I wish I was eloquent.
I wish I could tell my and Tech's story with the words it deserves, but I never will. I have fragments of memories, moments that I cannot even order, chronologically and none of them are recent.
This is a not a story about polyamory, so if that offends your sensibilities, please move along now. Go on. I mean it. Don't read and clutch at pearls, just leave.
We'd moved on from being lovers years ago, perhaps the last time was 2005, I cannot even recall. I'm not sure if we met in 1994 or 1995, and if we started sleeping together in 1996 or 1997 - yes, of course that's a euphemism, for many years it was snatched moments of a clandestine affair. We weren't poly, I was his mistress, and I certainly wasn't the only one. Tech had a great ability to be present, and with his presence, spark it in me. When we were together, the world fell away, and for a while, we were together a lot. It morphed over the years. I remember when he finally properly left the relationship he had been wanting out of. I may or may not have been the first girlfriend he invited to his new flat, it didn't matter. What did matter was that the PE he'd always had was gone with his guilt. For the first time, I was able to ride him with abandon and I remember laughing with the joy of the discovery.
We had many firsts over the years. I remember our first kiss - dear god that man could kiss - and our last kiss. The latter was in 2017. We had no idea then that it would be our last; he was consoling me after a difficult break up although I didn't tell him exactly what had happened - he knew me so very well, he knew what a break up looked like, the weight of it in my body and the way I cried. But he didn't pry, he just soothed my broken heart with a kiss that was pure love.
Our first kiss was not that.
Our first kiss was in the crew room at work. I don't know the year, or the show, but I do remember we'd been flirting for some time. I remember sitting next to him earlier that night and he'd reached out and touched a piece of my hair as it fell by my face. The first kiss that followed... I honestly believe I've been chasing that same power in a first kiss for the rest of my life. My arousal was instant, and extremely noticeable as I tottered out to the bathroom high as a kite on lust, but we left it there that night. I don't know how long it was before we went any further, that's not in the firsts I remember. He was the first man to take my arousal from his fingers to my mouth, I remember that first very clearly. Then there was the quickie in the theatre showers. And the time that he must have had a torn fingernail and that thing he did just so meant that I had to spend a few days on antibiotics while a little, but extremely inconvenient cut healed. There was even that time at the other big theatre after he became house tech there, I'm not sure what year but it was some time in the early-mid 2000s I think.
We could have had a short fling, especially after the initial infatuation and the frequent sex that accompanied it drew to a close. I was the one who started to be unavailable quite so much, although I didn't have the ability to say it in simple words. I just pulled back a little and I know it hurt him although he never admonished me for it. Truthfully, I was beginning to feel a little used, and needed some space to be able to regroup in my own mind. You see, he'd bought a puppy and my flat was a great distance away to take her for a walk...
And so, there was some time without the physical...but it didn't last, it just became more casual, interspersed with others for both of us. But as it became more sporadic, it became more valued. I know I worked on the friendship side of things a lot, I became a confidant, as did he. He watched me make bad choices, but did so without judgement. He watched me grow up and out of those bad choices and into good ones. He was proud of me when I got my Bachelor's degree in 2005 and although we had a little difficulty coinciding around that time, I know we celebrated some time. By then he was living in his own flat and it was no longer an affair.
Although we stopped anything but kissing in 2005 or so, the long hours of conversation whenever I was in town continued. There was definitely more than once when I was staying with my parents that his car pulled up outside and we ended up sitting in it into the wee hours, my dad sometimes coming out and giving me a meaningful look, after all, by then I was in a serious relationship from 2007-2011. It didn't stop the kisses and the sharing of confidences and purging of souls.
There were times when he was unavailable, and following his marriage and then mine, we had drifted further and further apart. But he was there in 2017 when I needed him. He didn't tell me he had cancer. I hadn't seen him since my graduation day in 2019 from my teaching degree. He was diagnosed three months later and fought for 16 months. I never knew and I'm sure he would prefer I remember him healthy, but I'm really angry I didn't get to say goodbye, and thank you, and I love you that one last time. We only said that once or twice, but then, not everything needed words.
I'm so very grateful for the time we had when we had it and the space we held in our lives for each other.