Author new to poly

T

Tlees

New member
Hi, I am new to polyamory and had some questions. I am not sure where to ask them so this is my introduction.

My pen name is TM Lees/T.M. Dawson and I have three books published. I am writing a book with polyamory elements. Also I think I might be poly but not sure as I was too scared to find out. Please be gentle. Thanks so much!!!!
 
Hi there Tlees, and welcome! You are welcome to ask questions here, in your intro thread, or in Poly Relationships Corner if personal, or General Poly Discussions if more general. I'd just recommend that you ask in one place at a time so we can all keep track of a single thread of replies.

The notion of "being" polyamorous or "doing" polyamory comes up once in a while, and some people feel that it's more like an part of their core identity whether or not they are in any relationships at the time. Other people would describe themselves as doing, or practicing a polyamorous relationship structure and may (or may not) consider themselves as non-monogamous as an identity.

What do you mean by, "too scared to find out"? What are you scared of?
 
I am scared of trying because of failure of relationship mostly.

My question was from a poly standpoint how does a sexual relationship work? What about family life? Holidays? Things like that. I want to know all about it.
 
Well, there's no one size fits all approach to holidays and whatnot, that's the thing about polyamorous relationships, you get to make it work for those involved as you go along.
 
Again, it is up to those involved and the ways they decide to interact. For me, and many members around here who I read about, there are concurrent sexual and/or romantic relationships but with people who are not involved with each other, sexually or romantically. We call this a V shaped relationship. I am the hinge of the V and my partners are the legs. Adam and Puck are not involved with each other.

Puck also has multiple relationships so he is the centre of a star. Most of his partners have other partners, too. So there are other Vs off the network so overall there are zigzags all over the place. Locally to him, the polycule (people involved) know each other and sometimes hang out together, but don't have sexual or romantic relationships with each other. (I'm long distance and haven't been able to visit during the pandemic.)

Triad, live in, share a king bed, all have sex together relationships are pretty rare and difficult to sustain even though they are fairly popularized by media. Around here we tend to advocate for polyamory as more autonomy, not less.
 
Are you interested in poly for yourself, or for your fiction?
 
Looking at your genre, there's probably not going to be a lot of overlap between your writing and your day to day experience lol.

What conversations have you had with your husband? Has there been any talk of opening your relationship at all? Before starting to meet other people who you might date, it's good to talk about detangling and how to communicate so that you don't perceive new people as threats to your relationship.

Some things to think about include personal spending money that you can use for dates that doesn't impact the household finances. Also, division of labour within the household so that one person isn't left doing all the chores while the other is out on a date. Ditto childcare. One of you may start dating before the other, but both of you could/should have people, clubs, hobbies outside the home that are separate from one another. If you both have full lives that don't include doing everything together, you're less likely to get stuck in a scarcity mindset when the other is on a date.

Having time set aside to date your husband can also help kindle your own romance rather than attention often being around any new people.

Be aware that when you start falling for a new person, those feelings and excitement can become a little consuming (and annoying or hurtful to your spouse). Or vice versa if/when he meets someone.

There's so much more, but one step at a time.
 
Greetings Tlees,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.
Here are some books and resources to help you learn more about poly.
I think you'll find that poly is not the same for any two polycules. Each person is a unique individual and by extension, each poly relationship is unique. Some people are "out," and others are "in the closet." And there are many, many ways a sexual relationship can work from a poly standpoint. As I mentioned, it's as unique as the individuals in the relationship. Some people get into group sex, others just have sex with one other person at a time.

Hopefully that answers some of your questions.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
So, so much. But you'll need to be a little more specific with your questions or you'll end up with answers that you don't see any benefit in.
 
Hey Tlees,
There are some specialized things you can learn about poly, such as ...
... but the more basic things are already listed in my previous post. I recommend that you pick a topic, click on it, and make a list of questions that that topic raises for you. Then return to this thread, and ask those questions. It is important to maintain a dialog with the members of this forum, it is what guides you in your learning process, and allows us to notice when there is a particular point you need help on. This will help you both in your writing process, and in trying polyamory in your own life. Good luck!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I forgot to mention. When starting a poly life, one must decide whether to do hierarchical poly, or egalitarian poly.

Hierarchical poly is like when you have one primary partner, a few secondary partners, and perhaps several tertiary partners. The primary partner usually lives with you (nesting partner), the secondary partners get lesser priority in terms of time and attention, and the tertiary partners are very casual and mostly for NSA sex.

Egalitarian poly is like when you have multiple primary partners, and there are no secondary or tertiary partners. Often in this case, all of the partners live with you, but we do have instances (e.g. Dagferi) where for example each of two primary partners lives in a separate domicile, and the hinge takes turns at each home.

No doubt there's other things I forgot. I will mention them when they come to my mind.
 
Another one I forgot is, about the relationship escalator. The relationship escalator (most often seen in monogamous relationships) is when you steadily progress through a series of standard milestones, like first casual dating, then steady dating, then engagement, then marriage, then kids and a dog, then a white picket fence. That sort of thing. Some poly people do this with one of their partners, other poly people avoid the relationship escalator like the plague.

Which reminds me, there is also RA, Relationship Anarchy. This is a rather lengthy topic, but the basic idea is that relationship anarchists eschew rules and labels. Everyone they know is simply referred to as a friend, whether the relationship is romantic or platonic.

That's all I can think of for now.
 
I've thought of a few more things, that you might want to know about polyamory. A lot of this is just vocabulary, but it comes with some thoughts and concepts, about what polyamory is and how it works.

First is the word "polycule." It refers to all the individuals in one's polyamorous network, and how each one is linked to the whole. The simplest kinds of polycule are, a V and a triad. A V is where one person -- a hinge -- is romantically involved with two other people -- the legs. The "leg people" are only platonically connected to each other -- and sometimes they have no contact with each other. A triad is a group of three people where each pair of people -- each dyad -- are romantically connected with each other.

And then there are somewhat more complex polycules, such as the N (two V's) and the quad (an interconnected group of four people). Finally, there can be super complex polycules composed of all kinds of interconnected cells and zigzags, all linked together in one huge -- well, polycule. Some links could be platonic, and others could be romantic. And of course there are polycules that are in between on the scale of complexity. No two polycules are quite the same.

Some polycules are open, and some are closed. A closed polycule is when no new people will be joining the polycule, it is strictly limited to the people already in it. My polycule is a closed V: It might be conceivable that someone new could join our V (making it an N), but realistically, that will probably never happen. My V is also polyfidelitous. Polyfidelity (poly-fi for short) is when you have three or more people in a romantic network, but none of those three (or more) people will have sex (or romance) with anyone outside the network (outside the polycule). In my V, the two men only have sex with the one woman -- the hinge. And she only has sex with us. Polyfidelity.

Finally, I don't think I mentioned "compersion." Compersion, in a word, is the opposite of jealousy. It is when your partner is with someone other than you, having sex and/or romance with that other someone, and instead of being jealous (of your partner and the other someone), you are happy for your partner, and glad s/he is having a good time. Compersion. Compersion is not required, for poly to be successful. It is just a nice perk when it happens. The only thing you need for successful poly is, healthy management of your jealousy.
 
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