Very first day; very first post!

Jo<3

New member
Hello there, my name is Jo<3. I don't know what I am really. I did't know there was a word for what I feel until today. I am a soon to be 40 year old girl, yes I still feel like a girl. I have been married to my husband for 21 years. We live a very monogamist relationship. In the past I did cheat on him 2 sperate times. Though I never wanted to leave him. And still don't. I couldn't imagine him not being in my life. But I feel there is something lacking. Not from our relationship but within myself. I really have a pretty high sex drive and absolutely love to meet new people . My husband on the other hand has a med/ low sex drive and is very content watching a baseball game on tv with his dad. We have a pretty great sex life and he has started picking up some of my hints that I am more into bondage and the sorts than he really ever knew. .the thing with my husband is that he doesn't look at things the way alot of men, and some women do. That trying something new didn't mean that is what we would always do just something to see. Not that you can just "be poly". I know how I think he would react if I tried to bring it up...I think.
I just feel there is something missing. I do not ever want to lose this wonderful man but also don't want to live the rest of my like feeling like I missed something important. Mostly I just want to go on the occasional lunch date with someone and maybe kissing. Or a dinner night with maybe some kissing. I wouldn't reject the idea of him doing the same. But I would want to hear about it when we came home to each other.
So now the big big questions. Do I bring this up to him or just o hold on to it and never say a word. And if I do bring it up...what do I say?
I've been struggling with this for a while now. If I should be posted in a different section I apologize.
Thanks for taking the time to read my terribly long intro. <3 always Jo<3
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Greetings Jo<3,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you may be poly. You don't have to know the word poly, to be poly. You can be poly all your life, and just not realize it until you hear of the word. That seems to be the point where you are at in your journey.

The thing to say to your husband, is, "Honey, I have been thinking about polyamory. Could we talk about that?" and then just be ready to answer any questions (and address any concerns) he has. Spend some time here on Polyamory.com learning about poly!

I'm glad you could join us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 

Evie

Mod
Hi Jo<3

You've posted in the right place, and welcome to the forum.

Perhaps before you bring it up to hubby you spend some time reading here and see the types of challenges that other couples have experienced in the transition from traditional to open marriage. Learning from others' mistakes could help you mitigate those.

Sometimes, that first conversation with a spouse can be really hard. They see it as their world crumbling. There are a lot of those posts from both sides.

Really, before even any mention of polyamory, some really good conversations about where life has brought you, him, and your relationship so far, and what your share goals are going forward sans polyamory, would be a good start. Actively build a deep sense of security into your relationship that isn't some vague "until death do us part". Think of it as making your relationship securer and your individual lives richer both within and without relationship.

I'm on mobile, so it's tricky to get the list of recommended links, but I'm sure someone will be along with them soon.

Right now, you mention your ideal is a date and some kissing. Please be aware that that is just your current sense of what would be enough. It's extremely likely to evolve over time. Also, that notion of coming home and sharing information about your date with your husband...it sounds a little like you may see this imaginary person as a fluffer for your almost dead bedroom. That's probably not something that new person who really want to be seen as, especially not perpetually. What's in it for them?

There are many ways you could approach this desire you have discovered within yourself. Have a really, really good read about all sort of things, from all the different styles of doing poly, and doing open, and make sure first and foremost that you're asking for the right thing with the right words.

Asking more questions is good, and there will be other people along here, I'm sure, with different perspectives and suggestions.

Kind regards
Evie
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member

TXretired

Active member
Welcome. Yes I agree that conversation is important. That first one can be interesting. This forum is a great resource. Best wishes in your efforts.
 

TXretired

Active member
I miss Pounds Hollow Camping. Familiar with your area.
 

Jo<3

New member
Just to clarify: You got married at age 19?
I'm sorry...typo...it should have said been together with him for 21 years married for 13. I did alot of deleting and
Hi Jo<3

You've posted in the right place, and welcome to the forum.

Perhaps before you bring it up to hubby you spend some time reading here and see the types of challenges that other couples have experienced in the transition from traditional to open marriage. Learning from others' mistakes could help you mitigate those.

Sometimes, that first conversation with a spouse can be really hard. They see it as their world crumbling. There are a lot of those posts from both sides.

Really, before even any mention of polyamory, some really good conversations about where life has brought you, him, and your relationship so far, and what your share goals are going forward sans polyamory, would be a good start. Actively build a deep sense of security into your relationship that isn't some vague "until death do us part". Think of it as making your relationship securer and your individual lives richer both within and without relationship.

I'm on mobile, so it's tricky to get the list of recommended links, but I'm sure someone will be along with them soon.

Right now, you mention your ideal is a date and some kissing. Please be aware that that is just your current sense of what would be enough. It's extremely likely to evolve over time. Also, that notion of coming home and sharing information about your date with your husband...it sounds a little like you may see this imaginary person as a fluffer for your almost dead bedroom. That's probably not something that new person who really want to be seen as, especially not perpetually. What's in it for them?

There are many ways you could approach this desire you have discovered within yourself. Have a really, really good read about all sort of things, from all the different styles of doing poly, and doing open, and make sure first and foremost that you're asking for the right thing with the right words.

Asking more questions is good, and there will be other people along here, I'm sure, with different perspectives and suggestions.

Kind regards
Evie
Thank you for your response. We seem to have a very strong relationship. He has kept me from falling, stood by me when I did and walked next to me when I was steady. I have loved this man for what feels my whole life. We have a very healthy sex life and try new activities in the bedroom quite often.
I do understand that relationships eventually evolve past dating and kissing and it would be no different in this situation.
I have probably had these feeling for my entire adult life. My husband will say to me every so often that I am my father's daughter. My father has a wife, a partner and a play person at the moment. And I have always thought that to be just fine.
I think I have kind of rambled on here..thank you again for taking the time to read my post. I plan on reading up on some of the links in a later response. 😊
retyping in the post.
 

Jo<3

New member

Jo<3

New member
A 4am post when one has been in their feelings all day! 🙃🤪In reply to my own post. I repeated myself a bit and had some typos. Seems I didn't make much sense a couple of times. Thanks everyone for reading though it anyway.
Not that a 3 am reply will be much better. I'm going to check out the links provided and appreciate your thoughts. Hopefully the weekend will prove insightful. Thanks again. Jo<3
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
In the past I did cheat on him 2 sperate times. Though I never wanted to leave him. And still don't.

How were the two separated cheating affairs dealt with? Like... does your husband know and you both healed already from those things? You don't have to answer here... but if things are unhealed it might rise to the surface if you bring up poly. So be prepared for that.

We have a pretty great sex life and he has started picking up some of my hints that I am more into bondage and the sorts than he really ever knew.

Why the hinting? After this long together you aren't just telling him up front what you'd like to try?

Not that you can just "be poly". I know how I think he would react if I tried to bring it up...I think.

How do you think he would react?

I just feel there is something missing. I do not ever want to lose this wonderful man but also don't want to live the rest of my like feeling like I missed something important.

So think about having an honest conversation with him.

If you are not in the habit of that in your marriage? At minimum you are missing that.

Do I bring this up to him or just o hold on to it and never say a word. And if I do bring it up...what do I say?

If you have been struggling a long time, why's it ok to never say a word and keep on struggling by yourself? Is that you treating you well?

In this marriage... is emotional intimacy and mental intimacy wanted? Have you not already been sharing about your inner lives?

My suggestion?

First REALLY think it out. Because if you are coming out as poly after marriage? It can be a deal breaker for some people because it is not what they signed up for or wanted in a marriage. Does it mean you should hide parts or yourself? Not live authentically? No.

But it does mean you have to think about parting ways peacefully if it comes down to that, even if you don't want to, because staying together is a "two person yes." It's not just about what one person wants.

When you are ready, ask to set an appointment time to talk. Preferably at home, on a Friday. And not like Tues night at a restaurant where if you both get emotional or upset you have to try to to keep your cool in public. Or face poor sleep and a rough work day the next day. Better on Friday night so there's Sat and Sun to recover. And better at home so if people ugly cry, it's private, there's plenty of tissues, towels, water, blankets, etc.

When the appointment time comes, set a timer for like 30-60 min. Don't talk longer than that. Take a break and set another appointment. People sometimes get emotionally flooded and need time to recover. It's not going to be a one time conversation. It's likely to be a series of conversations, so pace yourself. And if needed... think about a poly counselor.

When you get to the appointment time? Risk being honest and up front. If you have been together for 21 years and married for 13? If you cannot be honest with spouse...what kind of marriage has this been all this time? Have you not been authentic you in it? Wearing some kind of mask?

Could tell him "I've been struggling with something inside for a long time and I wanted to talk about it. I think I'm polyamorous. I think you are wonderful and I love you. But there's this part of me that struggles to come to terms with this part of me. I think I want to explore that, but I've been scared to bring it up. Is polyamory something you would ever consider or is it a hard no for you? I've been scared to bring it up because I am not sure how you will react or respond."

Then you listen to his answer and then talk.

Maybe he says thanks for being up front and honest, but he needs some time to digest this news.

Maybe there's a middle place where you can stop going around bottled up and can talk to him about your poly stuff so it gets a little more "open" for you. But you don't poly date, so it stays "closed" enough for him.

Or maybe he surprises you and says he's up for exploring that after more talking.

Or maybe you and him are at a cross roads. He doesn't want anything poly at all, and he also doesn't want to hear about what's going on in your inner life.

You can't know where he stands without asking. But like Pandora's box, you can't take it back if you don't like what comes out, and what you learn about your partner or if you learn that you've outgrown this marriage.

And you also can't be bottling it up forever, or participate in a marriage where you can't be authentic... can you? That sounds self damaging to me.

Life is not a dress rehearsal. You only get the one.

Galagirl
 
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