In the garden

I have had a wonderful day spent mostly with Adam today. We went into town so he could get his new hearing aids fitted and I did some small shopping. Then we went out for a spontaneous long lunch at a slightly fancy tapas place. I had cocktails! I hardly ever get any because there's nowhere worth getting them in my town and I don't want to have that variety of alcohol at home. It's more fun to go out anyway. So my credit card took a hammering but what an amazing day. I apologised that I'm likely to be a bit insufferable this year talking about ideas of what places and stuff to show Puck when he visits next summer, but Adam replied that he is really feeling compersion!

I'm about to talk with Puck, he's had a shit day and just wants to touch base before bed.

Poly life is just so smooth these days, no matter what going on around us.
 
I also learned a new word/acronym today, DARVO. This is what an ex used to do to me. As well as other things. When I'd let him know he was treating me in ways I didn't like, he'd tell me I was projecting past relationships, and the bad behaviours I must have been exposed to in them, onto him, but he wasn't "that guy" or even "that kinda guy". But he was.

We could have the most intimate, passionate make out session, but if he didn't get PIV sex or to immediately try out a new toy he'd bought (like on the Friday night of a whole weekend we were together), he told me I was rejecting him to the point that he wanted to kill himself. He never respected when I was legitimately tired or stressed from work and a two hour drive to get to his place on a Friday afternoon.

His drinking and drug use escalated and he'd demand I stay up with him until all hours or he'd have a meltdown that I was rejecting him. I wasn't allowed to be tired until he was.

And over time I noticed that he didn't actually get to want to know me as a whole person. He didn't give a toss about my musical tastes or any experience other than ones he deemed to have value, or anything outside of the time I spent with him. He actually shut down some conversations when I was talking about my life before we met. He chose what he wanted to know about me. I was either on a pedestal or in the dog box, but it wasn't actually me on the pedestal, it was more like an avatar of me that he created in his mind and when I deviated from that, I no longer fitted his narrative of our relationship.

I wasn't on this board during that six months or so of 2017. But when I came back here, I read someone who wrote about one of their partners having a meltdown on the morning of her grandmother's funeral because it meant that he was missing his weekend. That is precisely what my ex did, too, despite already rescheduling to have the next two weekends after that. I learned a lot about BPD in the wake of that and although I don't know for sure that's what he had since he never told me and I never googled any of his prescriptions, I looked at the criteria and saw a lot of what I'd been living through in that six months. Had I known earlier, I might have talked to him about treatment, but I had already left. I needed to put my wellbeing first because his expectations of me were starting to have negative flow on effects to the rest of my life.

He cried, begged me to stay, but when it was clear I was sticking firm to my decision, the insults started and they were vicious. I've had enough break ups before but none like that.

I'm honestly sorry to myself that I put myself through it for that long. But I've also forgiven myself. And I won't do it again.
 
I was due to have a long call with Puck today to make up for when we couldn't a couple of days ago. Usually on his Saturday night he'd then go see Selene, so I asked him if he was going there or is she was coming to visit him. It's not an uncommon conversation. Then he told me that he'd actually made plans with Charli because their Friday night plans had to canned, and Selene was out of town.

At this point I told him I'd leave him to his evening then and I cancelled our date call since I have a boundary around dovetailing with Charli. We've discussed this before and he's absolutely agreed with me. I was sad at having to suddenly enforce this boundary, but we had the conversation without any arguments. I just said it's my boundary and as much as I don't like enforcing it, I'd end up feeling worse if I didn't. He said he was mad at himself for not thinking it all through when he was rearranging plans, especially since he's away with Iris during the week and I'm away next weekend.

But overall, we had the conversation successfully, calmly and without the need to carry it forward. Dear god, the contrast from my ex I wrote about above!
 
I got to work this morning and my room was flooded from a burst water pipe. I'm not the only one affected but I have the most carpet. So I'm now "floating" and my classes have to find me, yet they seem incapable of reading any of the notices. It's been a hard day.

It's Adam and my wedding anniversary tomorrow. 9 years. Long enough that I've just had to remind him, mainly because I'm out tomorrow night (sports). Using the UK system it's the copper anniversary. Malleability. So we've agreed to be malleable and do a nice dinner on Thursday lol.
 
Happy anniversary! My wedding anniversary is March 2nd, really close to yours haha.
 
This week has been diabolical. Insomnia has been one of the leading features, and two long days with sports after school until 8pm. I am definitely at the sleep deprivation end of the scale but I needed to visit my parents this weekend, so I am currently in Hometown, at the best AirBnB I've been to in...possibly ever...but I'm alone because when I texted Gabe that I was looking forward to seeing him this evening he realised he'd forgot to tell me that his flight plans had had to change and he was currently at the airport en route to Mexico after a last minute change of flights to go via Chile and Peru (reading between the lines, he screwed up his ESTA and couldn't transit through the US). When I told Adam he was a little miffed Gabe hadn't thought to let me know earlier, but I get it, I'm not mad since I couldn't have cancelled the AirBnb for a refund even with a couple of days warning. So I'm here, in peace, looking forward to a beautifully quiet, uninterrupted night's sleep. Wish me luck lol.

Puck isn't home yet, sigh. But thinks he might just get in tomorrow morning my time. I honestly don't think he'll make in time (or with enough spoons left) for us to even have a quick call before I have to check out of here, but we'll reconnect in due course. When he visits here, I'll never stop him from talking to his other partners. I'm going to end up pointing out that he shouldn't feel like that with anyone and for him to allow Iris to hold his communication hostage for a week...it's just shabby.

As for my parents, Dad is still getting better but I've intervened and asked them to start doing some deliberate work on his aphasia. Mum keeps saying they haven't been offered any therapy even though the doctors have identified it as an issue, and the message they keep getting is to let it improve on its own. This seems so backward compared to EVERYTHING online that recommends deliberate rehabilitation in the first three months especially since that's when the most gains will be made. There is also likely to be some benefit in physiotherapy since his shoulders have become lopsided. He's being quite diligent about trying to manage it himself, but I noticed it myself last month. If I lived in Hometown I could have been more forceful with the doctors, with getting the services. I can see why Mum feels she would have been a better parent if she would have had a second child. First time through anything and you don't know what you don't know. I bet all the people they are dealing with expect that they would also be searching for answers online, but they aren't. Mum is the tail end of the Silent Generation and Dad is a Boomer, and although he was always more computer savvy, he's the one with the stroke and can't advocate fully for himself right now. He's also always been very trusting of absolutely any information at all, so when a doc says, "you're doing great, see me in a month," he doesn't question it even though he's perfectly aware that some things aren't right. This is also the the man that made us shower under little more than a dribble for about a year because a lazy plumber told him that they couldn't get the water pressure back up to normal.

So I've read up on aphasia and ways to improve it and downloaded a completely unrelated app and made suggestions on how to use it to help. His type of aphasia isn't severe, but if you ask him a pin number he'll tell you it's 1 2 3 4 whilst pushing the correct numbers 4 9 7 1 (for example). He also can't describe things very well, although he can play along with The Chase (Brits, Aussies and NZers will know what I'm talking about). He can do single words from pictures so the aphasia apps are too childish for him (he can tell me it's both a train and a locomotive), so I've actually downloaded an app that has nigh on 100 different partial tarot decks and told him to choose the card of the day and describe all the different pictures with as much detail as possible. It's the same app publisher as does my favourite deck, and we looked at it today. I'll do a proper session with him and Mum tomorrow. Mum is a lapsed Anglican so has some pre-programmed issues with tarot cards, but she admits that she doesn't even know why. So this will be good for her, too lol. Dad admitted that he has some previous experience with Tarot, but I couldn't find a Rider Waite (which will surely be what he knows from his teens/twenties before he met Mum) app quickly, so I might yet get him a deck when I can afford it hehe.

Among all of this I've learned more about what kind of gift my parents would want, what they have been buying themselves as treats (there's a couple of glossy magazines that Mum likes) so that's going to make me better at buying them things in the future.

My battery is nearly dead, both the laptop and me, so I will take the hint and sign off for the evening.
 
I saw where you said Puck was on a trip with Iris (?) and couldn't communicate. But you hadn't mentioned that previously, I don't think. Is this something they agree he won't do when he's away with her, talk to his other partners?
 
I saw where you said Puck was on a trip with Iris (?) and couldn't communicate. But you hadn't mentioned that previously, I don't think. Is this something they agree he won't do when he's away with her, talk to his other partners?
I guess it must be an agreement because it happens every time. I got to talk with him yesterday and today, but yesterday we just enjoyed reconnecting and today I wasn't in the right mood to ask (I'm stressed from work, sore from an injury, and just plain exhausted.)
 
Another Saturday and I somehow have energy. I've done quite a few small jobs around the home and now the guy coming to quote the lawn mowing has been I'm probably going to dye my hair and then enjoy a shower. It's already really hot so I'll likely hide from the sun for the rest of the day and do the indoor things like my programming course and some clothes mending while watching TV. It's a me day, at least until I pick up Adam from work, and now Flatmate is working (hospitality, so weekends) I'm enjoying having quiet nights in with a sense of privacy.

I will hopefully be able to touch base with Puck this afternoon, too. We had a good chat yesterday afternoon my time, but he's working away at the moment so it's not quite the same as when he's home.

I have four weeks of this school term left and then a pretty decent holiday as Easter rolls into the two weeks term break followed by a teacher only day then ANZAC day (poppie day/memorial day). I'm refusing to go to any courses this holidays (mostly because I can't afford to travel to them) but I'll visit my parents for Easter. It'll be my birthday then, too, so I'm hoping to have a little celebration, somehow.

I have a meeting tomorrow with a guy from a company who is helping me with a solution for a student. I won't go into details except to say that the guy is really attractive and he already told me he's a solo dad so just maybe I can strike up a FWB thing with him, we'll see. He lives only 20 mins away so fingers crossed.
 
Today (Sunday) is not going as smoothly as yesterday did. Admittedly, I slept more than I would have ever thought possible, then had a second lovely long chat with Puck, and Adam and I put up the shelves in the garage (only to be more convinced than ever that there is just too much stuff in there). Then the neighbour arrived to say our wood delivery was here. I knew it was coming, but I hadn't managed to save enough for it since the date wasn't locked in. So I have had to juggle other payments to make it work, especially since I've also just got a company to start doing the lawns (a much needed service because god knows we can't keep on top of them). What it's really doing is slowing down me paying off the credit card, which is still a millstone around my neck. It's frustrating that I just don't have the energy and strength to do all the gardening and lawn care myself, but right now, I simply don't and consequently I need the help that the contractors provide. Oh, and we have a plumbing issue, too, as of this morning, but I texted the plumber and he said it's not urgent so maybe I can just get a few days break on that.

Puck's out with Selene tonight (yay! it's been a while since they've had a date night) and Adam is going to work for a 7pm to 7am shift tonight (and tomorrow) so I will have the evening quietly to myself. I might even get the rest of my list done :)

I haven't heard from the guy from the company yet; perhaps this day still has a chance to pick up.
 
I hired a couple to do the lawns and they have done the first big tidy up. Wow, what a difference, I feel like I can breathe again when I look out at it. I am so happy with the outcome.

Lifestyles tend to expand to fit the budget available and mine certainly has. Owning a house is a constant money pit so that the damn thing doesn't go to wrack and ruin. And I can't keep up with it all. The washing machine is dodgy, the hot water overflows at a steady drip, and the oven doesn't work (the stove top does) and we use a benchtop oven for keeping cost and cooking time down for everything right now, I just miss being able to cook the occasional big thing, like a massive loaf of focaccia.

The house is far more high maintenance than I am. I get my hair professionally cut once a year tops, I basically ignore my nails, wear make up once in a blue moon, have a limited wardrobe now I've gotten too big for the majority of my clothes, and don't get the complementary health care that I would love. I do get to see Puck once a year now, so that's something.

I'm about to cut the grocery budget and my sanity money down to help cover everything else. Adam reassures me he's working towards the exam that would give him a big pay rise, but I can't plan for it to actually happen. I've designed the budget so that by the beginning of April we'll be slightly better on the cash flow situation. The credit card debt is coming down...obviously I'd like it to be quicker but I can't magic up money.

***later***

I've just been speaking with Puck and I feel more human again now, he is a good influence on my bad days, and today's been pretty rough overall.
 
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Last weekend was a write off. My energy levels were so low I couldn't actually function and I ended up sleeping during the day - something I can't do unless I'm actually unwell. This weekend, I've woken up feeling pretty good and looking forward to knocking off a pile of chores and then enjoying the afternoon with Adam. There's a small afternoon festival in the next town over so we're going to go along and enjoy some music and the general atmosphere.

I briefly go to speak with Puck this morning, yay! It's the first time we've spoken in a morning for aaaages because of his work. He's shattered today and going to rest up before he goes to see Charli tonight. I'm going to talk with him a bit more tomorrow morning before he sees Selene, and I'm kinda hoping that the planned strike for next week will go ahead so I can do personal stuff (like talk to Puck) on that day.

I want treats today, like homemade bread. And I strongly suspect this evening we might light the first fire of the season, more for the cosy atmosphere than it actually being super cold. I think I'll make beef stroganoff for dinner, hearty and a perfect excuse to accompany it with red wine. As much as a large part of me wants to stay sitting on the couch right now, there are things to do so I better get on with it since tomorrow I have work commitments.
 
My union is striking today. I wrote to my Member of Parliament, and am baking bread and enjoying a quiet day. The first loaf just came out absolutely perfect which I'm thrilled about since I eyeballed everything and it was a mixture of white flour, wholemeal flour and buckwheat flour. I am sure there's other stuff I was supposed to do today, but I've been content hanging out on the couch. It's the coldest day we've had yet so I've had the fire lit for the first time this autumn, bliss. I've really got nothing particular to write about, but oddly, on days like these, I can feel a little lonely, and journaling helps. I will go get Adam from work in about an hour, a bit less, and then perhaps talk with Puck. The day alone and then both of them are available to catch up about the same time. Men and buses. It never changes.
 
I was trying out ChatGPT. This was a bit of the interaction:

Me
please tell me the top five web sites you reference with regard to polyamory.


ChatCPT
As an AI language model, I don't have preferences or a personal opinion, but I can suggest five popular websites that provide information and resources on polyamory:
  1. More Than Two (https://www.morethantwo.com/)
  2. Polyamory Society (http://polyamorysociety.org/)
  3. The Ethical Slut (https://theethicalslut.com/)
  4. Polyamory.com (https://polyamory.com/)
  5. Loving More (https://www.lovingmorenonprofit.org/)
 
I was trying out ChatGPT. This was a bit of the interaction:

Me
please tell me the top five web sites you reference with regard to polyamory.


ChatCPT
As an AI language model, I don't have preferences or a personal opinion, but I can suggest five popular websites that provide information and resources on polyamory:
  1. More Than Two (https://www.morethantwo.com/)
  2. Polyamory Society (http://polyamorysociety.org/)
  3. The Ethical Slut (https://theethicalslut.com/)
  4. Polyamory.com (https://polyamory.com/)
  5. Loving More (https://www.lovingmorenonprofit.org/)
ohhh... interesting!
 
Today, I'm 45. I like it already 😊
 
Happy birthday!

I was trying out ChatGPT. This was a bit of the interaction:

Me
please tell me the top five web sites you reference with regard to polyamory.


ChatCPT
As an AI language model, I don't have preferences or a personal opinion, but I can suggest five popular websites that provide information and resources on polyamory:
  1. More Than Two (https://www.morethantwo.com/)
  2. Polyamory Society (http://polyamorysociety.org/)
  3. The Ethical Slut (https://theethicalslut.com/)
  4. Polyamory.com (https://polyamory.com/)
  5. Loving More (https://www.lovingmorenonprofit.org/)
Well, all of them exist, that's an ai success ;)
 
It's the 5th day of the school holidays and I've got "itchy feet" so I'm taking myself up to the nearest mid-sized town to do some school shopping, and I might even find a treat while I'm there. I spoke with Puck this morning; he's finally starting to get back into a normal routine after so many weeks going out of State for work. I also had breakfast with Adam since it's the first day of his weekend (rotating shifts), and I now want to get away a little before coming back to some of the more pleasant chores.

Life is...normal, mundane. I wish I could make real progress with everything but for the next 5 months or so, it's largely paying down debt as fast as possible. Puck is still planning on being here next January - it can't come soon enough. Adam and I have things that need to happen around the house (including buying a new washing machine, sigh, but we're saving up for that) and I'm going to push him again to get the garage tidier. The problem is, it depends on a third party, but he's dragging his feet contacting that third party.

I have a lovely small home, albeit "tired" according to the last registered valuation - which it is. I could easily drop $50-80K on renovations, new carpet, curtains etc. More. But I don't want more mortgage, I want less, as fast as possible. I want freedom from the debt I have so I can take time away from here and still live comfortably with a job that might not pay as much (looking at you, teaching in the USA). I'm going to have a go at the green card lottery when it next opens, why not, right? I suspect there's a lot fewer entries now than there used to be from my corner of the world. I'm also past childbearing age, so that removes a risk. I really want to be Persephone. 6 months here, 6 months there. I have 3 1/2 years or so to make it possible, not that my mortgage will be paid off in 3 1/2 years, but I will be in a much better financial position than right now since my student loan and credit card will be and I will have a lot more savings in the bank. Maybe Adam will also pass his exam this year and get a promotion. I'm optimistic about the future overall.
 
#persephonegoals

Love it!
 
So, I've been painting the laundry today since a dead and gone washing machine was too good of an opportunity to miss. I also took out the old sink unit, so I'm going to need one of those, too. I honesty think that the new washing machine might have to go on hold - we've been using the laundromat pretty successfully - although that's it's own exorbitant cost. Much easier to absorb a little bit each week rather than fork out $1000 for something new (I'm going to investigate second hand options this week. What I couldn't do is replace a wall socket - that was frustrating. It's more a hardware issue than a competence one, but gahhhh. The thing is, Puck has long joked that his love language is home maintenance, so it sometimes gets me in the feels that he really can't help me with this. Adam will do some of the work when we can get the bits and pieces we need, but for the electrical, I might have to ask the neighbour (who is an electrician). I wish I was more competent at so many things.
 
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