Sex - Random Questions

FallenAngelina

Active member
I wouldn't say that I am poly or am kinky, but I certainly have and do enjoy relationships with quite a bit of both of those elements. I've never been to an organized event, the kind that is more or less open to the public. I have enjoyed invite-only parties in private homes. I think I fall under the "unaffiliated" umbrella, never having been to an organized, publicly announced event.
 

KC43

New member
Other than this forum and a few groups on Fetlife--and the monthly karaoke night Woody hosts, which is a Fet event--I'm not really active in or part of any communities, per se.

I am polyamorous. I am kinky, though whether i'm currently acting on it is up for debate and would depend on how you define "kink," "submission'" and so forth. I don't think one necessarily has anything to do with the other, at least in my case; that is, i'm not submissive *because* I'm poly, and I'm not poly *because* I'm submissive, it just happens that I'm both.
 

JaneQSmythe

Active member
My two cents. Bisexual woman. Gay male porn does nothing for me but my lesbian friend loves it - she feels it is more raw and erotic than most lesbian porn, and she hates hetero porn.
 

nycindie

New member
. . . the "men having feels" aspect . . .
Gawd, do I detest the use of the word "feels" to substitute for "feelings!" Ick, ick, ick. Feels is not a noun. I hate it, hate it, hate this recent trend! Whenever I read it, I get highly irritated. I refuse to make that substitution. I'm glad you put it in quotes - doing that sort of invalidated it, in my view.

/rant

May I just point out that not all gay men are "effeminate?"
Of course I know that, but I never said they were. The question was about women who enjoy gay male porn, and I only meant to say that perhaps women who find effeminate men (or men who are not the typical stereotype of masculinity) might be more inclined to want to check out guy-on-guy porn. Saying that is not the same as saying something as silly as "all gay men are effeminate." Although I admit, I knew I needed a better word than "effeminate" when I wrote that but couldn't think of any other way to put it.
 

FallenAngelina

Active member
Gawd, do I detest the use of the word "feels" to substitute for "feelings!" Ick, ick, ick. Feels is not a noun.

A phenomenon known as nominalization and it's done to convey various messages, but I agree that this particular use of the word is trendy-jargon-annoying, much like saying "my ask" and "the solve" when you want to sound modern and in the know. Using "feels" instead of feelings seems to be an attempt at ironically saying that "many people are uncomfortable with their feelings and how very sad for them, but not me, the writer."
 
Last edited:

Spork

New member
A phenomenon known as nominalization and it's done to convey various messages, but I agree that this particular use of the word is trendy-jargon-annoying, much like saying "my ask" and "the solve" when you want to sound modern and in the know. Using "feels" instead of feelings seems to be an attempt at ironically saying that "many people are uncomfortable with their feelings and how very sad for them, but not me, the writer."

Wow, interesting! I have not heard of the "ask" and "solve" ones. They sound rather awkward to me.

I use some of these, "feels" included, in a spirit of playful intentional wrongness. Part of this is the fact that I have teenage sons, and I like using their jargon for the same reason that my Dad used to appropriate my slang...I found it mortifying when I was a kid, and I like to mess with my children. I've reached an age to appreciate my father's intentional lameness. In my opinion, these intentional misuses are kin to a lot of internet slang, the same flavor as the "I can haz" cat speak, the "So grammar. Very word. Much wrong. Wow." format of the Doge memes, and all of the "epic fail" talk you hear from almost any teenager in America these days.

Underlying the dynamic of "my lame parent who thinks it's cool to say YO all the time" is this thing where in fact the parent has done lots of cool stuff that the kid has little or no knowledge of, and is actually far cooler than the inexperienced teen who is posturing to establish some kind of an identity. The teenager of course cannot and will not believe or accept this until (maybe) when they are an adult and realize that they were raised (and humiliated) by a freaking rockstar. I didn't learn that my "lame" balding middle aged father had partied on several continents and lived the wild life, until I was an adult. As a kid I only knew that his attempts to use hip hop slang made me want to crawl under a rock.

What I love is to not only throw my kids' slang and weird grammar tricks at them, but to also use slang and phrases from wayyyy before their time (and mine actually) which usually earns me a baffled blank stare. Go on and tell a 14 year old that you're "hip to his jive" and see what he does. It's hilarious. Well. If you're old and lame, I guess...

And now back to your regularly scheduled sexytime topic.

Very stimulate.
Much orgasm.
So emotion.
Wow.

:D
 

Dagferi

Active member
That said, I don't know that many completely vanilla poly folks (but then there are those who would argue the fact that they're poly makes them intrinsically not vanilla).


...

I am poly and very vanilla. Bdsm, d/s, etc personally creep me out. Much to my very monogamous husband Butch's dismay. I don't care if others do it but I want absolutely no part of the whole thing.
 

nycindie

New member
. . . this particular use of the word is trendy-jargon-annoying, much like saying "my ask" and "the solve" . . .
Never heard usage of either of those, but they remind me of "my bad," another pet peeve of mine.

In my opinion, these intentional misuses are kin to a lot of internet slang, the same flavor as the "I can haz" cat speak, the "So grammar. Very word. Much wrong. Wow." format of the Doge memes, and all of the "epic fail" talk you hear from almost any teenager in America these days.
Ugh, my sister gets into the whole I can haz thing, and I never understood why she thinks that's funny. Nor why anyone does. I also don't understand why people think saying "kittehs" instead of kittens is amusing. And, well, I've never heard of this "So grammar. Very word. Much wrong. Wow" and I have no idea what a Doge meme is. But I am rarely ever around teenagers, thankfully. Of course, I'm familiar with "epic fail," but that doesn't bother me as much as all of the above.

Go on and tell a 14 year old that you're "hip to his jive" and see what he does. It's hilarious. Well. If you're old and lame, I guess...
Yesterday at work, a customer used the word "groovy." I loved that! Brought me back.

Anyway, back on topic...
. . . I don't know that many completely vanilla poly folks . . .
While I will occasionally do some kinky things in the bedroom, I don't need them every time I have sex, nor to feel satisfied sexually. So I consider myself non-kinky (hate the term "vanilla" for that - it always feels insulting to me). In fact, the main reason I stopped going to Poly Cocktails and other poly get-togethers in NYC (where I live) is that there is simply too much crossover with the kink community and I found it a major turn-off because conversations at those events always turned to kink or everyone used kink terminology. I was just there to meet other polyfolk and enjoy a classy cocktail party, but the kinksters made those gatherings all about kink. So frustrating.
 
Last edited:

KC43

New member
My kids often will say things like "I haz all the feels". On the other hand, if *I* talk like that, Country gets annoyed and corrects me.

Woody, Hubby, and I--and a number of other adults we know--say "feels" in that context, mostly because it's amusing. I do it to poke fun at myself if I get overly emotional, e.g. crying at a movie, or doing a happy-messy cry because Hubby or Woody says something I find particularly touching.
 

FallenAngelina

Active member
"I've read over the material and my ask is this: How can we get these sales figures up, people?"

"Barry's team has the solve for this marketing dilemma."
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
"I've read over the material and my ask is this: How can we get these sales figures up, people?"

"Barry's team has the solve for this marketing dilemma."

Oh, so, "my ask" means "my question," and "the solve" means "the solution." It reminds me of when Galagirl always says, "You are expecting him to mind reader you," instead of just saying, "read your mind." Ugh.
 

Spork

New member
I work in a cubicle farm and we had a new supervisor who makes me a little crazy. She looks all punk rock with the way her hair is styled (shaved sides, like a grown-out mohawk and dyed usually) and tattoos and stretched piercings and all. At first sight I thought she might be an interesting person I might enjoy getting to know. Then she started talking. And talking, and talking. Not only is she a jargon spewing corporate shill, who says so much stuff that means absolutely nothing to anyone... "Going forward, we're going to leverage the synergy of the global village to facilitate compliance with the blahblahblah..." but that isn't even the worst part. The worst part is that she's relentlessly bubbly and perky and ends every sentence on a higher pitch like she's asking a question, but she's not asking a question. It makes me absolutely nuts. And she always makes meetings go long with her talky talk. I keep waiting for this place to beat the enthusiasm out of her, but it hasn't happened quite yet.

So...I'm not hearing "ask" and "solve" used like that here yet, but I imagine it's only a matter of time. They love using trendy language from the latest "leadership skills retreat" or managerial mojo seminars in this company. On the bright side I cannot complain TOO much about my job in general...at least we've got good snacks.

This was supposed to be a sex questions thread ya'll, what are we doing?? lol

So I have a question/issue:
Pleasing partners. If my partner is not particularly vocal or is one of a few I've got who do not get off easily, I feel like whatever I might be doing to them isn't good enough. Is boring them or I'm doing it wrong (whatever it is.) I'm not just talking about direct sexytime stimulation, I could mean massage or whatever. I start to feel awkward if I can't tell if they're really enjoying what I'm doing. And I wouldn't really expect them to tell me if they weren't, or if they were bored or if I were not doing something right. I know men worry about "performance" but man, I do too! Especially when I've got partners who are difficult to get climaxes out of anyways.

This is part, I think, of what leads me to being more of a "bottom." I'm just not very secure in my abilities or actions in the "top" role. (These terms at their most basic aren't necessarily even about kinky stuff, but like who is doing what to whom...you might bottom for a massage for instance.) But of course too much of that even with a very accomodating lover who wants to do the things to me (Zen) starts making me feel like I'm not putting enough effort or attention into pleasing him...but then I can't, and he isn't very demonstrative even when he is at least enjoying something, and I get discouraged... *sigh* Anyone else have difficulties like this?
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
I'm afraid I'm one of those people who's not very responsive. Basically, if I'm not saying anything, all is well. :)

Snowbunny often asks me if there's anything she's doing wrong ... you know, whenever I have trouble getting "started." I always say, "No, it's not you." My body just doesn't cooperate like it used to. Maybe it's because I'm getting older? I have no idea. All I know is I used to get aroused in a heartbeat. But nowadays, the engine's slow and unreliable. Once it starts everything works pretty well, but the starter motor struggles.

Anyways, when it comes to talking during sex, I'm really bad about that. If something must be communicated, I'll at least communicate without words if I can (such as gently guiding Snowbunny's hand or whatnot). Sometimes talking splashes water on the flames, does that make sense?

I'm more comfortable talking about the sex after the sex is all done. So I'm not forever silent, but I tend to be silent during the act. Sorry folks ...
 

Spork

New member
I'm afraid I'm one of those people who's not very responsive. Basically, if I'm not saying anything, all is well. :)

Snowbunny often asks me if there's anything she's doing wrong ... you know, whenever I have trouble getting "started." I always say, "No, it's not you." My body just doesn't cooperate like it used to. Maybe it's because I'm getting older? I have no idea. All I know is I used to get aroused in a heartbeat. But nowadays, the engine's slow and unreliable. Once it starts everything works pretty well, but the starter motor struggles.

Anyways, when it comes to talking during sex, I'm really bad about that. If something must be communicated, I'll at least communicate without words if I can (such as gently guiding Snowbunny's hand or whatnot). Sometimes talking splashes water on the flames, does that make sense?

I'm more comfortable talking about the sex after the sex is all done. So I'm not forever silent, but I tend to be silent during the act. Sorry folks ...

For most of my (sex) life I've been that way, too. Kind of almost afraid to talk, feel awkward about it, in my head thinking "I sound stupid" or generally too self-conscious. Then I was with that one guy who blew my goddamn mind...and it wasn't because he was good at getting me off, it was just he was so pleasing to my perceptions...and he wasn't the typical ideal of gorgeous either, although after I had been with him my eyes saw a different man. No, it was his "passionate" sort of behavior, lots of vocalization (words, sounds, dirty talk, loud when he "finished.") It was, frankly, really really hot. And I heard men say that they liked a vocal and demonstrative lover. So I began to try to loosen up in that regard.

Of course now, with at least one of mine, we're doing a lot of pain play either by itself or blended with our sexytime, and I can tell he loves my yelps and whimpers and pain responses. Another just likes sounds in general, another is into dirty talk, and the last enjoys having me speak fantasies aloud. Talk about pushing comfort boundaries! But for me, pushing those limits has been something I actually WANT to work on.

I just keep worrying that I'm not doing enough...it's one thing I miss tremendously about the Worm King, I could get him there so easily. Again and again, up to three times in a single evening, which I think is pretty good for a guy in his late 40's. Yet I guess it didn't mean much, because he pushed me away anyways, and these ones I am with now seem to like having me around. Sometimes I just feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. It sucks to have a high enough "number" to be "experienced" but most of it barely counts because it was me as a teenage kid playing with other teenage kids more or less at the time. Not a lot of useful information to bring forward into adult relationships really.
 

Perrey

New member
I am going to admit this... here I go. I enjoy the power exchange of Femdom. I love the idea and the play of having a man meet my wishes/commands/directions. I prefer domestic discipline over leather or the more serious forms. No flogger for me. I couldn't whip anyone or hit. Well, spanking is fun.

I hesitantly admit this because I am still coming to terms. I am not a pushy kind of person. I am frank and honest but not outspoken. Mostly I am quiet. I speak when I choose and how I choose. I am not an extrovert. When I began exploring this facet of my personality I encountered a lot of outspoken, demanding, direct women. I am direct, I am confident but not "pushy" or overly "demanding." This is the difficulty I've had. I don't match the common perception and have to find comfort in that. As its new to me, its just processing through it and saying, "Yeah, I am this too."

My favorite scenario is a man in a suit who I control and does what I say. A tall man in a suit. With glasses. Rawr. :D
 

Spork

New member
I am going to admit this... here I go. I enjoy the power exchange of Femdom. I love the idea and the play of having a man meet my wishes/commands/directions. I prefer domestic discipline over leather or the more serious forms. No flogger for me. I couldn't whip anyone or hit. Well, spanking is fun.

I hesitantly admit this because I am still coming to terms. I am not a pushy kind of person. I am frank and honest but not outspoken. Mostly I am quiet. I speak when I choose and how I choose. I am not an extrovert. When I began exploring this facet of my personality I encountered a lot of outspoken, demanding, direct women. I am direct, I am confident but not "pushy" or overly "demanding." This is the difficulty I've had. I don't match the common perception and have to find comfort in that. As its new to me, its just processing through it and saying, "Yeah, I am this too."

My favorite scenario is a man in a suit who I control and does what I say. A tall man in a suit. With glasses. Rawr. :D

The part that I bolded for emphasis, is not strange in the slightest. The woman who owns and runs my local BDSM club, Voodoo, is an introvert. She is actually kind of shy and quiet most of the time. But get her in a small group or one on one conversation, and get her speaking her mind...direct, confident, but not pushy or demanding... Her nickname in the community is "The Motherfucking Queen." She is part warm and motherly, sweet and quiet...and part...well, part badass, I don't know. She does throw whips with incredible skill (she's quite good at making it sweet sensation play, not painful) but I hear that actually serving her is a real pleasure. I sometimes resist a strong urge to kiss her boots, or at least kneel and kiss her hand. The wish to do such gestures is not necessarily a desire to be submissive to her, but I feel a TREMENDOUS respect for her and something inside of me often wants to express that. She's got a greatness to her energy that is hard to explain, and she doesn't have to be loud for that signal to come across clearly.

At the moment, she is exploring her submissive side though, as with many, the exchange of power flows differently with different partner dynamics. Doesn't change the way I see her one bit.

But one need not be a brazen extrovert to be a Domme, nor must one be a sadist or into certain kinds of play. Every single aspect of such things is completely negotiable, as it should be.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Yeah, it's absolutely a stereotype that a Dom or Domme has to be large and in charge. Many Doms I've met (the good kind) are actually kind of shy in public. Porn is not real life. And not all Dommes were leather and tall boots lol!

I've Dommed or Topped a good many men and a couple women, impact play, giving orders, butt secks, and other kinks, and I am motherly but fierce. One other woman I dated for a few months told me, "You are so gentle...! Except when you're not."

But I am a switch and totally into bottoming nowadays, for men. With miss pixi it varies. I did however, over the winter, give anal to a man, a Dom, who had never had it before, with some success, I believe. (We'd had some D/s on our other dates with him very much in charge.) He asked for it. And he got off. That was kind of a thrill. *devil*
 

Perrey

New member
But one need not be a brazen extrovert to be a Domme, nor must one be a sadist or into certain kinds of play. Every single aspect of such things is completely negotiable, as it should be.

In my meanderings in learning more and more about female domination, I can't say I subscribe to any one tenant. There does seem to be some very specific types. Which, considering humanity, is bound to happen.

I believe individual negotiation is vital to expression and exploration. The difficulty is being thrown into those specific types based upon very little information. As humans, we love to categorize and label. That is where I am treading and trying to find my personal comfort zone.

Too often a label is applied with a broad stroke and its difficult to see the individual inside. Yet, how true is that in life? Happens more than not.

I don't think anyone has to be any ONE way in order to part of a community or identify with a community. I have trouble when it is applied to me.

Example, when I say I am polyamorous and the automatic assumption and categorization is "swinger." I am not a swinger but the connotation is there.

With the female domination, domme or femdom is applied and with it specific connotations. Some I am comfortable with, some not. Leather, not so much. Being the one who directs, who disciplines, that I like. Very much so.

Another example: My sexuality is more of a demisexuality. I want and need deep emotional connection to feel attraction. Yet, I know I can love more than one person. To some, it would seem a contradiction. To me, its just how I am wired. I also would love to meet a tall man who wears glasses and suits who I can dominate.

As a friend of mine once said, its always the quiet ones.

and I am motherly but fierce. One other woman I dated for a few months told me, "You are so gentle...! Except when you're not."*

I've been called The General. I am not motherly. I am soft and kind. Yet the word gentle I wouldn't apply to myself. A friend once described me as formal, direct yet compassionate. I tend to be emotionally disconnected until I know the person. I am more gregarious just because that's my personality type.

I am, as ever, amazed at how people view me.
 
Last edited:

BonzaiBlitz

New member
On the subject of femdom, it wasn't until my wife and I opened up that I was able to take a good look at being a submissive.

Males in the Bible Belt typically aren't even allowed to consider being a submissive, since it's considered "feminine" and anyone even thinking of leaning in that direction risks being labeled "effeminate," which Bible Belt society deems a fate worse than death.

But I've had major performance anxiety over the years, most of it stemming from the fact that I felt like I HAD to be the initiator EVERY TIME.
I had to be the one to think of everything done in bed, and I ended up thinking more than enjoying myself, and thus having unsatisfying sex over and over again.

Since opening, my wife has gone full-blown submissive, connecting with a dom and enjoying every minute of it.

I've connected with a dom as well, and while circumstances have prevented us from more frequent play, it has been an exceedingly freeing experience to just take commands and enjoy the sensations.
It has also surprised me just how ROMANTIC d/s play can be, especially once comfort and trust are established.

It gave me great insight into the reasons and process behind my wife's deepening attachment to her dom.

I was shocked over and over again in my first session with my dom at how many times and how deeply I felt closer to her as a result of whatever was happening at the time.
...the fact that I had always wanted to try anal play, and her expertise was firing every nerve in my body simultaneously, didn't hurt either.
 
Top