The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

So... my focus is figuring out how to tolerate things until they work out....I now sleep on an air mattress in the dogquarium. I have noise cancelling headphones to use if I don't want to hear their laughter. I can stay at the hospital or a friend's house if I don't want to be home (hasn't happened yet). Worst case scenario, I can afford to stay at a hotel.
 
What exactly is a dogquarium did you buy it or have it built?? how expansive was it ?

Noise cancelling headphones or earbuds …what brand ?

Any reports on Dude since his dramatic exit ?
 
What exactly is a dogquarium did you buy it or have it built?? how expansive was it ?

It came with the house! It started out as an outdoor patio off of the kitchen - with double giant sliding glass storm doors. As various owners added on to the house it became a covered porch, then an enclosed sunroom - with another giant set of sliding glass doors into the backyard. Consisting of all exteriors walls and doors on a concrete slab, with the doors closed it is basically a sound proof box with glass on two sides. It's the dogs' room when we have company or are going to be out of the house. My nephew named it when he was about 7.

Noise cancelling headphones or earbuds …what brand ?

Sony

Any reports on Dude since his dramatic exit ?

Nope. Apparently he also hasn't been in touch with family (those that he was not already estranged from) as his aunt called MrS a few months ago to ask if we knew where he was. (I'm guessing Florida or Arizona with an ex-girlfriend and nothing in his name.) Periodically I google his name and search for obituaries and public or police records.
 
It came with the house! It started out as an outdoor patio off of the kitchen - with double giant sliding glass storm doors. As various owners added on to the house it became a covered porch, then an enclosed sunroom - with another giant set of sliding glass doors into the backyard. Consisting of all exteriors walls and doors on a concrete slab, with the doors closed it is basically a sound proof box with glass on two sides. It's the dogs' room when we have company or are going to be out of the house. My nephew named it when he was about 7.
clever and funny kid 😝😝😝👍 I don’t know him but I think I’d really like him 😁

I think I made the mistake of ordering online and not physically testing the different brands. i got Bose. And recently one of my furry friends damaged bordering on destroyed them. Did you do any testing ?
Nope. Apparently he also hasn't been in touch with family (those that he was not already estranged from) as his aunt called MrS a few months ago to ask if we knew where he was. (I'm guessing Florida or Arizona with an ex-girlfriend and nothing in his name.) Periodically I google his name and search for obituaries and public or police records.
That’s kind of what I figured …someone or some agency would come looking for him trying to his next move.


AS for your current situation it’s sort of funny and sad how our egos or will get involved in trying to save people from themselves and I’m no expert addictions or recovery but pretty sure there isn’t enough on demand pussy licking that cure or prevent the next bender. Doesn’t Waif represent high risk for STD transmission for The whole team / cule ?
 
AS for your current situation it’s sort of funny and sad how our egos or will get involved in trying to save people from themselves and I’m no expert addictions or recovery but pretty sure there isn’t enough on demand pussy licking that cure or prevent the next bender. Doesn’t Waif represent high risk for STD transmission for The whole team/'cule ?
I'm not sure if JaneQ wants this kind of advice on her blog, so let's ask... Do you mind getting these kinds of questions/comments right now, Jane?
 
Last edited:
OK. I vented. It's okay, it's fine. NOT my project, NOT my problem.

You all are free to comment - and I know that I can reasonably ask for accomodations to allow me to feel comfortable. DH(=dingedheartNOTdearhusband)) and I are cool.
Mags - you Rock Awesome!

clever and funny kid 😝😝😝👍 I don’t know him but I think I’d really like him 😁

yup.

Whenever I fall into a funk and try to beat myself up about how I am a "failure as a woman" for not procreating and merely resting on my laurels, I can generally get myself out by pointing at my awesome sisters' awesome kids (who they are raising awesomely!) and think to myself that the genes are NOT lost!!!

I think I made the mistake of ordering online and not physically testing the different brands. i got Bose. And recently one of my furry friends damaged bordering on destroyed them. Did you do any testing ?

IDK? Purchasing tech is MrS's department (now that Dude is gone) - I just use the tools he chooses for me.

AS for your current situation it’s sort of funny and sad how our egos or will get involved in trying to save people from themselves and I’m no expert addictions or recovery but pretty sure there isn’t enough on demand pussy licking that cure or prevent the next bender. Doesn’t Waif represent high risk for STD transmission for The whole team / cule ?

Good question...and yes. Less so in herself - although I don't think you can trust her own accounts (she is a pathological liar IMO - as a defense mechanism) and her abuser keeps her on a short leash. The last sex-worker that they utilized apparently required documentation of recent testing (which I have actually seen) but more so in that she goes back and has sex with her abuser who has sex with rando's as part of her "punishment"...

There is a thread here (and links to various articles available) about STIs and poly for a broader discussion but, for myself, I find that I am much less concerned as I have gotten older and pregnancy is no longer part of the equation. I already have HSV-1 (I've had cold sores since I was in pre-school) and HPV (as does practically everyone who had sex before the vaccine was invented). Most other STI's are fully treatable with antibiotics, so HIV is really the only elephant left in the room - so, if I was heavily invested in recreational sex then I would have us all on PrEP. But the transmission of HIV via cunniligus is minimal...and MrS isn't having PIV (or A or X - some other orifice) sex with either of us, so...? the only person I am having penetrative sex with is MrClean who I keep fully informed and we can test as often as he wants. (or stop...or use protections...or? whatever)
 
Interesting - I have been journaling, i.e. writing things out, here and then NOT posting said writings to my blog.
 
Oh my goodness. I just opened your blog after years, and was so suprised to hear Dude was gone... had to go back to find out what happened... oh my goodness. So sorry!


Waif doesn't sound okayish either. If you haven't, I think you should probably talk to MrS about how much this troubles you, although this seems "insignificant" compared to the most dramatic event in your lives... hopefully he can help make some adjustments, so that "tolerating it until things work out" is a little less uncomfortable. Good luck, JaneQ!!!
 
Oh my goodness. I just opened your blog after years, and was so suprised to hear Dude was gone... had to go back to find out what happened... oh my goodness. So sorry!


Waif doesn't sound okayish either. If you haven't, I think you should probably talk to MrS about how much this troubles you, although this seems "insignificant" compared to the most dramatic event in your lives... hopefully he can help make some adjustments, so that "tolerating it until things work out" is a little less uncomfortable. Good luck, JaneQ!!!
Thank you! Good to see you again!

Currently all is quiet on the Waif front. Cycle: she came here and stayed until she ran out of suboxone, then admitted to hospital to detox from alcohol, then went home with abuser....no word since (MrS gave her another "safe"phone - she doesn't know where she hid the last one)...the next round will starts when it starts - pretty sure that she won't go to her meetings that she agreed to when she went to her outpatient counselling intake appointment at the drug and alcohol center before MrS took her to hospital again...We shall see.
 
On a different note - Bluebird's exciting new housing and moving news motivated me to take initial steps to get things rolling around Forever Home! We are in the process of arranging to get most of our windows and a four-panel sliding glass door replaced. I am anticipating that it will be a huge headache...and expensive...and ...whatever, it needs to be done...10 years of cracked windows covered with painter's tape is enough!
 
Windows (and 4 panel sliding-glass door) are done! As of this morning!

Relaxing this evening. MrClean brought his dog over last night to meet our new dog. No blood, no tears. Lazy day listening to music. Went in to work today to slog through paperwork. More tomorrow.. Family Camp next week.
 
Last edited:
I unsubscribed from all of my dating apps - I was ignoring them because they seemed like more work than fun. I am still open to meeting people in real life but I am not up for the work of trying to establish a relationship with a stranger.

Still hooking up with MrClean on a regular basis. This scratches a sexual itch. He's not looking for more with me, but I wish he were searching for something with someone else - he needs more than I can provide, if he would acknowledge it...
 
My (Bi)Sexuality

I have brought up in two (unrelated) posts today that I am extremely selective about my interactions with penises (penes?) and am now thinking about what that means in terms of my sexuality. I identify as bisexual (not pan - another struggle to be discussed another day) but have only had romantic relationships with men (2 specifically - MrS and Dude). I have had a roughly equal number of male and female sexual partners (a dozen or so of each - all cis-gendered). I have occasionally wondered if I am bisexual but hetero-romantic, but I think that I am just really slow at acknowledging romantic/emotional connections.

Anyway, back to the penis thing...

I'm a fan of PIV, under the right circumstances - which have little to do with my emotional attachment and more to do with my general level of horny (and, to be honest, intoxication - I love drunk sex!). The visual appearance of a penis is not sexual stimulating to me - veiny looking and kind of stuck on as an afterthought (women's genitals are much more fascinating and neatly packaged), even fully erect they bounce around weirdly. I do like the feel of them through clothing though - in my hand or pressing against me, trying to get out. I'm not really interested in any penis-substitutes in my vagina though - I'm indifferent to dildoes (unless my female partner is turned-on by using them) and use vibrators for clitoral stimulation only. Even with desired PIV, I have a limited time tolerance, after the initial stimulation then I might as well be having a gyne exam - not painful but not interesting.

PIA is off the table. Nope, not doing it. Penetration by a penis is already not a given and I am not much into anal anything. Also, there is shit back there...gross. A finger or small stimulator I will tolerate for a bit but nothing larger. I don't enjoy stimulating others anally either but can do it with enough hygiene measures if requested - it does nothing for me but the enjoyment that I am giving them.

Similarly with oral - performing fellatio is not something that turns me on in any way. I'm willing to return the favor for a partner's enjoyment or to help with an erection but it makes my jaw hurt and it's boring for me. Ejaculation is not the issue - I'd rather a guy come in my mouth than on my face. Cunnilungus on the other hand...yes, please! Giving or receiving, this is definitely my favorite. Best. Thing. Ever.

Manual stimulation - with men, I'd put this in the same category as fellatio. It's a favor. I get nothing out of it but your enjoyment and my hand gets tired. With women, it pairs nicely with oral and I can imagine what it feels like if it were being done to me. Yet, I find that this is something that I personally only enjoy for a limited period of time (unless paired with cunnilingus).

I've voiced these preferences at times in other threads - with varying responses, usually from men who wouldn't want to have sex with me if I am performing certain acts without actually enjoying them. OK, fair enough.

Honestly, my ideal sexual scenarios - me and a female enjoying each other in many ways including manually and orally and then getting "finished off" by a PIV male partner that is so turned on that he fucks me hard and comes quickly. Alternately, a male partner who is super into stimulating me orally for his own enjoyment (I am a "squirter" - which some men enjoy) and then PIV (which is what MrClean has learned to do). I can also finish myself off clitorally with a Magic Wand while a partner watches.

A few caveats. For me sex =/= love. These are separate but not mutually exclusive concepts for me. Sex is a biological urge that can be satisfied by friends, lovers, partners, or strangers. (This is not true for my grey-ace, demisexual husband.) Love is a complex emotional state that I do not understand despite being married for 27 years and living with my other romantic partner for 9 of those. (My husband, for the record, is satisfied enough with my expression of "love" even if I don't understand it myself - he knows how to ask for anything that he needs, and his "asks" are always specific and practical.)

With regards to BLOG comments:

Generally I am open to any and all comments, however, this is a topic with which I am struggling right now. If you have something contructive to say that might help me understand myself and my sexuality better, or a resource that I might find helpful, feel free to post. If you only want to say that I am a selfish lover and you would never want to be in a sexual or romantic relationship with me then please refrain from posting - I know that I am not every person's cup of tea.
 
Last edited:
There are a few other relevant things going on that I can't post about on a public forum. But I, and MrS, are safe and good.

My main stress is work related - last week I told my boss that if the situation didn't improve that I would have to go part-time. The REAL parts of my job I enjoy and don't want to give up, but the administrative and computer-related tasks are killing me not-so-slowly. This would be a big financial blow but my sanity is more important. If they fix any parts of the situation (so I am not doing my job PLUS 3 other administrative jobs below my pay-grade) then I would consider coming back full time. I understand that everyone is short-handed but eliminating positions and passing the work UP the ladder, just because we are on salary? I didn't go to school for years and acquire a bajillion dollars of debt so that I could do my job AND 3 entry-level minimum wage jobs 100+ hours/week...fuck it, I can afford to retire now and live on rice-and-beans!
 
My (Bi)Sexuality

I have brought up in two (unrelated) posts today that I am extremely selective about my interactions with penises (penes?) and am now thinking about what that means in terms of my sexuality. I identify as bisexual (not pan - another struggle to be discussed another day) but have only had romantic relationships with men (2 specifically - MrS and Dude). I have had a roughly equal number of male and female sexual partners (a dozen or so of each - all cis-gendered). I have occasionally wondered if I am bisexual but hetero-romantic, but I think that I am just really slow at acknowledging romantic/emotional connections.

Anyway, back to the penis thing...

I'm a fan of PIV, under the right circumstances - which have little to do with my emotional attachment and more to do with my general level of horny (and, to be honest, intoxication - I love drunk sex!). The visual appearance of a penis is not sexual stimulating to me - veiny looking and kind of stuck on as an afterthought (women's genitals are much more fascinating and neatly packaged), even fully erect they bounce around weirdly. I do like the feel of them through clothing though - in my hand or pressing against me, trying to get out. I'm not really interested in any penis-substitutes in my vagina though - I'm indifferent to dildoes (unless my female partner is turned-on by using them) and use vibrators for clitoral stimulation only. Even with desired PIV, I have a limited time tolerance, after the initial stimulation then I might as well be having a gyne exam - not painful but not interesting.

PIA is off the table. Nope, not doing it. Penetration by a penis is already not a given and I am not much into anal anything. Also, there is shit back there...gross. A finger or small stimulator I will tolerate for a bit but nothing larger. I don't enjoy stimulating others anally either but can do it with enough hygiene measures if requested - it does nothing for me but the enjoyment that I am giving them.

Similarly with oral - performing fellatio is not something that turns me on in any way. I'm willing to return the favor for a partner's enjoyment or to help with an erection but it makes my jaw hurt and it's boring for me. Ejaculation is not the issue - I'd rather a guy come in my mouth than on my face. Cunnilungus on the other hand...yes, please! Giving or receiving, this is definitely my favorite. Best. Thing. Ever.

Manual stimulation - with men, I'd put this in the same category as fellatio. It's a favor. I get nothing out of it but your enjoyment and my hand gets tired. With women, it pairs nicely with oral and I can imagine what it feels like if it were being done to me. Yet, I find that this is something that I personally only enjoy for a limited period of time (unless paired with cunnilingus).

I've voiced these preferences at times in other threads - with varying responses, usually from men who wouldn't want to have sex with me if I am performing certain acts without actually enjoying them. OK, fair enough.

Honestly, my ideal sexual scenarios - me and a female enjoying each other in many ways including manually and orally and then getting "finished off" by a PIV male partner that is so turned on that he fucks me hard and comes quickly. Alternately, a male partner who is super into stimulating me orally for his own enjoyment (I am a "squirter" - which some men enjoy) and then PIV (which is what MrClean has learned to do). I can also finish myself off clitorally with a Magic Wand while a partner watches.

A few caveats. For me sex =/= love. These are separate but not mutually exclusive concepts for me. Sex is a biological urge that can be satisfied by friends, lovers, partners, or strangers. (This is not true for my grey-ace, demisexual husband.) Love is a complex emotional state that I do not understand despite being married for 27 years and living with my other romantic partner for 9 of those. (My husband, for the record, is satisfied enough with my expression of "love" even if I don't understand it myself - he knows how to ask for anything that he needs, and his "asks" are always specific and practical.)

With regards to BLOG comments:

Generally I am open to any and all comments, however, this is a topic with which I am struggling right now. If you have something contructive to say that might help me understand myself and my sexuality better, or a resource that I might find helpful, feel free to post. If you only want to say that I am a selfish lover and you would never want to be in a sexual or romantic relationship with me then please refrain from posting - I know that I am not every person's cup of tea.
Hi Jane,
I see preferences described extremely clearly (and I do, in fact, relate to a lot of them), but I don't really see the question/struggle described. I could infer, but with a high probability of misunderstanding.
 
This is written in response to the sidebar in ZeroOnb's blog post: Beard Pampering
https://polyamory.com/threads/my-old-flames-make-my-heart-swoon-cont.156089/#post-498046

I :love: the beard care pampering story!

A Bedtime Story

Setting: MrS and I had been married for 3 years (together for 7) and he was going to school and I was working ridiculous hours.

In the evenings I would generally be reading and he would be on the computer and at some point I would say "Honey, are you about ready for bed?" and he would say "Soon..." and I would keep on reading and he would keep on playing on the computer, and I would start getting irritated waiting. "Bed?" "In a minute..." Lather, rinse, repeat. I'm tired and cranky and am asking him go to bed with me and he is obliviously enganged with the computer. Well, one night I was super-irritated and we had it out!

As it turns out, I don't care if he goes to bed at the same time as me, what I REALLY wanted was to be cuddled and "tucked in" (PS. you don't get the best cuddles when you are both irritated at each other anyway!) LIGHTBULB MOMENT! 5 minutes of attention and bonding is a MUCH easier "ask" than going to bed at the same time! (and works when we are on wildly different schedules)

This was 24 years ago.

So now I say, "I can haz tucking now?" or "Cuddle-tucking, please?" and he takes a 5 minute break, or tells me "5 minutes, ok?", or "Sorry hon, I just started a game, it might be a while." (in which case I can tuck myself in with the dogs and he comes and kisses me goodnight when the game is over).

Moral of the story: Figure out what you really want out of the situation and use your words to ask for THAT specifically! No mind-reading required when you and your partner learn to ASK for what you want and you can take what they say at FACE VALUE. Priceless. Maybe "You don't pay enough attention to me." actually means "I feel neglected, you haven't pampered my beard in ages." So...ask!

It takes a little practice when our society constantly tells us that that the conversation is supposed to go:
"Honey, what would you like for Holiday (tm)?"
"Nothing dear, just you!" (i.e. "Read my mind...or else!")
Anger, frustration, bad memes then ensue...
 
Oh yes! Adam and I reached a very similar place over the past couple of years. Now I'm living elsewhere it's obviously irrelevant, but on the nights where he was home (he currently has night shifts too) I got "tucked in" if I went to bed first.
 
Back
Top