Mono Couple becomes Poly Couple

So I spent the night at Jason's house on Friday! We went out roller skating and snuggled and watched a movie. We discovered why mixed packs of condoms are a terrible idea! Always double check that your condom is not "fire and ice" before anal because that mother fucker was terrible!!!!! We had a real great time together.
Came back and tagged out Spitfire so she could go spend her first night with Picard. Spent the night trying to block out the thought of them having sex. I fucking hate it. Why can't I be cool with it? Why do I fucking care? Like, it's so bad right now that I'm dreading having to touch her when she gets home. Why is my brain like that?!!!!! I don't feel like that when she gets home from Kirk's house.
I've been cleaning the house all morning. Just watched TV until around 4am to tune out my brain. Then my toddler was kind enough to wake me up on the couch at 0830. lol She was so annoyed with me! Since then it's been shower, caffine, and clean! Jason and Kirk are coming over in a bit for D&D!
Well I've got work to do but I needed to get that little bit off my chest. Feels good! Just need to make through the day now!
I'm sure you'll get used to knowing Spitfire is having sex, as time goes by. It can definitely feel painful at first. We are all strongly programmed to be mono. It's also hard to feel like a hypocrite knowing we just enjoyed sex with an OSO, but can't stand the idea of our SO doing that same thing. It's common to not want to touch our SO as soon as they come home from a date. It can also be common for that SO to need time to adjust, make the transition, and not want to be touched either! Generally 24 hours and a good shower and teeth-brushing helps.

I'm glad you had fun with Jason despite the painful condoms. Menthol on one's bits feels horrible to me too. I don't see how they can market that shit.
 
I'm sure you'll get used to knowing Spitfire is having sex, as time goes by. It can definitely feel painful at first. We are all strongly programmed to be mono. It's also hard to feel like a hypocrite knowing we just enjoyed sex with an OSO, but can't stand the idea of our SO doing that same thing. It's common to not want to touch our SO as soon as they come home from a date. It can also be common for that SO to need time to adjust, make the transition, and not want to be touched either! Generally 24 hours and a good shower and teeth-brushing helps.

I'm glad you had fun with Jason despite the painful condoms. Menthol on one's bits feels horrible to me too. I don't see how they can market that shit.
I keep telling myself it's going to get easier but the right now part of it sucks. We do a good pause and shower and toothbrushing rule in between partners. It does help. But yeesh!

Got some good advice today. It was recommended to me that while Spitfire's gone I try and focus my thoughts on something positive that I can do with her when she gets back, instead of what she's doing while she's gone. I'm going to give that a try. Hoping for the best.
 
Got some good advice today. It was recommended to me that while Spitfire's gone I try and focus my thoughts on something positive that I can do with her when she gets back, instead of what she's doing while she's gone.


This sounds very positive and proactive! :)
 
So I've been working with a new therapist. This one seems to be a little better than the last. Pretty frequent back and forth. It's nice. Been trying to make friends on OK Cupid. Somehow I've managed to match with a bunch of guys. I lose a lot of them when I tell them I'm not really looking for a relationship right now but want to make new friends but I feel way better telling them that up front.
Part of me would like to find a girlfriend and see how that goes, but the rational part of me remembers that I barely have time as it is for both Jason and Spitfire. I am seriously tired and burnt out with all the driving and scheduling. Maybe when the kids are older and I have more time on my hands.
I've been thinking about inviting Jason to the finale of my D&D campaign I have with my work friends. I'm a little apprehensive about mixing my work life with my private life like that. I think it's a throwback to being terrified of the repercussions. I'm out at work now. Bi, poly. I don't care anymore. It's not worth the exhaustion of having to hide who I am. Besides, this command pretty much already tanked my career so what's left to worry about.
My boss actually asked me about it the other day. "Do you and your wife date the same guy?"
"No. She has her boyfriends and I have mine."
"Well that's not really poly then."
"Yeah it is."
"No it's not."
"Okay, Chief."
I'm almost certain that woman hates me. Doesn't help my evaluations any. Oh well. At least I don't have to worry about hiding who I am anymore. I should talk to the guys in my game. I know Jason would love to play and I'm pretty sure they'd love to meet him.
 
Wow you're out at bi and poly in a military career? I thought that it was now OK to be a practicing homosexual, but not OK to be married and having other romantic/sexual relationships. I guess the idea is that that info could be used against you by the enemy or something. Or that it made you seem too unstable to serve your country properly.
 
Wow you're out at bi and poly in a military career? I thought that it was now OK to be a practicing homosexual, but not OK to be married and having other romantic/sexual relationships. I guess the idea is that that info could be used against you by the enemy or something. Or that it made you seem too unstable to serve your country properly.
I've spent the last 12 years afraid of the day someone found out I was bi. I'm done.
 
Started talking to Picard today. My therapist convinced me I was just being a stubborn asshole so I reached out. The word reached feels yucky in my mouth. That can't be the right word. Reached. Blegh!
So I've been having a nice conversation with him and I already feel much better about things. I've known this was the answer all along but, I just didn't want to be the one to extend the olive branch. Well chatting with him has humanized him in my mind. Wish I had just done it sooner and I'm so grateful he's not a total douche. Should have seen that coming. Spitfire would have eviscerated him if he was a piece of shit.
I miss Jason. Wish I could see him more often. I feel bad. He had a thing for an ace and I was really hoping that'd work out for him so he could have something more than some guy who lives 2 hours away. I wonder what happens when he meets a guy who wants a mono relationship with him. I think it's selfish of me to hope he chooses me. I can only see him maybe one day a week. In the case that there was a guy he could see everyday, I'd prefer that for him. He gets so lonely by himself. How do you deal with that? What a harsh facet of reality that is.
So I hope everyone is having a great week!
 
So things have been pretty good. Spitfire and I are doing well. Went through a bit of a rough patch while she mourned her breakup with Picard. That was annoying but I did my best to be supportive and give her the time and space she asked for. Finally started to get along with the guy and then I'm back to hating him. It's hard to like the guy after carrying the load of her breakup. I don't think I've mourned a breakup since I was 17 and filled with hormones. This is two for two with her. Can't understand wasting that much pain on someone I chose to not be with. Everyone grieves differently. Whatever. They're talking again and I'm back to hating him. Now it's not so much out of jealousy and more about the extreme inconvenience

Jason and I are doing well. He's been extremely busy at work but we've managed to see each other every weekend. We've been having a very playful argument over some D&D rules. I live for the back and forth. His birthday's coming up and I just ordered him a model of a Romulan warbird. I fucking love him and how nerdy he is. He makes me feel so comfortable. I dig it. His dog is kind of a huge cock block though. A beautiful sweet baby but, he always need to be directly between us! It's hard to be mad about it too because he's so fucking sweet! I'm going to go spend the night with him tonight. Spitfire's over at Kirk's right now so when she gets home we'll catch up and then swap out.

I've been talking to someone new. A woman this time. Not sure it's going to work out though. She's super cute and super cool and all but, the disregard which she speaks about sex with partners worries me. I'm not looking for anything exclusively sexual and if the inference about her high sexual turnover is to be believed then that would make her a high risk for our whole poly network. I don't feel like it's fair for me to decide to take that risk for everyone. It's definitely something I'd need to talk to her about and get more clarification on. Also, her preferences tend toward a more dom/sub dynamic. Seems like all the women I meet feel that way which is unfortunate as fuck for me. I'm just not a very dominant guy. It feels rude to me to assert that kind of dominance on other people, in a way that goes against something in my very core. It would be nice to find a new partner, but I am definitely content with making a new female friend.

I've been hanging out with Kirk a bit. He's kind of become one of my best friends. It's been cool. When Spitfire was busy mourning Picard, I called him in for reinforcements. He came over and we both spent the night loving on her. We even both snuggled her all night. It made her feel a lot better. I'm glad she found a dude like him.

And that's where I've been the last few months. Hope everyone is doing
 
This is a really lovely update. Sounds like poly is working out for you and you're really thoughtful about how you're moving through it. Thanks for sharing
 
So it's been a little over 6 months since I last posted. Things are going well. Spitfire and I realized we only have the bandwidth for one partner apiece. We're still open for more but neither of us really has the time or the energy or the gas money to see more people. Maybe when the kids are older and don't require so much supervision. Jason and I are still together. Things are good between us. Still don't get to see each other very much between their schedule and mine plus the distance. It's going to be even worse when they move back in with their parents. Their rental company raised the rent about $400 making it very not worth a one bedroom so they're just going to save up and buy a place. I don't blame them.

Spitfire and Kirk are doing great. They see each other one or twice a week and our kids are all great friends. I still count Kirk as one of my closest friends, though we never really get to see each other unless he comes over to hang out, but then he's always got his kids with him and hanging out with Spitfire so we don't really get to chill. There was one time where Spitfire passed out early (they're forever tired) and he and I stayed up till the wee hours of the morning shooting the shit and playing video games. It was a good time.

Spitfire and I are kind of in a weird way. We love each other very much but we've both got a lot going on. They're going through the rigors of being tested for Autism, I'm finally getting treated for my ADHD, we've both stepped up to more responsibility at work, we try and pay a fair amount of attention to our partners, and keep the house in order and the kids safe and entertained. We're exhausted all the time.

It carries over into the bedroom. We haven't really been intimate with each other for a long time now. Maybe like once a month or two. One of us is always too tired or too sweaty or too burnt out. Honestly, I don't even care about it that much anymore. At least we still love each other. I've been working with my therapist on getting over being afraid of telling Spitfire things and working with them on how to preface things so they have a chance to rein themselves in before they blow their top. I definitely do not feel as dependent on them anymore and that's gotta be a step in the right direction.

We're still working on things and growing as a couple. We're definitely in a cooling off phase. I'm curious to see where that'll lead. I'm sure we'll grow from it.

I'm drawing a blank on what to write now. Mostly I just want to rest after work, but I got an email update from the site and realized I haven't logged in for a long time. It got a bit weird around here. I had a couple of scam messages and a few solicitations for sex. Please, if you're reading this, I'm not looking to hookup. Spitfire and I are not interested in a third. I don't want to join in on your business venture. I don't want to meetup and hang out. I came here to get out of my comfort zone, learn about the people, work through my issues and, share my experience. Let me be.

That said, I'm open to friendly discourse in this thread. People are welcome to comment and ask questions but, I'm not likely to meet you in my DMs. The only DMs I need are in D&D! lol
 
Lol @ D&D.

I was thinking of you recently, @BrokenArrow - thanks for the update. It sounds like things have settled and it will be interesting to see how things develop with Spitfire.
 
Thanks for the update. And please, you and everyone reading this, please notify a mod if you get inappropriate PMs and we will take the necessary action!
 
Thanks for the update. And please, you and everyone reading this, please notify a mod if you get inappropriate PMs and we will take the necessary action!
No worries. Reported the phisher but, I understand some people use this site to reach out and find people to date, fuck, whatever. That's cool but I'm just not the guy they're looking for.
But the Phishing schemes... shame on them all.
 
Hello again! Don't mind me. Just going through some stuff and felt the best way to deal with it is to pour my deeply personal issues onto an anonymous public forum....

So things aren't going so great. Bashir (I had to dig back to page 2 to remember what I was calling him) came back into Spitfire's life. I'm not super excited about it as he's a constant reminder that Spitfire broke a boundary and my failure in being assertive and enforcing my boundaries. He's not a bad guy and I want to like him but I've got a lot going on right now.

Spitfire and I are currently not having sex. We had a big blowout when he spent the night as "just a friend"/"seeing where it goes" and I woke up to them cuddling on the couch with her having plans to move to the bed together. Now we still agree there is no sex with other partners but I'm cool with her other partner (whose nickname escapes me at this time) sleeping in the bed. So for her this was cool. She sees nothing wrong with going back to sleep with Bashir in our bed. To me, it was another person I'm not comfortable with being brought into the deepest part of my safe space. I was not cool with it. Spitfire and I argued about it, neither of us were super graceful about it. I spent that night at Jason's because it had been scheduled for a while and I felt that I deserved to at least spend time with one partner who didn't make me feel like shit for having feelings. It led to her screaming in my face she wanted a divorce in front of the kids 2 days before Christmas and me wholeheartedly agreeing. Then she stormed out and went to Bashir's house.

Ha! It's Kirk! All I had to do was scroll up on this page! Anyway...

So Spitfire came back for Christmas Eve and we worked out that we very much love each other and we need to go back to marriage counseling. Her relationship with Bashir continues and evolves. I keep getting butt hurt about it because OUR relationship is in shambles and we're trying to put the pieces back together, meanwhile I'm watching them happy and her actually wanting to spend time with him. It hurt. It still fucking hurts.

Kirk was pretty butt hurt about Bashir too but I talked him down from that ledge (I think I was successful). It felt nice, though, to be able to commiserate a little with someone else who could understand me on that level. I really am so fucking grateful to have that dude. One of my best friends for sure!

So there I was, feeling like I was basically Spitfire's friend/roomate who sleeps in the same room and pays for everything. Sleep is a stretch as I can barely sleep when I feel like this. I'm trying to make things better and failing miserably because I feel so hurt and slighted.

Fast forward through a few weeks of this to last Wednesday. We had agreed to open the house up to sex with our other partners but not the bed. I go spend the night at Jason's where I rode him like I was chasing down the Devil's herd and Spitfire had Bashir spend the night here. Well I came home early from work because we had marriage counseling that day. There was the air mattress blown up with messed up blankets in the living room. I started to clean it up, carefully picking up the comforter and moving it toward the washing machine, when Spitfire stopped me. She gently assured me she would do it (I need to pause and inject into this moment how much I fucking love her) kind of solidifying what I already figured. I asked and she told me that yes, they had had sex last night. I'm getting dizzy just typing that so bear with me here... It is the first time any of us had sex with another partner in the house, aside from a blow job I'd gotten in my bathroom at our last place.

Recap: Fooling around for me had been sanctioned for me because Spitfire had assured me the "in the house thing" only bothered me. I think she was trying to lead be example but I felt uncomfortable and kind of yucky the whole time I was doing it and it was thrown in my face (despite being assured that wouldn't happen) about a week later. Now to clear up my next statement, allow me to say I regard oral as being on a lower level than sex. That being said...

So it was the first time one of us had sex with another partner in OUR house. I'd agreed to it. It grossed me the fuck out thinking of Bashir's dick being out in my living room. It hurt me that he gets to share that kind of passion with Spitfire and that she doesn't want it with me but, that's not new. I'd been feeling that for a while. Spitfire doesn't feel emotionally secure and safe with me. She needs that strong emotional security in a partner to have that sexual drive. That almost hurts more.

I keep drifting from my story. So we go to marriage counseling and towards the end the dude asks me what I want out of life. Spitfire very accurately says "he can't answer that question. He doesn't know." She was 99% right. When worded as "what are you working towards" an answer comes to mind. I work my ass off so that one day I can live somewhere nice where I can finally relax and feel safe. Having said that I just started welling up with tears. I realize all that shit I was griping about up above is all on me. This isn't Spitfire's fault. I'm super shitty about setting and enforcing my boundaries. It takes monumental effort for me to express my desires and needs. I didn't realize at the time but this was the beginning of a panic attack.

By the time we get home, I'm shaking and sobbing. It's like my feelings were a bottle of champagne someone had shaken up and popped the cork of and feelings were just spraying everywhere. I couldn't get the cork back in. There was no regaining composure. My body kept clenching up and shaking. I felt like I was blacking out and my legs just stopped working and dropped me on the floor. Luckily I have an amazing wife who has been dealing with panic attacks for years and recognized what was going on. Unluckily for me I have an amazing wife who has 2 children with autism, a husband having a panic attack and a scheduled night at Bashir's. She hung out and talked with me until the children got home and settled in from school and off she went to get her much deserved break from all the madness. I feel like that's totally fair but it fucking sucked.

I kept my shit together fairly well. Dinner was weak as fuck but so was I at the time so I'm not going to judge myself to harshly. My youngest was also fairly kind. She didn't have any of her usual meltdowns or try to fight me at all that night. She got tucked into bed without any fuss. It was a lucky break. My oldest is incredibly awesome and they're at that age where they keep to themselves and hide in their room a lot. After the kids went to bed was when shit got real bad.

All the shitty thoughts just cycled through my head over and over until around 1am. Finally I started looking shit up. This is called rumination and is typically a symptom of anxiety, PTSD, grief... I dug a little deeper. It has become pretty apparent to me that I have abandonment anxiety. All of this shit; the hurt at her leaving to be with another man, the inability to express my needs, the blaming, the resentment, the people pleasing, the getting trapped in my own head, the migraines, the territorialness... all stemming from some abandonment trauma I never fucking addressed in my life. Can you imagine?! Thinking back to my initial post on this site I realize that Spitfire wanting to be polyamorous and me agreeing triggered some old trauma and created a new trauma based in my abandonment issues. Like, HOLY FUCKITTY FUCK! The more you know...

So I've spent the last week in and out of panic attacks. My whole body is in so much fucking pain, like I maxed out in the gym every day this week, and my right arm just starts shaking uncontrollably now. I'm really looking forward to seeing my therapist tomorrow. This emotional breakthrough had piss poor timing. Therapy on Tuesday, Marriage counseling and a mental breakdown on Wednesday and no therapy until next Wednesday. I have so much to work on.

I hope someone finds this information helpful. If you're reading this and are struggling with the same kind of shit mentioned above, get help! Talk to a therapist or some other mental health professional. Don't try and take this on alone. When they say growth is painful that is not just a figurative expression.
 
Hey BrokenArrow,

The whole longing for safety, stability and a home that's a sanctuary really resonates with me, as well as the pain of seeing my partner lit up from someone else while things between us have turned into nothing but drama. My exboyfriend and I went through that breakup/makeup in one night thing, too. More than once before he ended it finally.

YOU have been WAYYYYY more accommodating and understanding than I ever was. I pushed back, hard, on the not in our home thing, on the fact that I wanted the lion's share of his romantic and sexual attention. I'm glad I did, even though it ended our relationship. Hopefully Spitfire is not as my-way-or-highway as my exbf, and is actually doing things to make your relationship stronger. But I'm sad to see you in a relationship so painful it makes you drop to your knees. Many of us suffer abandonment wounds, and from what they call "anxious attachment." This often makes us stay in relationships that aren't working longer than we should, so we need to be careful of that.

I applaud you for expressing yourself and advocating for yourself. I know it's hard to do when you just want to love and be loved, but it's a sign of strength.
 
Hey BrokenArrow,

The whole longing for safety, stability and a home that's a sanctuary really resonates with me, as well as the pain of seeing my partner lit up from someone else while things between us have turned into nothing but drama. My exboyfriend and I went through that breakup/makeup in one night thing, too. More than once before he ended it finally.

YOU have been WAYYYYY more accommodating and understanding than I ever was. I pushed back, hard, on the not in our home thing, on the fact that I wanted the lion's share of his romantic and sexual attention. I'm glad I did, even though it ended our relationship. Hopefully Spitfire is not as my-way-or-highway as my exbf, and is actually doing things to make your relationship stronger. But I'm sad to see you in a relationship so painful it makes you drop to your knees. Many of us suffer abandonment wounds, and from what they call "anxious attachment." This often makes us stay in relationships that aren't working longer than we should, so we need to be careful of that.

I applaud you for expressing yourself and advocating for yourself. I know it's hard to do when you just want to love and be loved, but it's a sign of strength.
Thanks! It's really tough but ultimately, if I get past all my hangups, I get to have it all and my whole family will be better for it. Sorry things didn't work out for you and your ex. There's kind of a high stakes learning curve at times. Definitely did not take the easy route down Lifestyle Lane considering my issues. I wish you the best and thanks again for your kind words.
 
Had kind of a rough patch yesterday. Spitfire was staying at Bashir's. I had the day off so she said she was going to take advantage of that to sleep in then she'd head home. She asked if she had to rush back and I didn't see any reason she should have to. She took that to mean it was cool if she hung out all day. I took that to mean that she didn't have to literally rush when she was heading home.

So around 1 in the afternoon I was beginning to get annoyed. I had been playing tall man servant to our 5 year old all day while folding all the laundry, doing the dishes, cleaning the floors and tidying the house. I was expecting to get tagged out earlier and not lose my whole day off so I messaged her to see where she was at. They were just watching a movie and chillin. She was planning on being home around 4. I got really annoyed. I'd pretty much been watching the kids for 3 straight days and that blew my whole long weekend for "me time".

I started to get upset and ruminate on it. Finally I said to myself, I'm allowed to be mad and by 2 I'd worked up the courage to tell her how I felt. I shot her a message on Facebook figuring it'd give her a chance to absorb it so I didn't trigger her as soon as she walked through the door. I told her I was annoyed and that I felt taken advantage of. No answer. Not seen. No I'm shaking. I'm nervous and scared because I assumed it popped up and she saw enough to get pissed and annoyed. I start shaking.

Finally at 3 I realized I should clarify that I support her spending time with Bashir and getting away but I'm really aggravated how I spent my day was decided for me and I wasn't even notified until I asked at 1. No answer. Not seen.

Now I'm full blown shaking. I'm terrified she's pissed and we're going to fight about it when she gets home. I just wanted to express my feelings and advocate for myself. It's something I'm supposed to be working on. When it comes to her I have a bad habit of just agreeing to everything because I don't want to fight. Then I hold onto that anger until it becomes resentment and we get stuck in a cycle of triggering each other. I'm pretty sure I'm about to fire that cycle up here and my body was falling apart on me.

4 o'clock rolls around and I'm still a wreck of nerves and fear and anger. Still no answer. Still not seen. I figure she's either on her way or decided to stay longer without telling me to make a point about the sanctity of her autonomy. That's a real pissed off move. I am ruminating on it hard at this point. One of the ways to break the cycle is to write down your thoughts and feelings. Identify what triggered them. I acquired a little notebook just for this and began filling it out.

So then it's 530. I've had dinner ready to start for an hour, just waiting on her to get home. I decided to call her and get the facts of the situation. It rings and rings and goes to voicemail. I'm having a full blown meltdown at this point. I'm terrified I'm in deep shit with her. My whole night is going to go to shit because I had the audacity to criticize her. I'm still mad she spent my whole day without my input but the fear has driven that to a back burner. I message her one last time. "I'm guessing you're mad and not talking to me. I'm going to go ahead and start dinner then."

2 minutes later she's messaging me back. They had fallen asleep watching the movie and her phone was on silent. She was heading home as soon as she could. Let that be a lesson to you, dear reader, on how the mind can trick you into believing the shittiest things. She got home and was very apologetic. I realized she was apologizing for falling asleep and being later than she'd told me so I actually clarified why I was annoyed in the first place. That's when we discovered the miscommunication on the "not having to rush home" thing. Then she actually apologized. She was going to add more to it but she stopped. That's fucking HUGE for us! There was no "but" or justifying her actions. It was just a real no shit apology. I have no idea what she was going to say but, fuck it. I'll fucking take it. I think we're growing and it makes me feel really good.
 
And we exploded. I wanted to have a nice night. I wanted to seduce her. i wanted her to look at me with those eyes in the heat of passion and show me I can make her happy. Instead we yelled at each other a bunch and I feel like there's no point in going on with it.

Our youngest was home with her all day. I know how stressful that can be. I offered to massage out the stress later. She went up to bed to relax and I made the kids dinner. A friend of mine from way back got ahold of me to play a game I love so I ran it by her that if after dinner I did that. She was cool with it. Besides I needed the escape too. I made dinner for the kids and started playing. Mostly it was just catching up and talking about old times. Around 830 I got off and we went upstairs to hang out. We watched some Netflix and I worked on untying all the knots in her muscles. I let her know if she was ready for a "deeper tissue massage" to let me know. I know it's cheesy but if she still doesn't want me then what can I do? The ball's in her court and I'm just praying I don't miss the return. Then we were watching a Taylor Swift concert she found and things were going nice. I'd kind of got the feeling that she was too tired for sex and it was off the table so I settled in to just have a good time together.

More than once I looked over to see she was messaging someone else, who I took to be him. I figured, hey, be greatful for what time I get. Then this song comes on. I'm not exactly a Swifty and I don't know her songs real well but it was something along the lines of "I bought this dress for you to take it off me" and it hit me in the gut. I'm not the guy Spitfire buys the dress for. I'm just here. I felt so unwanted. She's sitting there with Bashir's hickey on her neck. She wants sex, she just doesn't want it from me. I feel so rejected. It hurts so bad. I try and keep it out of my mind but it's showing all over my face. She shuts the concert off and asks me what's wrong. Like a fucking idiot I tell her what's going through my mind. She's hurt and pissed. "You can't compare our relationship to mine and Bashir's. It's seperate." How is it separate? How do I stand a chance when the only time I get with her I have to share with the kids who burn her out and all her time with Bashir is free time with no responsibilities? She's already scratched her itch. What reason does she have to make love to me? Because she loves me? Turns out, that's not enough.

I've been going through these forums reading about countless other people who are going through this and the message always seems to be "It's over bro. She's most likely done with you"(paraphrased). I don't want to be another one of those guys. I don't know how to be what she needs. Every time I try I fall short. She even told me I had a chance tonight but I fucking ruined it. I FUCKING RUINED IT!!! Every time! I always fucking fuck myself over! I couldn't hold it in long enough and I just became a whiny little asshole about it.

I feel like I fucking need it though! I feel like I need to see her happy and passionate about me. I need her to crave my touch like I crave hers! I need that validation that she still finds me attractive and still desires me. But now I just feel like a pushy fucking asshole who fucking ruined it. I'm trying so hard and I'm just not enough. But Bashir is what she wants in a sexual partner. Good gods that fucking stings. I thought we were there and we weren't. I feel so unwanted. And now I've gone and pushed myself back even further. I hate it.
Why am I not good enough?
 
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