My thought is this Kevin:
Even if the therapy doesn't help in terms of resolving the conflict so our relationship can be recreated;
we have children to raise.
Thus-we need to be able to communicate and work together for their best interests.
There's always things a person can work on.
I'm not sure that there's anything that is going to make it possible for us to come to a relationship agreement.
But I'm willing to go to therapy.
Yes-the car, the treatment of my friends, the acting out impulsively (which both of those are examples of) instead of managing/controlling his behavior. These are topics to discuss.
Also-that I cant speak about any of the things that I am impassioned about (feminism, equal rights, relationships, human rights etc) without him taking it personally.
Pretty much every word I say is run through a filter of "what the fuck is she trying to prove is wrong with me".
The other day he was telling me that the only things I ever talk to him about are things that are "wrong" with him (or our relationship). I pointed out that over the years-100s-1000s of emails I have sent him about different things I found exciting or interesting-have gone unread. Unopened. Just left sitting in the in box. Pages and pages and pages of unread messages from me.
He says he doesn't have time.
Ok-not going to argue.
BUT-if you don't have time to read anything but the most critical messages marked "critical please read asap" and you don't have time to talk about anything except the most important issues....
OF COURSE the only conversation you have with me is going to be about the critical issues.....
So anyway-the following evening I ran across an article about sexism that was meaningful to me-and had nothing to do with any of the current issues between us. So I asked him if I could read it to him.
JUST ASKING resulted in him becoming defensive. He had to stop and think about whether or not he was up to listening.
I had said, "Is it ok to read this article I find meaningful, to you? It has absolutely nothing to do with any of the issues we're dealing with right now."
He replied in a tone of disbelief, "it has NOTHING to do with ANY of the issues we're having?"
I repeated that "no, it has nothing to do with any of them."
Then I read him the article and we started talking. He made several good points in disagreement with the article. Each time I acknowledged what made sense about his comments and then elaborated on how they could be incorporated with the article's point to a better solution (the article was fairly one sided).
He got annoyed "I told you I don't want to argue with you."
I quietly said, "I wasn't arguing with you. I was discussing something I'm passionate about."
He said "it would help if you acknowledged what I said instead of always disagreeing and trying to prove me wrong."
I replied, "I did." then I repeated what I had done to do exactly that.
He stared at the floor for awhile and then acknowledged that in fact, I had done EXACTLY that.
BUT HE HAD NOT NOTICED.
This is a COMMON issue with us.
He doesn't hear me talking about a topic of interest.
He hears me telling him all the ways he sucks.
EVEN IF THE TOPIC HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM.
If I express an interest in another lover-he only hears that he's not good enough.
If I express that I am bored sitting at home-he hears that he's not entertaining me.
If I express a desire to have healthier meals-he hears that he's not eating right.
If I express an interest in feminism-he hears that he's a misogynist.
If I express an interest in improving communication skills-he assumes he sucks at communication.
If I express a concern about some behavior in one of our kids-he assumes he's a bad parent.
And more specifically-he assumes that I AM SAYING he is all of those things.
Which leaves me unable to talk to him about ANYTHING that matters to me. It's a no-win situation in regards to communication and without communication, well there is nothing.
CAN those issues be resolved?
Yes.
WILL they be resolved?
NO FREAKING IDEA
Because I can't control whether or not they get resolved. I can participate and should; but me going to therapy on my own isn't going to resolve his insecurities that drive him to not even hear the words I am speaking.
Me going to therapy on my own isn't going to resolve his control issues.
Me going to therapy on my own isn't going to make it possible for him to accept who I am, or to not feel threatened by who I am, or to be able to live with who I am.
I have (and will) done therapy for myself. I have worked hard to learn what is most important to me in life, what I can do to better myself, what my weaknesses are and how to strengthen myself in those areas.
I can work with him on communication skills, I can be supportive on his journey to learn himself, strengthen himself etc. But I can't do it for him.
And I just don't know what he's *actually* willing to DO.
But you are right; I don't want a mono relationship and as it stands he can't live with me being anything but mono & that isn't sustainable.
As for the other girl-I don't believe she was ever a dating option. She isn't interested in sleeping with him. She just wants to be able to claim his attention at will. Actually its a somewhat twisted perversion of friendship; because she gets so pissed when he can't be available when it's convenient to her-but she doesn't actually have a willingness to offer anything in return.