman I consider my wife. I do not understand why she is still seeing him, but she says she loves him. And the she loves DH. That she doesn't want to choose b/c She'll lose friendsSeriously? You don't want to leave the man who is threatening the other man you love, the man who has put you in danger over and over b/c you'll lose friends? Get a grip sweetheart.
Grrrr, the whole thing upsets me. So to end the night, she asked, in keeping with being open and honest, if DH was okay if she dated both of them. He told her he didn't know. Then later this week told her if it were someone else, he wouldn't care.
So things are still in the air with him, she sent him an e-mail a few days ago saying she couldn't deal with hurting him and she felt she was being forced to make a decision, but she couldn't yet.
So yeah, DH and I are great, DH and g/f are as okay as they can be at the moment. She and are an unknown. I want to like her, but I can't help but fear she'll just keep hurting him.
As for the guy I thought I may start dating, he seems to have fallen off the face of the planet. I've heard through other friends, he is affraid of causing waves with DH and I, but if he can't at least discuss that with me, I feel I'm better off, and moving on with my life.
Hope everyone enjoys what's left of the the weekend. We here in MD are being hit with a record making heat wave, So I have been confortably sitting in my air conditioning. It was 85 at midnight, plus humidity. Crazy!!I can't wait to move back home to Ohio.
Finaly back to normal, working out again and the only lingering effects of the bronchitis is coughing up along every few minutes.
DH and I spent several nights talking, I had a lot of fears that his GF was playing him. She just wasn't acting right, stories weren't matching up, she was spending a lot of time with her ex, plus the whole fear that she didn't know him at all after a yr of dating.
DH and worked things out and are going strong again. Divorce is not what I want. I want my husband. Not the substitute I've had the last year. And he is doing well at repairing that. I am doing better at verbalizing my needs and understanding that he can't read my mind. I am also learning that my insecurities are mine. Yes some of his actions have exasperated them, but they are mine. I am owning that and taking the steps to fix it. I am working out again, eating right, cutting down on smoking, working on my spiritual health and a lot of meditiation. Because ultimately my insecurities manifested themselves into reality because I let them. I refuse to let that be my reality.
DH and his g/f almost ended a few days ago. She made plans to come here for the day and then had a ton of stories as to why she didn't answer our calls until almost 5 hrs later. We came to find out she was with her ex (and several other friends, but I had a huge issue that she and DH had plans and instead she went to her ex.) I was done, I was ready to pull my veto rights. Which I really have no desire to do. I feel that unless one of us is being abused, or just plan out hurt over and over, then I have no right dicatating who he can or cannot love. But she is doing this over and over I was sick of watching him hurt. She came over the next day and we had it out. Or should I say, instead of my always treading lightly for fear of causing them problems, I told her exactly what I thought of her and exactly what her actions were showing me. It was a looooooong night, but we all expressed how we were feeling. she apologised alot. Still claims her stories of her phone being on silent and falling asleep were legit. I looked right at her and said that was hard for me to believe, looked right at my husband and said "how many times did you use those exscuses with me to stay the night with her, behind my back?" She looked like I had slapped her across the face. And honestly I wanted to. I was so upset that I was accepting and allowing this after all they did to hurt me and this was the thanks I was getting. This is how she was treating the most precious person in my life.
It eventualy came down to she led DH to believe they were ina relationship b/c at times that is what she wants and at other times she wants to be with both of them. Her ex is a liar, a manipulater and one of the worst people I have ever encountered in my life. If she and DH agreed she would see other people I would have no care, but seeing her ex is a care. He has repeatedly threatened my husband, myself and the woman I consider my wife. I do not understand why she is still seeing him, but she says she loves him. And the she loves DH. That she doesn't want to choose b/c She'll lose friendsSeriously? You don't want to leave the man who is threatening the other man you love, the man who has put you in danger over and over b/c you'll lose friends? Get a grip sweetheart.
Grrrr, the whole thing upsets me. So to end the night, she asked, in keeping with being open and honest, if DH was okay if she dated both of them. He told her he didn't know. Then later this week told her if it were someone else, he wouldn't care.
So things are still in the air with him, she sent him an e-mail a few days ago saying she couldn't deal with hurting him and she felt she was being forced to make a decision, but she couldn't yet.
So yeah, DH and I are great, DH and g/f are as okay as they can be at the moment. She and are an unknown. I want to like her, but I can't help but fear she'll just keep hurting him.
As for the guy I thought I may start dating, he seems to have fallen off the face of the planet. I've heard through other friends, he is affraid of causing waves with DH and I, but if he can't at least discuss that with me, I feel I'm better off, and moving on with my life.
Hope everyone enjoys what's left of the the weekend. We here in MD are being hit with a record making heat wave, So I have been confortably sitting in my air conditioning. It was 85 at midnight, plus humidity. Crazy!!I can't wait to move back home to Ohio.
Morningglory629
New member
Mo- great post! You are such a strong woman. It is sooooo hard to fight the insecurity because we think it is a personal reflection on ourselves when someone isn't meeting all of our expectations or needs...why do we do that? UGH! He isn't the measure of your value! You are a very strong and beautiful person, and I am so glad you are being the bigger person in your situation and remembering she is young and confused and finding her way in this too, and that your life and relationship with your husband is better because you are willing to put in the work to make it the best it can be with all of its ups and downs. You are right, he can't read minds, no one can, and learning to communicate exactly what you need and what your fears are and what you cannot handle or do not want is owning your responsibility to yourself in finding what makes YOU happy and the best version of you. You are refusing to let your reality be anything but on your terms...some compromise and alot of patience and compersion, but on your terms! YOU ARE AWESOME!
weekend here is HOT too. But nothing like Baltimore. We had a great time. Next time hopefully you will be healthy and able to meet up with us. We loved Fells and had the best pizza in Little Italy. So if we go again meet us at the Cat's Eye...very cool little pub. You may have to deal with some Irish music!LOL! Stay cool in the ac, and keep posting! Love reading your journey.
I don't have much to contribute on the relationship front. Everyone else is covering it
But I want to acknowledge how brutal fibromyalsia can be. My wife has been working with this disease for many years now and it is a real challenge. Big kudos and support to dealing with it.
Mohegan
New member
I don't have much to contribute on the relationship front. Everyone else is covering it
But I want to acknowledge how brutal fibromyalsia can be. My wife has been working with this disease for many years now and it is a real challenge. Big kudos and support to dealing with it.
Thanks, I was diagnosed at 12, along with a ton of other problems that have been added over the years. My husband jokes that he should have been a Dr instead of a writer, with all he's had to learn about the human body to keep up with my problems, he could have aced the classes.
Fibro is a terrible disease, and the environment here in MD only makes it worse. I was pretty much in remission while we lived in Ohio, within months of moving here I became damn near housebound.
Please give your wife a gentle hug of understanding from me.
Mohegan
New member
Wel things blew up nice and big here last night. It is 10am and I have yet to sleep. Still to pissed off. DH's g/f slept with his best friend sunday night. Husband apparently gave his permission, but was still hit with emotions he wasn't expecting. He went off the deep end and stormed out of the house to cool off. At that time I didn't know he had given permission, so I was pissed at all involved. Esp b/c when we had our big sit down 4 days ago, she said she wasn't interested in sleeping with anyone at the moment as she wanted to get her head straight and emotions in order. And then insteas of having the respect of calling to tell DH, she sent him a facebook message, claiming she called and he didn't pick up.
I am so over her and her childish action. Sleep with whoever you want, if that's what you and DH have agreed on for your relationship, as long as it is safe and nothing comes home to my bed, I don't care. But have common courtesy and respect for the person you claim to love to not send that over facebook!
DH and I ended up getting into HUGE fight tonight over him only telling me half of what was going on, and then not listening to me when I was trying to explain why I was mad. He made his assumptions as to why I was mad and that was the only thing he was hearing.
I don't care who she slept with, I care that her actions are continually contradicting her words. I care that she chose a very impersonal way to tell him. I care that she seems to want to get her head straight and then turns around and adds one more confusing element to the situation.
So I told him I was removing myself from the situation. He was free to continue to date her, but I will no longer be involved. The whole if you can't say something nice thing. I have been trying to find redeeming qualities in her and have failed over and over. And I have given it an honest try. I just don't see what he sees in her and I don't see someone I could have a friendship with, so rather than continualy pick at wounds, I am walking away from it. I'll still be here to support and love him. He's my husband. But for now, I want nothing to do with her.
Sorry, I'm pretty sure most of that made no sense, but I needed to drop it all somewhere, and since DH has decided he's sick of getting yelled at by my wife and other friends, he doesn't want me discussing it with them, I have nowhere to vent but here.
I am so over her and her childish action. Sleep with whoever you want, if that's what you and DH have agreed on for your relationship, as long as it is safe and nothing comes home to my bed, I don't care. But have common courtesy and respect for the person you claim to love to not send that over facebook!
DH and I ended up getting into HUGE fight tonight over him only telling me half of what was going on, and then not listening to me when I was trying to explain why I was mad. He made his assumptions as to why I was mad and that was the only thing he was hearing.
I don't care who she slept with, I care that her actions are continually contradicting her words. I care that she chose a very impersonal way to tell him. I care that she seems to want to get her head straight and then turns around and adds one more confusing element to the situation.
So I told him I was removing myself from the situation. He was free to continue to date her, but I will no longer be involved. The whole if you can't say something nice thing. I have been trying to find redeeming qualities in her and have failed over and over. And I have given it an honest try. I just don't see what he sees in her and I don't see someone I could have a friendship with, so rather than continualy pick at wounds, I am walking away from it. I'll still be here to support and love him. He's my husband. But for now, I want nothing to do with her.
Sorry, I'm pretty sure most of that made no sense, but I needed to drop it all somewhere, and since DH has decided he's sick of getting yelled at by my wife and other friends, he doesn't want me discussing it with them, I have nowhere to vent but here.
Mohegan
New member
Amazin strides in only a few days. DH spent a few hours with his g/f last night and they did alot of talking. She's realizing how her actions are effecting others and is once again attempting to fix it. She is seeking councling for some past traumas and I think thay will go a long way to repairing things all around. Her ex continues his threats, but she is finaly seeing him for who is, and supposedly is not cutting ties only because she doesn't want to be the reason his threats of suicide become reality. I can understand her fear, though I don't agree with her way of dealing with it.
I still am not interested in talking to her. I partialy want to. I want to be there for her. Help her learn. But I part of me feels like I'm not her parent, it's not my responsibility. But I want to be supportive for my husband. So the whole thing just has me confused. I've tried and tried to find something in common with her and I just can't. We come from two totaly different places and are at two completely different stages of life. I know my husband sees something in her, I just can't figure out what it is. I think I'll ask him when he gets home. Maybe that'll help me.
DH and I worked a lot out as well. He is learning how to deal with emotions. Acknowledging them, feeling them, learning how to react to them. He didn't know why he was angry, when he had given permission and then he was later able to understand he was placing irrational fear on his friend.
I also learned I am an original when it comes to how I react to things. I own my emotions, confront them and move on lesson learned. I expect others to be honest, and up front. I don't like having to assume or fill in the blanks. I have a very active imagination and that can cause me problems, so I would just rather know everything up front so I can deal with it. Why would I want to sit here and wonder, when I can know all the grizzly details up front and start working on them?
We are working on him being more open, and I'm learning to ask questions to help him remember to tell me things.
So right now the only thing I have to work on is, being able to handle them sleeping together again. I'm not exactly sure why it bothers me. I think somewhere I cling to the belief that he should only be with me. That I'm okay with one night stands or casual sex partners, but I have a hard time with someone he has an emotional connection with. But why? Why am I affraid of that?
I know he won't leave, that would have happened by now, and honestly I feel there is nothing that will keep someone if they want to go. so what am I worried about? Am I jealous? Maybe of the emotional connection, but that's silly, he and I have an amazing connection and understanding of eachother.
And this is why I love writing this all out. I don't care if other people read it or have something to say on it , though I appreciate the feedback, but I get a chance to sort out my head in a way I don't in journaling.
I think my biggest fears are that she'll end up pregnant or they'll experience something together that he and I haven't and I feel it's my "right" as his wife to get to experience that with him.
LOL wow, cuz that's not pathetic or anything. I guess another way to look at it is that if they do experience something he and I haven't it is special for them, helping them buld something together. He and I have experienced a lot together in and out of the bedroom, so I guess it's a little selfish to not want him to have that with her as well.
Hmmm I feel better now. Guess I have a lot to talk with him about tonight.
I still am not interested in talking to her. I partialy want to. I want to be there for her. Help her learn. But I part of me feels like I'm not her parent, it's not my responsibility. But I want to be supportive for my husband. So the whole thing just has me confused. I've tried and tried to find something in common with her and I just can't. We come from two totaly different places and are at two completely different stages of life. I know my husband sees something in her, I just can't figure out what it is. I think I'll ask him when he gets home. Maybe that'll help me.
DH and I worked a lot out as well. He is learning how to deal with emotions. Acknowledging them, feeling them, learning how to react to them. He didn't know why he was angry, when he had given permission and then he was later able to understand he was placing irrational fear on his friend.
I also learned I am an original when it comes to how I react to things. I own my emotions, confront them and move on lesson learned. I expect others to be honest, and up front. I don't like having to assume or fill in the blanks. I have a very active imagination and that can cause me problems, so I would just rather know everything up front so I can deal with it. Why would I want to sit here and wonder, when I can know all the grizzly details up front and start working on them?
We are working on him being more open, and I'm learning to ask questions to help him remember to tell me things.
So right now the only thing I have to work on is, being able to handle them sleeping together again. I'm not exactly sure why it bothers me. I think somewhere I cling to the belief that he should only be with me. That I'm okay with one night stands or casual sex partners, but I have a hard time with someone he has an emotional connection with. But why? Why am I affraid of that?
I know he won't leave, that would have happened by now, and honestly I feel there is nothing that will keep someone if they want to go. so what am I worried about? Am I jealous? Maybe of the emotional connection, but that's silly, he and I have an amazing connection and understanding of eachother.
And this is why I love writing this all out. I don't care if other people read it or have something to say on it , though I appreciate the feedback, but I get a chance to sort out my head in a way I don't in journaling.
I think my biggest fears are that she'll end up pregnant or they'll experience something together that he and I haven't and I feel it's my "right" as his wife to get to experience that with him.
LOL wow, cuz that's not pathetic or anything. I guess another way to look at it is that if they do experience something he and I haven't it is special for them, helping them buld something together. He and I have experienced a lot together in and out of the bedroom, so I guess it's a little selfish to not want him to have that with her as well.
Hmmm I feel better now. Guess I have a lot to talk with him about tonight.
Morningglory629
New member
Mohegan- I truly laugh out loud reading your posts...you are a funny lady. I can actually hear you arguing with yourself (and them) and then talking yourself down from whatever height of anger or insecurity you have had. Not that the insecurities are funny-they're not, they are real and we all experience them- but the way you articulate and share your innerself here is just very amusing. I imagine that you are the life of the party when you are in the zone! Damn! I wish we could have had that drink!
Mohegan
New member
Thanks MG. I needed that laugh. I'm dissapointed we didn't get to have that drink either. Maybe one day. I love sorting it all out on here. I appreciate all the ffedback I get, but I process differently on here. I know people will be reading it, which doesn't change what I say/think, but it does change the way I explain it. And in a way that helps more than journaling. Explaining it to others allows me to step away from it and look at it as someone on the outside. Reading back through it shows me where I was and where I am and helps me remember things that my fibro fog (what we with fibro term the memory loss and confusion we are riddled with) has taken away. And it also shows me that when I am trying to get it all out, or on pain meds, I have NO ability to type/spell correctly. I just have to laugh at myself sometimes. It's nice to know others do as well.
In other news DH and I are communicating really well. We talked again last night about the things I have posted. I communicated my fears and he wasn't sure how to react. He said they would obviously experience things new and different because she and I are different and their relationship is different. I can accept that academicaly. Just not sure how to accept emotionaly.
So I asked him to think about why he loves her, why he loves me, ways we are similar and ways we are different. He was really tired, but gave me some feedback and then said he'd give me more when he had time to think about it. Which is fine, I wasn't expecting as much as I got last night anyway.
But I felt good about it. I feel better with things. I think he has a better understanding of my fears and I have a better understanding of his feelings.
I'm still not ready to reach back out to her, but I am working on that. I don't know that we'll ever be the best of friends, but I would like to end the awkwardness that is always there. I feel like she has this false persona when she is around me and that drives me crazy. How am I supposed to get to know you, if you don't introduce you to me. DH says it is because I intimidate her. Which makes sense. I have a very blunt almost caustic personality at times. I'm strong in my beliefs and weakness really bothers me. So I can see the intimidation factor. But I've gone out of my way to welcome her into my home and my relationship and I feel like I am greated by a brick wall everytime. It's hard for me to not wanna take a sledge hammer to instead of wait for her to take it down.
Well I have another load of laundry to go get, hope everyone has a great Friday.
In other news DH and I are communicating really well. We talked again last night about the things I have posted. I communicated my fears and he wasn't sure how to react. He said they would obviously experience things new and different because she and I are different and their relationship is different. I can accept that academicaly. Just not sure how to accept emotionaly.
So I asked him to think about why he loves her, why he loves me, ways we are similar and ways we are different. He was really tired, but gave me some feedback and then said he'd give me more when he had time to think about it. Which is fine, I wasn't expecting as much as I got last night anyway.
But I felt good about it. I feel better with things. I think he has a better understanding of my fears and I have a better understanding of his feelings.
I'm still not ready to reach back out to her, but I am working on that. I don't know that we'll ever be the best of friends, but I would like to end the awkwardness that is always there. I feel like she has this false persona when she is around me and that drives me crazy. How am I supposed to get to know you, if you don't introduce you to me. DH says it is because I intimidate her. Which makes sense. I have a very blunt almost caustic personality at times. I'm strong in my beliefs and weakness really bothers me. So I can see the intimidation factor. But I've gone out of my way to welcome her into my home and my relationship and I feel like I am greated by a brick wall everytime. It's hard for me to not wanna take a sledge hammer to instead of wait for her to take it down.
Well I have another load of laundry to go get, hope everyone has a great Friday.
This is a great conversation to go through. I have gone through alot of why is this happening conversations with both of them. But I haven't actually asked DH to answer those exact questions. We are on a good path right now but it might not be the worst idea to keep things going with them. Thanks for sharing this Mo!
sage
New member
Last edited:
Mohegan
New member
Oh the tangled webs we weave!!! I feel like I have transported back to grade school. He took my crayon! I'm telling! You made me mad by not playing the way I want to, so I'm taking my ball and going home!!
This whole thing has just gotten rediculous!!! I think my husbands friend is delusional!! He called today expecting my husband to apologize for going to his house while he was having a date night with my husbands girlfriend!! WHAT!! She didn't even know it was a date night!! Friend invited him over the night before and there was like 6 other people there and she invited my husband over again cuz he wasn't there yet. And then his friend accused him of having a dominance play. Supposedly G/f was on D/h's lap and they were kissing. Friend told her to come back over to him, he claims D/H put his hand on her neck, held her down and told friend "she doesn't seem to be complaining." My husband is VERY particular about not touching peoples necks. Myself, his g/f and him have all had issues resulting from being choked and he doesn't do that to ANYONE. Secondly, she's his F'ing girlfriend, so where does your delusional ass get off telling her what to do in the first place!! To top it all off when friend took her home last night, he asked to be her primary and got pissed off when she said no!!! Mr I have a different woman everynight, Mr I won't commit in anyway, Mr love is all a joke!!! This man has me laughing at him, angry at him and confused as all hell all at once!!
After a lot of yelling most him at DH and him at Dh's G/f, he called back and apologized.
Human beings are not objects to be owned or fought over. The sooner people figure this out, the better off we'll all be.
I'm just getting so tired of all the drama.
And sorry to be blunt, warning nc-17 comment ahead-----She must have a vagina made of candy to have all these men creatig all this drama. And DH must be the candy man, cuz he's the only one not acting like he owns her or like she owes him anything. He's treating her like...gasp...a person!!
I can't even believe I'm defending her, but I just find all of this to be so rediculous!!!!
On the plus side, DH is going to set up an account on here. He was nervous at first, he felt he would be stepping into the only place I have to vent, but I don't mind it at all. I have nothing to hide. I tell him every thought that goes through this pretty little foggy brain. And I honestly think it may help things. We are both writers and tend to express better that way. So it may give us a little more understanding of the other.
Which brings me to what I wanted to tell Sage:
I write e-mails A LOT. While I do appreaciate face to face, I express much better in an e-mail. I usualy will send her one to address the issue, we'll talk in person to further cover it and reach resolution, and I'll e-mail again to follow up. I write to my husband all the time as well. I don't handle embarrassment well, so when I am wanting to discuss things that may lead to it, or I'm not sure how to bring up, he gets mail, then comes and talks to me. That's just how I work. I HATE the phone. I rarely call my own mother, I e-mail her too, and aside from my husband, she's my best friend. yes some things are better said over the phone if in person isn't possible, but writing allows you to think about what you say, and working to find a resolution, instead of reacting and fixing nothing.
I unfortunatly can't see where you are coming from, if your DH get's a g/h closer to home. We were talking poly long before this whole mess happened, my issues stem from how it came about, not what it is. So I am supportive of him having a g/f. She helps fill the needs I don't, we are actualy very similar, so maybe we just provide him with an over abundance of fulfilled needs And I myself have had an issue with monogomy, until DH came along. While I never cheated, I always wondered why we are expected to only love one person? But I encourage you to listen to your heart and TALK. Communication is sooooooo very important in any relationship, even more so in the poly world. Be you and own it. No one has a right to complain when you are being true to you.
Hope everyone enjoys their weekend!! My wifes husband is on leave for the weekend and it is a surrogate moms b-day so we will be partying pretty hard all weekend! Wishes for a drama free weekend would be fabulous
This whole thing has just gotten rediculous!!! I think my husbands friend is delusional!! He called today expecting my husband to apologize for going to his house while he was having a date night with my husbands girlfriend!! WHAT!! She didn't even know it was a date night!! Friend invited him over the night before and there was like 6 other people there and she invited my husband over again cuz he wasn't there yet. And then his friend accused him of having a dominance play. Supposedly G/f was on D/h's lap and they were kissing. Friend told her to come back over to him, he claims D/H put his hand on her neck, held her down and told friend "she doesn't seem to be complaining." My husband is VERY particular about not touching peoples necks. Myself, his g/f and him have all had issues resulting from being choked and he doesn't do that to ANYONE. Secondly, she's his F'ing girlfriend, so where does your delusional ass get off telling her what to do in the first place!! To top it all off when friend took her home last night, he asked to be her primary and got pissed off when she said no!!! Mr I have a different woman everynight, Mr I won't commit in anyway, Mr love is all a joke!!! This man has me laughing at him, angry at him and confused as all hell all at once!!
After a lot of yelling most him at DH and him at Dh's G/f, he called back and apologized.
Human beings are not objects to be owned or fought over. The sooner people figure this out, the better off we'll all be.
I'm just getting so tired of all the drama.
And sorry to be blunt, warning nc-17 comment ahead-----She must have a vagina made of candy to have all these men creatig all this drama. And DH must be the candy man, cuz he's the only one not acting like he owns her or like she owes him anything. He's treating her like...gasp...a person!!
I can't even believe I'm defending her, but I just find all of this to be so rediculous!!!!
On the plus side, DH is going to set up an account on here. He was nervous at first, he felt he would be stepping into the only place I have to vent, but I don't mind it at all. I have nothing to hide. I tell him every thought that goes through this pretty little foggy brain. And I honestly think it may help things. We are both writers and tend to express better that way. So it may give us a little more understanding of the other.
Which brings me to what I wanted to tell Sage:
I write e-mails A LOT. While I do appreaciate face to face, I express much better in an e-mail. I usualy will send her one to address the issue, we'll talk in person to further cover it and reach resolution, and I'll e-mail again to follow up. I write to my husband all the time as well. I don't handle embarrassment well, so when I am wanting to discuss things that may lead to it, or I'm not sure how to bring up, he gets mail, then comes and talks to me. That's just how I work. I HATE the phone. I rarely call my own mother, I e-mail her too, and aside from my husband, she's my best friend. yes some things are better said over the phone if in person isn't possible, but writing allows you to think about what you say, and working to find a resolution, instead of reacting and fixing nothing.
I unfortunatly can't see where you are coming from, if your DH get's a g/h closer to home. We were talking poly long before this whole mess happened, my issues stem from how it came about, not what it is. So I am supportive of him having a g/f. She helps fill the needs I don't, we are actualy very similar, so maybe we just provide him with an over abundance of fulfilled needs
And I myself have had an issue with monogomy, until DH came along. While I never cheated, I always wondered why we are expected to only love one person? But I encourage you to listen to your heart and TALK. Communication is sooooooo very important in any relationship, even more so in the poly world. Be you and own it. No one has a right to complain when you are being true to you.Hope everyone enjoys their weekend!! My wifes husband is on leave for the weekend and it is a surrogate moms b-day so we will be partying pretty hard all weekend! Wishes for a drama free weekend would be fabulous
Karma
New member
Wow.... you people have written my wife a freakin book's worth of support and advice here.
Thank you. I'm not too sure if you all realize how much you've helped us both. Particularly LR and RedPepper... Pepper, I have to admit, your comments pissed me of when I first read them, but in trying to defend myself and justify my actions, I came to realize that one of my best friends, the woman Mohegan calls her 'wife', has a very similar approach to talking about things. I realized that if you hadn't have ben talking about me, I probably wouldn't have been quite as angry... which lead me to explore exactly why you made the comments you made, and why they made me angry. Interesting bit of self-analysis, there.
LR, your story helped me put into words a lot of thoughts and emotions that I simply was unequipped to to put into words on my own. Due to a pretty screwed up childhood, I have a borderline case of Antisocial Personality Disorder - I go through periods of time where the only real emotions I feel are either amusement or anger. Mohegan - and very recently, my gf - are the only people who have ever been able to help me when I'm in one of those mindsets. Basically, they MAKE me love them. I can't help it, resistance is futile
So, due to these periodic bouts of no real emotion, and basically cutting myself off from feling deep emotions even on the best of days, I have a REALLY hard time dealing with or understanding emotions, in general. To elaborate, I understand Mohegan pretty darn well at this point - I know how she thinks, what's going to make her mad, ect. - but until recently, I had no basis for understanding WHY certain things provoked a particular emotion from her, or, in some cases, what that emotion really felt like.
I've recently been doing some serious rediscovery/recovery work on myself, and I'm feeling emotions again after a good 15 years or so. Got my first real brush with jealousy the other night when gf slept with a good friend of mine - with permission.
I flipped out completely. I thought I would be cool with it. I had no clue that I would respond with jealousy, and absolutely no idea how to handle the emotion. I ended up walking the streets of our not-so-safe neighorhood at 3 AM hoping that someone was dumb enough to try and mug me.
In case you were wondering, this is a stupid way to handle jealousy
So, long story short, I'm discovering that I have the emotional experience of a sixteen year old boy - at 29 years old. I'm in love with two women, one of which is also trying to figure herself out... well, both of which are trying to figure themselves out. They both love me and are trying their best to help me in return... it's chaotic, I have moments of this crazy fear when my brain decides to play out the absolute worst-case scenario about gf, simply based on me not knowing whats going on with her at that point in time, almost none of which has been founded on anything realistic... but in spite of all the insanity, I'm actually happy with Mohegan, with gf, and with myself at the moment.
"This is my family. It's little, and broken, but still good. Yeah, still good."
Thank you. I'm not too sure if you all realize how much you've helped us both. Particularly LR and RedPepper... Pepper, I have to admit, your comments pissed me of when I first read them, but in trying to defend myself and justify my actions, I came to realize that one of my best friends, the woman Mohegan calls her 'wife', has a very similar approach to talking about things. I realized that if you hadn't have ben talking about me, I probably wouldn't have been quite as angry... which lead me to explore exactly why you made the comments you made, and why they made me angry. Interesting bit of self-analysis, there.
LR, your story helped me put into words a lot of thoughts and emotions that I simply was unequipped to to put into words on my own. Due to a pretty screwed up childhood, I have a borderline case of Antisocial Personality Disorder - I go through periods of time where the only real emotions I feel are either amusement or anger. Mohegan - and very recently, my gf - are the only people who have ever been able to help me when I'm in one of those mindsets. Basically, they MAKE me love them. I can't help it, resistance is futile
So, due to these periodic bouts of no real emotion, and basically cutting myself off from feling deep emotions even on the best of days, I have a REALLY hard time dealing with or understanding emotions, in general. To elaborate, I understand Mohegan pretty darn well at this point - I know how she thinks, what's going to make her mad, ect. - but until recently, I had no basis for understanding WHY certain things provoked a particular emotion from her, or, in some cases, what that emotion really felt like.
I've recently been doing some serious rediscovery/recovery work on myself, and I'm feeling emotions again after a good 15 years or so. Got my first real brush with jealousy the other night when gf slept with a good friend of mine - with permission.
I flipped out completely. I thought I would be cool with it. I had no clue that I would respond with jealousy, and absolutely no idea how to handle the emotion. I ended up walking the streets of our not-so-safe neighorhood at 3 AM hoping that someone was dumb enough to try and mug me.
In case you were wondering, this is a stupid way to handle jealousy
So, long story short, I'm discovering that I have the emotional experience of a sixteen year old boy - at 29 years old. I'm in love with two women, one of which is also trying to figure herself out... well, both of which are trying to figure themselves out. They both love me and are trying their best to help me in return... it's chaotic, I have moments of this crazy fear when my brain decides to play out the absolute worst-case scenario about gf, simply based on me not knowing whats going on with her at that point in time, almost none of which has been founded on anything realistic... but in spite of all the insanity, I'm actually happy with Mohegan, with gf, and with myself at the moment.
"This is my family. It's little, and broken, but still good. Yeah, still good."