In the garden

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Yuck! Between that camping excursion you had to do, and overseeing sports, and a theatrical performance, plus an actual school day on a Saturday (?), and fucking church (!), not to mention lesson plans and grading papers, no wonder you can't fit in self-care at the gym, or other interests. I hope your new job has less responsibilities. That's just too much. Do all the teachers there get so overworked? Or do you get shit on because you don't have kids?
 

Evie

Moderator
All the teachers here have about the same obligations. The ones who coach sports teams with weekly practise and games have it worse than me 🙁 at least my theatre stuff is sporadic.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
I love kids, but that sounds overwhelming and stifling.
 

Evie

Moderator
Aaaand being so run down I've come down with some run of the mill bug, but I feel awful so took today and tomorrow off work on proper sick leave. Adam's on his weekend so he's come to look after me. It's also our 7th wedding anniversary today.
 

Evie

Moderator
I've been back at work for a couple of days although I wasn't feeling great the first one. I feel caught up on my classes, but I'm insanely behind on any attempt at the admin paperwork. It's because I feel like it's going to be rejected no matter what I do, so why bother. I mean, I have to do it, but I'll do it this weekend now it's overdue. It finally feels right lol.

Puck and I got enough of a chat this evening that we have hopefully found that we can have our usual weekly long call. I say usual, but it's been a little up in the air lately with work at both ends, plus he's finally got the chance to spend his Saturday evening with a girlfriend who he's had severely limited time with since Covid began. But I can talk to him before he sees her because my Sunday morning has freed up since work has moved their requirement for a pound of flesh to a few weekends away (no church this weekend, it's now on the 28th.) So yay! I've actually had the chat before about that transferring of sexual energy from one partner to another, because he often has a date on Saturday night after we've <cough> spoken, and I have had that little niggle in my brain of, "am I just the fluffer?" but whatever was said, and I can't remember precisely what, made it abundantly clear that he values our play calls for what is between us. Our dynamic is a little <cough, again> one sided, in that respect. I am not a voyeur, I am not in charge. He's not a voyeur in the traditional sense, either, but he creates a space for me to enact his will, and watches over me while I do so. Over.

I spoke with Lance the other day. He's finally getting those new work premises next week, and a new machine that will help his business grow. Hell, he's barely coping with the work coming in at the moment, so growth is going to have to be carefully managed. He has assured me he will be upping the hours of one of his employees to help cover it. He's a small business, both employees are part time at the moment, but from where he's come to where he is now...well, I can see it on his face. I honestly hope he can keep growing it but also increase his staff (cost-effectively) to reduce some of the stress and allow him more time off. But in the pandemic, he's got nothing else to do. Funnily enough, he's going to be the first person I know to get vaccinated - a week from now. He just got a text from his GP telling him to pick a time on that day, so he did. Go figure.

I honestly don't believe I'll be vaccinated until September or so. It's going to be slow getting here.

Puck thinks he might get it in April, but that's probably more speculation that anything.

There's more, but there's also time. Well, I hope there's time, but after two friends died last summer, I consciously don't take that for granted anymore.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Yesterday, Pixi and I both made appointments for March 25! I'm 65, and she works with kids (summer camp director), so we are now both eligible (Phase 2 in Massachusetts). We're so happy about being able to make an appointment for our first shots. Hopefully they'll let us make our second appointments on the spot, but we'll see.

Her camp is making changes in order to be open this summer. It was closed last summer, of course. It's a sleepaway camp. There will be a stable amount of kids, less coming and going. They will all stay in their cabin groups of 8, all day long. Meals will all be outdoors. Everyone will be masked, of course. That will be hot. Bleh. The directors and counselors will all be fully vaxxed by then, I guess, but of course the kids won't be. Less visitors will be allowed.
 

icesong

Moderator
They're supposed to start on phase 4 on March 25, although a lot of people are getting it early in overflow vaccines or by driving a few hours out from here. (The thing is, I live in a very blue city that believes in masks and vaccines surrounded by a sea of red voters who... don't. So there are a lot of extra doses out there. :mad: I haven't signed up for one as it doesn't seem fair, but I might as soon as it's officially phase 4 (apparently being a bit extra curvy means I'm eligible. I think that's medical fuckery on some levels but I'll take it.)
 

PinkPig

Active member
My state is currently vaccinating age 50 and up. I'm expecting it will open to my age range in the next 3 weeks. Not because the state is doing particularly great at vaccinating. Just because my republican governor is determined to make it look that way. 🤬 The state actually opened it to are 65 before more than a small fraction of long term care facilities had been vaccinated.

I'm in a purple city in a very red state. Lots of anti-maskers and anti-vax people here, too. When I retire, it will be to a blue state. I don't even really care where as long as it's blue!
 

Evie

Moderator
So much for working today (Saturday). As it turns out, my body needed sleep far more. I slept about 2 1/2 hours this afternoon, woke up to rain, and have been struggling with energy levels since then. I'm beginning to consider going to the doctor because I am losing my time to feeling like shit. I will actually be home this coming Friday so I will try to get into my GP then, see if I can get a blood test or something. I just don't feel okay.

I was texting with Mike on and off today. I hope I can see a little more of him once I move home. He's a really good friend, as in he's good at being a friend.

Adam is working late so I haven't talked with him today yet, and although I did talk with Puck, I was so tired I could barely focus (literally, my eyes were an effort).

I wish I could be held tonight.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
So much for working today (Saturday). As it turns out, my body needed sleep far more. I slept about 2 1/2 hours this afternoon, woke up to rain, and have been struggling with energy levels since then. I'm beginning to consider going to the doctor because I am losing my time to feeling like shit. I will actually be home this coming Friday so I will try to get into my GP then, see if I can get a blood test or something. I just don't feel okay.

I was texting with Mike on and off today. I hope I can see a little more of him once I move home. He's a really good friend, as in he's good at being a friend.

Adam is working late so I haven't talked with him today yet, and although I did talk with Puck, I was so tired I could barely focus (literally, my eyes were an effort).

I wish I could be held tonight.
I'm concerned about you, Evie. I had no idea your work schedule was so brutal and inhumane. It's obviously too much for you, and your immune system is overly challenged. I hope it's nothing serious. There can be long-term consequences to being overworked and exhausted and not able to fight off infections.

This is a tangent, but I remember when I was pregnant with my second child. My first was only a young toddler. I think she was 18 months when I got pregnant. She was very active, very attached to me, and my ex h, her dad, was working overtime, and going to college at night, and doing homework on the weekends, so I rarely had any help with caring for her while growing a new baby. She was not a good sleeper, so my night's were never restful. We didn't have a dependable babysitter, and our parents all lived hundreds of miles away.

I came down with bronchitis in my second trimester. It lasted 3 months. Each time I seemed to feel better, I'd relapse. Coughing when pregnant is terrible. Finally, I went home to my parents. My dad was retired by then, but he wasn't much help with my daughter (he's basically autistic and very self-centered). When my mom would get home from work, at least she'd do most of the cooking and she'd entertain my daughter very well (she was so awesome) so I could nap and rest.

I was there 2 weeks, and finally broke the cycle of illness. But! My next daughter was then born 3 weeks early, since my placenta had started to break down prematurely. And I think she was not getting enough oxygen either just before the birth or during it. She was delayed... she didn't really react much to others or smile until she was 8 months old. She got overstimulated very easily. She was extremely high needs and had temper tantrums daily until she was 7 years old. She was anemic at 9 months of age. Her first few teeth that came in decayed immediately, and the dentist told me it was because the enamel didn't lay down on them properly when I was sick in my 2nd trimester.

Finally, in her mid-teens, she was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and ended up with an eating disorder and becoming a drug addict (in and out of hospitals and rehabs and halfway houses and prostitution) until she was 26 years od and "found Jesus." Of all things! But hey, Jesus is better than crack.

I am sorry for the long and somewhat unrelated story, since you're not pregnant. But my point is, it's so important to listen to your body. I can't emphasize that enough.
 

Evie

Moderator
Hi Mags, thanks for sharing more of your background. I must admit, one of the many, many reasons I'm child free is because I seriously doubt I'd have had the stamina to be a parent, especially if I would have had a high needs child.

My teaching job isn't any more difficult than my colleagues, unless you count that so many students hate math. I'm quite excited that my new school has adopted a completely different way of teaching it to the younger grades. I'm curious to see the results as those kids are coming into the national assessments.

But I digress. I just need to believe right now that whatever is going on with my body is temporary, fixable. I've never had any serious illness, so there's no reason to suspect that now. I'm surely just low on something - I got some multivitamins last night, so hopefully in a few days they will be beginning to make a difference.

I listened to my body yesterday and slept. Unfortunately, I didn't get any work done, so I'm a bit stressed already today, but I will do what I can after I have talked with Puck. At least I don't have to go to church with school today.

That reminds me about Easter. Adam what's been talked into going to/speaking at a pagan festival at Easter. Initially I said that I wanted to go along so I didn't not see him all weekend, and I offered to present, too. But now I'm really worried that a holiday like that would do me in. There's only a week and a half of school left before the end of term holidays after that, but still. I don't know what to do right now, other than, of course, bring my concerns to Adam. He's committed to going and I have no desire to interfere with that, I just need a plan b for me that doesn't involve being alone at home.
 
Would going to the festival feel like work, or could it be a recharging event for you? Even if you don't find the energy to attend, I'm sure you'll find some quality time with someone anyway.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
I believe it can take about 3 months for multivitamins to make a difference. It's highly likely that you're anemic. Most women of childbearing age are. You could also need more D. Most of us can't make enough from the small amount of sun we get. I walk outside for half an hour 5 or 6 days a week, but I've still been taking an extra D supplement for years, along with a multi-vitamin.

If you suspect you're deficient in some vitamins, it's a very good idea to get your dr to order a blood test specifically for these 2 things. Then you'll know if you're low and by how much.

For immune support, I also take a probiotic capsule every day, 60 billion CFU. Your immune system begins in the gut.

It doesn't matter if your colleagues all work as hard as you do. It still sounds brutal to me. My parents were both teachers and they didn't have to do the things you do.
 

Evie

Moderator
Hi everyone.
Good question about if the festival would feel like work. Probably a bit yes and no, but Adam has said that he wants to be there maximum two nights, with a bail out after one night absolutely fine. Honestly, I think driving there and back just one day apart would be just as terrible, but at least I know that if I'm totally not coping with peopling, I can call red. We could break up the drive back with a night somewhere about half way, so there are options. I'll go, largely because I'm sick of living to work and feeling like I have no activities besides work.

Speaking of such, it was a late work night tonight, until 8:30, but mostly I was just present in case something went wrong with the lighting. It was the performing arts kids night to do their thing - we call it a soiree - and man there was some amazing new talent this year! A couple of new kids blew everyone away!

And then, it was my turn.

So, last year, I set myself the challenge of learning the flute well enough to play at a soiree. I had a fairly hard piece, I covered two and a half octaves, no mean feat for 6 months of playing, with very little playing over summer, and pretty much being self taught (I had one lesson at the very start). And I only had two run throughs with the accompanist this afternoon and discovered what a different skill that was to practicing alone in my room. I nearly cried after I finished, just with nerves. I wasn't disappointed in myself, but I wasn't exactly proud either. The kids were very kind to me.

So now that's over, we will turn our attention to the upcoming play. The biggest one the school has put on in years. I have this weekend off, with an extra day (Friday) so I'm going home to visit Adam, yaaaaay!!!! But every weekend (except Easter) after that will require some theatre time. We have props to make, sets to paint, lights to hang/focus/plot and so on.

And now I've realised with the busyness of this week I totally forget to book a doctor's appointment. It will be a lot easier once I'm home. I've been taking B12 drops since I became B12 anemic around 20 months ago. Made a massive difference. It's quite possible that I got too slack on taking it, though, so I've been more diligent now. I got some Centrum ("from A to zinc") and I've been good about taking them daily. I'm starting to feel back on top of things now.

And in 6 weeks time, I will change jobs. I look forward to telling you about that then, because I really don't know how I'll go with that, either. But at least I'll be home.
 

Evie

Moderator
Puck has his vaccination dates booked!

I have no idea when I'll get mine, and I doubt vaccination will actually open the borders soon anyway. I still think it will be at least January before I get to travel, if not later. Puck asked me why the NZ public wasn't really agitating for it. Well, it's because we are used to waiting. And missing out. For example, buying something from overseas can easily take 2 months to be delivered, if it gets delivered at all (I just lost $40 or so on a lost package that the tracking says was delivered to my house two days ago, but wasn't). Yes, I emailed the seller, but I don't expect a reply. Serves me right for buying from an ad, and it was just school supplies anyway. Pity, but not the end of the world.

I took myself to the pub earlier tonight. I was originally going for a meal, but decided I wasn't hungry so I got a drink, enjoyed the ambiance and watched a bit of the rugby. I had peace and quiet until a drunk old timer decided I wasn't actually waiting for someone and parked himself at my table. Sigh. A couple of others eventually rocked up. Silly me, I thought they were coming to take him back, but no, they wanted me to join them. I was already talked out and hit my two drink limit so I politely declined their invitation and headed home.

But at least I went out for a while - I'm actually proud of myself for that. I guess I should have been doing so for the last god knows how long I've been here, not just as I'm moving away. Adam and I will join the club once I've moved home and that might help me make some friends, we'll see. Hell, if nothing else it gives us access to clubs all over NZ, and that's worth it.

Now, back to doing nothing important until I'm tired enough to sleep.
 

Evie

Moderator
My physical health is definitely improving.
My spiritual health is inching forward.
My mental health is not so great.

Last night I finally had time to talk with my housemates and it was super fun. This morning, I also got a long call with Puck, but it was just a conversation, not playtime. He actually needed to get a pile of stuff off his chest and so I listened and hopefully said some supportive things. I also had a brief chat with UF who is also doing it hard right now. Everyone seems to be struggling in some way or other and I really just wish we could all catch a damn break and experience some lasting joy.

I find it really hard hanging up the call, almost like a kind of grief each time I do. I need to investigate why I feel like that. Suggestions welcome.

It's nearly midday. I need to find something to eat because I'm actually hungry, then go to work for a number of hours to grade papers and organise paperwork until the despair over said paperwork takes over.

I've said I'll cook dinner tonight (because I will find that relaxing) so I get to go and shop for that, too. I really could do with a third day in the weekend just to be ready for the week ahead lol.


3pm Edit: I'm at work and will do as much grading as possible but I am going home rather than doing the soul crushing paperwork.
 
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Evie

Moderator
I finished the grading and today I did "stage crew" work (set painting, props making bad generally getting the crew together so once I leave they keep doing their things). I have enough prepped for tomorrow that I can keep my classes working, but I'll likely be back pulling long nights again this week.

Puck is away visiting Charli so I didn't see him today. Hopefully I will tomorrow at the end of my work day.

I sometimes wonder why I'm not envious anymore that they get visits. I guess I'm so used to pandemic restrictions and so aware that it's going to be a very, very long time before our borders reopen, that I have resigned myself to this feeling of helplessness. I may feel envious again when traveling is possible but I have personal, not national, delays. I know Iris is waiting for normalcy again too so that her and Puck can take a very long awaited Europe trip.

I'm pretty sure it will be two years from our original plans that I will actually get to be there. I think by then I'll be less generous with anything interrupting our time together. Originally, I'd expected to have a "night to myself" so he can maintain his regular date night with Iris. Yes, it that much of a big deal to her that even the fact that I've crossed the international date line and the equator to be there, she would be very put out to miss her night. Honestly, by then, she will have had two more years of time I've not had so I will be strongly putting it to Puck that that first week I can be there is uninterrupted. Because I only have a two week holiday, and the flights are a couple of days each, plus getting over jetlag as best as possible, it's going to be a comparatively short trip. But worth every moment. I just don't feel like giving up a night when I will have given up (involuntarily) two years. I'm sure Iris and I have polar opposite definitions of "unreasonable" though. Sigh.

Still, it's just speculation and it's a long time away. If by some miracle I can travel in December/January, there will be different nuances.

But right now, my actual focus is getting through the next four weeks at this job. Everything else is a problem for another time. I guess I just needed to rant my fears a little tonight.
 

Evie

Moderator
Today, I discussed with Puck my desire to not give up a night in that distant future. He wholeheartedly concurred and said he's also learned better how to manage Iris' insecurity now. When I get there, our time will be uninterrupted. Of course we'll spend time with other members of the polycule, socially (except Iris, I doubt she'll go as far as wanting to meet me) but from arriving in Columbus to leaving it again, we'll basically be inseparable 😁

Sadly, I doubt I'll get anywhere else on that trip since it will be one of my short holidays. My long one is December/January (6 weeks total) and I doubt the border will be open to the US by the next one of those. I simply can't afford to do managed isolation on my way back so I will wait, a thing I am not unfamiliar with. I used to have the username waiting-is elsewhere, courtesy of Mike, and if you recognise the reference, that's also why I call him Mike.

So, in about 4 weeks I'll have moved home to live with Adam, and we'll throw ourselves into renovations after the flatmate vacates. I have everything crossed that the wall I want to take out isn't load bearing, but I also suspect it is. We'll wait for the builder to finally become available to start building the outdoor study, but get him to check that inside wall, too. Worst case scenario, I'll investigate putting in a square archway so the room still opens up that way.

Yet again, I won't get a proper weekend this weekend as I have so very much to do, plus that cancelled church service is back on. I cried this morning, but the day got better and I'm getting through my to do list.

I hope I can actually talk to friends this weekend.
 

Evie

Moderator
Yes, I'm going to write yet again - so many days, so little to say, so much need to connect beyond my students - but I've taken tonight off work, done laundry, tidied my room, and generally tidied my social media. I googled myself this afternoon just to check what was going to pop up. A group of students were kicking off this morning because they had googled a teacher and got a surprise (and yes, it was certainly a big surprise) and so I wanted to check what they could find about me. If someone is clever enough to think of doing an image search, they might find this profile, but since I'm leaving that place of employment, fuck it. And anyway, I'm the teacher they tell these things about, so I'd like to think they'd come to me first if they found this and I'll congratulate them for their sleuthing skills. I'll take my profile picture down for a while when I start my new job.

Surprisingly, I still had a Medium account connected my facebook even though I'd removed the permissions from facebook. Turns out Medium likes to keep your account active. Sigh. So I reactivated it to change my username and photo to something less searchable. Who knows, I might even start writing on it.

I had dinner and a chat with my landlord tonight. I love this place, I'm going to be really sad to leave and I hope that somewhere along the line I can come back to visit. Will I actually do it? Eek, maybe? I'm so terrible for maintaining connections outside my daily ones. Hell, even Mike and I have barely been in contact this past couple of months. We both know we'll be able to pick up where we left off in an instant, so we're putting the effort into where we are, separately, right now. So I need to get better at that and maintain newer connections even if they aren't lovers. I do tend to prioritise lovers far above anyone else; sexual intimacy is so connected with friendship for me.

On a completely different note, I was looking through my instagram earlier today (random thing to do) and realised that I haven't been doing roadtrips for a long time. Even a few years ago I would jump in the car and go for a drive, be it for a day, or three. Since I started teaching, I have not been doing things like that, and that sucks. I really want to keep exploring and I hope my new job gives me back my weekends so I can.

So much is going to change and am really looking forward to sharing it here as it does.
 
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Evie

Moderator
Speak of the devil and he appears! He doesn't read this space so it wasn't the catalyst, but Mike literally messaged me as I was posting about him and now it's Friday night, well, it's Friday night and we've had our kind of chat.

I also spoke to Lance earlier tonight and that was lovely, too. We laughed, which is refreshing to be "the funny one" - I'm not in my other relationships - but somehow, he brings out the (incredibly deeply buried) brat in me, which makes him laugh and then get stern and then laugh again. I guess I feel comfortable with dancing around the "make me" because of our history and being quite secure that there will probably always be a bloody big ocean between us.

I'm going out with Ayin tomorrow night, which I'm looking forward to because we can talk the hind leg off a donkey.

And that's after a long call with Puck in the morning, and hopefully a decent chat with Adam in the afternoon.

This is what I needed, my closest people to "crowd around" for a day or so, it will give me the strength to get through the next few weeks.

I'm missing my newer friends, I'd like to have a proper chance to deepen those friendships as each long conversation does, but the universe is reminding me what's really important in my life.

I Am Not My Job.
(well, only partially)
 
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