In the garden

Evie

Moderator
One of Adam's best friends died today. He was 50. He'd been playing tennis, felt a little unwell and went for a lie down.

Shit of a time to die, funerals are hard to arrange at Christmas...

His girlfriend called, from his phone, crying of course. I empathize greatly with her.

This is the only real fear of loss in my life. Losing Adam, or Puck, or Mike or Lance or Moni (bff) without any warning, or my parents despite their age, far, far too soon.
 

Evie

Moderator
One of Adam's best friends died today. He was 50. He'd been playing tennis, felt a little unwell and went for a lie down.

Shit of a time to die, funerals are hard to arrange at Christmas...

His girlfriend called, from his phone, crying of course. I empathize greatly with her.

This is the only real fear of loss in my life. Losing Adam, or Puck, or Mike or Lance or Moni (bff) without any warning, or my parents despite their age, far, far too soon.
My stupid 15 minute edit window closed so you can all read it all again...
 

Evie

Moderator
One of Adam's best friends died today. He was 50. He'd been playing tennis, felt a little unwell and went for a lie down.

Shit of a time to die, funerals are hard to arrange at Christmas...

His girlfriend called, from his phone, crying of course. I empathize greatly with her.

This is the only real fear of loss in my life. Losing Adam, or Puck, or Mike or Lance or Moni (bff) without any warning, or my parents despite their age, far, far too soon.

And from the anger part of grief, for all you jealous fucks out there who are afraid if losing your wives or husbands to their new loves... Screw you. Screw your precious ownership beliefs about your spouses. Screw your "have to be everything to my partner" proprietary beliefs. If you have to be the one making that phone call because you *have to be* then more fool you. Honestly, right now I hope to ever-loving fuck I have a metamour at that time to share that with. My heart is breaking for Adam's best friend's girlfriend and dear god I hope she has a network around her because I'm certainly not in it.

For all you selfish (yes, I said it, it's my fucking blog) pricks who cannot fathom sharing your partner's love, I hope you don't bear your grief in the solitude you desire in your relationships. God knows if Adam or Puck died, the very first person I would turn to would be the other. Lovers are best friends, too, and the ones that will be there when you're not. I'm the hinge of a V, although technically a star if we include Mike and Lance. These are the people that need contacting and the people who I would contact if the worst happened.

Obviously, Adam and I are making sure all contacts are up to date.

Get over your petty fucking jealousies, respect that your partner's partners are real fucking people who deserve your respect because your partner CHOSE them like they CHOSE you, and who deserve to grieve if the worst happens, and be prepared to make that call if need be.
 
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Magdlyn

Well-known member
I'm very very sorry for your loss, Evie. And I agree with the other things you said too.

Sending virtual hugs.
 

Evie

Moderator
Thanks Mags, it's certainly less my loss than Adam's and I'll pass on your condolences.

For me, it's a reminder that any day, any moment, could be the last. The deceased had been playing tennis, felt a little unwell and went for a lie down. That's it. Nothing dramatic, no apparent illness, he just died. How do you even process that as a partner? My heart breaks for her.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
My mother died almost that suddenly. Felt a little tired for a couple days, then the second night she and my dad were doing dishes after having Chinese food, she started to fall over, he caught her. 911, she'd had a stroke and heart fibrillation, 2 days after that slipped into a coma. I flew down from Mass to Florida and talked to her as she lay unconscious. After she heard me (I think), she passed. She'd been only 75, active and vibrant and seemingly healthy.
 

Evie

Moderator
I feel very fortunate to still have both my parents and not have had any friends die by surprise, other than Trask. That was surreal, though, as I wasn't told until some time after the funeral. Still, at least Jazzz made that text (from Trask's phone) eventually and I didn't stumble across it on Facebook (which admittedly I had deactivated at the time).

It was my mum's 78th birthday yesterday so I visited as a surprise, although I'd teed it up with dad. It was super chill. We ordered pizza and watched tv. She showed me her latest scrap book and colouring in pages, and her new walker since the cane just wasn't enough anymore.

I'm a terrible daughter, I don't talk to them nearly often enough. I just don't have much to say. I did mention I'm learning the flute, and next time I visit I'll make sure to bring it with me. Mum would like that. I haven't told them about Puck, yet; Adam isn't 100% on board with them knowing. They think Adam is the best thing that ever happened to me, too, and I'd largely agree, but that's also because I can love the way I do and still be happily married to him. We have designed our relationship, not defaulted to it.
 

Evie

Moderator
The funeral was today and Adam is in Auckland for it. After a discussion with Adam I chose not to go as I have a house guest that was already organised. He'll be home tomorrow, and I'm hoping he'll take another day off work just to recover from the whole thing.

I took my guest to Napier today and we cycled along the boulevard at the seashore for a couple of hours. It was overcast most of the time (like, 95%), but we're still a little sunburnt, sigh. I should have known better.

I was talking with Puck this morning and I suggested that in lieu of knowing we have a visit planned, that we set some other kind of relationship goal. He happily agreed. I've also decided to engage him more fully on my "word of the year" for 2021. It's a guiding principle rather than a New Years resolution. This year was "heal" rather because I busted my ankle last summer, and my back was terrible. Both are better now, although I suspect my ankle will always have those little pains at strange angles and in cold weather. So, "heal" happened. 2021 will be something about confidence. The core kind, not the fake-it-till-you-make-it kind. I'm struggling at work so often because of lack of it, so it's time to reconnect with that part of myself.

Here are my words since I started this:

2011 Tidy
2012 Finish
2013 Momentum
2014 Faith
2015 Active
2016 Multifaceted
2017 Stretch
2018 Look
2019 Play
2020 Heal

They all have meanings behind them and don't necessarily mean what they look like at face value. Like, faith was more like trust - faith in others. Finish... I was writing my Master's thesis (ugh).

There's more, but maybe I'll tell those stories another time.
 

Evie

Moderator
I have a cold or something and an intense immune response. No fever, but my joints are swollen and I generally feel fatigued. Not uncommon for me when I get sick. Let's hope this is as bad as my 2021 gets.

My word this year will simply be Confidence. It's very much a work thing.

I've gotten to speak with Puck a few times today during my misery. I'm looking forward to Adam getting home from work. My poor house guest has been left to her own devices today, but she kindly made us dinner. Food still tastes amazing. I have an appetite, just not enough energy to cook. And I'm losing horribly in chess, lol. Sorry Kevin, I'm not a good opponent right now, but I deeply appreciate the distraction.

I don't have a TV in my room, can't be bothered trying to find the laptop charger, and run out of processing power when trying to read. I really hope Adam isn't too late home tonight lol.
 

Evie

Moderator
I'm feeling quite a bit better today although certainly not 100%, not by a long shot. In fact I've been awake long enough that I'm feeling wretched enough to have some more pills, although I'm afraid they'll just make me feel worse. Adam wasn't late but certainly not up for socialising when he got home, he's not 100% well either, so we're not a good pair right now.

I'm losing so badly at chess I feel sorry for the people (mostly random strangers) that I'm playing.

I want to be my cheerful self, I miss her under the ringing head, nausea and aching everything.
 

Evie

Moderator
I got the call this morning that Tech died yesterday. I hope I can write something about him in the next few days.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Another death? Oh, that must be too much to bear, after Adam's friend, and not feeling well with some kind of virus, to boot.

I wish you well. I wish you comfort.
 

Evie

Moderator
Thank you both.
I'm really quite devastated right now. Tech was a very important person in my life once upon a time. I want to write more when I can bring myself to.
The service is on Friday. I'll be back something after that.
 

Petunia

Moderator
I'm so sorry. {{{Hugs}}}
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Re (from Evie):
"And I'm losing horribly in Chess, LOL. Sorry Kevin, I'm not a good opponent right now, but I deeply appreciate the distraction."

Heh, not a problem, I actually like the stress relief of when a game gets a little easier for awhile. Sorry for your recent losses, and that you're not feeling well.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

Evie

Moderator
I wish I was eloquent.

I wish I could tell my and Tech's story with the words it deserves, but I never will. I have fragments of memories, moments that I cannot even order, chronologically and none of them are recent.

This is a not a story about polyamory, so if that offends your sensibilities, please move along now. Go on. I mean it. Don't read and clutch at pearls, just leave.

We'd moved on from being lovers years ago, perhaps the last time was 2005, I cannot even recall. I'm not sure if we met in 1994 or 1995, and if we started sleeping together in 1996 or 1997 - yes, of course that's a euphemism, for many years it was snatched moments of a clandestine affair. We weren't poly, I was his mistress, and I certainly wasn't the only one. Tech had a great ability to be present, and with his presence, spark it in me. When we were together, the world fell away, and for a while, we were together a lot. It morphed over the years. I remember when he finally properly left the relationship he had been wanting out of. I may or may not have been the first girlfriend he invited to his new flat, it didn't matter. What did matter was that the PE he'd always had was gone with his guilt. For the first time, I was able to ride him with abandon and I remember laughing with the joy of the discovery.

We had many firsts over the years. I remember our first kiss - dear god that man could kiss - and our last kiss. The latter was in 2017. We had no idea then that it would be our last; he was consoling me after a difficult break up although I didn't tell him exactly what had happened - he knew me so very well, he knew what a break up looked like, the weight of it in my body and the way I cried. But he didn't pry, he just soothed my broken heart with a kiss that was pure love.

Our first kiss was not that.

Our first kiss was in the crew room at work. I don't know the year, or the show, but I do remember we'd been flirting for some time. I remember sitting next to him earlier that night and he'd reached out and touched a piece of my hair as it fell by my face. The first kiss that followed... I honestly believe I've been chasing that same power in a first kiss for the rest of my life. My arousal was instant, and extremely noticeable as I tottered out to the bathroom high as a kite on lust, but we left it there that night. I don't know how long it was before we went any further, that's not in the firsts I remember. He was the first man to take my arousal from his fingers to my mouth, I remember that first very clearly. Then there was the quickie in the theatre showers. And the time that he must have had a torn fingernail and that thing he did just so meant that I had to spend a few days on antibiotics while a little, but extremely inconvenient cut healed. There was even that time at the other big theatre after he became house tech there, I'm not sure what year but it was some time in the early-mid 2000s I think.

We could have had a short fling, especially after the initial infatuation and the frequent sex that accompanied it drew to a close. I was the one who started to be unavailable quite so much, although I didn't have the ability to say it in simple words. I just pulled back a little and I know it hurt him although he never admonished me for it. Truthfully, I was beginning to feel a little used, and needed some space to be able to regroup in my own mind. You see, he'd bought a puppy and my flat was a great distance away to take her for a walk...

And so, there was some time without the physical...but it didn't last, it just became more casual, interspersed with others for both of us. But as it became more sporadic, it became more valued. I know I worked on the friendship side of things a lot, I became a confidant, as did he. He watched me make bad choices, but did so without judgement. He watched me grow up and out of those bad choices and into good ones. He was proud of me when I got my Bachelor's degree in 2005 and although we had a little difficulty coinciding around that time, I know we celebrated some time. By then he was living in his own flat and it was no longer an affair.

Although we stopped anything but kissing in 2005 or so, the long hours of conversation whenever I was in town continued. There was definitely more than once when I was staying with my parents that his car pulled up outside and we ended up sitting in it into the wee hours, my dad sometimes coming out and giving me a meaningful look, after all, by then I was in a serious relationship from 2007-2011. It didn't stop the kisses and the sharing of confidences and purging of souls.

There were times when he was unavailable, and following his marriage and then mine, we had drifted further and further apart. But he was there in 2017 when I needed him. He didn't tell me he had cancer. I hadn't seen him since my graduation day in 2019 from my teaching degree. He was diagnosed three months later and fought for 16 months. I never knew and I'm sure he would prefer I remember him healthy, but I'm really angry I didn't get to say goodbye, and thank you, and I love you that one last time. We only said that once or twice, but then, not everything needed words.

I'm so very grateful for the time we had when we had it and the space we held in our lives for each other.
 
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Evie

Moderator
Thanks PinkPig and those who hit like. I saved a copy in Google docs because I want to keep expanding it when I'm in the right mood. I'm visiting the widow on Friday for a glass of wine and to nurture the developing friendship. Tech really wanted us to be friends but there was a really big elephant in the room. Pun intended.

In today's news, I just got head hunted. Still have a lot of formalities to go through, but I could be moving home by late April! Maybe. Possibly. Scared to get my hopes up. But a little excited nonetheless. Job is still teaching, but a totally different type of school - currently, think Dead Poets Society but girls. New, more like Freedom Writers but without guns.
 
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