Talking it out

AlwaysGrowing

Active member
Just realized I had a high anxiety day yesterday so part of me expected Boy and Hubby to treat me a bit like I'm fragile today and got treated normally instead.

Yay for drinking on an empty stomach revelations. :eek:
 

AlwaysGrowing

Active member
Welp. We went on a last minute camping trip and it was AWESOME! So ready for a full week vacation with the whole fam. The first night was iffy since we were all exhausted and it had just been a really long day, but the rest of the trip really was great. Hiking, fishing, playing games, so much yummy food. Just a good time.

I also got apologies from Boy for not spending more time with me. Turns out he was also having an anxiety day thinking he had work stuff going on that ended up being nothing. We had a nice chat about that. :eek: Silly us being silly.
 

AlwaysGrowing

Active member
Week long vacation was great. Lots of little hiccups but we managed. Boy and I also went on another little weekend getaway with Little Girl recently to give Hubby some alone time. We all enjoyed that.

Right now I'm having a lot of work stress. Management where I'm at is really starting to suck and staff don't feel supported..I applied for a position in which I would have been able to actually make a difference and didn't get it. For a company that brags about promoting from within, they rarely do. Actually in 2 years I don't know anyone who has been promoted. So, obviously, I'm job hunting. Looking at changing it up significantly.
 

AlwaysGrowing

Active member
Oh, gosh. So much change lately but nothing really significant in the long run, perhaps?

I quit my job. I got the position I applied for at a different company. I was warned by the management there that the current staff were... Iffy. I lasted less than a week and quit without notice. That place is a mess and will likely get shut down. I knew it was bad (I read their state survey), but I thought they legitimately wanted to do better. Turns out they want to LOOK better but don't really care. :(

Luckily, I stayed part time at my old place. It's still crazy stressful there but I can handle it 1-8 times a month. Full time I am home with Little Girl, doing preschool activities and watching a couple of other kids here and there to pay the bills. It is lovely.

Relationship-wise things are the same. Hubby is wonderful and we've again putting in effort to reconnect intimately (both romantically and sexually).

Work is here early! More later, maybe.
 

AlwaysGrowing

Active member
It's later! Lol

Hubby and I have been doing monthly date nights, which isn't enough but is better. He is also semi-dating Lady again. They go back and forth on whether it's actually dating, but he's consistently making effort and sex is on the table so in my mind - dating.

Things with Boy are normal. He's moving towards buying a house. Maybe the one he lives in currently? Not sure. I don't have anything to do with it so I tend to just avoid the topic. I don't know anything about homebuying.

Thanksgiving is coming up. We always celebrate early with friends since we have no family around. I need to start cleaning. :rolleyes:
 

AlwaysGrowing

Active member
It is currently... 2:15am. I am awake. No one else is. I may be drinking after having had a good cry.

This month is not what I would like it to be. I'm the only one making holiday stuff happen which is EXHAUSTING, but if I don't, I start getting questions about "why haven't we done x" or "what happened to doing y." I'm annoyed. And sad. And lonely.

I have two mostly great relationships. Why am I up in the middle of the night, sad and lonely? Obviously I need to work on myself a bit, because both guys being busy with their own stuff for a month should not make me so irritable and emotional. But December? With Christmas and all the fun family activities we're supposed to do? I'm struggling. And I don't even feel like celebrating even though I think I got everyone AWESOME gifts as well as doing some kick ass volunteer work (getting EVERYTHING on the wish lists of 6 kids with half the budget the organization I was buying for/with - I provided half the funds, they provided half from donations - so I also got to buy them complete warm/cute name brand outfits and coats? DONE! Volunteering at a community event with my kid? DONE! Donating things I don't use anymore to various families in need? DONE!)

I've been taking my vitamins. I've been trying to be social and involved in my community, but winter is still kicking my ass. Every year around this time I miss my blood family. And now I'm crying again. Ugh. Sorry to anyone who reads this. :rolleyes: I really hate feeling so codependent. If you actually made it this far and have some tips... Please share.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
It is currently... 2:15am. I am awake. No one else is. I may be drinking after having had a good cry.

This month is not what I would like it to be. I'm the only one making holiday stuff happen which is EXHAUSTING, but if I don't, I start getting questions about "why haven't we done x" or "what happened to doing y." I'm annoyed. And sad. And lonely.

I have two mostly great relationships. Why am I up in the middle of the night, sad and lonely? Obviously I need to work on myself a bit, because both guys being busy with their own stuff for a month should not make me so irritable and emotional. But December? With Christmas and all the fun family activities we're supposed to do? I'm struggling. And I don't even feel like celebrating even though I think I got everyone AWESOME gifts as well as doing some kick ass volunteer work (getting EVERYTHING on the wish lists of 6 kids with half the budget the organization I was buying for/with - I provided half the funds, they provided half from donations - so I also got to buy them complete warm/cute name brand outfits and coats? DONE! Volunteering at a community event with my kid? DONE! Donating things I don't use anymore to various families in need? DONE!)

I've been taking my vitamins. I've been trying to be social and involved in my community, but winter is still kicking my ass. Every year around this time I miss my blood family. And now I'm crying again. Ugh. Sorry to anyone who reads this. :rolleyes: I really hate feeling so codependent. If you actually made it this far and have some tips... Please share.

Great job on shopping, donating and volunteering! You get a medal!

The holidays are always stressful. My partner Pixi says, just enjoy the fun! The festivities! But I always feel I have so much to DO, to ARRANGE.

It's much much easier now that I am well past child rearing age. But I still get the feeling it's all on me. It isn't, though! Pixi and my son do a lot of it. I always get happily surprised by that. lol

My ex h was useless in "making Christmas happen." He even stopped helping choose and decorate the tree once out kids were old enough to do it with me. Honestly, it was a relief. He'd take forever to agree on a tree. The rest of us would have agreed on several, and we'd stand around FREEZING for what felt like hours until he decided. We'd finally go to the car to get warm and wait for him, and he'd be mad at that. (And people wonder why I divorced this "nice guy," lol.) And he never liked any tree fully. He'd bitch about minor imperfections, acting like a martyr.

Then, at home, he'd grump and grouse about doing the lights. Even when we did it 50/50. He'd get drunk fast on Baileys and give up before it was done. Things got easier when our teenage babysitter from down the street told me she loved to do lights. And then a few years later my oldest daughter used to enjoy doing them with me. The kids always helped with balls and ornaments.

Presents? My ex wouldn't help me. He'd run out on XMAS EVE and go get a few lame things last minute, leaving me home to deal with anxious excited kids, and make our Xmas Eve dinner, and set the room and table up all nicely. I'd have bought and wrapped my share of presents days or weeks earlier.

Once Xmas Eve and Xmas Day presents were given and unwrapped, I finally felt like I could breathe a sigh of relief. We didn't live near any relatives, so daddy and mommy could just do their thing. We didn't bother to travel on that day. Kids would play with their new toys. Often, my ex would just be napping hungover, and I'd take the kids to a special movie and go to a Chinese/Japanese restaurant. Low stress, I'd finally just have calm FUN.

So there's my vent. I don't have any tips lol
 

AlwaysGrowing

Active member
Great job on shopping, donating and volunteering! You get a medal!

The holidays are always stressful. My partner Pixi says, just enjoy the fun! The festivities! But I always feel I have so much to DO, to ARRANGE.

It's much much easier now that I am well past child rearing age. But I still get the feeling it's all on me. It isn't, though! Pixi and my son do a lot of it. I always get happily surprised by that. lol

My ex h was useless in "making Christmas happen." He even stopped helping choose and decorate the tree once out kids were old enough to do it with me. Honestly, it was a relief. He'd take forever to agree on a tree. The rest of us would have agreed on several, and we'd stand around FREEZING for what felt like hours until he decided. We'd finally go to the car to get warm and wait for him, and he'd be mad at that. (And people wonder why I divorced this "nice guy," lol.) And he never liked any tree fully. He'd bitch about minor imperfections, acting like a martyr.

Then, at home, he'd grump and grouse about doing the lights. Even when we did it 50/50. He'd get drunk fast on Baileys and give up before it was done. Things got easier when our teenage babysitter from down the street told me she loved to do lights. And then a few years later my oldest daughter used to enjoy doing them with me. The kids always helped with balls and ornaments.

Presents? My ex wouldn't help me. He'd run out on XMAS EVE and go get a few lame things last minute, leaving me home to deal with anxious excited kids, and make our Xmas Eve dinner, and set the room and table up all nicely. I'd have bought and wrapped my share of presents days or weeks earlier.

Once Xmas Eve and Xmas Day presents were given and unwrapped, I finally felt like I could breathe a sigh of relief. We didn't live near any relatives, so daddy and mommy could just do their thing. We didn't bother to travel on that day. Kids would play with their new toys. Often, my ex would just be napping hungover, and I'd take the kids to a special movie and go to a Chinese/Japanese restaurant. Low stress, I'd finally just have calm FUN.

So there's my vent. I don't have any tips lol

It's always nice to know I'm not alone!

Christmas day itself ended up being really fun. Little girl LOVED hunting for presents, handing them out to everyone, and was thrilled at what she got. We didn't have nearly as many as I thought (which is a good thing!) so the house isn't as crazy ad I expected.
 

AlwaysGrowing

Active member
Time for a general update, I guess.

Hubby dating has been... interesting. He and Lady (had to look up her old nickname) are quite happy to be back in each others' lives. Little girl is adjusting. She doesn't love that Dad can be gone overnight (has only happened twice - once when she was home and once when she was out of town with Boy and me so didn't even affect her reality but affected her mentally a bit). She does like Lady, though, and I always tell her that if she truly is not comfortable with someone being in her house to tell us. She was very opposed to Lady staying the night here at first, and when I told Hubby in front of Little girl that he needed to cancel the overnight, Little girl visibly relaxed and decided it was okay after all. Even 4 year olds need to have their safe space and boundaries respected! Luckily, she was totally fine so hopefully that will make future overnights easier. Scheduling, as always, is a bitch when there are 4 adults and a child to consider (plus more adults as we include Lady's other partners).

I have noticed that like before, I have no sexual desire towards Hubby when there are physical signs he's been with Lady. Hickies, scratch marks, etc. are a no go for me to see. Hubby and I have struggled with our sex life anyway, so it's not terribly noticeable this time around. We are still cuddly and affectionate in other ways but very rarely have sex. This doesn't really bother me and seems to bother him less now that he is having sex elsewhere, so YAY!

Boy and I are doing well, as usual. We've seen each other a lot lately with holidays, so it is going to be rough going back to our normal amount. I'm also trying to work a bit more at my second job to pay off some debt (so close to saying goodbye to one more student loan!) which could impact our time a bit. He is supportive and flexible, which I appreciate a ton. He has been swiping on some apps but nothing has really come of it yet. He's not very enthusiastic but jumps on there now and then when something reminds him. I think it would be good for him to a have a more local partner, but I know if he starts dating I'm gonna have to work hard on fighting insecurity. Not that I have any reasons to feel insecure, which will make it even harder! Not worrying about that, though, since so far he has continued with the trend of "I don't have time/energy/interest"/"I'm happy so why make an effort when it always ends and I realize I could have spend the energy doing something more productive."

Little girl has recently been sick, as have most kids I know. It gave me a chance to work around the house and garage. I hate to see her not feeling well, but it was nice to cuddle and indulge of way too much screen time with her.
 

AlwaysGrowing

Active member
Omg. When you get a message on tinder from a super cute girl and try to hardcore flirt then cant tell if she's flirting back so gotta make a "best first date ever" comment in conversation to see if she bites AND SHE DOES.

Anyway. I know it's not going anywhere but a first date will be fun.
 

AlwaysGrowing

Active member
Whyyyyyyyyy? Why is it that ever my time I get sucked back into that online dating world, I end up talking to a dude instead of a lady?

First date cancelled, and she's not sure she actually wants more than an activity partner so I gave up.

Now I'm chatting with this (cute, ripped, younger) guy. He's funny. He's sweet. He's fucking encouraging me to make healthy fucking choices that I want to fucking make without judging me for being a whiny bitch about them. He thinks it's "cute" or "adorable" and my ugly sweaty post workout pics are "sexy af." And I've seen the subsequent dick pics/dirty texts to believe he actually believes it. Oh. He also lives about an hour away so actually finding time to meet up is about as easy as finding the proverbial needle in the haystack so... this texting flirting thing is fun and makes me feel silly for always getting along better with men.

Like, women are sexy. People of all or no genders are sexy. I want to do all the things to some of them, physically. Mentally though... I just can't connect as easily with those that aren't cis dudes. I guess that make me, what? Heteroromantic and pansexual? Who knows anymore.
 

AlwaysGrowing

Active member
Still chatting with cute guy, but he's already frustrated by my schedule. Ha. All my profiles say I rarely have time to meet unless it is kid/family friendly. My free time is precious and I already have people I love that I would love more time with.

But I got sucked into the swipey world of okc again. I'm talking to a lovely local couple who are looking for poly parent friends. Hopefully meeting them soon. I just left swiped someone for mentioning a game that I hate so much standards are fairly ridiculous right now. Obviously someone can like a game I dislike without it affecting our interaction at all, but whatever. I'm not actually looking for reals anyway. Lol
 
I almost passed on a several-hundred point 99% match for mentioning that insulting "Jar Jar is a Sith" meme in a favorable light. I ended up sending an intro anyway, but mentioning I would fight for my boi. So I get it.
 

AlwaysGrowing

Active member
I'm meeting an OKC guy as just friends next week. We would NOT be compatible romantically so he better not try to bait and switch a friendly coffee thing into a date.

In other news... Hubby and I suck. Our sex life is nonexistent. I just can't get excited about it. I mean, I can get excited because my vagina is ridiculous and always ready but my mind isn't into his body so I'm always eyes closed or mind wandering which isn't cool so we just don't do it.

It's frustrating and just... so disheartening. I love him so much. Why am I not really attracted to him ?!
 

AlwaysGrowing

Active member
Ok. To further explain the hubby and I suck thing, he is frustrated because I am not an enthusiastic instigator with him. I will willingly offer and agree to sex, but I don't crave it with him.

Probably wouldn't bother him as much if it was all around an issue instead of clearly being just with him.
 

JaneQSmythe

Active member
In other news... Hubby and I suck. Our sex life is nonexistent. I just can't get excited about it. I mean, I can get excited because my vagina is ridiculous and always ready but my mind isn't into his body so I'm always eyes closed or mind wandering which isn't cool so we just don't do it.

I am sorry that this is so distressing to you :(. From my perspective (an internet stranger who only has the vaguest idea of your situation) it sounds, here, as though you have an expectation of what sex should be like with your hubs based on what you know that it could be like. And that if it isn't that - eyes open, fully engaged - then it is not worth having?

In my mind, there is nothing inherently wrong with keeping your eyes closed and focusing on sensations while your mind wanders to other fantasies (or your shopping list :rolleyes:). To take it out of the sexual context - I love my Mom, she invites us to Thanksgiving dinner, and we attend every year. Do I love her cooking? (No!:D). Do I love spending time with extended family that I have nothing in common with? (No!:eek:) So I enjoy participating in a ritual that is important to her and helps strengthen familial bonds? (Yup - mostly, ;))

It's frustrating and just... so disheartening. I love him so much. Why am I not really attracted to him ?!

This is an excellent question for introspection (and a good therapist!). I love my husband to pieces - but have to acknowledge that my attraction for him is more emotional and intellectual than physical. (I have my own theories for this for us based on our history...yours will be different.)

... he is frustrated because I am not an enthusiastic instigator with him. I will willingly offer and agree to sex, but I don't crave it with him.

To me, again as an outsider, this seems to me to be very close to a highly agreeable compromise - you can't change your cravings but your behaviors (offering up and participating willingly in sex) you can make a conscious decision about - if that is not acceptable to him, then that is something that he needs to work out.

Probably wouldn't bother him as much if it was all around an issue instead of clearly being just with him.

I do mean this kindly...but is this a case of TMI? Your relationship with him is your relationship with him - why does the sexual attraction that you have for others have to come into the equation at all? Each relationship has its own dynamic - and it doesn't have to be the "same." Personally, I feel that one of the best arguments for poly is that one partner can't be "all the things" for another person. I have different friends for different activities and conversations. I have different partners for different forms of intimacy.
 

AlwaysGrowing

Active member
I'm sure part of it IS that he is getting TMI, but if I don't give him basic info, his imagination fills in made up stuff that makes him feel even worse. Half of my time with Boy is also spent at my home with Hubby since there's enough distance to make me going there every time not an option.

We had a very frank conversation the other day, though, which seems to have helped. A little. For now. We both know we're committed to being together no matter what, and the timing for sex is so rare that it doesn't come up TOO often anyway. He is going to work on accepting my willing but not eager offerings/acceptances of advances, and I'm going to work on being more enthusiastic in my initial response since I do know I'll enjoy it once it's happening.
 

AlwaysGrowing

Active member
Still playing the swipey game. Chatted with a seemingly nice fella on tinder who is leaning towards non monogamy as he transitions out of a long term monopoly marriage. Lots of great conversation and I was actually excited when we started planning a first date! Then he went on a couple of very unattractive rants. I respond by explaining my opposing position and asking him to not make offensive generalizations to support his views (basing a negative opinion on an entire field of study based on "a few people I've met" = offensive to me when this field of study helps many people and is not a pseudoscience in any way). After the second rant, i unmatched without saying anything first. I was majorly icked out and am glad he doesn't live in my town.

Covid 19 hitting locally means I won't be meeting new people for a while anyway. Avoiding unnecessary public spaces since I work with the elderly. I'm not cutting out my normal activities (gym, grocery shopping, etc) but am trying to be aware at least.

Nothing exciting on the current partners front. We are all good. Hubby is dating which makes him happy. Boy is not which makes him happy. I'm chatting which makes me happy. All good.
 

AlwaysGrowing

Active member
Boy is anxious that we won't be able to see each other for a month or more. I had been trying to prepare him by straight up telling him, sharing hubby's offer of letting him stay here for the quarantine if he doesn't have to work, bringing up video date ideas, etc. It still didn't sink in until he went to bed the night after he'd spent with me.

Hubby is trying to figure out how to make video dates work with someone who is not to the point of interacting with little girl and someone who little girl does not care for. I have offered to do bedtime as necessary (she usually chooses. We won't give her a choice on those nights) so he can make it happen without her interrupting hopefully.

I'm chatting with someone I actually met at an event a long time ago. We matched on tinder and have been having pleasant, occasionally flirty conversation. He is totally my type (nerdy, gamer type who doesn't judge those of us that aren't super into that). A little kinkier than I'm usually comfy with so I'm not convinced we would be terribly compatible in that regard. From our few conversations about that, though, he doesn't NEED the kink, he just enjoys it when it clicks with someone.

Little girl is missing her activities but we have been doing a lot of home projects and making sure we exercise, do dance/martial arts videos, etc to keep active and practice her moves for when in person classes resume. Lots of crafting and cooking happening!
 

AlwaysGrowing

Active member
I am so irritated with people! Me not getting to see my partner of 7 freaking years is NOT the same as you having to chat on the phone instead of going on a second date. Not seeing Boy is not the same as a new game group having to postpone starting a long term rpg until after the stay at home order is lifted. Hubby has whined so much about not getting to see his new interest again, and I finally snapped when he rolled his eyes at me pointing out that I don't get to see Boy either.

I was so cranky the other day, and it was literally because I'd had no time with Boy. We have video chatted a few times now and it makes me feel a million times better. Playing silly games and using random filters over video isn't the same as getting to cuddle and actually be together, but it is the best quality time we can get right now.

I'm so tired of Hubby. I love him and we still have fun moments but during the day when he's supposed to be working or in the evening when I'm trying to decompress - he's constantly there. Luckily he finds it kinda funny that everyone else is going crazy wanting to be social and I just want an hour completely alone. Lol
 
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