In the garden


Staff member
That was eloquent. I'm sorry for your loss and the lack of good-bye. {{{hugs}}}

I hope the job opportunity pans out. It sounds like a rewarding position.


I wish I was eloquent.

I wish I could tell my and Tech's story with the words it deserves, but I never will. I have fragments of memories, moments that I cannot even order, chronologically and none of them are recent.

This is a not a story about polyamory, so if that offends your sensibilities, please move along now. Go on. I mean it. Don't read and clutch at pearls, just leave.

We'd moved on from being lovers years ago, perhaps the last time was 2005, I cannot even recall. I'm not sure if we met in 1994 or 1995, and if we started sleeping together in 1996 or 1997 - yes, of course that's a euphemism, for many years it was snatched moments of a clandestine affair. We weren't poly, I was his mistress, and I certainly wasn't the only one. Tech had a great ability to be present, and with his presence, spark it in me. When we were together, the world fell away, and for a while, we were together a lot. It morphed over the years. I remember when he finally properly left the relationship he had been wanting out of. I may or may not have been the first girlfriend he invited to his new flat, it didn't matter. What did matter was that the PE he'd always had was gone with his guilt. For the first time, I was able to ride him with abandon and I remember laughing with the joy of the discovery.

We had many firsts over the years. I remember our first kiss - dear god that man could kiss - and our last kiss. The latter was in 2017. We had no idea then that it would be our last; he was consoling me after a difficult break up although I didn't tell him exactly what had happened - he knew me so very well, he knew what a break up looked like, the weight of it in my body and the way I cried. But he didn't pry, he just soothed my broken heart with a kiss that was pure love.

Our first kiss was not that.

Our first kiss was in the crew room at work. I don't know the year, or the show, but I do remember we'd been flirting for some time. I remember sitting next to him earlier that night and he'd reached out and touched a piece of my hair as it fell by my face. The first kiss that followed... I honestly believe I've been chasing that same power in a first kiss for the rest of my life. My arousal was instant, and extremely noticeable as I tottered out to the bathroom high as a kite on lust, but we left it there that night. I don't know how long it was before we went any further, that's not in the firsts I remember. He was the first man to take my arousal from his fingers to my mouth, I remember that first very clearly. Then there was the quickie in the theatre showers. And the time that he must have had a torn fingernail and that thing he did just so meant that I had to spend a few days on antibiotics while a little, but extremely inconvenient cut healed. There was even that time at the other big theatre after he became house tech there, I'm not sure what year but it was some time in the early-mid 2000s I think.

We could have had a short fling, especially after the initial infatuation and the frequent sex that accompanied it drew to a close. I was the one who started to be unavailable quite so much, although I didn't have the ability to say it in simple words. I just pulled back a little and I know it hurt him although he never admonished me for it. Truthfully, I was beginning to feel a little used, and needed some space to be able to regroup in my own mind. You see, he'd bought a puppy and my flat was a great distance away to take her for a walk...

And so, there was some time without the physical...but it didn't last, it just became more casual, interspersed with others for both of us. But as it became more sporadic, it became more valued. I know I worked on the friendship side of things a lot, I became a confidant, as did he. He watched me make bad choices, but did so without judgement. He watched me grow up and out of those bad choices and into good ones. He was proud of me when I got my Bachelor's degree in 2005 and although we had a little difficulty coinciding around that time, I know we celebrated some time. By then he was living in his own flat and it was no longer an affair.

Although we stopped anything but kissing in 2005 or so, the long hours of conversation whenever I was in town continued. There was definitely more than once when I was staying with my parents that his car pulled up outside and we ended up sitting in it into the wee hours, my dad sometimes coming out and giving me a meaningful look, after all, by then I was in a serious relationship from 2007-2011. It didn't stop the kisses and the sharing of confidences and purging of souls.

There were times when he was unavailable, and following his marriage and then mine, we had drifted further and further apart. But he was there in 2017 when I needed him. He didn't tell me he had cancer. I hadn't seen him since my graduation day in 2019 from my teaching degree. He was diagnosed three months later and fought for 16 months. I never knew and I'm sure he would prefer I remember him healthy, but I'm really angry I didn't get to say goodbye, and thank you, and I love you that one last time. We only said that once or twice, but then, not everything needed words.

I'm so very grateful for the time we had when we had it and the space we held in our lives for each other.
I'm so sorry for both of your losses so recently Evie. :(

I also hope the headhunting goes well.


This first week back at work has cemented that I'm not in the right place. Oh, I love parts of it, but I'm really not happy about having to go to camp next week. I've made it clear that I will not do the overnight hike, I literally cannot walk the distances required. I'm actually crying as I write this, I hate the idea of not having the personal time I need each day to recharge. And then I'm bound to get criticized for my lack of stamina. 4 days, 3 nights no internet from what I've been told (that far out in the wops) so I'll be cut off from my support network, too. Plus all the anxiety leading up to then, including all the lessons I have to prepare for the substitute teachers who will take my classes. To say I feel pressured is an understatement.


Well-known member
This first week back at work has cemented that I'm not in the right place. Oh, I love parts of it, but I'm really not happy about having to go to camp next week. I've made it clear that I will not do the overnight hike, I literally cannot walk the distances required. I'm actually crying as I write this, I hate the idea of not having the personal time I need each day to recharge. And then I'm bound to get criticized for my lack of stamina. 4 days, 3 nights no internet from what I've been told (that far out in the wops) so I'll be cut off from my support network, too. Plus all the anxiety leading up to then, including all the lessons I have to prepare for the substitute teachers who will take my classes. To say I feel pressured is an understatement.
I don't see where you mentioned needing to go on a 3 day hike with the students... You have MY permission to skip it if it sounds horrible! lol ;) It's great to know our limits.

I don't know what Freedom Writers (with guns) is, and what that would be like with no guns, but I do fervently hope you can go home and be with Adam!


Staff member
I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. I'll be thinking of you.


Thinking about my sexuality...

I don't *need* a lot of sex, or even want it. My sex drive will soar during NRE, as is expected, but I don't find many people attractive enough nowadays to want to find out more about them. I'd happily fuck on a first date if there was an attraction, so not demi. Certainly a guy has to have something between the ears, but it doesn't have to be book learning.

I've just become picky. And gotten really good with toys and energy 🤣 although honestly, I'd love to be able to go out and pull like I could when I was in my 20s. In a relationship, though, once the NRE has settled down, I can easily go three months without feeling bothered by not having sex.

The two people I find attractive right now are out of reach, cute gym guy and young friend. I refuse to be a cougar, so I am sticking steadfast to leaving young friend alone. And cute gym guy is in a mono relationship, sigh.

Of course there's Puck, but I'm afraid it's going to be a long time before our borders reopen, so I've steeled my mind to have to wait out 2021. He's more optimistic based on vaccination, but we haven't started yet and general population vaccines won't start until mid-year. I honestly think I'll be lucky to get a plane ticket without quarantine conditions until December at the earliest. But then, I be one of hundreds of thousands wanting to travel then and I'm not sure I'll be able to get a ticket.

Adam is even less interested in marital sex than I am.

But bottom line is, I miss the physical. Not enough to drop my standards, but I'm getting close to sticking my nose into the swinging community over here just in case there's someone I find attractive, because finding age appropriate available men is almost impossible.


At camp and have internet, thank god. And a few moments here and there for my own sanity. Dear god I'm tired, though, and that's after only one night's little sleep. One down, two to go, one at least without students.


Camp was such an unhappy week I'm still in the process of recovering. I need to dig deep to find joy in my work again, but unfortunately, I'm on the brink of tears still.

There have been highlights in this week though, I finally got a chance to talk with Puck yesterday evening, and then I ended up rather spontaneously going out with Young Friend (who's going to need a nickname sometime soon I suppose, although he's a platonic friend) and I've been able to have two lovely long skype calls with Universe Fan this week, the second of which I'm only just off the call from now. His life has changed so much since we first met through this forum quite a few years ago now, and so has mine, and I'm glad we've come back into each other's spheres. There's a strange combination of the comfy familiar about him, coupled with the getting-to-know-you all over again. And when he has the inkling to flirt with me, he's devastatingly good at it. But mostly, we turn to each other for advice, reassurance, and a little comfort in words.

I don't know how I do it. I don't know how I cope with long distance during a pandemic with no actual end in sight. I have no idea when borders will reopen and I'll be able to travel. I do know that the people I want to travel to will still be there when this is over and want to see me. I'm afraid I'll be older than just days (years). I'm afraid my heart will be more cynical, that I'll be broken in a way that means I'll be anticipating the worst more than I already do.

I want my hope back.


hahaha, I was reading through my blog. Which one of you bought


So, NZ has had Covid sneak in again and because I was in a town where one now postive person visited (3 days before I was that town) my boss has insisted that I get tested and stay away from work until I have a negative results. So, I'm doing a mixture of setting relief work for the substitute teacher and Zooming into my class. I do not believe I'm technically on sick leave, although it will be interesting to see my payslip next time. They shouldn't be putting me on leave, the email was worded as "work from home" and at least we don't have to pay our own substitutes. I've read that that can happen in the States. Barbaric. I had a brief chat with the sub today when I Zoomed in this morning. She's rearranged the teacher's desk to put a barrier between her and the students. UGH. So not how it works here, although if I get the job back home, I'll have a near classroom width standing bench between me at the students. Magnificent for organisation, terrible for communication.

You'd think with all the spare time I now have that I'd be doing all the paperwork I should be doing for my full registration. Nope. Still procrastinating.

Puck came home for Valentine's Day and is now stuck at home because of weather (driving currently illegal). Which, for me, is great! I got to have a much longer chat with him this evening, just about whatever sprang to mind, I've already forgotten. But it's nice to be able to do that. He looks so different with his beard shaved off (so he can wear an N95 under a cloth mask while doing the second job). It's the kind of job where they'd be wearing an N95 anyway (construction site) and because you northern hemisphere folks are in the depths of winter, he made a comment about forgetting how cold his face would feel with a beard (it's been years).

Another of our polycule is sick. Charli has not long finished her chemo for lymphoma and now Selene has a really rare auto-immune disease that might be a symptom of cancer, testing is still underway, but she's currently treated with steroids. And Puck told me that Iris had breast cancer about 6 years ago. It's feeling dangerous around here! I've never had anything serious happen to me. Hell, I didn't actually know I had endo until they'd done an elective surgery appendectomy and discovered I didn't have any blockage on the inside, just endo on the outside of it. Back on the pill I go, sorted. I'm pretty prone to viruses, though...thank god I live in NZ. I think I mentioned I got mono (that, or the thing that mimics it) a couple of summers ago. That wasn't fun. And something minor this summer, enough to put me in bed just for a couple of days.

In other news...

Lance called yesterday for about 20 mins. He's still very busy at work, lost out on the first expansion premises I mentioned by about to close the lease on another. Yay!

I've spoken to Adam once today, but am looking forward to doing so again tonight.

I haven't spoken to Universe Fan for a couple of days now, we're not daily contacts right now, but I am thinking of him during the particularly challenging week he's having.

I should reach out to Mike a bit more often, it's been mostly him starting conversations lately. There was a little disappointment over Summer, although totally understandable, but I think my subconscious has been intervening to make me less chatty with him.

I spoke with Golf on Sunday to say I wouldn't be messaging him anymore for catch ups. If I get the job back home and am moving away, I'll let him know, but he was always too busy, either at work or playing golf. I tried to point out to him that he's just not that into me. He disagreed, but I know he'll not attempt to find time to catch up.

Hermit texts me on Fridays, it's been a year and I still forget until it arrives, that's how much a week at work affects me.

Since I saw him on Saturday, I let Young Friend (ok, let's call him...Ayin) know that I was under self isolation pending test results. If I can get them before the end of tomorrow, I stand half a chance of going out again tomorrow night. Unless I nana out, which is entirely fucking possible. I'm sooo tired from doing nothing at all.

My landlady and landlord are super cool. They fed me tonight, which was wonderful since I've been in my room almost all day.

I'm finally starting to feel better about being back in worktown.


Wednesday night, I'm staying home and after doing work emails have just got dinner in the oven. I cancelled with Ayin, but I'm sure we'll catch up another time. I got to speak with Puck today, but Adam is yet to appear after work. His shifts are looooong and can have spontaneous overtime. Since I was aware that I'd been neglecting Mike even though I've had ample time off, I reached out for a few words today. He's not that chatty right now, either, so that works.

I've probably broached this subject before, but I still get a little mind blown when I find out that so many Americans of my generation can count the number of sexual partners on one hand. We. Are. Definitely. Different. Cultures LOL. Honestly, being a coming of age teen in the mid 90s in Wellington (our capital) I had a very, very liberal view of sex. And plenty of access to it. Safer sex had been taught in schools, although a little badly, and although I was cool with condoms, I still remember the first guy who arrived with lube, too. Sam. I've mentioned him before here, a while ago. It was called Sylk and was a kiwi extract based thing. Warning, it was great for a day or three, but there was just enough acidity in it that when I was definitely chafed, I knew about it. Eeesh. But he was an awesome guy and I'm glad I knew him then and peripherally, now. And yes, I would have sex with him again, in a heartbeat, but he was an Aussie and that's where he is now. I think I had probably over half my sexual partners between17 and 23. Then I started university lol. I was so into study it slowed right down, but I tended to stumble into a romance each summer, often starting before exams had ended, sigh. Trevor, Mike, then Steve who eventually became my significant ex (fiancé). Then once I left Steve, I quickly met Chalk and Cheese, then Adam. Honestly, 23-36 was a bit of a dry spell. Oh wait, I cheated on Steve once with a random from a dating <cough, casual hook up> site. Steve had very, very little interest in sex, to the point that I felt quite worthless, sexually, which was very difficult for me. And I'd also lost a heap of weight through some bloody hard work and sheer will power, and really wanted to feel good about myself. And so I did. Whoever he was, he was an absolute sweetheart who admired my hard work. I honestly should have just left Steve, oh hell, a couple of years before that LOL, but I had bought into the, "we've known each other since I was 16, the way we've always looked at each other...ohh, this is love, we're soulmates, this is meant to be" fairytale bullshit. Ugh, so much wasted time. But then, it meant that Adam and I coincided at the right time and we're far more suitable marriage partners. Sometimes I think there is a grand plan.

But back to sex, because sex is fucking great. Pun intended. Honestly, if I knew then what I know now, I'd have had twice as many partners, thrice as many! I'm so, so very picky now, but I'm also simply not meeting as many new people, which sucks! It's seems like when I was late teens, early 20s, I was doing stuff that meant I kept meeting interesting and attractive people. Whoooot. WHERE DID THEY ALL GO???? Oh wait, it was me, I moved to not one, but two towns with population 5000 LOL. I need a year in a big city, before I turn...hmmmm... that's interesting, at what age do I currently have a preconceived notion that I will become unattractive? Honestly, sometimes I think I've passed that point (hell, I cut bangs to hide wrinkles! lol) but no, I'm still happy with the way I look. Peri-menopause can stay the hell away though, thank you very much. I've just gotten my waist back, I'm not going to lose it to hormone changes! (Although, considering what I've just had for dinner, I'm not that gung ho about a perfect body). But I also think that I'd like to take advantage of my mid-40s. Or I'd like them to take advantage of me <eyebrow wiggle>. One thing that totally impressed me when I signed up to Fet was the number of 40 something year old women who were totally owning their shit. I find them a little harder to come across now there's been a culture shift there, first after the demise of CraigsList, then with the advent of Onlyfans. But I know they're out there. I'd love to meet them, but I live in a 5,000 population town, in a 5,000,000 population country, a long, long way from anywhere, let alone, say, Denver, which from a distance seems like a really happening place in those circles. And then let's throw in a pandemic for good measure. But I don't need to go to Denver, I'm just trying to get to Ohio and Virginia. And the UK would be very nice, too. And I've long had a thing for Italy. OMG, fooooood.

But I digress (not surprisingly, to food). Back to sex. I've lost count. Probably somewhere around 60-70, maybe. I was going to write "physically" but I certainly consider myself in a sexual relationship with Puck although that's yet to be in person. Grrrr, Covid. So, the number climbs a little if we include online only sex, which I do.

So yeah, over here, in Middle Earth, for a late GenX city girl, sex was basically a smorgasbord. The only taboos were the ones I chose myself (and goodness knows my bff happily told me that she had very different boundaries that I raised an eyebrow about back I just wanna do those things too, with the right persons), and the best part was when a guy I was really into would push my boundaries just a smidge further. I still like that. I want more of that. I'm just pickier now and, let's face it, don't get out much LOL.

And in case you're wondering, I was brought up Christian; Anglican and then Baptist (but probably not the kind of Baptist that Americans would recognise, I honestly just went there because the music and youth group were better). I even remember being maybe 15 and telling my Mother that I was going to wait until marriage to have sex (I was not long back from a bible study camp, I'm sure). She delicately told me that I might like to rethink that one hahaha. I'm pretty sure that that's what saved me from a ton of religious guilt when I discovered that sex was far, far better than church and that Sundays mornings were for waking up slowly in someone else's bed (Hermit's, back then).

Ooof, long rant for me. But please dive on in and reply with your experiences and hopes and frustrations and whatnot. Wish you'd had more? Wish you'd had less? Quite happy precisely where you're at be it 2 or 200 different partners? Does sex come after love for you, or is it a part of the getting to know you process? (I've always been in the latter camp on those two). Is sex deeply intertwined with your religious beliefs? Or your moral ones? Or is limiting partners totally a health thing for you? If it's entwined with a religious belief, is that an Abrahamic religion that tends to promote monogamy (at least for women). Or do you practice something else that has a different view? What's made you have the attitudes and values that you do? Parents, church, media, all or none of the above?

Right, it's definitely bedtime in this part of the world. I look forward to reading your comments when I wake up :)
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"But please dive on in and reply with your experiences and hopes and frustrations and whatnot. Wish you'd had more? Wish you'd had less? Quite happy precisely where you're at be it 2 or 200 different partners? Does sex come after love for you, or is it a part of the getting to know you process? (I've always been in the latter camp on those two). Is sex deeply intertwined with your religious beliefs? Or your moral ones? Or is limiting partners totally a health thing for you? If it's entwined with a religious belief, is that an Abrahamic religion that tends to promote monogamy (at least for women). Or do you practice something else that has a different view? What's made you have the attitudes and values that you do? Parents, church, media, all or none of the above?"

I kind of wish I had more at the moment but time and circumstances kind of make it a little hard right now. And to be honest I go back and forth on that thought process. Because I am perfectly happy with the two men in my life right now.

I grew up in the US, but was not in a religious family. My parents divorced when I was young. So I new love didn't mean forever. My step mom taught me about sex when I was probably 10. So I had a good idea of what it was and that it wasn't just for making babies.

I was 14 when I lost my virginity. The guy I lost it to was a 19 year old marine. LOL. It's kind of horrible now that I think back, but at the time I did get all swooped up in to the feelings, but I ended it a few months after it all begun. I really was not prepared for all of it at the time. We met through my parents, although I'm not entirely sure they knew how into each other we were or how long it went on. Infact just recently, his best friend at the time, has been trying to get in contact with me, and I'm fairly stand offish now to all of that from the past. Lol it's kind of weird, I don't know what to think of it.

After him, I didn't have sex again until I was 16 or 17. Between then and age 19 I had sex with more than 20 guys, and a girl or two. Love had hardly anything to do with it. I just enjoyed it, a lot. It was definitely part of the getting to know you process. I remember a few that were pretty bad at it and I remember thinking, "how could anyone wait to find out about THAT until after marriage!"

I can remember a few names, but not many these days. I lived just below DC in Virginia when I graduated highschool in 2000. So I had plenty of people around me, I don't even remember how I found my group of friends, it wasn't school. I didn't go to church. I didn't do any school activities. I just kind of floated. And the group of people I hung out with were all ages from all the surrounding areas. I never really worried about STDs, for me condoms and birth control were all I cared about then. (I was able to get both through the local health department for free, my school nurse sent me there.)

I think part of my attitude about it was, that I just wanted to be free to be me and have fun. So as soon as I could drive I basically did what ever I wanted. I went to school, I had a job, but beyond that my time was spent having fun. My parents allowed me my freedom as long as I went to school and worked. Prior to graduating I had gone to 10 other schools, both my biological parents were in the military, we moved around a lot, so I never developed deep meaningful friendships. Always being a new person at school kind of made me grow up fast, it wasn't always a nice experience. I was shy, hated talking to new people, and frankly was absolutely done with school. I wasn't unhappy, but sex definitely made me happy, so I just enjoyed it.

I remember when my brother came out to the family as poly, I was around 15 maybe. And that absolutely made sense to me. I had no thoughts of it being weird, it seemed very normal to me. And now when I look back I can definitely identify what would have been similar to polycules in my friends groups. Although I never made the connection at the time.

When I got pregnant with my son; a broken condom while on birth control. I kind of just stopped everything. My parents told me I didn't have to get married, but there was something about society at the time that I just convinced my self it was the right thing to do. It was totally a horrible idea. We were separated 3 months after my son was born.

I Think having a baby, kind of killed the excitement of sexual freedom for a while.

After that I think I only had sex with one other person before meeting my (now) husband. Since marrying him, in the last 17 years, I've only had sex with 3 other men and a woman. While we started the relationship talking about possibly swinging or being open, life just got in the way. So those 4 were within the last 5 years, I think. Now days, I do feel I need some other meaningful connection for sex - like I need to connect on a mental level for me to find attraction. But who knows, maybe that will change. I think it is also more important for me these days to have regular STD testing and discussions around that.

MY husband is the typical American you spoke about. All his sexual encounters can be counted on one hand.


Staff member
I married the first person I had PIV sex with, although I had had a couple of encounters that I’d call sex now but didn’t then. Obviously I added a more than a few after that, but my count is still... under 30, I think, I don’t feel like finding my list right now.
I don’t know how much that will go up; I rather like sex with people who know my body better than I do at this point and those are hard to find. Still, I vaguely expect a slutty phase in my late 40’s / early 50’s, when MiniMe is out of the house...


Interesting question! My body count is "high." 50 at least, but maybe below 100.

Lost my virginity to my high school boyfriend at 17. Became promiscuous when l I moved to NYC at age 20. I can't count the number of people I fucked for the next several years. I think I used sex as a way to get people to like me. I was sexually generous, I enjoyed sex, I gave it away (and took it from others) quite liberally. It definitely wasn't about love.

Was monogamous to ex-hubby from age 28 or so until my early 40's. Since then, I've averaged 1 to 3 lovers a year. I haven't slept with anyone except my current partner for one year, but of course pandemic stopped me looking for/meeting anyone for a good chunk of that.

I'm happy with 1 to 3 partners per year. I don't really *need* multiple partners as long as I'm getting enough sex, like a couple times a week. I tend to have sex early on in a relationship because I need to know we're gonna be compatible in that way or why continue? I prefer a good dose of love with my sex, but it isn't necessary.

My parents have been together since they were 19. Mom told me she's only had sex with 2 men in her whole life, her high school boyfriend and my dad. I wasn't raised religious, luckily, so wasn't mired in that. But I do, now, like to be more careful about who I exchange sexual energy with than when I was younger, and definitely feel like less is more at this time in my life. I'm starting perimenopause now and wonder how that will affect my libido/relationship style.
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Well-known member
OK, well, I'm 65 and I started coming alive sexually and making out with boys at about 15. So that's a lot of sex. I lost my virginity at 16 to a 24 year old man who had already served in Viet Nam! He looked older than he was, too. We dated for 9 months. My parents even approved of him. He turned out to be kind of weird and perverted, no surprise there.

I'd thought I'd lost my virginity to another guy previously, but it turned out that dope had cum before he'd broken my hymen lol. The 24 year old had a surprise at the blood on his sheets, since I'd told him I wasn't a virgin.

So then I dated/had sex with a few more guys (lots of stories there), and one all night threesome with one of my bffs and her bf. My first time kissing touching eating a girl out. It was great. I had had sex with 11 people before I went mono.

Then, at 19, I met my ex h, and he wanted me to be his "one and only," after 3 dates. I was already tired of dating, jaded by all the jerky guys out there. So I "settled down" kind of reluctantly and stayed loyal to my ex h until I was 52! We finally split up and then the fun began. I kind of returned to my 20s in spirit. Don't worry about getting older and "losing your waistline," or "getting wrinkles" or whatever. I was highly in demand on OK Cupid, let me tell you. All ages of men pursued me. MILFs, it's a thing. I was a cougar.

I met Pixi right away and we hit it off, as you all know. In the meantime, I probably had sex with 2 or 3 dozen guys and one other woman. I made a list once, but I don't know where it went. Of all those people, only a handful lasted for any good length of time. It was fun though. So many orgasms. :) I'm still in touch with one guy I met right after I met Pixi. He was just turned 21 when we started having our relationship. He's so entertaining. <3

My religion is tied to sex. Being pagan, and feminist, my sex life is tied to the sacred sexuality of ancient goddess cults and their practices. I don't often overtly role play, or consciously have sex on Beltane or whatever. But I feel sex is a great and good thing, and has been horribly twisted by the patriarchy and male domination and Abrahamic religions, certain forms of Judaism, Christianity, Islam, crazy sick Mormon plural marriage (child rape and abuse of women), etc. Sex is best when women are in charge. I mean that in a moral sense. It's fun to be sexually dominated by a lusty male, for sure. But it's not fun to be literally owned and controlled by him, as his social and "god-given" right, unearned.

There's a big difference between consensual BDSM between people who are actually equals, and the patriarchal bs that kind of underlaid how my ex h felt about me. That jealousy, suspicion and lack of agency. Yuck. I was born in the Dark Ages though. My ex was a hippie and a pagan, a musician and very smart, a hard worker and a good earner. But he did have those outdated ideas about owning a woman. They were unconscious and tied to his low self-esteem, but they were there. He found it deeply humiliating if I had eyes for another guy, and vice versa.


I GOT THE JOB! (Did I mention I applied for a job back home over summer, or did I not want to jinx it?)

I can move home in mid April. I'll live with Adam again!

Life's going to look so different. I have only been holidaying there for about 15 months. Now, I'll need to learn to live there while I work. I'm excited!

I'm sure come May I'll be writing about the growing pains of the adjustments. Adam and I have such different work schedules so I figure I'll be happy to work the necessary late hours when he's at work. And the roommate will be gone sooner rather than later, now, so we'll figure it out! I get to live with my husband again in just 8 weeks or so!!!!!

For newer readers, I lived in worktown in 2017, was at home in 2018, we both moved to worktown and were together there for about 9 months in 2019, but since Oct 2019, we've only really spent school holidays together.

I'm ready to go home.

(And there should finally be fibre internet and a heat pump by the time I get there!)

P.s. I've drunk far too much for a school night in celebration.
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Well-known member
Yes, I think you did mention it before. Good on ya!


I resigned and got a reply that it was a total surprise and she should have been asked to be a referee, to which I replied that the initial application happened so fast over summer that even I was surprised.

Admittedly, I was going to indicate this July when the usual survey came out that I was wanting to start looking nearer home, but I basically got head hunted into the job, not because of my perfect fit, but rather, they are hard to staff and I live (or will again) locally. I'd actually said I wouldn't work there until there was a management change. Well, there was a management change in my department. That'll do.

But at the moment I'm swamped with work, and will be working tomorrow (Friday) night until 8+ because we have to schmooze with parents, and again on Saturday for a formal school day, and then Sunday morning for swimming sports. In the afternoon, I'll need to prep for the following week of lessons/mark work from this week. Then sometime before the Thursday night performing arts concert (that I'll be stage managing), I need to find an evening (probably) and some help to focus the stage lighting.

The following Sunday morning, I have to attend church with the boarders and other staff.

All this is part of the reason I'm changing jobs.

Usually I'd have a long call with Puck on Sunday mornings so I hope he can be a bit more flexible about times, but that's his Saturday afternoon and he often has Saturday nights with someone else in his local polycule, so I'll just have to ask if he's already booked up. This part of long distance relationships suck. Try as you might to keep a regular schedule, when work obligations arise, it's the LDR that bends most.

I really need to get back to my gratitude diary, I'm getting a little bitter. And I do have things, well, mostly people, to be grateful for. I've just been too tired to focus on that. Also, I haven't been to the gym in days, and before that, weeks as I'm just too tired for an early alarm. And I know I'm going to miss this gym so much, I should be going hell or high water.

Fuck it, I'm not going back to work tonight, I'm going to eat a nice dinner, do some music practice, go to sleep early and hit the gym tomorrow. I need my well-being back.
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