It is currently... 2:15am. I am awake. No one else is. I may be drinking after having had a good cry.
This month is not what I would like it to be. I'm the only one making holiday stuff happen which is EXHAUSTING, but if I don't, I start getting questions about "why haven't we done x" or "what happened to doing y." I'm annoyed. And sad. And lonely.
I have two mostly great relationships. Why am I up in the middle of the night, sad and lonely? Obviously I need to work on myself a bit, because both guys being busy with their own stuff for a month should not make me so irritable and emotional. But December? With Christmas and all the fun family activities we're supposed to do? I'm struggling. And I don't even feel like celebrating even though I think I got everyone AWESOME gifts as well as doing some kick ass volunteer work (getting EVERYTHING on the wish lists of 6 kids with half the budget the organization I was buying for/with - I provided half the funds, they provided half from donations - so I also got to buy them complete warm/cute name brand outfits and coats? DONE! Volunteering at a community event with my kid? DONE! Donating things I don't use anymore to various families in need? DONE!)
I've been taking my vitamins. I've been trying to be social and involved in my community, but winter is still kicking my ass. Every year around this time I miss my blood family. And now I'm crying again. Ugh. Sorry to anyone who reads this. I really hate feeling so codependent. If you actually made it this far and have some tips... Please share.
Great job on shopping, donating and volunteering! You get a medal!
The holidays are always stressful. My partner Pixi says, just enjoy the fun! The festivities! But I always feel I have so much to DO, to ARRANGE.
It's much much easier now that I am well past child rearing age. But I still get the feeling it's all on me. It isn't, though! Pixi and my son do a lot of it. I always get happily surprised by that. lol
My ex h was useless in "making Christmas happen." He even stopped helping choose and decorate the tree once out kids were old enough to do it with me. Honestly, it was a relief. He'd take forever to agree on a tree. The rest of us would have agreed on several, and we'd stand around FREEZING for what felt like hours until he decided. We'd finally go to the car to get warm and wait for him, and he'd be mad at that. (And people wonder why I divorced this "nice guy," lol.) And he never liked any tree fully. He'd bitch about minor imperfections, acting like a martyr.
Then, at home, he'd grump and grouse about doing the lights. Even when we did it 50/50. He'd get drunk fast on Baileys and give up before it was done. Things got easier when our teenage babysitter from down the street told me she loved to do lights. And then a few years later my oldest daughter used to enjoy doing them with me. The kids always helped with balls and ornaments.
Presents? My ex wouldn't help me. He'd run out on XMAS EVE and go get a few lame things last minute, leaving me home to deal with anxious excited kids, and make our Xmas Eve dinner, and set the room and table up all nicely. I'd have bought and wrapped my share of presents days or weeks earlier.
Once Xmas Eve and Xmas Day presents were given and unwrapped, I finally felt like I could breathe a sigh of relief. We didn't live near any relatives, so daddy and mommy could just do their thing. We didn't bother to travel on that day. Kids would play with their new toys. Often, my ex would just be napping hungover, and I'd take the kids to a special movie and go to a Chinese/Japanese restaurant. Low stress, I'd finally just have calm FUN.
So there's my vent. I don't have any tips lol
In other news... Hubby and I suck. Our sex life is nonexistent. I just can't get excited about it. I mean, I can get excited because my vagina is ridiculous and always ready but my mind isn't into his body so I'm always eyes closed or mind wandering which isn't cool so we just don't do it.
It's frustrating and just... so disheartening. I love him so much. Why am I not really attracted to him ?!
... he is frustrated because I am not an enthusiastic instigator with him. I will willingly offer and agree to sex, but I don't crave it with him.
Probably wouldn't bother him as much if it was all around an issue instead of clearly being just with him.