Good morning/afternoon/evening... (triad)

[joeyandalli]

Hi all! I'm Allison ( or Alli) and hubby is Joey. We are starting to get back into the community. We've been looking for a thruple/triad relationship for many years, but gave up the search for quite a while. We are new to this site, though. We will probably both be on this profile, but it will primarily be me, since I'm currently a SAHM (lots of time) and Joey is a trucker (busy while working). We are both 44 and live in East Tennessee.

The language has changed a lot since we were last involved in the community, so please forgive me as I feel my way through. I'm really looking forward to making friends again!

 

[ref2018]

We will probably both be on this profile, but it will primarily be me

Welcome to the forum. If both of you plan to participate in the discussion here, please create individual profiles. Also, please read this post: https://polyamory.com/threads/a-note-for-couples-posting-seeking-ads.156754/

 

[joeyandalli]

Will do. Thanks.

 

[Evie]

Welcome back Alli

Have you been a member here before? I see this account is new.

 

[joeyandalli]

Thanks Evie! We are new to this site. We were on other sites in the past, but we can't remember what they were. We dropped out of the community in general for several years and are basically starting over.

 

[Magdlyn]

I appreciate that you and Joey want to be seen as different, and you feel different. You are using unicorn-hunting language though, such as (in your ad):

looking for a woman to join our relationship
a lady who wants to ultimately become an equal in a thruple/triad

Perhaps you have not come across this article yet, despite being on the hunt for some time:

So, someone called you a Unicorn Hunter?

This article is a long, technical discussion of what being a "Unicorn Hunter" means, what's wrong with it, and how people in such a situation can try to avoid the negative stereotypes associated with such behavior and get the things that they are ultimately looking for. It is written in a…

davidlnoble.livejournal.com

That might give you some insight into why your hunt has been so long and fruitless, and ideas for how to to get what will be feasible and still meet your needs or desires.

Briefly, this mythical creature would not be "joining your relationship," "as a third," just like monogamy plus one. She comes with a lifetime of experience, her own wants and needs, perhaps already has a (poly) partner, or children, a home base, a career and family, roots in a certain place. She won't be magically able to join you on the road as a trucker, or move to whatever state suits you.

If she is very young and doesn't have these things yet, be careful. She may be needy and wanting a "mom and dad" arrangement.

She will never be a full equal, because you two are already legally married. If you two divorced, she might stand more of a chance.

If you two can be fully out as polyamorous, and introduce the unicorn to all of your friends and relatives, where she will be made to feel accepted and fully part of the group and family, welcome at casual events and holiday functions, and not looked at with suspicion, as a possible "cowgirl," "homewrecker," "side piece," etc., she might stand more of a chance for longevity and satisfaction.

If you are out as bi, and all your friends and relatives know you need to express that side of your authentic self, and support you in this, she might stand more of a chance.

If you can date her locally, normal dates, one-on-one dates with each of you, as well as dates as three, and take your time about fitting her into your lives, and her fitting you both (as individuals) into hers, before anyone feels rushed to move in together, she might stand more of a chance.

If she only really clicks with one of you, and can continue to date that one while remaining friends with the other, instead of being vetoed, she might feel safer dating (plural) you, at least to start.

If you do all get along like gangbusters, and dating goes well for a least a year, if not two, she will need her own room in your shared home, and freedom to add her personality to the rest of the house, as well.

There must be no envy, no jealousy, if one of the dyads develops at a quicker pace.

dyads:
You and Joey
You and Unicorn
Joey and Unicorn

metamours:
The same. Everyone is everyone else's partner AND metamour. This is very hard to navigate.

Maybe the Unicorn, if she is an established 40-something with a full life (like yourselves) will be very busy with her child(ren), her career, eldercare, hobbies, a home, friends, etc... She is an actual person. She deserves space to live and grow, as well as space to love.

One more factor is that a woman who wants to date another woman might be a full-on lesbian and not want a man anywhere in the mix. And sometimes a unicorn will act like she's bi, when she really only wants the man of the couple, and only gives lip service (pun intended) to the female partner at first. Or, if she's secretly a lot more into women, she might only begrudgingly include the man (as a "stunt cock," say) while giving most of her romantic attention to the woman.

For firsthand triad journeys, I'd suggest reading the blogs of:

SquishyHusk https://polyamory.com/threads/trying-out-a-triad.155709/

and Kynde https://polyamory.com/threads/homesteading-triad-dynamics-and-the-family-calendar.156375/

SquishyHusk is a man in a triad where the women are more romantically attached and he always feels kind of left out. Kynde is a woman who was in a triad where everything seemed perfect... until it didn't.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Allison,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you have some experience with poly, and maybe you got a little burned out and took a break, but you are trying again. I hope you have better luck this time around, now that you do have some experience. I should mention that Polyamory.com doesn't really specialize as a dating site, sure we have boards for posting want ads, but those don't usually seem to be very productive. I just don't want you to think you did something wrong if you don't get any responses there. You'll have better luck posting in the various discussion boards we have, you can ask and answer questions. I hope you'll enjoy your stay with us!

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

 

[joeyandalli]

Hi Magdyln!

I haven't had a chance to read the article yet, but it is one of the tabs I have open for future reading. Thanks!

Also, thank you for pointing a bunch of stuff out for me. I said in another post that the language has changed a lot and I'm trying to rewire myself for it and learn from past mistakes. unfortunately, I haven't learned all the new language yet, so I'm using what I have and TRYING to explain myself.

Briefly, this mythical creature would not be "joining your relationship," "as a third," just like monogamy plus one. She comes with a lifetime of experience, her own wants and needs, perhaps already has a (poly) partner, or children, a home base, a career and family, roots in a certain place. She won't be magically able to join you on the road as a trucker, or move to whatever state suits you.

We want the person with their own experience, wants, needs, etc. We are hoping to blend together, not wanting her to blend to us.

If she is very young and doesn't have these things yet, be careful. She may be needy and wanting a "mom and dad" arrangement.

We're looking for someone in our age group. I don't want to knock anyone, but we've had a relationship with this type of person before and we don't want to repeat that.

She will never be a full equal, because you two are already legally married. If you two divorced, she might stand more of a chance.

Us divorcing has always been an option from the beginning.

If you two can be fully out as polyamorous, and introduce the unicorn to all of your friends and relatives, where she will be made to feel accepted and fully part of the group and family, welcome at casual events and holiday functions, and not looked at with suspicion, as a possible "cowgirl," "homewrecker," "side piece," etc., she might stand more of a chance for longevity and satisfaction.

We have been open with our family and friends about the life we want. Not all of them agree with our choices and we have lost friends over it. Our family doesn't like it, and it would be a problem trying to bring our family to their home, but we are still open with it. We haven't had the opportunity to introduce anyone, though. Our past relationships haven't made it that far, but there was a period of time that we didn't live anywhere near family.

If you are out as bi, and all your friends and relatives know you need to express that side of your authentic self, and support you in this, she might stand more of a chance.

Our friends and my parents know that I'm bi. His parents don't. It would be a major problem for them. We've never told them because we've never needed to. I've never had a romantic female relationship. When I was young, I thought I had to choose, so I did. I've never needed a sexual relationship with a woman to be satisfied.

If you can date her locally, normal dates, one-on-one dates with each of you, as well as dates as three, and take your time about fitting her into your lives, and her fitting you both (as individuals) into hers, before anyone feels rushed to move in together, she might stand more of a chance.

That's what we hope for, but dating him will be trickier because he's gone so often. I'm lucky to see him once a month and sometimes that's just overnight.

If she only really clicks with one of you, and can continue to date that one while remaining friends with the other, instead of being vetoed, she might feel safer dating (plural) you, at least to start.

Ideally, she would be attracted to both of us, but from past experience, that's almost impossible. So realistically, I hope to find someone who is attracted to hubby and can be friends with me. No veto with the exception of someone trying to push me out. It's happened. He ended it when he discovered that was her goal.

If you do all get along like gangbusters, and dating goes well for a least a year, if not two, she will need her own room in your shared home, and freedom to add her personality to the rest of the house, as well.

This is our ideal situation.

There must be no envy, no jealousy, if one of the dyads develops at a quicker pace.

dyads:
You and Joey
You and Unicorn
Joey and Unicorn

metamours:
The same. Everyone is everyone else's partner AND metamour. This is very hard to navigate.

We've learned some very hard lessons about this.

Maybe the Unicorn, if she is an established 40-something with a full life (like yourselves) will be very busy with her child(ren), her career, eldercare, hobbies, a home, friends, etc... She is an actual person. She deserves space to live and grow, as well as space to love.

Absolutely. We're hoping for someone that will want us to be a part of that, as well. To let us support her, in all of the forms, and to be a part of our lives, together and individually. We want to eventually become a unit, but understand it takes time.

One more factor is that a woman who wants to date another woman might be a full-on lesbian and not want a man anywhere in the mix. And sometimes a unicorn will act like she's bi, when she really only wants the man of the couple, and only gives lip service (pun intended) to the female partner at first. Or, if she's secretly a lot more into women, she might only begrudgingly include the man (as a "stunt cock," say) while giving most of her romantic attention to the woman.

Been there. Don't want to repeat it.

I think my biggest issue is how to explain that we are looking for a real person, not the mythical being living in our heads. I can get along with anybody, but like dating anyone, we'd like to find someone with like interests, who is looking for long-term commitment. We would understand if she is still seeing other people at first, but we also want someone who is willing to stop seeing other people as the relationship progresses. We're not expecting anyone to drop their life and commit to only us from day one. We all have to decide to commit to each other as things progress.

I'm definitely going to be reading more and hopefully meeting more people. I'm really out of practice.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

*We would understand if she is still seeing other people at first, but we also want someone who is willing to stop seeing other people as the relationship progresses.*

The problem with this is that, by your own admission, you'd never be able to offer her the same validation as you do for each other. You can't, because his family will have issues with you being bi, and many of the people around you already have issues with the idea of an additional partner, so they're unlikely to accept her.

Additionally, the person this woman is being sought to partner with (your husband) is sometimes only available for one overnight (with you) a month. So she will suffer the rejection of his friends and family for what would often be only the potential of one shared night per month.

I can't see how seeking this kind of triad is a solution to anything you, or especially your husband may be missing. It would make more sense that he finds casual intimate partners when he is on the road. He doesn't have the resources to fuel an additional committed long-term relationship.

 

[GalaGirl]

Welcome.

We've been looking for a thruple/ triad relationship for many years, but gave up the search for quite a while.

Okay, a cohabitating, committed, closed, throuple/triad seems like the "best" model to you.

Ideally, she would be attracted to both of us, but from past experience that's almost impossible. So realistically, I hope to find someone who is attracted to hubby and can be friends with me. No veto, with the exception of someone trying to push me out. It's happened. He ended it when he discovered that was her goal.

And second best is a poly V thing, with hubby as the hinge, and a friend for you.

What if she prefers parallel poly, and doesn't want to be friends with you? She just wants to be basic polite if you happen to run into each other in town?

You would not consider a poly N where hubby dates his person, and you date yours?

Why do you have to find someone for hubby? Can't he find a partner on his own?

You also want cohabitation? What if the person doesn't want to cohabitate?

We would understand if she is still seeing other people at first, but we also want someone who is willing to stop seeing other people as the relationship progresses.

What if this ideal best person comes already married to someone else? Then what?

I think you could really think it out and perhaps list what you want from good, to better, to best.

What are you willing to drop if it becomes too hard to find this ideal BEST person? What kind of dating partner would be good, and what kind would be better?

Also, list what YOU would offer this person, not just what they are supposed to offer to you or fulfill for you.

Right now, it sounds like all hubby could offer to her is lots of time gone, since he's a trucker, and maybe, at best once a month, one overnight. And if she lives in the same town as you, maybe he'd split that day with you, or even alternate. That's not especially fulfilling for her. And on your end, you'd be getting LESS of hubby's time than you already do.

Galagirl

 

[Evie]

So realistically I hope to find someone who is attracted to hubby and can be friends with me.

If he's only home one night a month sometimes, how will that attraction develop? And if he's the one wanting the sexual or romantic partner...is he also looking for that person, or has he asked you to find someone for him? That's a bit of a roundabout way of going about it.

 

[Magdlyn]

I haven't had a chance to read the article yet, but it is one of the tabs I have open for future reading. Thanks!

You will find the unicorn hunter article backs up much of the cautions/advice the members here have given.

Also, thank you for pointing a bunch of stuff out for me. I said in another post that the language has changed a lot and I'm trying to rewire myself for it and learn from past mistakes. unfortunately, I haven't learned all the new language yet, so I'm using what I have and TRYING to explain myself.

I've been practicing poly full time since 2008, after a break when I tried it in 1999-2000, and I haven't found much change in the "language." Please let me know which words confuse you.

We want the person with their own experience, wants, needs, etc. We are hoping to blend together, not wanting her to blend to us.

So, if she has children, or older/disabled relatives who need help, you are willing and able to pitch in there?

If she's in her own place, you are willing and able to help with repairs and household chores there?

Us divorcing has always been an option from the beginning.

That's great for the unicorn, but your family would be even more likely to call her a homewrecker if you ended your marriage for her.

We have been open with our family and friends about the life we want. Not all of them agree with our choices and we have lost friends over it. Our family doesn't like it, and it would be a problem trying to bring our family to their home... We haven't had the opportunity to introduce anyone, though. Our past relationships haven't made it that far...


Our friends and my parents know that I'm bi. His parents don't. It would be a major problem for them... I've never had a romantic female relationship. When I was young, I thought I had to choose, so I did. I've never needed a sexual relationship with a woman to be satisfied.

So your unicorn would not be welcome to mingle with, much less be loved by, either side of your extended family. However, if she chose not to be involved with your husband, who is so rarely home anyway, and she was just your friend, someone to keep you company, help you with the chores and the children (since your marriage consists of one day a month, and you get no help from him except a paycheck), your family might understand.

It kind of sounds to me like hubby wants a side piece one day a month (sadly, on YOUR only day with him a month), and you want a "sister wife," just one really good friend to keep you company most of the time, someone besides the children to talk to, someone to help you around the house.

That's what we hope for, but dating him will be trickier because he's gone so often. I'm lucky to see him once a month and sometimes that's just overnight.

That sounds really tough! If it isn't obvious, he's not got much to offer a new gf when he's basically never available!

Ideally, she would be attracted to both of us, but from past experience, that's almost impossible. So realistically, I hope to find someone who is attracted to hubby and can be friends with me.

You can find good female friends who do not want or need a sexual tryst once a month with your husband. Why not just seek that?

Absolutely. We're hoping for someone that will want us to be a part of that, as well. To let us support her, in all of the forms, and to be a part of our lives, together and individually. We want to eventually become a unit, but understand it takes time.

What would this support consist of? Hubby is almost never home, so he can barely even see his own children, much less emotionally be there for them (probably he's a face on your phone to them). How would he support another woman's children? Just financially?

Maybe he could find a woman who would be willing to have sex with him once a month in return for his financial support only.

I think my biggest issue is how to explain that we are looking for a real person, not the mythical being living in our heads. I can get along with anybody, but like dating anyone, we'd like to find someone with like interests, who is looking for long-term commitment. We would understand if she is still seeing other people at first, but we also want someone who is willing to stop seeing other people as the relationship progresses.

Why would anyone want to drop, potentially, a bf she can see often, daily, weekly, for a man she'd only see once a month (if, as you say, she's lucky), and have to share that time with you (and his children, I assume), besides? That just isn't a realistic expectation.

However, if she isn't that into men, and attracted to YOU pretty much exclusively, maybe you could tell yourself it's an "equal triad," to make it feel okay to both of you. You could be spending 30 days a month with her. Hubby could, at best, spend half a day a month with her. How could this actually be considered an "equal triad"?

It sounds like you want a gf, want to explore your lesbian side, but hubby has put his foot down that he has to have access to her on his one day a month home, or you aren't allowed to have her at all.

Or maybe he wants a woman with no kids and no bf (and a career that would allow her to travel), who is willing and able to regularly head out on the road with him, and sleep with him in his truck?

We're not expecting anyone to drop their life and commit to only us from day one. We all have to decide to commit to each other as things progress.

Commitment in polyamory doesn't mean sexual exclusivity. Your unicorn could be committed to you (singular) and also be committed to her other partner, and share her time with both. I am committed to both my partners, and they both live with me, alternating their time here through the week. My partners each have one other local partner (not a shared partner, one of their own), that they are committed to, see regularly and text daily when they are not together.

I'm definitely going to be reading more and hopefully meeting more people. I'm really out of practice.

I'm glad you plan to read, research and hopefully, clarify your expectations.

Many of us here that are warning you (myself included, tbh) have tried to have triad situations, maybe more than once, that ended because they were just too difficult to maintain. There are too many moving parts. Most successful poly people (solo or partnered) date individually.

 

[joeyandalli]

Wow, ok, there's a lot to unpack. Thank you guys for all of the responses. I'm going to try one big reply here.

The problem with this is that, by your own admission, you'd never be able to offer her the same validation as you do for each other. You can't, because his family will have issues with you being bi, and many of the people around you already have issues with the idea of an additional partner, so they're unlikely to accept her.

I can't see how this would play out with our families. We've always been the black sheep. We've cut our families out several times in the past because they didn't like that we live our lives for ourselves and adhere to family pressures. We haven't had contact with extended family in years, so now it really only consists of my parents and his. And that relationship is sometimes only superficial. We are often on our own and have gotten used to it. When I said we've lost friends because of our choices, I mean all of them with the exception of my best friend and she's completely supportive of whatever makes us happy. She would actually be ideal if there were any attraction with her and hubby. But introducing her to an established friend group isn't a thing. We're actually pretty isolated socially.

Additionally, the person this woman is being sought to partner with (your husband) is sometimes only available for one overnight (with you) a month. So she will suffer the rejection of his friends and family for what would often be only the potential of one shared night per month.

I can't see how seeking this kind of triad is a solution to anything you, or especially your husband may be missing. It would make more sense that he finds casual intimate partners when he is on the road. He doesn't have the resources to fuel an additional committed long-term relationship.

We do understand that our current situation with his job will make things very difficult. We're both willing to do what it takes to accommodate fitting someone into our lives. Hubby will NOT do casual. He's not looking for additional sex partners. We've talked about this. I've given my permission for him to have casual if he finds it, but he refuses. Part of this idea on his end is for me to have a companion while he is gone.

And second best is a poly V thing, with hubby as the hinge, and a friend for you.

What if she prefers parallel poly, and doesn't want to be friends with you, just to be basic polite if you happen to run into each other in town?

You would not consider a poly N where hubby dates his person, and you date yours?

Why do you have to find someone for hubby? Can't he find a partner on his own?

You also want cohabitation? What if the person doesn't want to cohabitate?

A V relationship is completely acceptable. A cohabitating, committed, closed V. Parallel poly isn't an option. That's why I'm the one looking. He wants me to find someone I can be friends with first then see if she likes/ is attracted to him. If she's not, then I have a new friend and we keep looking.
N poly is also not an option and any way I try to explain that will sound harsh. Basically, he doesn't want another man romantically involved in the relationship. It's a "head of the house" thing. (Please don't come at me for this. We are partners and discuss everything, but ultimately he is the head of the house and bares the responsibility for decisions made. That's his words.)
I'm the one looking for a for a partner for a few reasons. I'm the social one between us. He has pretty heavy social anxiety. Also, he doesn't want to establish a connection with someone first and risking her and I not getting along.
Cohabitation is the ideal, but negotiable.

What if this ideal best person comes already married to someone else? Then what?

We would never know. We wouldn't consider a romantic relationship with someone who is currently married or in a long-term relationship.

So, if she has children, or older/disabled relatives who need help, you are willing and able to pitch in there?

If she's in her own place, you're willing and able to help with repairs and household chores there?

Absolutely yes to all of it.

That's great for the unicorn, but your family would be even more likely to call her a homewrecker if you ended your marriage for her.

As I said above, our family relationship is strange. My dad doesn't and will not care. Whatever makes me/us happy. Mom wouldn't like it, but would accept her and the situation. His parents don't like anything that isn't the "norm", but we've cut them out of our lives in the past. As far as hubby and I divorcing so they can get married, it's none of our family's business. They already think we're crazy. They are welcome in our lives as long as they are respectful. It's also possible we have to deal with these same issues on her side of the family. We are willing to do what's best for our direct household.

A little more back story about us. Hubby is truck driving because it's what's best for us RIGHT NOW. We were truckers in the past and gave it up because our lives changed. He went back because of more changes. We have 1 child who is a senior in high school and almost ready to start his life away from us. We "plan" for me to start driving with him again within the next year. BUT all of that could change and we are willing to make changes. Those are bridges to cross when we come to them. This also isn't the first time we've been apart for long periods while he's trucking. It's been an on/off job for a big chunk of our relationship. I'm used to it. I don't have a problem with him spending more time with her while building the relationship.

Why would anyone want to drop, potentially, a bf she can see often, daily, weekly, for a man she'd only see once a month, and have to share that time with you, besides? That just isn't a realistic expectation.

We wouldn't be asking her drop her life for us. We're hoping that things evolve over time and like anyone who's dating, eventually choosing the relationship they want to build on. If that's with us, great. If not, we wish her well and hope to stay friends. We've crossed that bridge in the past.

However, if she isn't that into men, and attracted to YOU pretty much exclusively, you could tell yourself it's an "equal triad," to make it feel okay to both of you. You could be spending 30 days a month with her. Hubby could, at best, spend half a day a month with her. How could this actually be an "equal triad"?

It sounds like you want a gf, want to explore your lesbian side, but hubby has put his foot down that he has to have access to her on his one day a month home, or you aren't allowed to have her at all.

I'm not willing to pursue a relationship with someone who only wants a relationship with me other than friendship. Hubby has NOT put his foot down. I'm not looking to explore lesbianism. I did that when I was young before I met hubby. He would LOVE for me to be romantically involved with another woman. I love having sex with women, but I'm not 100% sure I can handle a romantic relationship with one.
If we find someone who is willing to try and has a romantic relationship with hubby, and her and I are friends, I'm happy. If it evolves into a romantic relationship with her and I, even better, but not necessary. That's why I want the romantic bond they create to be strong. I don't want to end up in a situation where any of us has to choose if it goes wrong on one side.
We aren't looking for a side piece. We're looking for someone who wants to build a family, to become a unit, and that includes eventual sexual exclusivity. When hubby and I started dating, we weren't exclusive right away, though we were not actively dating anyone else when we met. It didn't take long for us to become exclusive. If there had been other people we were dating it may have taken longer to become exclusive. It would have been a choice we had to make of who was the better fit and who we wanted to build a life with. That's what we're looking for from another woman. For her to let us be a contender in her future. Let us show her what we have to offer and for her to decide if she wants to build a life with us.

 

[Magdlyn]

Wow, ok, there's a lot to unpack. Thank you guys for all of the responses. I'm going to try one big reply here.

Thank you for providing more information. Let me repeat back what I am hearing. Feel free to tell me if I have it wrong.

We've cut our families out several times in the past. We are often on our own and have gotten used to it. When I said we've lost friends because of our choices, I mean all of them, with the exception of my best friend. She would actually be ideal if there were any attraction with her and hubby. We're actually pretty isolated socially.

So, you have one platonic friend and no family to speak of. Hubby, the head of the household, has no friends. He wants two wives, however.

For now, you want to live with this unicorn, isolated and alone. You already have one platonic friend, but you want another friend. If this unicorn were to be interested in sex with you (with or without romance), that would be ideal. But she has to be attracted to Hubby and willing to have sex with him too. That is paramount.

Are you aware that FMF sexual threesomes are the most common male sex fantasy? Hubby is telling you you need a live-in female friend. Ideally she'd be attracted to you, but more importantly, she must be attracted to him. You three would have threeway sex, and if you and she weren't into each other, that's okay, you'd be content with focusing on HIS pleasure? Is this his patriarchal demand?

Our current situation with his job will make things very difficult.

Almost impossible, as you've found over the years.

We're both willing to do what it takes to accommodate fitting someone into our lives.

Including Hubby changing jobs so he can actually BE a partner, present physically to build a relationship? Or maybe the only realistic option is you and new unicorn both traveling with Hubby in his truck 99.9% of the time?

Hubby will NOT do casual. We've talked about this. I've given my permission for him to have casual if he finds it, but he refuses.

Okay, I am going to be very honest. I can't help but wonder if he is already having casual sex on the road, but telling you what is pleasant for you to hear, since he doesn't want you up in his business.

Part of this idea on his end is for me to have a companion while he is gone.

And you go along with whatever he says, because he's the man, and what the man says goes. You already have one companion, but I guess you don't see her often enough to assuage your loneliness and social needs.

A V relationship is completely acceptable... cohabitating, committed, closed... Parallel poly isn't an option. He wants me to find someone I can be friends with first, then see if she likes/is attracted to him. If she's not, then I have a new friend and we keep looking.

Do you want one more friend? Have you told him you're lonely and bored, as the SAHM of a high school senior who barely needs you? Most women nowadays work outside the home, especially if they have only one or a few children who are teenagers. Maybe you just need a job, or at least to do some volunteer work, if you don't need the money?

Can you drive? Do you have a car? Can you join hobby groups, do volunteer work, attend an active church, get part time work, something??

N poly is also not an option... he doesn't want another man romantically involved in the relationship. It's a "head of the house" thing. (Please don't come at me for this... he is the head of the house and bears the responsibility for decisions made. That's his words.)

Again, it's all about his words, his desires. I am afraid people will "come for you" on this, since
1) Modern polyamory is a feminist-led movement, and most of our members do not accept that men are automatically heads of the household and makes all the final decisions.
2) One-penis policies are not very popular around here.

 

[Magdlyn]

Continued because of word limit.

I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around the kind of partner/unicorn you might find, who would be fine with her new bf laying down all the laws. Maybe you are in a patriarchal religion, though, and there's a slim chance you will find another woman of that mindset, who is willing to take part in this kind of Biblical polygyny (two women, one man). I mean, there are plenty of fundamentalist Mormons who choose this lifestyle. Usually they've been indoctrinated since childhood to think it's the only option, though, so it's not an informed choice, more of a demand and expectation, for fear of sin and hell.

I'm the social one. He has pretty heavy social anxiety. He doesn't want to establish a connection with someone first and risking her and me not getting along.

Cohabitation is the ideal, but negotiable.

I address this in a minute.

We wouldn't consider a romantic relationship with someone who is currently married or in a long-term relationship.

Okay, so no partnered women will be considered at all.

As I said above, our family relationship is strange. They think we're crazy. They are welcome in our lives as long as they are respectful. It's also possible we have to deal with these same issues on her side of the family. We are willing.

So this woman you seek must be fine with having no interactions with her partners' families, besides your one son. And there will be no other friends (besides that one woman) coming around for dinners, celebrations, hangouts of any kind.

Hubby is truck driving because it's what's best for us RIGHT NOW. We were truckers in the past and gave it up because our lives changed. He went back because of more changes. We "plan" for me to start driving with him again within the next year. BUT all of that could change and we are willing to make changes. This isn't the first time we've been apart for long periods while he's trucking. I'm used to it.

Your future plans are up in the air (and the unicorn must be okay with this unclear future). You may or may not start riding in the truck and taking turns driving with Hubby. Where would the new person be while you two are on the road? Would she be joining you? Would the "cohabitation" be in the back of the cab?

I don't have a problem with him spending more time with her while building the relationship.

How would he spend time with her, other than in his truck?

We have 1 child who is a senior and almost ready to start his life away from us.

You are looking at being empty nesters. But the new partner might have young children. Maybe you want a single woman with no kids, really, who is willing to drop everything and become your road buddy. Your house won't need much care if you're never home. I am not sure how that all would work. I am not familiar with the full-time trucking lifestyle.

We wouldn't be asking her drop her life for us.

It sounds like you are, or she won't be chosen by you... She can't have any other partners, and she has to want to isolate herself with you in your house, or live in a truck. Neither of these would be easy to do if she had dependent children, or roots with her family and friends, etc.

We're hoping that things evolve over time, and, like anyone who's dating, eventually choosing the relationship they want to build on. If that's with us, great. If not, we hope to stay friends. We've crossed that bridge in the past.

But no one has remained your friend, it seems.

I'm not willing to pursue a relationship with someone who only wants a relationship with me, other than friendship. Hubby has NOT put his foot down. I'm not looking to explore lesbianism. I did that when I was young before I met hubby. He would LOVE for me to be romantically involved with another woman. I love having sex with women, but I'm not 100% sure I can handle a romantic relationship with one.

So you HAVE had sex with women before? I thought you said you hadn't actually tried it...

"Hubby hasn't put his foot down" means: he hasn't DEMANDED you have sex with women in threesomes with him, although he would LOVE it?

At any rate, if you don't seek a romantic (aka loving beyond mere friendship) relationship with a woman, this is not polyamory. Amory means love, adult love, which includes romance.

I am getting mixed messages from you. Hubs doesn't want to do casual. He wants love and romance? You'd be willing to have a new platonic friend, but be able and willing to have sex with her, as long as neither of you (the women) fell in love? So hubs wants love and romance (the opposite of casual), but you want platonic friendship and (maybe) casual sex? These are conflicting desires.

If we find someone who is willing to try and has a romantic relationship with hubby, and her and I are friends, I'm happy. If it evolves into a romantic relationship with her and I, even better, but not necessary.

But you said you don't want romance. You're physically attracted to women. You have one good female friend (whom maybe you actually love, platonically). If she were attracted to hubs (she isn't), you'd have sex with her too. But you don't want to fall in love with a female sex partner. I guess you want a friend with benefits? But yet, somehow, you want to be entirely entangled in her life, and vice versa.

We aren't looking for a side piece... but someone who wants to build a family that includes eventual sexual exclusivity.

You want to be a triad that rides the roads together? Wouldn't that kind of woman be more likely to be found by Hubby when he's actually out on the road? Or maybe, when you join him on the road, you both might meet this woman at a truck stop, or a bar, or at a motel which other long-distance travelers frequent.

You're not likely to find her here in our Dating section, since we aren't actually a dating site. You're not likely to find her on Feeld or other dating sites, either. It's like searching for a needle in a haystack.

I guess there are Christian dating sites where you might meet a woman who wants to be submissive to the head of the household and somehow be okay with sharing him with his wife of many years. Never say never, I guess.

Let us show her what we have to offer...

What DO you offer? What WOULD that life be? I am trying to understand. It sounds like it would mostly be a nomadic existence.

 

[GalaGirl]

We're actually pretty isolated socially.

Part of this idea on his end is for me to have a companion while he is gone.

That's why I'm the one looking. He wants me to find someone I can be friends with first then see if she likes/ is attracted to him. If she's not, then I have a new friend and we keep looking.

I'm the one looking for a for a partner for a few reasons. I'm the social one between us. He has pretty heavy social anxiety.

Could making more friends, even online friends, so you are less lonely, be the most realistic thing to do at this time?

Does Hubby have friends of his own, or it is pretty much just you having your best friend, and that's it for friends?

N poly is also not an option and any way I try to explain that will sound harsh. Basically, he doesn't want another man romantically involved in the relationship. It's a "head of the house" thing. (Please don't come at me for this. We are partners and discuss everything, but ultimately he is the head of the house and bares the responsibility for decisions made. That's his words.)

He can't date one lady, you date a different lady, and these folks become part of the family?

We would never know. We wouldn't consider a romantic relationship with someone who is currently married or in a long-term relationship.

You see how that reduces your odds, right? Because Lady has to consider a relationship with a married couple, but you wouldn't do the same back.

What if Lady were married to another lady? Would that be acceptable?

We have 1 child who is a senior in high school and almost ready to start his life away from us. We "plan" for me to start driving with him again within the next year.

So would another lady trucker who understands this life be the best fit, someone who would drive with him while you hold down "home base," and then you flip, you drive with him, while she holds down home base?

BUT all of that could change and we are willing to make changes. Those are bridges to cross when we come to them.

Would it be better to postpone poly dating a bit more until the kid has moved out and jobs have changed? Would that increase your dating pool?

This also isn't the first time we've been apart for long periods while he's trucking. It's been an on/off job for a big chunk of our relationship. I'm used to it. I don't have a problem with him spending more time with her while building the relationship.

What about AFTER the relationship is built? What sort of time/schedule would work for you? Still with those two having the bulk of the time together, or some kind of reconfiguration?

I see previous partner attempts all fizzled and nobody wanted to stick around to be (exes and) friends.

Just gonna float this out there... Is Hubby saying "yes" to all this, but then putting so many conditions on it that it doesn't actually happen, and nothing actually changes, but he gets credit for "trying?" Some people do that-- say they are ok with polyamory, but put so many restrictions on it that it's basically impossible to find anyone to meet all the conditions.

Right now, the burden of finding someone to fit the bill is on you. And you aren't even finding a partner for yourself -- you are trying to find him a partner who'd be willing to be your friend. That's kind of a turn-off to some people right there -- like, what's wrong with him that he can't find his own partner and court them himself? He's not willing to work on his social anxiety first?

And if this is your friend... you don't think Hubby hitting on your new friend would be a turn-off?

Here's what I understand so far:

• No other long term partners for Lady, especially men.
  
  • Ideally, she is single.
  • Or if dating, it's casual and not vested.
  • There's an expectation for her to be Closed to just you two over time. And if she can't commit to that, then you'll break up with her. You are open to "exes and friends."
• A poly triad or poly V model
  • You are ok with Hubby having casual sex partners. He doesn't want it.
  • Hubby is ok with only you dating Lady. You don't want it.
  • Parallel poly is not an option. Lady must be willing to be "part of the family."
  • Hubby is not ok with you having casual sex partners.
  • Lady has to be friends with you, minimum. She's expected to be your companion while he's gone.
    
    • You are not up for a romantic relationship with Lady. You aren't sure you can handle that.
    • Some sex with you is fine. (Is that group sex, then? Or 1:1 sex with just you? And 1:1 sex with just Hubby, separately? Or Lady is expected to be up for both group sex and 1:1 sex?)
  • Lady has to be up for a romantic and sexual relationship with Hubby, who has social anxiety and an OPP.
    
    • He's only here once a month, and you and she would split that time in some way.
    • You are ok with her having the bulk of the time at the start, and later expect it to become...?
    • You and Hubby are willing to divorce so he can marry Lady.
    • You and Hubby are not ok with Lady trying push you out of the poly triad or poly V.
    • You and Hubby will maintain a veto.
• Cohabiting
  • Ideal, but willing to negotiate this one
  • One HS senior on your side still in the home
  • Her kids (if she has them) welcome
  • The expectation is that she moves into your home? Or you're willing to negotiate and move into hers, or buy a whole new one, or two news ones on the same street? Or just maintain whatever homes and travel?
• Family:
  • Estranged and judgmental "in-laws" on hubby's side
  • Accepting but not thrilled "in-laws" on your side
  • ??? "in-laws" on her side.
• Friends
  • None for Joey.
  • Only 1 best friend for you
  • ??? for Lady.
• Jobs
  • Joey -- Trucker life for now, could change to something else in future
  • You -- SAHM this year, trucker life on the road with Joey next year
  • Lady -- ??

That's a pretty tall order. Finding a person under these conditions is going to be tough. It's a variation on unicorn hunting, in that you don't necessarily have to be involved with Lady -- you are ok with a poly V with Joey as the hinge. But it's still pretty much unicorn hunting. It's just that you are hunting the unicorn for him. I think finding someone to fit the bill is going to be really tough unless you and Joey become more willing to bend on some of the items on your list.

This would be more doable if it were poly on his side, since he wants romance and sex, but no sex or just "casual sex" on your side, since you seem to be mostly seeking more friends, but are up for casual sex here and there, since you have no interest in romantic relationship. But due to his social anxiety, he's not willing to date his own people. He wants you to find them for him.

If he improved his social anxiety and, as head of household, suggested dating separate women, would you be ok with that, or not?

I wonder if seeking more friends and/or a roomie would solve the lonely/companionship better than this complex model?

Galagirl

 

[joeyandalli]

Magdlyn, you make a ton of excellent points. I know it's confusing and hard for me to explain. Please forgive me in advance. I might ramble and my thoughts are all over the place.

Hubby is NOT the hard ass. He's extremely caring, loving, kind, loyal, and can be compassionate to a fault. Give the shirt off his back kind of guy. He gets along with co-workers really well (when he had a local job), but none of those relationships made it outside of work and/or faded away when we moved. (We've moved a lot.)

Yes, we are isolated. 2020 hit us hard and we are still trying to recover. We moved 3 times that year alone, and it finally forced us to move back to TN near our family. Neither of us is very happy about it, but we don't have the means to change it yet. Part of that isolation is my fault. I let go of friendships because my life was in shambles and I didn't have the mental capacity to fake it for other people. I've recently started trying to rekindle those connections. But keep in mind that they are internet friendships at this point. My one friend lives an hour away and has a very busy life. We talk and text, but only see each other once every few months. We live in the country 45 minutes from the closest city. We also live in our camper. It's not conducive to having anyone over for visits.

I'm not a prisoner. I have worked, but I got fired from my last job in Feb, and haven't been able to find work. I've also had some serious health issues that have taken a serious toll on my mental health. I'm working on it. I've only recently discovered that I've become a crappy partner to hubby over the past few years. I'm submissive, always have been. He has ALWAYS been very conscientious of it and has never taken advantage of that. But while wrapped up in my mental issues, I let my submissiveness become complacency and I lost my autonomy. I did that. Me. Full stop. I've finally come out of the fog enough to realize it. I'm working on it. I'll stop here because going any farther is not appropriate for this site.

Are you aware that FMF sexual threesomes are the most common male sex fantasy? Hubby is telling you you need a live-in female friend. Ideally she'd be attracted to you, but more importantly, she must be attracted to him. You three would have threeway sex, and if you and she weren't into each other, that's okay, you'd be content with focusing on HIS pleasure? Is this his patriarchal demand?

Yes, we know that FMF is a fantasy. It's a fantasy we've completed, several times. We were swingers in the past. It was a really fun hobby. I'm still internet friends with some of the people we had fun with. We've had several of the FMFM combinations while swinging. He's not demanding that I have a live-in girlfriend or that we all have 3 ways. Yes, it would be nice on occasion, but that's not the point. I'm starting to regret mentioning I'm bi, because I'm ok never having sex with a woman again. It's a non-issue for me. He would feel better about being gone if I had a companion.

Including Hubby changing jobs so he can actually BE a partner, present physically to build a relationship? Or maybe the only realistic option is you and new unicorn both traveling with Hubby in his truck 99.9% of the time?
Okay, I am going to be very honest. I can't help but wonder if he is already having casual sex on the road, but telling you what is pleasant for you to hear, since he doesn't want you up in his business.
And you go along with whatever he says, because he's the man, and what the man says goes. You already have one companion, but I guess you don't see her often enough to assuage your loneliness and social needs.
Do you want one more friend? Have you told him you're lonely and bored, as the SAHM of a high school senior who barely needs you? Most women nowadays work outside the home, especially if they have only one or a few children who are teenagers. Maybe you just need a job, or at least to do some volunteer work, if you don't need the money?
Can you drive? Do you have a car? Can you join hobby groups, do volunteer work, attend an active church, get part time work, something??

Yes, hubby would change jobs to be more present, if that's what is needed. Or yes, all 3 of us trucking together is an option, IF all 3 of our lives allow for it. He's been home for the last 13 years. Being a truck driver again started in April of this year. It's what we have to do for now until we see what life brings us next.

I can say with 100% absolute assurance that he is not having casual flings while on the road. I've given him my permission to do so and he is adamant that he doesn't want to. He doesn't want casual. And if he did have a casual fling while on the road, he would tell me. We are in each other's business. We've been together for 22 years and 2 days, literally. No one knows us better than we know each other.

I'm not just going along with what he tells me. Yes I'm submissive, but not a doormat.

I'd like to have more friends, but I don't, by choice. I can go anywhere I want, see whoever I please, but I don't. That's on me. He wants me to go out and be social. He knows I need it. I won't let myself for various reasons. He knows I'm lonely and bored. I didn't have to tell him. He actually will point it out when he sees my mood change. While I've been out of work, I wrote a cookbook at his encouragement. It kept me busy and continues to do so while I try to make more sales. And we are not active in any groups or church. I could be, but... reasons. I'm willing to discuss it privately, but it seems inappropriate for this conversation.

I'm aware that a lot of this seems contradictory. I guess you're right. We are a work in progress. Our life is fluid out of necessity. We have up-ended our lives so many times I've lost count. We don't have everything worked out, because that would negate the choices and feelings of our future third person. It's a lesson we learned the hard way. A lot of this will have to be worked out as it comes up so everyone is happy.

Also, we were introduced to poly by friends who are Mormon. Again, we're not religious, but see the benefits to having a multi-adult life.

 

[joeyandalli]

A little more back story...
The social anxiety is honestly on both of our parts. He's more socially anxious in large crowds. It's more socially awkward trying to meet new people. We've been severely hurt in the past and I have developed an intense fear of rejection. Even having these conversations with you now is out of the box I've built for myself over the last few years. I used to make friends very easily and still can. But I keep them superficial out of fear. I'm working on it. It's been almost 10 years since our last poly relationship. It was an FMFM. Let's call them Adam and Julie. Julie wanted Poly and was straight. Adam liked the idea and wanted to try. We liked Adam and Julie. Joey and Julie fell hard for each other. Adam and I fell hard for each other. As time (about a few months) passed, Adam decided he couldn't stand the idea of sharing Julie with another man. Yes, it was fast. We spent a lot of time together and there was instant connections made. It included individual dates and group dates and bedroom time. This wasn't our first time dating someone, just the first time dating a couple. It was hard and extremely painful. We haven't pursued anyone since.

Could making more friends so you are less lonely be the most realistic thing here at this time? Even more online friends?

Does hubby have friends of his own? Or it is pretty much just you having your best friend and that is it for friends?

Yes, making more friends will help me. That's why I'm here. Hubby does not have friends of his own, but it's not for that lack of trying.

He can't date one lady and you date a different lady? And these folks become part of the family?

He could date someone else, but actively doesn't look for anyone. He has a fear of finding someone that he connects with but does like or want me around. That's unacceptable for him. Past experience, lesson learned.

You see how that reduces your odds, right? Because Lady has to consider a relationship with a married couple. But you wouldn't do same back.

Yes, I see that. As someone else pointed out, our family might consider her a home wrecker. We don't want to be looked at like that either. We don't want to break up a relationship.

What if lady was married to another lady? Would that be acceptable?

We haven't discussed the possibility. I don't know what he would think of it.

So would another lady trucker who understands this life be the best fit? Like someone who would drive with him while you hold down "home base" and then flip? You drive with him while she holds down home base?

It would be fantastic to find a lady trucker, ideal even. I just don't know if we'd be that lucky. Someone to drive with hi, swap, or all 3 of us drive.

Would it be better to postpone poly dating a bit more so kid has moved out and jobs have changed? Would that increase your dating pool?

We've put it off for so many years. Now is as good of a time as any to start. We have to proceed with life for what's best for the 2 of us for now but are absolutely willing to change what we're doing when she needs us to. Developing the relationship to say "ok we want to take things further. What changes do we all want to see and can we make?" Like when other couples decide to move in together and/or decide to get married when having a long-distance relationship. Yes, we know it will be hard. We have done it. A few of the women we've dated just didn't want to take the leap. We were trucking. Willing to move to her city and make a home-based life with her, but when it came time to put plans into action, she broke it off. 2 separate women.

What about AFTER the relationship is built? What sort of time/schedule would work for you? Still with those two having the bulk of the time together? Or some kind of reconfiguration?

Whatever they need. I've had 20+ years with him. I can wait. I hope during that time she and I are building our friendship. There are so many possibilities of how this could go. A lot of if "A" then "B" or if "C" then "D" and so on. Sincerely, I'll work with whatever.

Just gonna float this out there... is hubby saying "yes" to all this, but then putting so many conditions on it so it doesn't actually happen? Then nothing actually changes but he gets credit for "trying?" Some people do that. Say they are ok with polyamory, but put so many restrictions it's basically impossible to find anyone to meet all the conditions.

Poly was his idea originally. We've tried looking together. Dating together. All the wrong things and probably drove away the first few ladies with cringe-level unicorn hunting. "You must meet XYZ qualifications". It was horrid looking back on it. We're not like that now. We don't have a list of conditions like we used to. Yes there are still a few, but I'm not sure how different they are compared to single people dating. Maybe what we're hoping for just doesn't fit the definition of polyamory or polygamy, but somewhere in the middle. This is the first site I've come across since we decided to start looking again. It was recommended in something I was reading a few days ago. I can't remember where. I haven't had a chance to look anywhere else yet.

Right now the burden of finding someone to fit the bill is on you. And you aren't even finding a partner for yourself -- you are trying to find him a partner who'd be willing to be your friend. That's kind of a turn off to some people right there -- like what's wrong with him that he can't find his own partner and court them himself? He's not willing to work on his social anxiety first?

Yes, I'm the one actively seeking another wife for my husband. Some of those reasons are listed above along with the anxiety part.
I don't know what I want for myself other than the minimum of friendship right now and to increase my husband's happiness. I want to explore that. I don't want to put a stipulation on a potential partner that a romantic/sexual relationship is required from her towards me. That's intentional to widen the dating pool. No, I didn't realize it would be a turn-off. To put it bluntly, I don't know what's "Wrong" with him. But I'm also biased. I think he's great, but he has a hard time keeping friendships outside of co-workers. As soon as those jobs ended, he's often ghosted. I know some of the friends faded a few years after we moved away. He's actively working on his social awkwardness, but it's hard to do when you can't get feedback of why other people don't want to maintain a friendship with you.
We don't want to break up a relationship, but want someone who wants to build a life with us, co-mingling everything, under one roof, ideally. But it's also flexible to some extent. I don't think we ever discussed if she has a partner that wants to join as well. We will accept kids, family, extended family, whatever she has. We just don't have those to offer her. We had discussed a physical community in the past. A lot of families building a community together, but that's a lot logistically and probably just a fantasy.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi, wow, okay, it's all starting to make more sense now. I was starting to wonder (just from past experience) if you might even be a troll stirring the pot here with some unusual lifestyle fantasy.

But now I see much of this stems from you and Joey being upended during Covid for reasons, moving a lot, maybe losing a house (? since you're living in a camper), and you becoming depressed to the point where you don't take pleasure in things that used to bring you joy, such as socializing with friends.

Also, I see you and Joey/Hubby used to be swingers, but that interest, while it brought you a social life, has become unfulfilling, because you're over having gay sex, and Joey is over having casual sex.

He wants a real gf, maybe partly because you've changed, become depressed, low energy, lackluster. Depression sucks out one's joy and energy. Often it reduces one's libido too. It can become very hard on one's partner. (My sister's husband was clinically depressed for 18 months until the right meds were found, and she was at her wit's end. He couldn't get out of bed, change his clothes, shower, get a hair cut, work, nothing.)

You know you could get out, do things, join groups, have social interactions, but you're still too depressed to want to. You were fired from your last job, probably because of the depression. Maybe you weren't showing up for work?

Joey is a kind loving man, and he feels bad that you're sitting in your dim camper all day while he's on the road and your kid is in school and probably off doing things with his friends. Joey suggested you finding a local female friend, and, to kill two birds with one stone, hopefully she'd also be into having sex with him. But having sex with him would require their proximity. If he's on the road 30 out of 31 days, she'd have to travel with him, or settle for dropping any partners she may have, and having sex with him once a month.

I can see you both mean well. But it sounds to me like what is needed is for you to get your physical and mental health together first. You're not up for friends, you're not up for a new relationship (sexual or not), you can't work or do much of anything, and Joey isn't in town enough to realistically date and build a new relationship anyway.

Please feel free to share more about your mental and physical health needs here, or to DM me, if it makes you feel too vulnerable to post on the board. We (the hive mind), or I, or another member in DMs, might be able to help you brainstorm about getting you to a better place.

 

[Magdlyn]

A little more back story...

I responded to the post prior to this one, and then your next one popped up.
I also neglected to address where you said Mormons recommended poly to you. I just want to point out there is a big difference between Mormon polygyny and modern polyamory. Mainstream Mormons, by law, can not practice polygyny. Bigamy is illegal in the US. In the late 1800s, in order to stay in Utah, the Mormon authorities had to agree to stop the practice of plural marriage. However, they continued to do so underground until the early 1900s. Then mainstream Mormons did stop practicing polygyny. Offshoots of mainstream Mormonism, however, such as the Fundamentalist LDS church, continued to practice polygyny in hard-to-reach areas in Arizona, New Mexico, Utah, Mexico and Canada. (Their police forces, mayors, etc., are also FLDS, so allow plural marriage, practice it themselves.) They also practice child abuse, with middle-aged and elderly men marrying young underage teenagers, and committing statutory rape on them, and forcing pregnancies.

I wouldn't take Mormon advice if you want to legally practice modern polyAMORY.

The social anxiety is honestly on both of our parts. He's more socially anxious in large crowds. I'm more socially awkward trying to meet new people. We've been severely hurt in the past and I have developed an intense fear of rejection. Even having these conversations with you now is out of the box I've built for myself over the last few years. I used to make friends very easily and still can. But I keep them superficial out of fear. I'm working on it.

It's been almost 10 years since our last poly relationship. It was an FMFM. Let's call them Adam and Julie. Julie wanted poly and was straight. Adam liked the idea and wanted to try. We liked Adam and Julie. Joey and Julie fell hard for each other. Adam and I fell hard for each other. As time (about a few months) passed, Adam decided he couldn't stand the idea of sharing Julie with another man. Yes, it was fast. We spent a lot of time together and there were instant connections made. It included individual dates and group dates and bedroom time. This wasn't our first time dating someone, just the first time dating a couple. It was hard and extremely painful. We haven't pursued anyone since.

Dating is hard and rejection sucks. Quads and triads are the HARDEST kind of polyamory to do, yet despite being burnt, you still want to form a triad, or at least, very involved kitchen table polyamory.

Yes, making more friends will help me. That's why I'm here. Hubby does not have friends of his own, but it's not for that lack of trying.


He could date someone else, but actively doesn't look for anyone. He has a fear of finding someone that he connects with but does like or want me around. That's unacceptable for him. Past experience, lesson learned.

Hubby could have platonic friends you may or may not enjoy spending time with. You could have platonic friends Hubby may or may not enjoy spending time with. Couples do NOT need to share everything. We can have friends who meet different needs. To be sexist, Hubby could have buddies he watches football with, or plays poker with. You could have friends to go shopping with, or to talk about gardening, or join a book club, or some other fun girly thing.

There is this concept called "detangling" in polyamory. There was a helpful article about this that is now behind a pay wall, but I think Galagirl has a link to a free version. Basically, polyamory requires a degree of independence. You need to be able to allow each other the space to date. You can start by learning to do some other things separately first.

Yes, I see that. As someone else pointed out, our family might consider her a home wrecker. We don't want to be looked at like that, either. We don't want to break up a relationship.

It would be fantastic to find a lady trucker. I just don't know if we'd be that lucky. Someone to drive with him, swap, or all 3 of us drive.

We've put it off for so many years. Now is as good of a time as any to start.

Here I have to beg to differ. I don't think now, when you're still sunk in depression, living in a camper where you're embarrassed to host, not able to work, is a great time to add a lover for Joey to the mix. It might make you even more depressed.

(My parents were teachers and had summers off, and our family, parents and two kids, spent entire summers for over a decade in campers, and we had many a fun get-together in our campers with other travelers. It was so cozy, having tea or hot chocolate (the kids), or beers (the parents), playing cards, sharing food, shooting the shit about our travels and lives. And when it wasn't chilly or raining, we sat outside in lawn chairs or around the picnic table, or maybe had a fire...)

To be a desirable dating partner, you need to have your mental health things managed. You need to be under a doctor's care, and following the health plan you decide on together. You need to be happier within yourself. It's not fair to expect a friend to "make you happy." Sure, they can enhance your life, perk you up, listen to your troubles, but you can't cling to them like a life raft. That's not fair to them. You need to be able to give as well as take.

We have to proceed with life for what's best for the 2 of us for now, but are absolutely willing to change what we're doing when she needs us to. Developing the relationship to say, "OK, we want to take things further. What changes do we all want to see and can we make?" Like when other couples decide to move in together and/or decide to get married when having a long-distance relationship. Yes, we know it will be hard. We have done it. A few of the women we've dated just didn't want to take the leap. We were trucking. Willing to move to her city and make a home-based life with her, but when it came time to put plans into action, she broke it off. 2 separate women.

Right. This is the writing on the wall. You're not a good couple to poly-date right now. You don't offer enough.

I've had 20+ years with him. I can wait.

I'd recommend "waiting" to date, or for Joey to date, until you've got your health better managed. Or it's likely you'll just get rejected again, and get even more hurt.

Maybe what we're hoping for just doesn't fit the definition of polyamory or polygamy, but somewhere in the middle. This is the first site I've come across since we decided to start looking again. It was recommended in something I was reading a few days ago. I can't remember where. I haven't had a chance to look anywhere else yet.

You made a lucky choice. Our site is known for being one of the better ones.

I'm actively seeking another wife for my husband.
I don't know what I want for myself, other than the minimum of friendship right now and to increase my husband's happiness.

I don't want to put a stipulation on a potential partner that a romantic/sexual relationship is required from her towards me. That's intentional to widen the dating pool. I didn't realize it would be a turn-off.

Yes, most people would rather not date a couple, because trying to date two people who are already in an established couple is hard. It's much easier to date individuals.

Please see our list of resources here. You might start with reading the book Opening Up. The podcast Multiamory is also very helpful, if you're too exhausted to read.

https://polyamory.com/threads/most-commonly-cited-advice-articles-master-thread.155304/

I don't know what's "wrong" with him. I think he's great, but he has a hard time keeping friendships outside of co-workers. As soon as those jobs ended, he's often ghosted. I know some of the friends faded a few years after we moved away. He's actively working on his social awkwardness, but it's hard to do when you can't get feedback of why other people don't want to maintain a friendship with you.

Hmm.

We don't want to break up a relationship, but want someone who wants to build a life with us, co-mingling everything, under one roof, ideally. But it's also flexible to some extent. I don't think we ever discussed if she has a partner that wants to join as well. We will accept kids, family, extended family, whatever she has. We just don't have those to offer her.

We had discussed a physical community in the past. A lot of families building a community together, but that's a lot logistically and probably just a fantasy.

Yeah, that's too much right now.