Sex - Random Questions

icesong

Member
Honestly I think in this man's case, it's his youth even more than his marvelous good looks that makes me less interested. He's only 28...which, to me, is barely even an adult. Maybe the layers and the depth I'm looking for, are really EXPERIENCE and layers of life lived and stories to tell. Or an energy I can take seriously as Dominant to mine in some way. Maybe I have "daddy issues" after all. Maybe Freud was right!? LOL!!

I don't know - I'm almost-35 and I don't think I could sub to a 28 year old either, unless they had INTENSE charisma of some sort and even then... I might want to play, but it'd be a completely different headspace.
 

Spork

New member
I don't know - I'm almost-35 and I don't think I could sub to a 28 year old either, unless they had INTENSE charisma of some sort and even then... I might want to play, but it'd be a completely different headspace.

Yeah I tried to imagine it, and the only thing that keeps coming to mind is him actually being submissive to me. Which I suppose might actually be fun, now that I think about it. But he doesn't have anything on his fl profile indicating an interest in that role...

Hm.

You know. I have not really explored my Domme side properly. I kept the "evolving" tag on FL because I don't feel like being locked into a role. I'm not a sub. Not really. I've been a bottom and a masochist. In my teenage play, I was sometimes Dominant, but I had no real idea what I was doing. Just messing around, playing with roles where I found the energy fit.

That might be something that I get into one day, if the right partnership presents itself.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
I can bottom to just about anybody. Male, female, older, younger. I've bottomed in play to my partner miss pixi, who is 22 years younger than me and much smaller than me. And she's basically a natural sub, and only Dommes me on very rare occasions.

I was in a sub relationship to Nick last year, who was 34 to my 60. It was GREAT, he was wonderful. Sigh... perfect.

My bf Punk is 42. He's not a natural Dom but is an assertive lover. Last night when we started sexy time, he was focusing on my breasts, and my hand wandered down to my pussy. He noticed and got a bit of a stern look, shoved my hand away with his hand and gave my hand a little slap. He took a hold of my vulva, and said, "I'll be the one playing here! Mine!" That was so hot to me, I ended up having dreams of him being real Dommy to me last night lol
 

River

New member
I have a new friend, a woman, who revealed to me that (a) she's had sex only a very few times, and (b) every time has been very painful. I'd like to tell you the contex in which this revelation occurred, but for her privacy I'll have to keep mum on that. Let's just say that she shared this information in a small group context in which we discuss intimate topics as a group. I'm not romantically involve with her. She's a new friend.

She's been medically evaluated for this sexual pain experience, and everything checks out fine, physically. Her "tube" -- as she put it -- may be shorter than average, but nothing appears to be physically wrong with her.

She described having had a more or less lifelong shame around sexuality issue.

Could this rather extreme pain in sexual intercourse have a psychological rather than physical cause or root? Does anyone here know about such matters?

I am attracted to her, and I do have a coffee date with her soon. But that date is most likely purely platonic in nature. But then again, maybe not? Who knows? I just want to explore our new friendship. In any case, I want to understand more about these sorts of things.
 

River

New member

River

New member
Okay, that didn't generate any responses. So let me try it this way...

Are there any women in this forum who have experienced pain during sex which was not the result of a strictly physical cause (which had a strong psychological dimension)? If yes, would you be willing to share with us about if and how you worked through it and got to a place where sex was pleasurable rather than painful?
 

Spork

New member
Okay, that didn't generate any responses. So let me try it this way...

Are there any women in this forum who have experienced pain during sex which was not the result of a strictly physical cause (which had a strong psychological dimension)? If yes, would you be willing to share with us about if and how you worked through it and got to a place where sex was pleasurable rather than painful?

I'm sorry I didn't see this post like, a month ago.

With regard to your friend, I'd have a lot of questions and she'd have to be comfortable enough to be asked them, to honestly want to answer them.

First of all, for some of us, size matters but not in the way that many men seem to think or want it to. In other words, if you are "YUGE" then um...it's gonna hurt. Personally I prefer average-sized equipment on my male partners. I can do bigger when it's toys or hands because we are taking time, we can gauge how much is being inserted and so on... But when a guy is plowing away, galloping down the road to his own pleasure, and he's too large for comfort, it can become painful and unpleasant.

Also, some women experience serious discomfort when the cervix is "bumped" and size can matter, as can position, as can changes in her anatomical shape and size due to hormones and cycles, arousal and so on. I know that for a few days after my period, I can have some tenderness and pain might occur if the wrong area is probed at aggressively.

And then there is the psychological part, because the more a woman is relaxed and really enjoying sex, the body becomes somewhat more willing to accommodate. A bad headspace is not good for this. And a bad headspace could be anything from prior trauma or issues, to a not-so-comfortable connection, to self-critical body issues.

I would say that I had many experiences with my ex where pain was part of the picture, and not fun pain, and I dealt with it until he was done (thankfully that didn't take long) but I was not really enjoying sex. Part of that was size, part of that was psychological. I didn't feel emotionally safe enough to freely and shamelessly discuss sex with him, to try and make it better for me. I had walls up for my own protection, emotionally and mentally, with him. Sex was all about tending to his needs to "be a good wife" and even him asking me what I wanted felt like, "How do we make you want me, since my needs are not adequately met?" or "How do we make you enjoy sex so that my ego is satisfied?" It never felt like he genuinely cared about my feelings or my experience.

And if you feel horribly un-sexy, it can be difficult to relax enough to even try to be truly aroused or to have fun.

So I would be asking not only about the physical aspects, but also how much time and attention was given to her pleasure, how satisfied she was with it, how much experimentation and play was going on to discover what feels good to her, and definitely how she felt about the relationship overall, and how confident she feels as a desirable woman.

All things are possible factors.
 

JaneQSmythe

Active member
...
Are there any women in this forum who have experienced pain during sex which was not the result of a strictly physical cause (which had a strong psychological dimension)? If yes, would you be willing to share with us about if and how you worked through it and got to a place where sex was pleasurable rather than painful?

...
then there is the psychological part, because the more a woman is relaxed and really enjoying sex, the body becomes somewhat more willing to accommodate. A bad headspace is not good for this. And a bad headspace could be anything from prior trauma or issues, to a not-so-comfortable connection, to self-critical body issues.

I would say that I had many experiences with my ex where pain was part of the picture, and not fun pain, and I dealt with it until he was done (thankfully that didn't take long) but I was not really enjoying sex. Part of that was size, part of that was psychological. I didn't feel emotionally safe enough to freely and shamelessly discuss sex with him, to try and make it better for me. I had walls up for my own protection, emotionally and mentally, with him. Sex was all about tending to his needs to "be a good wife" and even him asking me what I wanted felt like, "How do we make you want me, since my needs are not adequately met?" or "How do we make you enjoy sex so that my ego is satisfied?" It never felt like he genuinely cared about my feelings or my experience.

And if you feel horribly un-sexy, it can be difficult to relax enough to even try to be truly aroused or to have fun.

So I would be asking not only about the physical aspects, but also how much time and attention was given to her pleasure, how satisfied she was with it, how much experimentation and play was going on to discover what feels good to her, and definitely how she felt about the relationship overall, and how confident she feels as a desirable woman.

All things are possible factors.

Honestly, the times that sex is painful for me are almost entirely psychological but it is definitely more of an issue with more "well-endowed" partners. When I am not engaged/excited then sex can feel more like an obligation, a chore to "get through" (like an extended GYN exam). To those men who think "more lube" is the answer - it isn't...if the nerves register pain instead of pleasure when the volume is turned up, then pressure is as irritating as friction. If you say "I'm almost there." then you god-damn well better be!

PIV is not the best part of sex for me, indirect stimulation of the clitoris is. Oral stimulation and strategic use of vibrators is better for me than penetration.
 

Spork

New member
It's a weird thing.

I have had a whole lot of sex where I didn't get off at all. I enjoyed some of it anyways, because I was jazzed about the person I was engaging with and just being sexy and performative and naked with them was fun, even if I did not finish. For a while I could only get there on my own, with a lot of direct pressure, and it was not penetrative play that did it for me. I didn't feel comfortable helping out during sex, as a young person, but that did change during my marriage. I guess oddly, part of that was I stopped caring what he thought about it, and just took care of my own needs. Before, I worried about male egos, but with the Ex I felt like he could take his ego and shove it if it bothered him. But it didn't, to my surprise (remember I was 18 when we got together, so had a lot to learn) it not only didn't make him insecure, he thought that it was hot. Well ok then.

But eventually I lost most interest in even doing that with him. I just wanted him to get it over with. I thought I had lost my ability to enjoy sex entirely.

After him though, I found better connections and my enjoyment of sex in general, and PIV in particular, is far greater these days.

I mean, maybe part of this could be that Zen is sized and shaped in a way that stimulates me very well, which is true. But there's another element that is definitely psychological. When I'm into it, I am REALLY into it, and there's something in the energy between us that drives me straight to happy town when we have sex. And all the acts I didn't think I even liked, put me over the moon with him. Before him, I did not think I even liked oral at all. I felt bored and slightly uncomfortable with it. That has changed.

It's a fact for sure that my brain MUST be engaged for me to enjoy sex. I can have the exact same stimulation, but if my mind is not switched on and in the right gear, so to speak, it just won't even feel good.
 

River

New member
Thanks for those wonderful, useful responses! I'm digesting. It's been a weird, challenging day for me. I'll eventually reply more … adequately.
 

ElMango

New member
Are there any women in this forum who have experienced pain during sex which was not the result of a strictly physical cause (which had a strong psychological dimension)?

I'd like to respond too if that's okay! I did't see this before!

I'm an absolute open book, so if you want to ask me anything I'll answer it at least over DM.

So, I've always been a person with a high libido. Like, I out libido two male partners.

When I get stressed, very anxious or my eating disorder brain kicks in; sex both makes me feel good via the biological side, but can make my body very unwilling to participate. The mind body connection is way stronger than people give it credit for! Even having one or two painful experiences can enforce to you brain that it will be painful, which increases stress and then makes a vicious circle.

One thing I do in those scenarios is go slow. Lots of foreplay; as much as it takes for my brain to really relax and my body to really respond to my brain cooperating. Neither of my partners are doms; but I am fairly subby. So, I try to focus on that aspect of myself as well and try to focus solely on my how my body is responding to pleasure.

If my men need to take 30 minutes of warm up, they will. If we need to do things with clothes on until my brain and body chill, we do. If we can't even get to PIV sex, we don't. It's about training your mind and body to expect and want pleasure; positive reinforcement so to speak.

Over the years, and getting help for my anxiety and ED, has helped a lot. I've gotten coping mechanisms and worked on that side of any sort of pain. As well, I worked on finding out any possible sore of pain being simply physical. My IUD caused physical pain for me during sex. That caused my body and brain to be REALLY nervous. Once I got it removed, it still to about 6-9 months to relax back into things and be really comfortable again.

Some people will also try, with masturbation, focusing on helping your brain assume PIV sex will be a good thing via dildos or a dildo vibe mix. I have vaginal orgasms and prefer them, so I worked mainly with my menfolk to chill my body/brain.

I hope this helps!
 

Evie

Active member
Hi River

If I'm not aroused, penetration can hurt, first in the initial stretching of the opening to the vagina, but more annoyingly, in "deep" - which actually feels shallow and really bad ouchy. However, the more aroused I am, the "longer" I perceive my vagina to be and I can take a pounding without pain.

Not sure how much is psychological and how much is physiological (because I have the normal travel of the cervix at different times of the month), except for finding it rarer these days that I get aroused.
 

River

New member
I'm reading.... Haven't had much to say, but reading with interest and gratitude for what everyone has been offering here. Some of the responses have been especially illuminating! Thanks!

By the way, I'm also curious to know what folks here might say in response to the following question.:

This question is for anyone, whether male, female, or somewhere in between.

I suppose it's really a series of deeply interrelated questions, instead of just one..., hmmm....

Is your level of arousal / excitement in sex proportionate to your level of pleasure in sex?

and

Are arousal and pleasure in sex largely dependent on establishing affection, trust, warmth, bonding, and that sort of thing?
 
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Spork

New member
I'm reading.... Haven't had much to say, but reading with interest and gratitude for what everyone has been offering here. Some of the responses have been especially illuminating! Thanks!

By the way, I'm also curious to know what folks here might say in response to the following question.:

This question is for anyone, whether male, female, or somewhere in between.

I suppose it's really a series of deeply interrelated questions, instead of just one..., hmmm....

Is your level of arousal / excitement in sex proportionate to your level of pleasure in sex?

and

Are arousal and pleasure in sex largely dependent on establishing affection, trust, warmth, bonding, and that sort of thing?

To the first thing, yes, I think it's almost impossible to enjoy sex if I am not aroused. That doesn't mean my body will be showing the most predictable signs of it, because bodies are weird like that and like for instance during times of my cycle or if I'm dehydrated even, might not be as obviously wet but my brain has to be on board, arousal processes happening, or I'm not really going to be enjoying sex.

Someone could do the exact same motions of physical stimulation and they might bring me right over the edge...or feel just mildly annoying and not really good at all, depending on this.

But to your second question, no it's not all about affection, trust, warmth, bonding, etc. I mean those things CAN be part of a situation where someone allows themselves to be vulnerable and engaged and have a good time. But on the flipside, that would imply that casual sex can't really be fun, or that a woman in a situation like a swinger event or whatever, something where it's more of a kink deal, might not enjoy playing with a stranger or a near-stranger. Not so.

If you don't feel NEGATIVELY toward the person you're having sex with, and if your "this turns me on" buttons are getting pushed, whatever those might be, you can get all kinds of aroused and have a great time. I have experienced truly satisfying sex with my partner that I trust and love...I also experienced it with the "Worm King" who was a relatively casual fling, and I certainly did not trust him! In fact he often felt downright dangerous, which was part of the spice of it all. He was very emotionally unavailable, there was no bonding really possible, but we did at least generally seem to like and respect each other and he was affectionate in a fun way, if not exactly a loving way. Like cuddling that also features someone randomly biting or roughly handling your body when they feel like it.

Some women feel so deeply uncomfortable with the entire notion of un-bonded and un-emotional sex, that they cannot be in the headspace to enjoy it at all. For some of us, a romp is just a romp until or unless it becomes negotiated to more, and it can still be a heap of fun.
 

Evie

Active member
1. Yes, the more aroused I am, the more pleasure I get from sex. I have had plenty of sex where I'm not aroused, and if there's the right physical stimulation I'll quite potentially cum. But the best sex for me is the full experience. Arousal generally starts in the mind for me, and whatever the chemicals are the then flood my body and make me feel "horny" - well, that's where the fun really is. I can get rather primal about sex if that's going on, and that is fantastic.

2. Although trust is a turn on for me, it's not essential. I can get aroused by someone I've just met, or perhaps known but had very little to do with before. Call it chemistry, but sometimes it's just there. And damn I will rip that ************'s clothes off if we're in any kind of position to do so. Used to happen more so when I was younger, though, probably because I was mentally more available for casual sex. And for me, there's generally more arousal during the NRE/honeymoon phase of a sexual relationship (including FWB ones). After all, as a heterosexual person that's when my female body still believes that this male body I'm fucking might be able to impregnate it, despite my actively child free status. My mind might know I'm child free, but my body is still keen to give it a shot, and if it doesn't get pregnant, it will lose interest and seek to move onto the next fella. Of course, my mind does have the final say in this so I'm not out there chasing NRE based arousal.

The bond I develop with someone can help induce arousal, especially if doing chakra energy play. But I've also experienced very arousing power exchange with people I've known only briefly beforehand. Quite honestly, if the guy is the right flavour d-type for me, I'll be in a little puddle of arousal nearly instantly (remembering very early interactions with Golf, as well as a couple of others).
 

JaneQSmythe

Active member
Is your level of arousal / excitement in sex proportionate to your level of pleasure in sex?

Yes, absolutely.

Are arousal and pleasure in sex largely dependent on establishing affection, trust, warmth, bonding, and that sort of thing?

No.

Actually, for me, personally (more so, I think, than for many people - in my observation) these are actually quite separate.

Emotional intimacy is really quite difficult and scary for me. Stereotypical INTJ in this regard. This can actually be a barrier to my enjoyment of sex, for myself, because my brain can't stop analyzing my partners responses, feelings, etc. which takes me "out" of the physical experience of the moment.

Pure sex for the sake of sex (NSA) is much easier for me to enjoy. No baggage to analyze. I can let myself go and be the hedonistic greed slut who enjoys a good fuck!

This dichotomy is reflected in my two primary relationships. My relationship with my (largely asexual) husband, MrS, is a classic example of "companionate love" - deeply emotionally intimate, massive amounts of affection, trust, warmth, etc. but minimal sex. (Cuddling and nuzzling abound!). My relationship with my (very physically sexual) boyfriend, Dude, is much more skewed to the "passionate love" side of the equation.

On very rare occasions (generally while in a chemically altered state of awareness and in situations thoughtfully engineered by my two boys) the two come together spectacularly! :D

Poly lets me express my different loves differently with partners who enjoy different aspects of love expression. (This also ties in with the concepts of "love languages" and MB personality types.) On the sexuality spectrum, my understanding of "demi-sexual" is that, for these folks, the warmth/affection/bondedness is required for sexual arousal. So, that may be a demographic that would answer your questions differently.
 

ElMango

New member
Is your level of arousal / excitement in sex proportionate to your level of pleasure in sex?

Most of the time, yes. Sometimes the foreplay and excitement will be way more pleasurable, even without orgasm, than PIV sex. Others, I just want the D haha, and that is the most amazing part.

I'd imagine that part of it would be if you can only have clitoral or prostate orgasms vs if you can have from penetration?

Are arousal and pleasure in sex largely dependent on establishing affection, trust, warmth, bonding, and that sort of thing?

For me, arousal is less emotion based. Many things can make he horny. Emotions do make the arousal process way more fun for me.

Pleasure in sex is absolutely improved with emotional bonding, and deeper emotions for me. It's more fun, and even kinky stuff is better. I find for the most part, if we can laugh and have fun during sex or during foreplay then I have a much better time
 

River

New member
The bare minimum I require for there to be arousal and pleasure in sex is some degree of trust and some level of feeling of what I want to call "genuine human connection and/or affection". For me, if these are not present, I may as well masturbate instead of involving another human being, as it's just not going to be pleasurable without trust/affection/connection.

I could get to sufficient trust/affection/connection within a few hours, though, if the person has the qualities I'm looking for -- which lead to trust/affection/connection. If I take less time than that I'm rushing things and it's not going to feel quite right.

I don't require a profound commitment to a lasting relationship, nor a "relationship escalator" situation, however. A casual, and genuine, friendship is the minimum for it to feel right, though.

The only exception that comes to mind might be if I'm giving someone new a massage, or receiving a massage. I love giving and receiving massage and the nearest thing I have to a fetish (kink?--prolly not) would probably be the massage that "gets a little out of hand". :p
 

feoly

New member
Have you ever tried threesome with sex dolls? My girlfriend are not into poly relationship, so I want have a sex doll involved in our sex.
 
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