In the garden

It's been ONE DAY that Iris has been back from her trip away and already, drama. It is largely Puck's fault this time but as always, it's having flow on effects. When it comes to her, he's an absolutely shit hinge but then that's also because as a mono person she's a rather shit polycule member. Still, this time, it is rather on him for saying he would do a thing, then not doing it (which I'd posit is that subconsciously he didn't really want to be doing it). But consequently, he's so distracted following their fight he's dropped one of our balls, too. I'm probably not the only one experiencing flow on effects, but I'm beginning to feel very unsure that I can maintain our current relationship agreements when there's always some kind of bullshit happening with Iris.

This is venting. He means too much for me to end our relationship, but with Iris back, there needs to be an adjustment of agreements so that I don't feel let down when he can't do something on this side because of yet another drama on their side.

(I'm still not over her fighting with him on our anniversary last year.)
 
It's been ONE DAY that Iris has been back from her trip away and already, drama. It is largely Puck's fault this time but as always, it's having flow on effects. When it comes to her, he's an absolutely shit hinge but then that's also because as a mono person she's a rather shit polycule member. Still, this time, it is rather on him for saying he would do a thing, then not doing it (which I'd posit is that subconsciously he didn't really want to be doing it). But consequently, he's so distracted following their fight he's dropped one of our balls, too. I'm probably not the only one experiencing flow on effects, but I'm beginning to feel very unsure that I can maintain our current relationship agreements when there's always some kind of bullshit happening with Iris.

This is venting. He means too much for me to end our relationship, but with Iris back, there needs to be an adjustment of agreements so that I don't feel let down when he can't do something on this side because of yet another drama on their side.

(I'm still not over her fighting with him on our anniversary last year.)
Ugh, it sucks so much to have a drama llama meta! I hope you can make some boundary changes or something to help you feel more fulfilled.

Pixi and I had a Covid scare this past week. I am triple vaxed, she's double vaxed. She had 3 days of lethargy and joint pain, I had 5 days of those, plus pretty bad nasal congestion (no cough!). But I tested thrice and was negative each time. I felt better yesterday and had to run some errands... Of course I am always masked and physically distance as much as I can on quick only-necessary store runs.
 
I'm honestly a bit concerned about going back to work. I see around 130 students a day and about 150 across a week. And there are issues around managing their learning if we end up with swathes away at any given time because of illness. But I'm really looking forward to my senior classes regardless. I can see the rolls and I know about half the students already and get on well with many of them.

Puck didn't do our call last night or this morning. That's extremely unusual so my brain is in high gear over if he chose yesterday of all times to find this blog or if I've done something else to upset him and he's taking time out to process. Or it could be that there's still stuff he's working through with Iris. Or, or, or...

I'm going in to work today for a while, although right now I'm trying to get the energy to go into work. I had a broken sleep and then pushed a little hard on my bike ride this morning. Doh.
 
Last edited:
I'm honestly a bit concerned about going back to work. I see around 130 students a day and about 150 across a week. And there are issues around managing their learning if we end up with swathes away at any given time because of illness. But I'm really looking forward to my senior classes regardless. I can see the rolls and I know about half the students already and get on well with many of them.

Puck didn't do our call last night or this morning. That's extremely unusual so my brain is in high gear over if he chose yesterday of all times to find this blog or if I've done something else to upset him and he's taking time out to process. Or it could be that there's still stuff he's working through with Iris. Or, or, or...

I'm going in to work today for a while, although right now I'm trying to get the energy to go into work. I had a broken sleep and then pushed a little hard on my bike ride this morning. Doh.
I hope everything is ok with Puck. In any event, YOU will be ok.
 
I've gotten a short call with Puck and he has reassured me that we're all good. I believe him unhesitatingly as there wasn't even a hint of anything contra to that in his body language etc.

About a week ago, I enlisted him in my mission to drink more water. That's usually been a Mike thing (and still can be) but I offered it up to Puck and once he understood what I was proposing, he readily agreed. My average water is now 2L a day. And dear god do I currently feel worse for it 😂. I don't understand at all why I've been so off this week. Today my blood pressure was 115/80 (manual reading) and blood sugars a few hours after lunch were 4.8. I'm healthy but feel bloody awful.

The Viking festival I was making a costume for has been postponed until Easter so on the bright side, I will have time to order nice turtle brooches online. I made a belt today but it's not very sturdy, we'll see how it looks when I try everything on again.

I am about to go learn how to make button holes on my sewing machine for a small project for Adam. God bless YouTube.
 
This thread is something I wanted to add a comment on here, in my space.

I'm pretty sure I've been on both sides of this, to varying degrees. Generally, it means that something didn't mesh to my hoped/expected level (or his). Occasionally it means that I just wanted to *know* what that person was like "in bed" and once I've found out, and it wasn't spectacular, I can take or leave the follow up. It wasn't planned ahead of time, it just wasn't something I wanted to grow.

In contrast, my enduring relationships are... precisely that. Mike, Adam, Puck, Siege, and the now passed Tech and Trask. I'm still seeking out the possibility of more people who will come mean that much to me. Sometimes, the connection during sex is that marker. Other times it's not, but by God there must be something else that connects us.

It's all kinda hit and miss, and sometimes, I hope for a hit but... it's just not.
 
Last edited:
Hi all. Since I wrote this I've had a wee bicycle accident (thank god for helmets) and am too fuzzy to reply to that nonsense. Could you guys please help out a little. Cheers.
 
Hi all. Since I wrote this I've had a wee bicycle accident (thank god for helmets) and am too fuzzy to reply to that nonsense. Could you guys please help out a little. Cheers.
I hope you're resting comfortably and healing, Evie!

That guy is... different. Hopefully he will take his skewed old-fashioned ideas and move on soon. If not, we're in for a long argumentative troll-like trip...
 
After a small hiccough I got my booster today. I'm feeling rough already, but honestly, a little reflexology works.

Puck is about to attempt a dramatic set of life changes in order to get himself back to the mental-physical-emotional place that he wants to be. God I hope it makes a real impact. So far it's been a snail in the well situation for months and months and I am struggling to know what's what. But then, he is too. We are just two humans trying to do the best we can each and every day.

I made a new friend at work at she came over on Friday night. We talked for hours, and after Adam got home, she went and had a chat with him out in the study (since her subject is what he used to teach when did that for all of a year or two long before I met him). I hope to become really good friends with her. She's brand new to our little town (actually, she got Enigma's job), and I feel new here even now, so we'll just form our own little group. Yay, someone to go explore places with! Don't know what I'll nickname her yet, but I'll figure it out in due course.
 
Two and a bit days post booster and I'm still feeling rough. Super glad to know that I'm less likely to have a bad time of it when Omicron finally hits my wee town. I should have done some work prep for today. I'm just not feeling it though. I'll muddle through tomorrow. I'm still better than a reliever teacher (who I'd have to prep work for anyway). I'm capable of winging most things.
 
School is bloody hard work right now. It probably won't get any easier, either. We're in masks and as the novelty wears off the students are becoming worse at wearing them. Couple that with soaring temperatures and overall it's just tough getting through a day.

Puck was a lot more chipper this morning, thank god. It's nice to see him feeling better. Adam is on his rostered off time and will be around a few more days but is then heading north to visit family. I like having the house to myself so I'll enjoy some time alone while he's gone.

I'm not doing great at looking after myself with exercise. Since I fell off my bike one weekend, then got the booster the next, and am just tired during the week, I haven't even been trying. I have been drinking a lot more water, though.

Right, time to go get ready for another day. I'm 43 and fantasizing about retirement. Maybe in a few years when my student loan is paid off I can seriously consider a different job. But right now I need this income since there isn't a lot of other options around here and certainly not for my lack of skills.
 
Today, I am not okay. I was earlier, but I'm already struggling with hopelessness.

Yesterday, I fell and hurt my ankle. I can walk, I got lucky, but it went from being an amazing day to absolutely terrible, so I am still feeling the after effects of that (the pain, adrenaline, squick from the noise I was sure I heard when something inside my body tore a little).

So, I'm going to get up and put on music because that often helps, and do my best to get on with today and drown out that little voice that tells me everything is existentially futile.

UPDATE: I've taken tomorrow off work and I'm processing the guilt I feel about that. But I'm sure it's the right thing to do
 
Last edited:
Yes, it IS the right thing to take off work. I have been following you for several years and, from what I've seen, you are a conscientious person and would not take off if you didn't NEED to.
 
It's midday on Monday of my day off and I'm struggling with my thoughts about work. I feel so inefficacious, and a perpetrator of the terrible experience of schooling that so many students, particularly the neurodivergent, experience. Some of these kids are just so anti-schooling, and I get it, they are a terrible fit for classroom based learning. But we have no other options.

My heart hurts for these kids, and as for me, I feel like I'm becoming a sad, lost person. I still have almost no energy outside of work so I'm desperately missing the sense of a well balanced life. But i really don't have transferrable skills to any other work around here that would pay what I need to maintain this household. Worse, I'm overspending as a crutch, which has only really begun since last winter. And I'm resentful of Adam having that building but I can't go to see Puck.

NZ travel restrictions are starting to ease, but my job means I can't travel until next December/January.

And the worst part is I was actually doing absolutely bloody fine this week until I hurt my ankle. Why has a physical injury caused a descent into mental health misery?

(I'm just venting.)

UPDATE: I had a sort of nap (went straight into dreaming so never properly unconscious) and came to feeling a little better. Then had a Coke, which was notably soothing, and after that I felt like I had a few more spoons. I've managed to get dinner on.

I've talked to Puck a couple of times today, the first I was a mess but he was so understanding and said exactly the right thing. The second, we just hung out and talked about nothing really, except for some hopeful ideas about when I could book tickets (hopefully July, I just want to be confident in not losing them this time.)

Adam has also been around and loving and caring and helpful.

I didn't get much done today and tomorrow will be a bit of a shit show as I am basically not prepping enough for it. But I got through today.
 
Last edited:
I'm glad things got a little better from naps and partner-care. How's the ankle? Did it swell? Did you ice it or anything?
 
The swelling is quite well down this morning. I had iced it immediately, and then a bit more on Sunday night when the swelling got really big.

Last night was insomnia instead. Sigh.
 
I've been having the annoying habit of waking at 5 am lately, no matter what time I go to bed! I like to stay up until at least 11, if not 12, since my partners are night owls. Ugh. Stupid body.
 
Booked a doctor's phone appointment for next Monday to talk though the stress/sleep issues.

Adam and Puck are both being lovely and supportive as I go through this absolute hellish cycle of not having enough energy to be extremely organised so spending all my energy making up for being under organised (I haven't slipped into disorganised, but I'm flirting with it).

I want to be exercising again. I want balanced energy levels and motivation. I want to be a great teacher so my students feel supported and like they can be successful. I need some help getting there because I'm too tired to achieve all this right now.
 
Did you say if you'd had your iron levels checked lately?
 
Back
Top