Ari's Blog - Beginning

Thanks Ari

The murky waters are clearing. I thought I had moved through this step but it backed up behind me and showed me that I hadn't really.

The trouble I had wasn't with believing in a higher power but understanding that higher power. I have always come from a new age perspective which in many ways lets you make up a god of your own understanding as you go along. Initially I saw this as a pretty easy thing to transfer to AA, I thought it was the same thing and maybe for some people it is.

As the waters clear I see that for me it isn't. I believe that I used my new age beliefs to support my alcoholic, ego thinking. I've had to re-evaluate my understanding of god and that has caused me a lot of pain. But as I do that things are clearing and becoming easier.

Thanks for your interest and support.
 
Hey Sage, a few things...

First of all, there's no hurry to get through the steps. Some can take a month, some a year, and it's okay whatever it takes. Let it sink in, in its own time.

Higher Power... what gets you up in the morning, what moves you to keep going? It can be something intangible, like a life force or energy, or something tangible. Do you have a view of a mountain where you live? A forest, nature? Sunshine. It could be that. I'm sure you've heard people joke that you can make the coffee pot your HP. It's something outside yourself that you can trust in and say, "Here, I'm letting go of my rigid control, I'm trusting that there is something else that I can surrender to." It can be the group, because you know you can go to a meeting and "dribble and drool" as one friend I know used to say, leave your issues there, connect with others, etc.

Ugh, I'm not very articulate right now, sorry.

I found this agnostic blogger who rewrote the Third Step prayer from the Big Book into something she could live with. Maybe it will help :

I surrender my self-will to the Universe, in order to be built into a recovered addict and to be rendered useful to other addicts and to the Universe. I release to the Universe the bondage of self, that I may better understand my purpose and act on it. I release to the Universe my difficulties, so I can live the program and share my story with addicts who still suffer–using the power, the unconditional love, and the recovered life that a personal relationship with a Higher Power provides. I joyfully surrender today, knowing the sanity and serenity a Higher Power-driven life brings.

https://innerpilgrimage.wordpress.com/2010/10/21/agnostic-third-step-prayer/

I hope you don't mind my adding this to your blog, Ari.
 
Thanks NYCindie

...and Ari sorry to be sort of hijacking your blog with my issues. I hope these things may be of support to you as well. I suppose I should really pick up my old blog here but I have writing pressures from all angels at the moment and the last thing I want is another one.

I don't know if you relate to this Ari but I feel like maybe as AAs we make things more complex than they really have to be. I can relate to everything NYC has said but interwoven with it all is this huge messy story that goes right back to my childhood and brings with it a lot of sadness. This also seems to be a common reality for AAs.

My sponsor gave me a little book last night that deals with the third step in detail I have extracted out of it four things for today that I'm going to focus on:
Faith
Humility
Courage
Surrender

These are all traits that I can believe a god of my understanding would want me to practise.

Have a good day Ari. I will be thinking of you as I go about mine even if we are in very different time zones.
 
hijak away. I don't mind my thread getting some action haha hell we could probably just rename this the AA blog of Ari.. not much poly reporting happening haha

So far.. and I know this, when I stick to AA and work the steps, things feel right and my head stays screwed on. Yes it can seem overly complex but the last thing AA does is tell you to use god to fix everything.

You use god to help you learn the triggers and help you cope with them. Most of us have the same fundamental problems with coping.. which is why serenity is such a big thing.

My story is complex, not one thing made me who I am. I have some history which only 2 or 3 people know and the reality is, those pieces of history created me. I don't even know how those things affected me, but they have. So I have to work my way back and understand how those building blocks affected me. Thats what step 4 to step 8 do.

Its also why people keep re-walking the steps. There is always something missed. :) I have gone back to redo step 5, which I do thursday night with my sponsor. I slipped up and slid backwards in my recovery, even though I did not take a drink... my recovery came to a halt and went backwards emotionally. So back to square one for me.

If I had done it right.. correctly maybe this last round of bullshit wouldn't have happened. I would have had the tools to recognize my own shit and would have been able to stop myself. :(.. *sigh*

I am logic filled in regards to this. AA is super straight forward and very logical..

realization stage
Admit you made a mistake
Realize you really don't control your life and or the pieces in it
What caused you to be like this

coping stage
Make a list of your shit (good and bad)
verbalize it to someone
make amends to those you hurt if it doesn't hurt them

maintenance
keep a daily checklist of your emotional barometer. If you find yourself slipping seek help (remember alcoholics don't have control)
Help others to remind yourself of the work and to help you keep the work up
maintain the contact with your higher power

Its all straight forward and I am surprised isn't taught in school or something. Understanding yourself is at the root of it all. :) Its why honesty is the most important part of AA. If you can't be honest with yourself it will never work.

Sounds like you are findng a mantra that might work for you in step 3 :).. sme of the steps are simply understand the concept and being willing. If you were willing to give yourself over to god.. you are ready for step4 :) (or so I have been told haha).

Sorry about the extra long response. I kind of went overboard and offtopic. Thats stuff thats been on my mind this last few days to a week.
 
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Please don't apologise. For goodness sake, this is your blog, you can write what you like. It will be useful to you and it's useful to me also. I saw that I needed to add honesty to my little list.

And you aren't back to square one, it looks to me like you're just working the programme. We both are and that's a very good thing. No one ever says it is easy or straight forward. It is very individual. :)
 
Forgot to mention' this has been a big week for me. Between one year with sourgirl, I am now at 5 months sobriety.

A good week for doing my step 5 :)
 
Today I am deeply sad. My relationship with sourgirl has come to an end.

So much going through my head.. what I did wrong, what could I have done better.. I love her soo deeply, and we truly had something special. :(

This brings up some of deepest fears and insecurities from drinking..

*sigh*..:(

She is an amazing woman, with everything to offer.. I wish her all the best in her life.. I have no ill will to her decision..

I guess I am at a loss of words. haha.. I can't.. verbalize everything I am feeling..
 
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It is a extremely difficult decision to make. To know when a relationship just doesn`t work anymore.

It has much less to do with who did what wrong, and what could of been right. Sometimes people just aren`t compatible. Doesn`t mean you failed.

You are a wonderful person. :) I have no ill-will towards you at all.

Be well. Enjoy sunny Arizona.

I`ll go back to staying off your blog now,..you know I`d never trash you, but I also want you to feel safe to post somewhere, without my chipping in.
 
Stay strong, Ari.

Sometimes relationships simply have a beginning, middle, and end - and that's the way they're supposed to go. That doesn't mean that anyone failed or that it wasn't meant to be for the length of time it was. It's all good, every bit of it, and letting it go is also part of the gift of the relationship. You've loved, been loved, and learned a lot about yourself, which is one of the best things a relationship gives us -- sometimes I think it's really the whole purpose of being with other people.

((((HUGS))))
 
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Hugs Ari

You seem to be in a very different place over the break-up to Sour girl. Do you think it would serve any purpose for you to look at why the relationship didn't work anymore? Not in terms of getting back together necessarily (although it has happened before), but in understanding more about how you function in relationships.

Has it got anything to do with you changing as a result of quitting the alcohol? Z was a little unsettled when one of his friends suggested that with me doing all work that is required in AA I might outgrow him or change and not be the same person the he loved or that loved him. To date that hasn't happened for us and I don't think it will because I am becoming a calmer, quieter person as a result of AA. Z loves quiet, calm people.

When my ex gave up alcohol however it was a problem for us because I still wanted to have a good time (usually involving alcohol), and he didn't.

Of course if this is all too personal just ignore it. I just thought it might be an alternate route to feeling good again.

Thoughts are with you

Sage
 
Thanks for the support everyone.

Our breakup had nothing to do with my quitting drinking. The reality is, my quitting drinking made things quite amazing for us... Our breakup is due ... Well.. I carry the blame..

I am back in AA actively. I just recently did step 5 and will probably post about some more of that journey. I have a lot of work ahead of me. It was an interesting position to bare my soul.. Good and bad, to someone who doesn't know me. I found it most interesting that we could relate on almost every "defect" which is incredible considering how .. Well.. Fucked up my life is haha

This time I need to continue and complete that work. Ironically there is no completion, so I just need to keep trying to make myself better. I see where a lot of my problems are, and have to learn to handle myself in a more healthy manner. I can't repeat the insanity I went through this last month or when I was drinking...

I fly out tomorrow for Arizona. I will be there two weeks and then voila back in BC . I then move to Vancouver (moving company and all, been 11 years in this never never land, time for me to get out of here)It's going to be a busy few months with possible trips to atlanta and Dallas as well. I want to make a trip to visit some friends, and my mother, but I just need to figure out timing for it all.

Google calendar is still needed even for a "single" poly male haha

Ya ya.. Bad joke I know

Ari
 
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I have finally got my self a sponsor so I'm very relieved.
YEAH! :) That's a great step all in itself Sage. :) Congrats!

I believe that I used my new age beliefs to support my alcoholic, ego thinking. I've had to re-evaluate my understanding of god and that has caused me a lot of pain. But as I do that things are clearing and becoming easier.
Sage, that's awesome too! I think we all find "little things" in our lives that allow us to stick to whatever "coping mechanism" we've created in our lives. It's scary to "step out" and really try something new. It doesn't feel "natural". But-when we do, we inevitably learn wonderful things about ourselves and others!


Today I am deeply sad. My relationship with sourgirl has come to an end.

This brings up some of deepest fears and insecurities from drinking..
I'm sorry my friend. I hope you know-that as ephemeral as "online friends" can be, I count you as a "real" friend and I'm always here if you need to rant, whine, cry, vent, or get a hug.
I thank you for always offering the same.

...that with me doing all work that is required in AA I might outgrow him or change and not be the same person the he loved or that loved him.
I realy believe this happened with Maca and I.
I think that it was nearly the "end" for us. Things seem to be changing and hopefully we can bridge that gap through these changes... but it's a very real risk if one person is actively working for self-growth and the other is not.

I will be there two weeks and then voila back in BC . I then move to Vancouver (moving company and all, been 11 years in this never never land, time for me to get out of here)It's going to be a busy few months with possible trips to atlanta and Dallas as well. I want to make a trip to visit some friends, and my mother, but I just need to figure out timing for it all.

Is that "move" as in you are moving to Vancouver to live? If so :D That will make you easier to visit!!! Maca and I were just figuring the travel time from Spokane to Vancouver and Victoria!!! I really am looking forward to meeting you face to face and reconnecting face to face with the Mon/RP group!!!
 
For the record, yes, I am moving to vancouver. Still not sure on dates, but work is moving me there as early as july and as late as september.

Looks like I will be living downtown to start. Should be interesting, thats my old stomping grounds when I lived in vancouver before. Hoping the old pickup football games are still on haha
 
Sorry RP, I am gonna be stuck in Vancouver. But Victoria is a quick hop on a ferry. Considering my new love of travelling, thats just a quick hop ;)

We also have a new property in Cowitchan bay, I understand thats in the area?
 
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