I quickly scanned back and saw you say "I was living the poly dream that was built on lies and deception."
Uh huh. My dream was from my 20s and it took until my late 30s to make it come true. I have different dreams now.
Wasn’t there only 1 arm (Mono) out of 3 or 4 that was based on lies?
Mono was the biggest deceiver and liar, because it was on purpose. Perhaps everyone played their part, though. Deception and lies were everywhere. I also lied to myself and deceived myself. Other than Mono, I think the lies and deception were out of lack of understanding ourselves and/or out of personalities coming together. I think it's the nature of any dynamic of people coming together that there will be lies and deceit at times. I think, as humans, we do that all the time. I don't believe anything was done on purpose, but as a result of what the story became over time.
The difference with Mono was that he was fully aware of his actions and how they would affect others. He tried to keep the secrets, lies and deceptions under wraps, as a result, and ultimately failed.
The others were simply being themselves. The closeness we had led them all to deceive me and themselves. I deceived myself and lied to myself because I wasn't paying attention to reality.
I was so immersed in my dream and so overwhelmed with the time it took to balance my life, that I created a situation where I thought everything was under control and how I liked it. But it was far from that. I've learned to never complicate my life in that way again. As a result, I spend a lot of time alone, prefer my own company, keep others at arm's length and only hold a handful of people close to my heart. I take a long time to mull over choosing people to be in my life. I think the world has changed too, though.
My story happened at the dawn of social media and during a time of far more trust and bluntness online. Now people aren't as quick to trust or communicate as openly online and in real time, as a result. At least, that is what I have noticed. I think age and stage has changed me also. Let's not forget that I am on my own now, with my teenaged boy, and that brings a whole new perspective, as I need to take care of my house and kid on my own.
And yes, I can see it as problematic, painful but wouldn’t the structure give you the support to tie off the severed limb and get back to living the dream by replacing that arm with a new one?
No. It's impossible to replace an arm. There is no arm like the arm I had. Lol.
My dream has changed now, anyway. I've done that dream. It's checked off. It was never meant to be a lifetime dream, I guess. It was just a flash in the pan, fool's gold. I'm sure there is gold out there for me, but not in the same spot as I was in.
I am completely different now. I've got my pan ready for when I see a flash again, but this time I won't be jumping up and down singing 'hallelujah' at the first glance of that flash. I'll be weighing it up, examining it under a microscope for imperfections, finding out its worth before even announcing I have it.
When that day comes, I will write here. Who knows, I may just throw it away or keep it as a sovereign of the time I'm spending finding the nugget that's worth displaying and being thrilled to find (as I feel I am with the man I'm dating now). In the meantime, I'm gold panning with one arm. Harder to do, a longer process that requires more focus and skill, but I'm a veteran and I can do it. I will do it.
As I recall, the dream was PN, Mono, Derby, Leo. Is the Leo you mention now the Leo from back then?
PN! Right! I had forgotten my ex-spouse's name here. Thanks for the reminder.
No, the current man is a Leo, in terms of the sun sign. The old Leo was also a Leo, but not the same Leo as now. I hear from Leo every now and then. He lives with his wife still, and has a long term girlfriend, as well. Once she came on the scene, he had little time to talk to me. Ironic, considering he used to complain that I didn't have time when I had several partners and didn't have time to talk. Meh, we haven't had much to say to each other since I changed paths. I see him and what we had differently now. I have tender feelings for those times, but I would never have gotten as close to him as this new me. I wish him well and talk to him when it comes up, but I have no desire to hold onto that connection in any way.
What happened to Derby do you still see her/remain friends?
No, we aren't friends and I never see her or talk to her. I hear she is happy and well, divorced and with a new man. She's not with the man that I was also with. I don't know if it's a poly thing with this new guy or anything beyond that. I wish her well but I have no interest in reconnecting, even to reminisce about the past. I have mixed feelings about what happened with her and prefer to chalk it all up to experience and my past, a place I have moved away from.
What happened to your ex-wife?
My ex-wife is still around! She bought a house down the street from me a few years ago. After a break-up with the woman she lived with there for a year, she met a woman at the poker club we were in. I knew she'd be a keeper and I was right! They got married this past summer and I was part of the ceremony in a small way. There were only a handful of people there, just their families and two closest friends. Since then they've worked hard to get pregnant and are due with a boy in a couple of weeks. My ex-wife is the carrier of her new wife's egg with donor sperm. She'll be 47 this spring. It's unbelievable what science can do to make a women's dreams come true!
I saw her today looking plump and healthy and complaining that her arms were falling asleep and that she only can sleep an hour at a time. I will be auntie again. I'm so excited!