Not supposed to compare ourselves, but...

V

Vexxed

New member
So, we are not supposed to compare ourselves to our metamours. How in the world do you people go about holding to that ideal? Honestly, that's what I view that concept as, just an ideal. I know that it is helpful not to compare ourselves to our metamours, but I think that in reality we do compare ourselves.

I'm in a relationship with a married woman. I'm partner #3. Her husband (call him Aaron) I'd consider #1, and her other boyfriend (Baron) #2 (for the sake of explaining, and they've been together longer). If I compare myself to Aaron, I realize that I fall short in a couple of areas, but there is still balance, because I have qualities that he does not.

Now, Baron appears to be superior to me in many ways, and I can't find balance in my reasoning. Also, I don't care if Aaron is superior to me in some ways, because she is married to him, and I'm totally fine with her being married to an excellent guy. It is hard for me to deal with my perspective that she has more fun with Baron than she does with me, though. That causes me to feel a great amount of anxiety on their date nights, but except for drinking one night, I have contained myself and done nothing negative.

I know that she compares us, because she has told me that I may exceed her past/other lovers in one particular area. She meant it as a compliment, and I did take it as one. I also realize that her other lovers likely exceed me in other ways, with some of them being quite obvious and unquestionable.

I do feel inferior to Baron. I don't have enough good qualities for me to see some balanced benefits. I can't see balance in this comparison. Overall, Baron has many more qualities that the female population as a whole seek to find in a male partner. I only have a couple of those qualities. I only exceed him in being slightly more athletic, and I'm 6 years younger than her other lovers. I feel like the youthful trophy boyfriend to hold on to at poly functions, but without much else to offer.

I'm short; Baron is tall. I'm a laborer; he has an office job. I have an associate's degree; he has a master's. (And she has an even higher education.) He owns a home; I'm one of his tenants. He has more of a sense of humor. He is articulate and has a big vocabulary; I struggle with being articulate and having "enough" to say.

It is often said that your metamours are less intimidating after you get to know them. That has not been true for me. I did not feel inferior to Baron when he was just an acquaintance. Now that I live in the same home with him (she does not live here), I've become good friends with him.

What makes it even more complex and crazy is that there is potential for him and me to become sexually involved with each other. Okay, that bit of info could make this even murkier, but I'm attracted to men that are strong where I am weak, particularly concerning height and assertiveness.

So, since this may be something that can't be "figured out", how do you go about not comparing yourself to your metamours? I don't think that it is totally possible. I think that poly people just deal with it, and they are good at hiding some of their reactions to comparing themselves.

She is a very highly educated in the field of psychology. Nevertheless, I noticed that even she compared herself to another woman that I've been interested in. After meeting the other woman, it slightly influenced the way she dressed on our next date. I wouldn't have noticed, but she made comments that supported my theory that she compared herself and attempted to look slightly more like the other woman (whom I'm only friends with). It made me feel good to see that she is human too, no matter how well educated she is in matters of the mind.

So, I think we all make comparisons, but we force ourselves to handle it as smoothly as possible, to not rock the boat. What do you think?
 
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I totally agree. We do compare to others. I don't necessarily think it is bad, either. I get inspired by others, learned to put on makeup from others, how to act in tough situations from others, etc.

I think what is important is to hold on to your own confidence as your own person. Maybe you think you could be better? GREAT! If you didn't, then that would be quite boring, and leave little room for personal growth.

Acknowledging this is good. However, one of the hardest things is to believe your partner when they say you are special.

1) Find a partner you trust.
2) Trust that partner.
3) Trust yourself.
 
My new partner has some interesting thoughts on comparing lovers in this post. He makes a neat case for why it's a good thing to compare differences.

From the article:

And yes, I notice these differences. Be a bit bleedin' impossible not to. Hell, I cherish these differences, because every one of them is what makes each of the people who has blessed me by being part of my life unique.

And isn't that the point?

When you compare your lovers, when you notice the similarities and differences between your lovers--this is a necessary and inevitable consequence of seeing your lovers. Not as faceless, interchangeable units, but as human beings. You can not know a person, not in any meaningful way, without noticing those things that make that person unique.

It's not about comparing them on a stepladder to figure out which one is "best." Let's see, Gina gets four points for loving dogs, 'cause dogs are cool; Joreth gets six bonus points, because she hates the novel Stranger in a Strange Land, and I don't like it either. And the one with the most points wins. 'Cause, y'know, the one with the most points is the best one.

Instead, it's about seeing each of my partners for exactly who she is. When you do that, you see that each person is someone who adds value to your life-- value that any other person can't.

And that, my friends, is awesome.
 
Writing all of this down is giving me some relief. I'm going to really need the relief on their next date night, though. I've been in this arrangement for 5 months now, and for the last 2 weeks I've felt more anxiety than before on their date nights.

Thanks for the quick replies. I am relieved that some other poly people agree that we do compare ourselves to our metamours.

Baron is taller than me, and has a really nice smooth complexion. I'm short and have mild acne scars. It makes me feel inferior to him concerning my relationship with her, but it also is something that I'm attracted to about him, since I'm not exactly straight.

Being shorter is not as big of a deal in my life, anymore, actually. But I do find Baron's tallness to be an attractive quality. I mostly feel bad about being 5' 7" when new women overlook me. Since I'm already with her, and her husband Aaron appears to be 5' 6," my being shorter than Baron isn't all that bad. It is just the icing on the cake, if I'm baking a cake about feeling inferior.

What gives me anxiety is that she is very well educated, and so is Baron. He has a sense of humor. He seems to go on more exciting "party-like" dates. He can really speak well and captivate her. I feel like I fumble around. So, my being shorter is small chips compared to these last things that I've mentioned.

Yes, I have used all of this as motivation for self-improvement. I'm conciously working on my conversational skills. I've been owning audio CDs on the subject since long before I met her.

I'm going to be conscious about having "fun" dates with her.

I'm also working out again, as I've noted that she likes to admire my shape. She has complimented me. She also complimented me on being romantic, and I've been doing well at that, since I realized early on that I had many creative things to do for her.

Finally, my room, or my things, appear neat and organized. I noticed that she kept her home that way, so I knew that if I did so too, that she would feel comfortable. I can be neat, or have an organized mess. I've lived both ways, so I chose to keep my space similar to how she would keep her space. Baron has much clutter, and that stands out to her.

I pointed out those last things that she likes about me because I feel that it is important to this debate to admit that there are a couple of things that I do feel confident about So, here's more observations (with some repeats).

I can be clean, I can be fit. I can be creatively romantic. I can't be well-educated, tall, articulate, funny, etc. (Okay, maybe I can make her laugh once in a while.) I ride bicycles with her and Aaron. Baron does not. I ride horses extremely well, so does she, but her other partners either don't ride, or don't ride well.

Honestly, having less of an education, and being less articulate than her or Baron is a tough one for me. I may enroll my ass into a public-speaking class, or something similar.
 
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I also don't think this is unique to polyamory. Monogamous people compare current lovers to previous ones. Sometimes you feel threatened when you meet an ex who is brilliant, handsome, charming, and you wonder, "Why did she leave him? What if she goes back with him?" The nice thing about poly is, they're still seeing that person, and despite whatever he's got going for him, she still decided she wants to see you too. So you remove that threat of "Maybe she'll leave me to get back with him."
 
SchrodingersCat, I agree that mono people face the same issue or comparing to other lovers that their current partner has had. I also agree that the idea that she "is still with me" is helpful. Also, she started dating me after already dating him, so I must have been enticing in some way. That concept does help me a little.

Still, I'm not cured. For example, I believe that feeling disapointed about being less articulate is justifiable. Also, feeling insecure about being less entertaining is justifiable in my eyes.
 
Vexxed, it's true, I do notice and I'm aware of the differences and similarities of my partners. How can I not if I've truly gotten to know them?

The difference I'm seeing for myself is that I revel in the differences. I have no desire for my boyfriend to be exactly like my husband. I enjoy the differences... probably more than I enjoy their similarities.

I choose to be with both. Because of who they are. Period. They each add something special to my life.
 
Hi Vexxed,

Yeah, as many others I see have already posted, it's natural to compare. The key is to understand the difference between compare and compete, maybe? Comparing lets us do a little self-analysis at times, and even point out areas we may discover we've been slacking in. Not a bad thing. And like someone else said, it also allows us to see good qualities in others and just have an appreciation of them. But letting that get carried away and becoming a competition is where it can turn to negative.

Compare away. :)

And that was funny about your GF. You can probably have some fun with that.

GS
 
GroundedSpirit said:
That was funny about your gf. You can probably have some fun with that.
Click to expand...

What's that, GS? Do you mean how she dressed more like the other girl that I introduced her to, so therefore she was "trying," rather than just being herself?

For example, let's say that Baron is more attractive than me in eight ways, and I'm only more attractive than him in three ways. It is really tough to deal with. I'm not literally counting, but that's how I feel.

Now, if Baron and I were different and attractive each in eight or so different ways, that would be much easier to deal with. Even with differences, there would be balance.

On the other hand, I feel like I have balanced differences with Aaron. I feel no anxiety when she is with him, which is very important, because she is with him more often than she is with either of us.

I feel emotional pain, but it is still worth it to me.
 
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Vexxed said:
What gives me anxiety is that she is very well educated, and so is he. He has a sense of humor and seems to go on more exciting "party-like" dates. He can really speak well and captivate her. I feel like I fumble around. So, my being shorter is small chips compared to these last things that I've mentioned.
Click to expand...

I like and look forward to having a regular date with my bf, during which we lie around watching movies at home, turn in early, and lie around in bed chatting the next morning. I go on "party-like" dates with HB, but I don't always enjoy them.
 
Okay, we are peeling off layers of the onion here.

She appears to be really captivated by Baron, and almost giddy when they come in from a date, and are on their way to his bedroom. They look to be in early-stage foreplay, and as if they are communicating silently while he or she talks to me, or to other roommates that are still awake.

I don't feel like I connect with her to that same extent. I suspect that Baron's ability to engage her in conversation is a major explanation.

That's the trigger that causes me to identify the areas that I feel I fall short in, such as being less educated, less articulate, and having less of a sense of humor. Then it seems to me that she is wooed by all the ways in which he exceeds me. It just so happens that they are areas that bothered me before I entered into this relationship.

He's watching television right now. I had an exercise session scheduled for tonight. This thread just reminded me. I think I'll get up and do that.
 
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Vexxed, please remember this. She had Aaron before you, she had Baron before you, AND she still opened up to include you. She sees something in you that is adding to her life. Try to stop worrying about her needs being met with you. I would say it is pretty obvious they are, my friend. Unless you feel like she was merely "trying you on," so to speak, and that you are now being ignored, focus on what you feel she is bringing to your life and stop worrying about what you think you are not bringing to hers.

Are your needs/wants being met? Are you happy in your love and affection towards her? Are you possibly projecting your own lack of fulfillment?

If you are happy in what she is adding to your life, then please try to relax and trust that you were added for a reason... because you are unique and valued for who you are in her life.
 
I would just like to say this because I haven't seen it yet. It seems obvious, so maybe that's why it hasn't been said.

To me, it doesn't seem like Baron's traits are the problem. It seems to me that your opinion of yourself is.

First of all, do your girlfriend a favor and stop meshing her in with the collective female population. She has tastes that are unique and individual, and I'm willing to bet that she has things that would wildly defy the image that the media tells you is attractive.

Secondly, if you can come to terms with that, talk to her about what she appreciates in you. Take the opportunity to share with her what you like about her. Hearing the other person say what it is they like can be revealing sometimes. (I never would have thought I had a nice ass!) It can be soothing to the little voices in your head that are comparing you to some ideal.
 
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Mono, she is meeting all of my needs. I would like for all us to talk more freely about our experiences with each other, but her and Baron don't talk very much about their time together. Being more open about things would be satisfying to me.

She was attracted to my level of fitness, and to my accent. Also, I had "pre-selection" working in my favor at the first three poly functions that she saw me at. I always had one or two women accompanying me to the functions, and they were usually the prettiest women there. I appeared to have a high value on the dating market at that time, especially within the poly group.

I think that she is with me because I'm younger, fit, like to read, rarely watch TV, and I go to poly functions. Also, we have two common interests.

Sure, I realize that I provide a couple of things that her other partners do not. Nonetheless, I don't feel like I captivate her, or make her feel giddy.
 
As far as people are concerned, one's whole is always greater than the some of one's parts, especially in matters of love.

A list of qualities does not a person make. And it certainly isn't what brings love to a person.
 
What a "whole" person consists of is the sum of their qualities. All the qualities are added up, even if not consciously.

I think that in reality some people's total sum as a whole person ads up to more than other people's total sum. Authors of various books would agree with me. We all have a value on the dating market.

Even if she and I were mono, I feel like I have a lower value than her, and therefore she is dating down, due to me having less of an education, and my humble career. The only thing that I can see that spans that gap is that I'm a bit younger, etc. This is probably at the root of me feeling inferior. The fact that Baron exceeds me in many areas just adds to how I already feel.
 
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Oh man, could you over-think this more? I'm sorry, but I'm sure she thinks none of these things when she is out enjoying you company. I have several loves and people involved in my life. I don't think about a list of things I like about them. Maybe that is just me.

In my opinion, and respecting your process, perhaps you need to think about what you love about yourself and put the best forward to everyone about who you are. Obviously, she sees good things in you, regardless of education and your body. I don't walk around lamenting the fact that I have a master's and my two men barely graduated high school. One of the men I spend time with has a master's also. It doesn't make him better! Mono is very well built. He works out regularly; PN doesn't. It's not something that I have a need to dwell on, or even consider when I think of my love for them.

Yeah, some work on your self-worth might be a good idea. Not for your girlfriend-- FOR YOU! You should be coming first here, not her and what she thinks. I would like to hear about what you love about yourself.
 
I never once suggested that I want to work on her. I don't want to change anything about her.

I know that I need help. There are things wrong with me.
 
Sorry, if you are talking to me, I didn't say you needed to work on her. I think you need to work on yourself!

No, I don't think these things are "wrong," just an indication that perhaps you need to look inward to love yourself first and see your own worth.

I think any good relationship is built on more than what one accomplishes and what they look like. Good relationships, in my experience, are built on being oneself, loving oneself and having a good personal outlook that is special and unique to you.
 
I really have to agree with the previous comment that this all seems to have more to do with your own self-esteem than it does the other two guys. They're just giving you something specific to fixate on, externalizing your feelings about yourself.

My husband also has moments of low self-esteem, where he wonders what a beautiful, educated woman like myself is doing with a goofy-looking high school drop-out railroader like him. Sure he's funny, kind, considerate, generous, but none of those are why I love him. I love him because of who he just is. I would love him if he were paralyzed, or in a coma, and unable to do any of the things we love doing together. When I tell him that, he almost gets upset, telling me that he wouldn't want me to waste myself on being with someone in that state. And nothing he says ever gets me more angry than that.

I've never found lists of positive attributes to be any good for finding people to love. Never mind "people are more than the sum of their parts"... I think people, who they truly are themselves as individuals, are even completely separate from their parts. You can change all the parts of yourself: become educated, get in shape, practice conversation, learn to be funny... those are all just skills that you can learn. But none of them change who you are. I go to school with people whom I find handsome, intelligent, funny... all the things that are great in a partner. And you know what? I have no romantic feelings for them whatsoever.

Take the positive aspects you see in Aaron and Baron, things you envy, and learn how you might incorporate them into yourself. But do it for yourself, not because you want to be more like them. Want to be better educated? Take a course at the local college. Want to be more articulate? Practice conversations with women at coffee shops.

He's tall, you're short. I prefer shorter guys, so I don't have to stretch to kiss them. Maybe she gets tired of him always talking her ear off, and really loves the way she can actually get a word in edgewise with you. And I think office guys are totally boring, whereas I love the natural muscles that labourers get just working. Greasy sweaty stinky guys working hard are SO hot! Don't assume that your differences from him are negatives!
 
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