In the garden

Week one at new job done! And overall, it's been really good. I can tell that the students generally want me to succeed at teaching them. The "testing" of a new teacher has been minimal. They enjoy being in my classroom, mostly, and the ones who don't simply don't enjoy school at all. Learning names is a huge challenge. My classes have between 24 and 29 students in each and the ones who don't stand out are a struggle. My usual style of teaching doesn't suit one of the classes, so I'm learning how to be a better teacher for them. I'm honestly embracing the challenge.

Also, today I discovered that I'm probably going to be eligible next year for a $10,500 (less tax) government payment that will go straight on paying off my student loan. It's a voluntary bonding scheme and I'm in a "hard to source" area (maths - yes with an s because it's mathematics, not mathematic). But it will reduce my loan by about a year, which is great since I have about 4 years to go without the payment. I'll take that.

I'm planning on spending a lot of this weekend in my classroom making posters and resources and planning lessons. A change of school means a massive change in the way things are done and I'm seriously playing catch up. But I'm feeling good about things in general.

Adam is away tonight in another city so I've talked to my bff (by video) and had a few drinks. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with the rest of the evening; get dinner definitely, then it's a toss up between going out and staying in. The new TV is being delivered and installed (wall mount by the company because it save on so much risk) tomorrow so I can either Netflix on my laptop, write an email to Puck, or go out. The email followed by Netflix will probably win. Ok, definitely.

I have a guy I've been talking to about 3/4 of an hour up the road. Thing is, I can't drive that far in the dark right now because my eyes have suddenly changed (yay 43) and last time I drove any distance at night I got a massive migraine. So that guy will have to wait until he can either host over night, or I can go there during a day, neither of which is going to happen this weekend. But he seems promising, hell, he fosters kittens, Imma go there just for the steady stream of cute LOL (almost j/k).

I spoke with Lance recently. He's doing well and is waiting to see if a sample order is going to turn into a major contract. I have everything crossed for him. He's regretting a previous (work) purchase that he was rather excited about, but overall seems to be in good spirits. I've seen him worse. Hell, by now I've seen him in every mood, I just haven't got to hug the bastard yet. That sucks.

Puck has been crazy busy at work and with major other projects recently, to the point that we've been a bit distant. He actually apologised for that today (by text) but I hadn't been feeling abandoned; I miss him, but I'm definitely okay on the emotional front. I feel really secure in our relationship so a couple of weeks with minimal contact isn't a drama. It's interesting, he's had issues with Iris and her feelings of abandonment quite quickly. He chalks that up to ADHD (technically undiagnosed, but at least one of her children are dianosed). Now, I'm undiagnosed but I seriously exhibit ADHD signs. Iris, however, from his description is more Borderline. He even admitted he saw that too, once, but has since reneged. But jeez, the behavior that he describes...yep! Oh well, not my circus. Hell, I've got my own abandonment issues, I'm bloody adopted after all and even in infancy that affects a baby. But damn when he was fed up with it last year and I heard all about her insecurities. Yes, bad hinge blah blah. Honestly, it's good to know that there are going to be some small compromises I'm going to have to make when I'm visiting. Originally, had I been there Easter last year, it would have been that I got a night (of recovery) to myself while he kept their usual weekly date. He and I have since agreed that post pandemic, when I finally get there, there won't be any nights apart and he'll deal with the fallout (without telling me about it) once I'm gone. Still, we'll both need time to phone our other partners to touch base, so I'm sure we'll manage that easily between ourselves and Iris will get to "develop empathy" (hah) for how I usually communicate with him. Most importantly, I desperately hope that one of my other metamours will help him with his drop after I leave rather than be all *secure me and my abandonment issues now she's gone* like Iris will. Because he and I will both struggle with that first farewell. We're hoping that his return visit out here will already be booked by then, but there's no guarantee.

Solomon and I have yet to work out a regular call time. Damn time zones. I've just made a suggestion, but it's the middle of the night there right now so he won't get it for while, so fingers crossed we can talk this weekend.

I'm also really hoping to catch up with UniverseFan soon, too (video call).

And Mike, in person.

And kitten guy.

Life seems pretty good right now.
 
I wonder just how many of us on this board ARE adopted? I mean, off hand that's you, me, @FallenAngelina, and at least a few semi-regulars I remember mentioning it. I suppose it doesn't really matter, just interesting.

Glad the new job is going well!!!
 
Evie said:
(maths - yes with an s because it's mathematics, not mathematic)
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I always knew it was with an 's', but I never really knew why. I actually thought it was maths because there are many types, like arithmetic, geometry, trig, calculus, etc, etc.. But your reason is far more simple.. lol
I love maths/sciences... I quite enjoyed watching Hannah Fry's videos on Youtube on various mathematical topics. One relevant to the world today she had a few years ago where they were studying the spread a pandemic would take on the population of the UK, and simulating actions they could take to mitigate spread and such. It was rather cool. Unfortunately, I think when the pandemic actually showed up, politicians mostly did whatever they wanted regardless of any previous research done. But hey, NZ did really well! I think you've got a pretty great PM over there. Not surprised she won the election again easily.
 
My adoption experience is pretty positive, overall, especially since I do have quite a strong connection with my birth family. But then some things highlight to me that I'm still an outsider, especially now my grandmother has passed. She was the one that really made me feel like just one of the family. I reeled last year when I discovered my original middle name and a heap of photos I'd never seen. My birthmother just never thought to tell me or show me them.

But back to present day.

Puck has been biting off way more than he can chew lately, and our connection time is suffering for it. He asked to move our weekly long call to today, but we were only talking for 10 minutes before he was getting flooded with notifications about one job or another and had to sign off. He has said he wants to take this time next week off work, totally clear his schedule so we can actually properly connect. Honestly, right now, I don't believe he'll be able to do that. Last weekend we talked about how I'm pretty good at taking a back seat without fear of loss but it was hard for me to feel like I have the right to move back into the front seat after such a time. He reassured me that I was absolutely deserving of being in the front seat and wanted there so very much... but within a week, I'm back in the back seat and it's currently breaking my heart.
 
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It's nearly the end of my day. I felt like wanted to cry for so much of the day, but it was very much a physical thing, too. Like parts of my endocrine system were overactive. TMI time...this culminated in far too long in the loo but after that I felt normal again. It's actually fascinating to directly live and observe the emotional-physical link.
 
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I'm sorry Puck has been too busy lately to connect properly! I thought your wanting to cry feelings were from that, but from your cryptic speech is was maybe menstrual or something... But I'd want to cry too if my important Dom/lover was being less available, with not much hope of change any time soon.
 
Not menstrual, no, I absolutely wanted to cry over Puck's unavailability. Instead, I simply had diarrhoea which, remarkably, alleviated the sadness pains I'd been feeling in my mid chest and solar plexus. A little Googling shows that the pancreas (and spleen) are, in Chinese medicine, linked to disappointments. I won't pretend to understand it all, but in short, I felt a lot better, emotionally, afterwards.
 
I'm not exercising enough at the moment, this tow doesn't have a gym I like and I'm not a good winter/dark person for getting out of bed. But I've put on weight this year and I want it gone, so I'm going to have to do something! I have a plan, and yesterday I also managed to not eat too much dinner. I *made* too much dinner, seriously considered eating it, then halved it. It felt like turning a corner, tbh.

The way I best lose weight sustainably is to eat like I'm already diabetic - small portions, no spiking the blood sugars. So, I've sort of started because to get through this winter, I need something for me.
 
Evie said:
I'm not exercising enough at the moment, this tow doesn't have a gym I like and I'm not a good winter/dark person for getting out of bed. But I've put on weight this year and I want it gone, so I'm going to have to do something! I have a plan, and yesterday I also managed to not eat too much dinner. I *made* too much dinner, seriously considered eating it, then halved it. It felt like turning a corner, tbh.

The way I best lose weight sustainably is to eat like I'm already diabetic - small portions, no spiking the blood sugars. So, I've sort of started because to get through this winter, I need something for me.
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Something that helped me lose some weight a while back was to switch all my drinks to water, and drink twice as much of that as I was.. Cuts out a lot of straight up sugar that way. Drinking more made me feel fuller, and so I'd eat less. Kinda boring drinking water all the time.. But, what can ya do.. lol. Losing weight is never fun..
 
Darqon said:
Something that helped me lose some weight a while back was to switch all my drinks to water, and drink twice as much of that as I was.. Cuts out a lot of straight up sugar that way. Drinking more made me feel fuller, and so I'd eat less. Kinda boring drinking water all the time.. But, what can ya do.. lol. Losing weight is never fun..
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Absolutely on the water, I'm really trying to increase my intake, but it's a little harder coming into winter as I don't like hot drinks at all, even hot water. Still, also aiming to drink less alcohol, too. So yeah, holistic approach.
 
Evie said:
Absolutely on the water, I'm really trying to increase my intake, but it's a little harder coming into winter as I don't like hot drinks at all, even hot water. Still, also aiming to drink less alcohol, too. So yeah, holistic approach.
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Yeah, I don't like hot drinks at all either. I just drink cold water even in the winter. And then put on my hoodie cause I'll feel cold.. lol
 
Sometimes there really is no best decision.

Puck has a big polycule, and with the lifting of some self-imposed pandemic restrictions now all the Americans are vaccinated, he can see Selene again, which he did for the first time in months Saturday night. This made Iris kick off since she was heading out of town for a couple of months for family reasons and believed she should have had that Saturday night. Thing is, Saturday evening has been my standing date time albeit over video call which makes me the one who is most frequently bumped because an afternoon activity is running long or a night date is starting early. Or both. Iris usually has Wednesdays. Selene will now resume her Fridays. Saturday night Puck has total discretion because Renee spends that night at her boyfriend's place.

I've been bumped a lot lately, partly because I make it easy to do so. I've never turned down a request to cancel or reschedule, and in all fairness, nor has Puck when my Sunday has proven unavailable. But it's starting to really affect my well-being so I asked for a commitment to spend the entire of his Saturday night with me. We've picked a weekend in June because most of them between now and then are already bumped in one way or another.

LDRs are hard, we all know that. It's just little harder right now because of the time difference really working against us. But the communication is working, even if the timing isn't. But damn I'm really missing those long calls.
 
Gahhhh, it's only a flu jab and I feel icky today. I'm dreading my Covid vaccinations because I know I'm going to have pretty big reactions but I'm also wishing they'd hurry up and happen. I really want the world back to rights on the international travel front for what are extremely selfish reasons - I am so, so, so, so overdue to visit Puck.

Adam has a work exam next week and I have everything crossed for him, largely so he can feel more confident at his job. He's really had trouble with the memorisation, which is surprising, but I'm hoping for the best.

I'm hoping to meet kitten guy this weekend, but we'll see what happens. I need to go into town for shopping, so two birds, one stone.

Mike has been out of touch this week because of some important life stuff happening with him. At times like this I just tend to text him goodnight so he knows I'm here when he's ready. It works well for us and he reached out today for a bit more conversation. If I can't see kitten guy, maybe I'll get the chance to catch up with him this weekend, or perhaps I should go visit Therese (his wife). I said I'd be able to do so a bit more once I moved back here.

Ooo, I got some gossip from my previous workplace. Someone else is about to resign and actually leave teaching it seems. They've just treated her too shabbily. The staff turnover there is honestly abysmal.

Right, it's Friday afternoon/evening and I'm going to go hang out with Adam.
 
Well, today's long call with Puck was a train wreck. I'm not even sure right now how I'm going to recover from it. It wasn't a fight, per se, neither of us do that precisely. But it was an expression of all the things that aren't working in both directions. I'm honestly not sure how anything will get better.

We've been blaming Covid, time zones, work, tiredness and work stress, but bottom line is we've not been able to deeply connect for quite some time.

So today he said I needed to "be stronger" and recapture the fire and spunk I had when we first met. In other words, I'm no longer the person he fell in love with and I'm too weak. And today I'm not sure I can be that person again.

I'm sick of having my weekend days affected because our calls don't happen or don't go as planned. I'm sick of every response to, "how are you?" being, "I'm tired."

This has all been since he took on that extra job and although I totally understand the financial benefits from it, the costs currently seem too high.
 
Does resilience have a deadline? How quickly do I need to bounce back? When it's professional, I can have a horrible class one period and a couple of minutes later be welcoming the next class in with a smile. But that's not totally authentic, that's work. When I'm authentic, I need the better part of a day to bounce back from crunches like this morning. Should I just excuse myself from any conversations with Puck when I'm needing that time. I guess so, then he doesn't need to hear or see the bad days. And when he is the centre of the bad days, what then? Just lay low until I care a little less? That sounds like a relationship death knell to me, but it seems like I've been killing it anyway with my weakness, my "lack of confidence."

You know what makes me confident as a submissive in a D/s relationship? Dominance.
 
I'm actually really angry now about the word clingy. Angry because I have not been demanding of his time, I've negotiated for rescheduling regularly, and for one night where I'm not just a couple of hours call before some other plan. I don't get insecure when we can't talk in a day. I haven't been insecure at all, just sad that our connection time has waned and that he doesn't have the energy to fully dive into the D/s dynamic.

As for him telling me to "be stronger" - there's a sure fire way that happens. It's when I have fewer people to support me. I'm perfectly capable of managing every part of my life independently, in fact it's a hell of a lot easier when I'm single and am not supporting other partners in ways they may or may not recognise.

I messaged kitten guy yesterday to say I wouldn't be coming over this weekend but would still be keen to after his flatmate has moved out and I've settled a personal matter. We hadn't actually confirmed a time so it's not like I totally flaked. The last message I got from him was that he was too tired to make a plan. He hasn't replied. I suspect my one prospect for actual physicality has now evaporated.
 
Thank you PinkPig, I must admit I've been second guessing myself about asking the smallest questions, like, "will you be available to touch base after work?"

The conversations have been light but it's clear there is a lot of undertones to it, both of not wanting to lose each other over this, but a little nerves that quite a lot of damage has been done. We've both agreed to changes - he's going to get more sleep and I'm going back to the gym, which I managed to remember to sign up for tonight before they closed. Let's not discuss sign up fees :cautious: But considering my heart has been doing all sorts of arrhythmic crap today, I do need to pay some attention to heart health again, that's always been my favourite part of the gym.
 
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