I am in an oddly calm place. Serene, maybe. While I still miss what I had and what could have been, I feel at peace in many ways. Then again, being smoking busy at work might just be doing it for me.
I have been so busy with work I haven't had much time to "practice" poly. I am not even sure I am cut out for it sometimes. I realize when things happen around me I pull in and protect a bit. I always (and this is for work, life, love) second guess myself and the things I do and have done. Maybe this is how I have always learned and progressed. I am not sure. I am always looking at every aspect like a project manager. A post mortem to figure out where I went wrong and what can be improved. What can I say? I am a geek.
And here is a sports reference for you. Some people do and some people coach. Maybe I am better at talking about it than actually being poly. You see, poly is more than loving more than one. You still have to figure out relationships, how they work, rules, boundaries. And then outside of those logical constraints, you still have those pesky emotions.
I laugh when I talk to people about poly, and they see poly as being the easy way. It's a simple process to be available. But monogamy is infinitely easier. Having your cake always comes with a side dish of something you may not want. It isn't a utopia. It takes work, and usually lots of hard work to get to a good place. The more people, the more work, etc., etc.
The biggest "thing" I love in non-monogamy is the freedom to meet and encounter new people without restrictions. It's truly the best part of being non-monogamous, and I have met and will continue to meet some great people because of this freedom. The feeling of being caged in, in regards to interacting with new people, would really make me feel locked down.
Pengrah has been amazing in all of my processing. She really is my rock, one of my soul mates, a woman who has learned a lot in this process. We started out as co-dependents. Even in our freedom we were still dependent. She now kicks my ass (in a totally endearing way) and holds me to a higher standard. She learned a lot from my ex. haha
New job, new city, old and new friends. This kind of a reboot has happened a couple times in my life. 20 years ago, making a choice between two girls, picking the woman who could help me escape the wrong side of the tracks. 7 years later, meeting the Newfie girl who would break me out of my monogamous rut and introduce me to a world I would live for the next 14. There are a lot of catalysts this time, lots of reasons to reboot, but its been long overdue.
Now it's almost time to see what little Ariakases will look like. Not yet. This is just a big step in the right direction.
It's odd feeling serene and content in a life as hectic as mine. I feel like one of those weird time-shot scenes. where everyone around me is running around like chickens in their daily lives, and I have hit some moment where I am standing there and just taking it all in.
Polyamory is a part of me. I know I can love more than one. I am more at peace with that than I have been in the two years since discovering it. What comes from being able to love more than one? No idea.
