Half open relationship

[Ithinkiknowwhatiamdoing]

My wife and I have a very good life together. We’ve been a couple for over 10 years, and the past two years have been especially intense and transformative.

We decided to open up our relationship. She now sees another man twice a month, and surprisingly, our sex life has improved dramatically since then.

Overall, I feel things are going well. But when she’s away, I sometimes feel lonely and my thoughts drift toward them being together. In the beginning, she shared a lot of details—it was actually very arousing in the moment—but the day after, I was left with vivid images in my head that were harder to process.

She’s away again now, this time on a four-day work trip. We’ve set clear boundaries and rules, but I want to return to a strong mindset before she comes back. I don’t want to feel weak or insecure—I want to welcome her with confidence and reclaim that deep connection we share.

The hardest part is sitting with the loneliness and uncertainty while she’s gone.

So, my questions:

How can I find the right mindset to stay strong, grounded, and authentic while she’s away—and especially when she returns?

What kind of details are helpful to know about her experience, so I can feel included and connected without triggering jealousy or emotional pain?

Best regards, H

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Ithinkiknowwhatiamdoing,
Here are a few links to help you cope when your wife is with her other partner:

How zigzag copes when Angel is with Wolf:

https://polyamory.com/threads/sometimes-its-sooooo-hard.73828/#post-292690

Things that calm Magdlyn:

https://polyamory.com/threads/would-herbels-help.153848/#post-473253

Edits/adds by Carmina:

https://polyamory.com/threads/needing-support.154254/#post-479105

Those three links might help you stay strong, grounded, and authentic while she's away.
Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you are having a hard time.

The hardest part is sitting with the loneliness and uncertainty while she’s gone.

If you feel lonely, what do you do about that when she's home? It's not like she's your only companion, right? What about your friends? Family? Could you visit them? Go out and volunteer, meet people, do activities? Do you have pets?

What are you uncertain about? Are you able to articulate?

How can I find the right mindset to stay strong, grounded, and authentic while she’s away—and especially when she returns?

Does it occur to you that this is a time of new transitions for you, so this IS the authentic you? If you are feeling a little wobbly during a time of change, you could go gentle with yourself. The "old normal" is gone, the "new normal" isn't quite here yet. It's okay to feel a little wobble.

What kind of details are helpful to know about her experience, so I can feel included and connected without triggering jealousy or emotional pain?

A general question like, "Trip go okay?" is good enough. Then do the reconnecting things you like to do together -- go to your favorite diner for pancakes, or she washes the laundry from the trip, whatever.

You don't actually need to know too much info about her other relationship, and she could not overshare it with you. And the same going in the other direction -- she could not overshare TMI about you with the other partner. Every dyad deserves some space and privacy of its own.

Apart from a calendar so you can know how to manage your time and what is going on, and basics for sex health so you can know risk profiles, and that condoms, labs, and other safer sex practices are being used so you can continue to give informed consent and manage your own sex health, you really don't need to know much about her other partners. You may WANT to know more. But you do not need to know.

Is it that this was her first longer trip away? Could you talk about before-care, during-care, and after-care before her next trip? You might not need all of these, but you might appreciate a good-night text here and there while she's away, for example.

Galagirl

 

[dingedheart]

Hi. Welcome to the forum.

My wife and I have a very good life together. We’ve been a couple for over 10 years, and the past two years have been especially intense and transformative.

So is it that you’ve been open for the past two yrs, and just recently has your wife got a partner that has stuck? OR that it’s taken the past 2 yrs to discuss, prepare, and educate yourselves, and to restructure your marriage, to just recently start (in the past 2 months) with your wife dating another guy?

We decided to open up our relationship. She now sees another man twice a month, and surprisingly, our sex life has improved dramatically since then.

Was improving your marital sex life the main goal behind opening, or was it an individual disconnect and this ended up being a surprise benefit?

Overall, I feel things are going well. But when she’s away, I sometimes feel lonely and my thoughts drift toward them being together. In the beginning, she shared a lot of details—it was actually very arousing in the moment—but the day after, I was left with vivid images in my head that were harder to process.

What’s the difference when your thoughts drift and having mind movies when she’s gone making her own mind memories and when she’s sharing said details in person? Why is one a turn on and the other not? Are you asking for these vivid details, or does it just turn her on to share them, in some sort of exhibitionist fashion?

She’s away again now, this time on a four-day work trip. We’ve set clear boundaries and rules, but I want to return to a strong mindset before she comes back. I don’t want to feel weak or insecure—I want to welcome her with confidence and reclaim that deep connection we share.

Are the issues that she’s gone for 4 days, or is she gone for a work trip, or the city and/or new lover is work- or career-adjacent, and she’ll actually be spending four consecutive nights with her new lover? Or is it that she might try out local talent in the new city?

If it’s just a work trip, with just open potential, and things left to chance, it might be easier to feel less weak or less insecure.

I assume the boundaries and rules were discussed and developed to make you, the non-open spouse, feel more comfortable and secure. Do you lack trust in those agreements? Is it critically important that you reclaim your connection with this presentation of confidence and bravado?

How about trying to greet/welcome her with low-key acceptance or indifference, taking the implied competition out of it?

The hardest part is sitting with the loneliness and uncertainty while she’s gone.

Why have you decided to not date and make this one-sided?

How can I find the right mindset to stay strong, grounded, and authentic while she’s away—and especially when she returns?

I'd suggest start working on detangling. Mourn the loss of the old marriage and start cleaning house on the old expectations and routines. Start envisioning and building the new shared dynamic. The old house burned to the foundation and the new exciting challenge is to rebuild with modern updates.

What kind of details are helpful to know about her experience, so I can feel included and connected without triggering jealousy or emotional pain?

The first part of your question, I think, is super-subjective or individual. Some into hot-wifing or cuckolding will want the most graphic details or play-by-plays to try making a shared event. Others will want very minimal, basic, generic info, like where they went for dinner/what they ate.

Is it critical you feel included in or connected to your wife’s dating activities? If this is the case, where you both have this symbiotic relationship, why not lean into it to the max to find your limits with your wife and her bull? Maybe having this more out in the open and acknowledged would make you feel more included.

Here’s a recent thread that might help.

https://polyamory.com/threads/combining-poly-with-cuck.157806/

 

[Magdlyn]

Why have you decided to not date and make this one-sided?

Did he say that?

The first part of your question, I think, is super-subjective or individual. Some into hot-wifing or cuckolding will want the most graphic details or play-by-plays to try making a shared event. Others will want very minimal, basic, generic info, like where they went for dinner/what they ate.

Is it critical you feel included in or connected to your wife’s dating activities? If this is the case, where you both have this symbiotic relationship, why not lean into it to the max to find your limits with your wife and her bull? Maybe having this more out in the open and acknowledged would make you feel more included.

Here’s a recent thread that might help.

https://polyamory.com/threads/combining-poly-with-cuck.157806/

I am not sure where you are getting that this is a hotwifing or cuckolding situation. The OP is posting on a polyamory forum. Why not assume first they are practicing polyamory? Maybe the OP has been trying to date, and hasn't found a good dating partner yet, as is very common with MF couples when they first open up.

 

[dingedheart]

Did he say that?

Title of the thread, "half open relationship."

I am not sure where you are getting that this is a hotwifing or cuckolding situation. The OP is posting on a polyamory forum. Why not assume first they are practicing polyamory? Maybe the OP has been trying to date, and hasn't found a good dating partner yet, as is very common with MF couples when they first open up.

OP said hearing the details was VERY arousing in the moment, and that their sex life had actually picked up, as a result. Not the typical things we hear from the average mono dealing with a poly partner.

In my experience, people trying to date and having bad luck don’t view the relationship as half open. When a couple decides to agree to change their relationship status from closed to open, it’s generally understood it means starting right now, NOT when you find a suitable long-term partner you click with. I don’t think it matters if you’re in the dugout sleeping, or you're up at the plate taking swings at bat-- open means open. Half open, I think, means 1/2 open.

 

[Magdlyn]

Title of the thread, "half open relationship."

OP said hearing the details was VERY arousing in the moment, and that their sex life had actually picked up, as a result. Not the typical things we hear from the average mono dealing with a poly partner.

In my experience, people trying to date and having bad luck don’t view the relationship as half open. When a couple decides to agree to change their relationship status from closed to open, it’s generally understood it means starting right now, NOT when you find a suitable long-term partner you click with. I don’t think it matters if you’re in the dugout sleeping, or you're up at the plate taking swings at bat-- open means open. Half open, I think, means 1/2 open.

Okay, thanks for explaining. I still find it confusing. Overall, their sex life has improved, but hearing erotic details, while arousing at first, left unwelcome images in his head the next day, and it seems now that kind of sharing has stopped as a result. Added to that, he feels lonely, weak, insecure and uncertain when she's away. He doesn't seem gratified. I guess we need more information. It would be nice if he came back.