Ari's Blog - Beginning

It's been a rough few weeks. I have fallen into some old emotional traps. The aa people call it the dry drunk stage (also known as the pink cloud bursting). Emotionally things have been pretty shitty. I have remade a series of mistakes that I promised not to make, and have let people down badly. I hate not learning in he first round.. Or second..

My problem with aa is the fact that everything has a reason or feels like an excuse. Buts it's hard not to see what they say having some truth when they have all been through it, can describe it and in turn.. Well.. I am not someone who is experiencing new stuff. I own my mistakes... Which is why I hate when someone else tells me "it happens to all of us", kinda removes my uniqueness haha

I will be 5 months sober soon... Almost done step 8 and aa is rolling along. Quite proud of how far I have come with my addiction..

Anyways haven't been posting much. My heart just isn't in it. Smoking busy at work, doing some traveling. Back down to Arizona for a few days, then again at the end of the month... Then Dallas and Atlanta. Looks like I get to see some of the statesin the next few months. Been jet setting quite a bit lately. Also looks like I am being moved to the city.. So out of this little party town and time to live in Vancouver. Looking forward to the various social scenes I can get myself involved with there.

Later

Ariakas
 
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Hi Ari
Wow are we that far along in our sobriety. I like it when you say how far you've come because it reminds me how far I've come and your post came through as I was working on the deck in the sun thinking how nice it would be to have a glass of champagne. I used to love a drink on a sunny afternoon.

I'm also glad to know it's a bit hard for you. That's probably not very nice of me but I still find it bloody hard. I'm going to go to a meeting Thursday and hopefully get a sponsor. I think I need one.
 
Yea Ari and Sage! So proud of both of you. Addiction is hard and it is alot of work the first couple of years. Keep it up. I am praying for both of you daily. Sage a sponsor is invaluable for recovery. It is the person that will keep you honest while being a sounding board and support. Family can't be all of that-they add their own pressure and opinions, an outside source is best IMO!

Not sure what emotional traps in which you are finding yourself wallowing, but get up and get out of it/them! You have the tools, you know the jargon, now put your hard head into it!;)
 
Ariakas,

Just a few thoughts, you know I 'gotta jet' at any minute... ;)

- you judge yourself so harshly on very minor mistakes in life, ...Things like ; being a normal human being, that when something bigger happens, you tailspin. Maybe you need to start forgiving yourself ? A good example of this, is what you wrote in your blog last. You mentioned a promise. I dont think anyone ever asked you to promise not to do 'something' or things, ever again.

This is something you have put on yourself......so,..Why ?

- Give up the damn super-cape already. You have kryptonite too. Let go of trying to be Superman, and embrace the fact that being normal, and human is good. You can be normal and make mistakes and find uniqueness in avenues that are much more beneficial to yourself.
Life happens to all of us. :p

New social scenes would be excellent for you, I really believe you need to embrace new people, and new experiences. Don`t be shy to reach out to people. All those various opinions and relations will give you that 360 p.o.v. you really need.

Yep,.gotta jet. TTYL.
 
I will be doing a crap old of traveling for work. And we move around them too. A camping trip looks very very.. Distant right now. Maybe pengrah can do it though.(I will either bein Dallas or Atlanta at that point)
 
SourGirl said:
Ariakas,

Just a few thoughts, you know I 'gotta jet' at any minute... ;)

- you judge yourself so harshly on very minor mistakes in life, ...Things like ; being a normal human being, that when something bigger happens, you tailspin. Maybe you need to start forgiving yourself ? A good example of this, is what you wrote in your blog last. You mentioned a promise. I dont think anyone ever asked you to promise not to do 'something' or things, ever again.

This is something you have put on yourself......so,..Why ?
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Because I have a perfectionist complex. Or whatever you want to call it. I hold myself to a stupidly high standard and than create disappointment around my ow "failures" even when they aren't. Its an ongoing fault of mine. I need to leanr to strive for perfection and not expect it.

- Give up the damn super-cape already. You have kryptonite too. Let go of trying to be Superman, and embrace the fact that being normal, and human is good. You can be normal and make mistakes and find uniqueness in avenues that are much more beneficial to yourself.
Life happens to all of us. :p
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:) *sigh* I know... As much as i know it, it's something I have done since I was very young. It's as big a habit as any I have. Probably easily ties into my superman complex too.

New social scenes would be excellent for you, I really believe you need to embrace new people, and new experiences. Don`t be shy to reach out to people. All those various opinions and relations will give you that 360 p.o.v. you really need.

Yep,.gotta jet. TTYL.
Click to expand...

I have been actually. :) something i am working on...
 
Being normal is way easier... I think we are so set up in our culture to think that we are something special. We are told that as kids... its so much pressure! Then when we have shit to deal with we don't feel special and we get down on ourselves... really we are all doing the same stuff and we are all humanly normal. Take a breath and smile, you are normal and human. :)
 
1 year ago today I met sourgirl online.

Thanks for not letting me off the hook in our debate back then sourgirl. ;)

Ariakas...
 
I told my mother about AA tonight. I had mentioned I had stopped drinking before but not really the steps I was taking. it was one of those moments of familial shock. Questions aotu how much, how often and those types. Tough to answer because I really didn't drink that much in relation to others. I just couldn't stop. So I focussed on that. I also bragged a bit about the woman who pointed me in the right direction.

Actually I thought I had told her, but when I mentioned it again she seemed dumfounded, she knew I had stopped drinking but didn't know about AA... Considering I repeated myself 3 times today on a few topics I am now worrying about her memory. But that's another story. She is aging and has lots of medical problems. Bt her memory is usually sharp as a whit. So maybe I never did tell her... Shrugs...Regardless she has been told again.

Also trying to get her to visit me in Arizona, but the trio may not work out. So in all of my already extensive trips, i might have to plan a trip to onterrible. Either that or try to get her to visit me in vancouver. There are options considering I am likely moving.

Not a poly story, I realize, but it is mothers day weekend. Happy mothers day to all the mothers out there, mine rocks :D
 
Onterrible, good luck with that.

Note on mothers... Mine similarly has a mental block about stuff she doesn't comprehend, such as anything to do with poly or queer culture. Its a mental block I think. Selective memory or selective hearing to begin with. Its almost a choice that she doesn't believe it or understand it, so therefore it doesn't exsist.

Remind me not to be like that when I'm 70. Or earlier... It started at about 60. I wonder if its just getting tired. Tired of taking life in. Its much easier to just let it wash over you and stay in your bubble.
 
Ha ha Ari,

Your mother sounds very similar to mine. She is very close to my eldest daughter and I thought the fact that daughter (Kelly)has been going to AA for a year now would sort of pave the way for my attendance to be accepted. Kelly obviously hadn't told her grandmother in a way that grandmother remembered because she said to me, "Don't be silly, Kelly isn't an alcoholic, she doesn't even drink!"

Then when I rang her today for mothers day she asked me if I was making friends over here. I said that I was getting quite involved with the crowd at AA. To which she replied, "what with alcoholics!" in a horrified tone of voice. This is a woman who prides herself on the purity of her Christian faith. There seems to be a huge stigma around alcoholism for that generation.

I have finally got myself a sponsor so I'm very relieved. I was getting quite lost on my own, very emotional and teary. I've been stuck on step 3 (turning over your will to a god of your understanding). How did that one go for you Ari, you were pretty agnostic in the beginning weren't you?
 
sage said:
Ha ha Ari,

I have finally got myself a sponsor so I'm very relieved. I was getting quite lost on my own, very emotional and teary. I've been stuck on step 3 (turning over your will to a god of your understanding). How did that one go for you Ari, you were pretty agnostic in the beginning weren't you?
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I am still agnostic. I have always believed there is a power greater than myself. I just don't believe conventional religion has been able to define it.

Step 3 is a willingness to do this. It's not a requirement to do it.

The concept of the reasoning behind step 3 is pretty simple on paper

You haven't been doing is right since the beginning
There is something out there that will help you make better decisions
Release that controlling nature of the alcoholic and allow the true director of our lives, to direct.

You will notice a lot of talk in aa about how controlling drunks are. We want to be the director or move the chess pieces ourselves. But we do it badly on our own.

So step 3 is really a statement "I am willing to turn my will over to god as I understand" once you are willing you move on. You will also find the next part almost fake. Start praying. Even if its just the serenity prayer. As a number of old timers in my group say "fake it till ya make it" ...

You need.. Absolutely need... This step to be viable in order to complete step 5 ans step 7. And for me anyways, I needed it to help with the processing of step 4.

Best of luck :)
 
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Oh and on point I forgot. The higher power can be anything greater than yourself. If you are having a problem giving yourself over to "god" you could always use AA as your higher power to get you through the steps.

One of the old timers before he found god used "Group Of Drunks" to give myself a reason to hand over to god.

It's a perception thing. Unless you think you are a greater being, there is always sometng greater who can help.

Hope that made some sense haha
 
http://www.faqs.org/faqs/polyamory/faq-supplement/

I found this tidbit 2 years ago when I first discovered the possibility of me being poly. I was doing some reading online and found it again.

A number of these struck home with some of my actions. Might be good for others to read. Pretty basic stuff, but some relationship red flags. Written in comedy with a lot of serious potential.
 
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