BDSM discussion

My last post on this thread got terminated abruptly (work). I was talking about "brats" and my way of dealing with punishments for that intentional behavior. I will say that although it is very powerful (at the right times), I have very rarely, in fact, only once, ever had to do that to LR. She is very obedient. She takes a lot of pride in doing as she is told.

I have many well laid-out plans for her once she gets back here in August. Happy times are coming. :D
 
Some of this may have already been covered, but I'm in a bit too much pain to have the attention span to read through this whole thread. Please take pity on me if you've already covered this.

Karma and I switch off and on who is more dominant in our day-to-day lives, but in the bedroom I tend to be pretty submissive, vanilla, embarrassed and uncertain of what to do. I've always wanted to try new things, but never know where to start or what to try.

We've recently found I enjoy being spanked and having my hair pulled. But I don't know what else to try, nor do I know how to give back to him. Given my fibromyalgia, I've been a bit unsure of things because I am afraid of the pain, but tonight he tried spanking pretty hard and holding me down and it went really well. Apparently the fibro pain takes a backseat to pleasure?

Anyway, I'm looking for some advice on what to try, for either of us. I want to be more adventurous, but I'm always too damn shy to do anything, which is really odd, given my normal day-to-day personality. I'd love to hear any advice or thoughts on ways to get started and in the meantime I'll try to make it through reading this thread before the pain pills kick in. Thanks!
 
Maybe try some sensory deprivation stuff. Being tied up, blindfolded, ear plugs, that kind of thing. Then do some light touching with different things, or harder, as the case may be. Whatever you think you will like. Experiment with it. You could also try some denial of sex in this way, teasing, being made to wait, being forced to cum, or both, as you see fit.

Also some spoken stuff, like swear words, teasing. That sort of thing. Again, creativity is the key.

There is so much online to inspire! Right now I'm into sitting on cakes and destroying toys with my heels while I talk dirty to them. You just never know where things will lead! :D ;)
 
redpepper said:
Right now I'm into sitting on cakes...
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hehe!

My gf and I have used each other as sushi tables.

More recently, I was eating berries and Redi-whip and started feeding her some. Oh, the places that whipped cream went...
 
My involvement in BDSM is extremely limited and focussed. It is something I share with Redpepper. We play in private, and go to public events, which I really enjoy, although I am not sure why. Part of it is that I am proud to be "owned" by her, in body and heart, and I want people to know it. Part of it is also the looks people give us when she is filling the room with the sounds of her flog thumping away on me. And they have great props to use!

I don't find BDSM events to be sexually charged, because of those around me, and find that nakedness losses its lustre in these environments. It's not that I find it disturbing or anything, I just find it uninteresting. I'm more interested in trying to figure out why they do the things they do, rather than trying to look at their bodies.

I do not explore BDSM online through things like Fetlife. I am basically disturbed by the open sexuality I see because it often involves people soliciting each other, and often my friends have very revealing profiles. Public events have good rules to limit the sexual nature of play, which I find comforting. Online is almost completely open and very sexually graphic.

Seeing strangers engaged in sex acts is perfectly fine with me, i.e., porn is a turn on. I see the people as mere bodies interacting. I don't want to see my friends in a sexual way. I don't care what their tits and penises look like and I don't care what they get off on sexually. It's a level of intimate knowledge I don't need or desire. I am interested in why they partake in certain forms of BDSM, however.

So why do I truly like BDSM play? I understand why I enjoy things like heavy impact and being bound. I achieve depth and love in relationships through trust. I achieve greater levels of trust through making myself more vulnerable. In BDSM, when I surrender the ability to hear, move, and see to Redpepper, I am making myself very vulnerable and therefore giving her the opportunity to hurt me beyond my control and ability to protect myself. It is a risk, but one that builds trust. More trust equals more love for me. So my journey revolves around finding ways to make myself more vulnerable to her, which only serves to increase my love for her.
 
MonoVCPHG said:
I understand why I enjoy things like heavy impact and being bound. I achieve depth and love in relationships through trust. I achieve greater levels of trust through making myself more vulnerable. In BDSM, when I surrender the ability to hear, move, and see to Redpepper, I am making myself very vulnerable and therefore giving her the opportunity to hurt me beyond my control and ability to protect myself. It is a risk but one that builds trust. More trust equals more love for me. So my journey revolves around finding ways to make myself more vulnerable to her, which only serves to increase my love for her.
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I was thinking about that the other day too. It really does seem to be all about trust, on both sides. That trust builds intimacy. I'm still new on this journey and I have no idea where it will lead me yet.
 
Derbylicious said:
It really does seem to be all about trust, on both sides.
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For some it is. For some it is a way to achieve or add to sex. The motivations seem incredibly individual, as do the levels of seriousness towards it as a culture and community.
 
Mon, that last paragraph was AWESOME, and it was a PERFECT explanation of how I feel! You rock!

I make myself more vulnerable because its a risk. And if the other person (Maca) follows through appropriately, it builds trust and we become closer, much, much closer. The depth of our intimacy is greater, our connection is stronger, our understanding of one another is better.
 
Hey, I was on Fetlife tonight, trying to avoid the new photos of my friends and the pics of their pussies, tits and cocks, and almost wrote a wall message of how distasteful I think it is. I refrained, as it's my opinion, and me who has the problem, and I realized I just need to get off there.

Anyone know of another site that is less in your face and leaves something to be desired when it comes to courting others into play, doing scenes and talking about our quirky fetishes and kinks?
 
I have a profile on Fet but only use it if someone wants to direct me to some pix. I DETEST that site. There is just way too much drama and for some reason it feels like a meat market instead of a networking/socializing site. Since internet, for me, is a way to socialize and gather information I tend to avoid online drama like the plague!

There is another site, which I can't remember the name of offhand, that is very similar. I have a profile there as well, but I don't use it, either. Every time I finally get interest on something there they take it offline. Apparently, this last time was totally different, because their server crashed and burned. It is also not drama-less.

I DO have some yahell groups which are relatively drama free. The majority of the pix are posted on the group's web page so very rarely show up in the emails themselves. A couple of these groups are mixed, for Dominants and s-types. The others are for s-types only. If anyone wants them, just let me know and I'll send them along if I'm not on my phone. One of the groups even directs political and religious talks to their debate list so the group does stay drama free.

I did use PalTalk at one point amd the rooms I frequented on there were more like a group of friends getting together to talk about common interests. I rarely have the time for it anymore so don't even have it on my computer now. Although if anyone is interested I'm sure it wouldn't take long for me to figure out the new ins and outs. lol

Warning about this one, some rooms (especially gender-specific rooms) will ask for a quick cam or vocal so they can make sure you are who/what you say you are. A lot of rooms really frown upon using text as the main way of communicating since there is a reason it's called PalTALK--they prefer the main to be via mic.

Slightly different topic-- I belong to a polyamory group designed specifically for women. Trans gender females (pre & post op) are welcome as well, as long as they live their day-to-day lives as women.
 
redpepper said:
I was on fetlife tonight trying to avoid new photos of my friends, and almost wrote a wall message of how distasteful I think it is. I realized I just need to get off there.

Anyone know of another site that is less in your face and leaves something to be desired when it comes to courting others into play, doing scenes and talking about our quirky fetishes and kinks?
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I wish Fet would add slight options for ratings. So if a photo is X, you can choose to see G, for example. I could care less about seeing people's kibbles and bits, but I completely understand the idea of not wanting to. :)

My kibbles and bits will never be on there. haha

I definitely don't find Fet to be a meat market. Maybe it's my region, but it's a very cool site with some interesting forum implementation ideas. You can even change the color if you REALLY hate the black.

It is immature for its size, but technically a great startup idea. If only the owner wasn't soooo open source, he may be able to hire more programmers to get some great ideas implemented.
 
I'm just beginning to explore with my husband (S), and talking about exploring it with A. I am completely enthralled at the moment by the intense emotions brought up by my husband hitting me. I spend all my time thinking about it. I've spent the last 12 years enjoying doing subtle things like sitting at my husband's feet, instead of beside him, but it always freaked him out a little. My birthday present from him this month though was a set of leather wrist restraints and a flogger. I am so amazed at how much he has learned to understand me, become so willing to challenge himself and any worries he has, and that he seems so excited about it now, too. I'm sorry if I'm repeating something I've already said on here. Did I mention I'm excited and emotional?
 
Confused said:
I'm just beginning to explore with my husband (S), and talking about exploring it with A. I am completely enthralled at the moment by the intense emotions brought up by my husband hitting me. I spend all my time thinking about it.
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I remember that feeling. Someone told me I was stuck in "sub frenzy."

Confused said:
I've spent the last 12 years enjoying doing subtle things like sitting at my husband's feet instead of beside him but it always freaked him out a little. My birthday present from him this month though was a set of leather wrist restraints and a flogger.. I am so amazed at how much he has learned to understand me, become so willing to challenge himself and any worries he has and that he seems so excited about it now too. I'm sorry if I'm repeating something I've already said on here.. did I mention I'm excited and emotional?
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It was an interesting road to take-- dragging him kicking and screaming into bdsm. "But honey, I WANT you to beat me," because it went against his nature. Now he loves it. I'm glad we walked into it together.

Tonight I get to Top someone for the 2nd time. I am excited and nervous at the same time. There's a sadistic bitch inside me, and tonight I get to let her out. :)
 
As much as I would rather have LR with me, I can truly say that what I've learned about mental Domming from a distance is becoming a real addition to our D/s relationship. I'm very excited to put both those worlds together at the same time, in the same place. The emotional and sexual build-up is so intense. I'm new to Domming, and there is lots more to learn and grow into, but the places that we have gone and the places I will take us... Wow. :cool:

Maca
 
Fetlife is definitely "the" BDSM meeting place. Everyone seems to find it at some point, and when they realize how active it is, they don't tend to keep looking. Even little Saskatoon has a heavy presence there, and we're not exactly the most progressive city!!

FWIW, I think you made the right decision biting your tongue. It may not be your thing, but that's the whole point of Fetlife: people who have a thing, and it isn't everyone's thing, but it's somebody's thing, and they have someone to share their thing with, when everyone else makes them feel like a freak. Telling them to be more discreet would be exactly the same thing as some staunch mono coming on here and telling us to quit talking about poly because they don't want to hear it.
 
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Balancing two semi-submissives

So here's our issue. My husband and I are both switches, but I tend to lean towards psychological submissive, whereas he tends to lean towards sadistic top. It's really awkward when he tries to command me (doesn't flow naturally, I usually end up laughing) and hopeless if he tries to hurt me (I can't get past much more than a quick spank, and even that usually makes me giggle and run away).

And sometimes he really wants to be dominated, but I seldom think of it (just not my nature, takes me time to psych up) and he never asks for it. Or when he asks for it, it's spontaneous and I'm usually caught off guard. He picks up on that, and by the time I psych myself up, he says the moment has passed.

I don't really know if there's a question in there or just wondering what some ideas are to get past these blocks?
 
SchrodingersCat said:
So here's our issue. My husband and I are both switches, but I tend to lean towards psychological submissive, whereas he tends to lean towards sadistic top. It's really awkward when he tries to command me (doesn't flow naturally, I usually end up laughing) and hopeless if he tries to hurt me (I can't get past much more than a quick spank, and even that usually makes me giggle and run away).

And sometimes he really wants to be dominated, but I seldom think of it (just not my nature, takes me time to psych up) and he never asks for it. Or when he asks for it, it's spontaneous and I'm usually caught off guard. He picks up on that, and by the time I psych myself up, he says the moment has passed.

I don't really know if there's a question in there or just wondering what some ideas are to get past these blocks?
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Has anyone ever co-dommed you? Some people are against this, I understand. But it may work in a situation to get you in the right headspace to be his submissive. :)

As for the second one, this isn't much different than the "he is the only one who initiates." You may have to consciously make dates to be dominant. You may not be in the mood, but keep a personal calendar and prep yourself. Hell, prep him by texting him dominant verbiage. I am sure he will appreciate you taking the initiative. Some people go so far as to design role-playing scenarios to help maintain dominant integrity. Obviously, these are things you should do without his knowledge until the roleplaying begins. Makes it more fun. :)

As for being a switch... Hmm... It is possible you can't submit for him comfortably. You can either skip the pure submissive role, or learn to roleplay/fake it. I am a "switch." I use that term loosely, as I know I will submit to someone, but I am exceptionally picky about who I will submit to, and unfortunately, my wife is not one of them.

Anyway, I know you weren't looking for suggestions, but I figured I would throw some pennies down. :)
 
Breathesgirl said:
We use a suit bag. It hangs up if needed, things hang up IN it, it lays flat, holds TONNES of toys.

I've been a masochist for 20+ years although only the last 12 have had any consistency to them.

Sir calls me His scratching post because i LOVE to be scratched!

I LOVE to play in public. I'm an energy vampire so all those good vibes from everyone in the space just adds to my subspace & makes me one very, VERY happy camper!

Soft touch is sometimes even MORE painful, especially if you're a masochist who's craving pain & not getting it!


There ARE tops and bottoms out there who are in the scene strictly for the thrill of it, the taking or giving control, the TPE and have absolutely no interest in sex with their partner.

Someone mentioned having to buy all their toys. That doesn't fly around here, at least for the tops. Some of us enjoy playing with others, and there are some who go to these parties just so they CAN play with others, & those whom we play with MUST have at least the basics of what they wish to play with with them. We carry some of our own with us but ONLY those which can be easily cleaned, are cheap enough to throw away or can be given to the recipient after play time is over. The dangers of passing a disease to someone through sweat contact is below minimal BUT you never know if that toy has come in contact with blood or other body fluids. In other words it's not just the Tops or couples who travel with toys, the subs do as well.

Now that my thoughts on other's posts is out of the way (sometimer's disease here, lol)....i'm slave to Sir's Dominant side & vanilla girlfriend to His vanilla side. Yes, i'm collared & proudly so. I'm not an extreme masochist but i do love a good flogging or paddling, among many other things. Sir bought me a TENS unit for Christmas! WOOT! We haven't had a chance to play with it yet but i'm thinking that Thursday night i'll use it on Him since His back's been bothering Him a lot lately.
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Your bf got you a TENS unit? Wow. Don't you have to be a medical person to get something like that?

I bet that comes in handy for many reasons.

*slips quietly out of thread and continues lurking*
 
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