Rule has been broken... What to do?

I don't know where else to look for information regarding this situation I have found myself in. My husband and I have talked about opening our relationship up. We've set rules (or so I thought) about what is acceptable. (my exact rules were "wrap your shit up" and "don't bring that shit home") Long story short, he met a chick and a few hours later they ended up having unprotected sex. This is all while he is away from home. He ended up coming home and insisting on sleeping with me since he had been gone for 2 weeks. He hadn't told me about his incident when we slept together. He waited until the following day to decide to tell me about it. When talking about the condom usage he stated he thought I only meant when sleeping with hookers. After doing some research on this chick, EVERY single thing she told him was a lie. It's all verifiable.
He was offering to pay to fly her here while I am away to have a weeks long love affair, which goes against my second rule of "don't bring that shit home". We have a child and I personally find it extremely disrespectful to my child and myself to have another woman in my bed at night sleeping with my husband. He sees nothing wrong with it.
My issue is, what is an acceptable response to his indiscretion? They do not speak anymore. He will not ever speak to her again but considering this was his one mistake, does he get a pass even though the only 2 rules we agreed upon were broken by him?
 
I'm sorry this happened.

My issue is, what is an acceptable response to his indiscretion? They do not speak anymore. He will not ever speak to her again but considering this was his one mistake, does he get a pass even though the only 2 rules we agreed upon were broken by him?

That's something only you can answer. What you are and are not willing to put up and what can and cannot be forgiven.

While figuring it out... you could do your body care basics like get a doc check up, get tested. And either stop sharing sex for now or use condoms when sharing sex with spouse. No sex bareback until both your labs are back.

There were some recent similar threads. I don't know if that could help you any.



HTH!
Galagirl
 
Hi and welcome to the forum.

How long have you been married ? AND how entwined are you? Do you have kids etc.
I don’t think he’s a candidate to do open or poly relationships and he might not be good candidate for marriage either.

i strongly suggest Looking into the processs of detangling but with a heavy eye on a legal escape plan.
 
we do have a 10 year old daughter. Been together 11 years and married 9 years. After finding out about this indiscretion I insisted on a STD panel, we fought over that but he finally went. I went as well. He flagged high for hsv igM. He will need to retest at end of June for igG antibodies. I do Have hsv 1, have since I was a kid. Never have had a cold sore so he is hoping he caught the hsv from me, since his is newly contracted. My logical mind says that’s impossible since we’ve been together so long, what are the chances of catching it from me the literal 1 time we had sex after this compared to a stranger who he has vaginal and oral sex with. The story is deeper than all of that.
He ended up taking her back to the place we got married, in the room where our wedding photos were taken. It’s a heart breaking situation.
I understand he was intoxicated but the lack of respect for me or our family is holding me back from fully forgiving him. He states he’s moved on from this and so should I . Actually told me I should have been over this in 2-3 weeks.
 
When someone breaks a rule, they never wanted to have that rule in the first place.

What are your boundaries? How much will you put up with before you call time out on the relationship? What are your deal breakers? This isn't a deal breaker, then okay, throw away not working rules and come up with agreements that you can both adhere to. You sound like you had these rules to mitigate risk but you two clearly have different risk profiles. Where are there places you can compromise?

Where are your boundaries around your bodily autonomy:

He ended up coming home and insisting on sleeping with me since he had been gone for 2 weeks.

This is a boundary for me. If someone insists on sex, I will leave the room, or the house, or the relationship if they really aren't getting the plainly worded message that I only have sex if I want to.

Open relationships generally work when there is less control of the other person, not more. They also work when people respect each other.

It sounds like you guys could dial everything back a notch and work on that first. Find out what each other need to feel respected.
 
He agreed to the rules but I guess it's my fault that I didn't clarify. I've had previous trauma in regards to STD's before. I was cheated on when I was younger and didn't know, ended up catching 2 different treatable infections. Which is why I am so adamant on safe sex. He claimed he asked her if she had any communicable disease and she was taken aback on the terminology. After he had broken it off with her she texts a week later and said, "I know we aren't suppose to be talking but I'm in a bind and need I $2,500". He ignored the text and that's when he blocked her number. I actually text her from my phone and said, no way. She claimed to be a single mom and her husband died over seas (he has a huge weak spot for single mothers due to his childhood). I've spent hours researching this woman and every thing she told him was a lie, her ex husband is alive and well about 45 minutes from her. She's not single like she told my husband, actually has a committed relationship. There's more but that doesn't affect the fact of what he did to me. I feel like there is no respect toward me from him because of this. I love him dearly, love our family. But I can't get over the entire incident. He's told me that he can see the life in my eye disappear because of this. I don't want that for him, myself or our daughter. I don't. But the same hand, I can't shake the feeling of how far he was willing to take this. I don't want 11 years to be a waste, I don't want the last decade to have been for nothing on his part or my part, I've got to find a way to move past this incident. I thank each of you for helping me with your thoughts and words. I don't to have the victim mindset over this because he says it's unattractive and he isn't going anywhere near another woman because of the pain this has caused me. Is there a way I can train my mind to be positive and any tips on when a negative thought occurs what to do to knock the negative out of my mind and replace it with a positive?
 
Do just that. If you are truly wanting to move past this and forward as a couple, then replace those negative thoughts whenever they arise. The most powerful form of replacement in my experience is gratitude. Replace a negative thought for in unrelated gratitude thought. I'm grateful for his parenting skills (could pick a specific thing each time). I'm grateful for his attention to the house work (could be specific here, too). I'm grateful for the time we spend just chilling on the couch.

Spend time developing your own healthy relationship together. You want to feel respected. What does that look like to you going forward since he's already agreed not to date again anytime soon? How can you develop respect for him again? (Again, looking deliberately for the positive can help).

And if it's at all possible, it honestly sounds like you guys could do with some couples counseling. You tried non-monogamy and it shone a light on the cracks in your own relationship. Now work together to fix those cracks.
 
I understand he was intoxicated but the lack of respect for me or our family is holding me back from fully forgiving him. He states he’s moved on from this and so should I . Actually told me I should have been over this in 2-3 weeks.

Already move on? This sounds like it JUST happened.

I think over time it is possible to
  • Forgive, make new agreements, forget, and continue together. Hard but not a dealbreaker.
  • Forgive, but NO new agreemenets, NOT forget, and NOT continue together. Like you aren't gonna make the whole rest of your life about this, but neither are you gonna stick around for MORE shenanigans. It was a dealbreaker.
You might have to do some reflection.

  • Is this a one time thing and he lost his head?
  • Is this part of a larger pattern of taking you for granted? Is he's chronically thoughtless? Disrespectful? Says whatever in the moment so you stop talking, including making "whatever" agreements he doesn't actually intend to keep, and then goes around doing what he wants acting like a free agent expecting you to just accept it?
If this was a dealbreaker for you? It's a dealbreaker then. It sucks to part ways, but so does sticking with him if this is how he is gonna be towards you now.

You might not want your kid watching this thinking that being disrespectful is ok to do to others. Or that it is ok accept or receive disrespectful treatment. Just because kids tend to think whatever is going on in the family with their parents is "the normal."

I can't shake the feeling of how far he was willing to take this.

It's a shocker for sure.

You haven't mentioned it... why did you decide to open the marriage?

I don't want 11 years to be a waste, I don't want the last decade to have been for nothing on his part or my part, I've got to find a way to move past this incident.

They aren't a waste. You had what you had and had child. But relationships do end.

There is such thing as sunk cost fallacy. So be careful with that as you do your deep reflection.
  • Whether or not you want to continue here
  • And if you do continue HOW that's going to be different so you are treated well. Him treating you respectfully. AND you treating you respectfully.
I don't to have the victim mindset over this because he says it's unattractive and he isn't going anywhere near another woman because of the pain this has caused me.

He's picking at you when he's the one who did all this heart breaking stuff? He just wants you to insta-fix yourself so he's not witnessing your grief?

In marriage? I think marriages might end physically, when one passes and the other is widowed. They might also end because it's spiritually dead, and the people are just "going through the motions." Or they just don't treat each other very nice in them.

You mentioned respect a lot. Maybe this one is ending sooner than you thought because he stopped treating you with respect somewhere along the way?

To me it isn't respectful to insist on sex just because he feels like it after being gone 2 weeks. Did you feel like sharing sex right then?

To me it isn't respectful he broke the condom agreement and then shared bareback sex with you without making you aware. You didn't get to give full consent from a place of full info. I also don't get the logic. Only hookers have STDs? He's not worried about getting other people pregnant? This is just basic sex health hygiene.

To me it is not respectful to tell you to get over it already because he is moving on. Or that your grief feelings processing all this is "unattractive victim mentality" or something.

Is there a way I can train my mind to be positive and any tips on when a negative thought occurs what to do to knock the negative out of my mind and replace it with a positive?

I wonder why you have to "train your mind to be more positive?" rather than just be in a period of grief?

Is he going to be "training his mind to be more respectful? Learn foresight? Consider how his behaviors might affect others in his life?"

Whether you decide to stay and continue or decide to leave? I think you might benefit from talking to a counselor or couples counselor. You two don't seem to see things eye to eye.

It sucks to sit with difficulty, but don't rush to gloss it over with "happies" just to end up with some festering wound underneath that comes back around to bite your butt later.

Take the time it needs to really heal -- on your own or together. That is my suggestion.

Galagirl
 
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Hello jumpinonpolytrain,

I think the key thing here, is, now that he has broken both of the rules, can you trust him to abide by those rules in the future? He says he broke the first rule because he misunderstood. I'm not overly sure I believe that, but even if I did, what about the second rule, did he misunderstand that one too or was he just planning to bring this woman into your home? I agree with you, he is not being respectful towards you right now.

If he won't abide by the rules, then you are not safe.
So sorry this is happening.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
NO ONE on the PLANET engaged in an open relationship believes the safe sex RULE only applied to hooker. Unless he has some sort of traumatic Brain injury or cognitive impermanent its NOT possible And it’s bullshit.

I find it equally disgusting / annoying for violator to tell me when it’s time to get over something. They’re over it so I should be too. I HAD 2 people in my life like that ….had is the key word there. IMO at hey don’t get the right to dictate length of time on healing.

At the end of the day this goes to judgment. Or lack there of.
 
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When someone breaks a rule, they never wanted to have that rule in the first place.

And they didn't feel safe enough to say "no, that's not something I can agree to".

As you (original poster) are working through this, the question of "how to handle his indiscretion" is less important than "why does this person I've been in a relationship with for 10 years, feel unsafe in being honest with me?"

I know that's not the fun question to ask (or answer), but it's the one that will get you closer to actually having a healthy relationship. People in a healthy relationship aren't afraid of each other, and can push through the minor discomfort of being completely honest in order to foster open communication.

Why do you think your partner of so long isn't comfortable being honest with you?
 
Do just that. If you are truly wanting to move past this and forward as a couple, then replace those negative thoughts whenever they arise. The most powerful form of replacement in my experience is gratitude. Replace a negative thought for in unrelated gratitude thought. I'm grateful for his parenting skills (could pick a specific thing each time). I'm grateful for his attention to the house work (could be specific here, too). I'm grateful for the time we spend just chilling on the couch.

Spend time developing your own healthy relationship together. You want to feel respected. What does that look like to you going forward since he's already agreed not to date again anytime soon? How can you develop respect for him again? (Again, looking deliberately for the positive can help).

And if it's at all possible, it honestly sounds like you guys could do with some couples counseling. You tried non-monogamy and it shone a light on the cracks in your own relationship. Now work together to fix those cracks.

I have tried this. I tried it last night while laying in bed with him. I got sad and started sobbing uncontrollably. It isn’t fair to him to have to hold me because my mind run wild. He’s a kick ass dad who loves our daughter and me with every bone he has. It’s easy to push out the negative thoughts but it’s hard to keep the negative thoughts at bay. Looking over the past decade he’s done more good than this indiscretion. I’ve actually caused more harm in our relationship years and years ago. That’s where I feel hypocritical because this is really his first actual mistake. The entire sexual incident happened, the lying by omission for 2 weeks happened, the texting her while being home happened but the incident of her coming here didn’t since it was cut off before then. My mind keeps jumping to the unknown. I want nothing more than to have a long happy life with this man, I don’t want my mind to ruin something.
 
Already move on? This sounds like it JUST happened.

I think over time it is possible to
  • Forgive, make new agreements, forget, and continue together. Hard but not a dealbreaker.
  • Forgive, but NO new agreemenets, NOT forget, and NOT continue together. Like you aren't gonna make the whole rest of your life about this, but neither are you gonna stick around for MORE shenanigans. It was a dealbreaker.
You might have to do some reflection.

  • Is this a one time thing and he lost his head?
  • Is this part of a larger pattern of taking you for granted? Is he's chronically thoughtless? Disrespectful? Says whatever in the moment so you stop talking, including making "whatever" agreements he doesn't actually intend to keep, and then goes around doing what he wants acting like a free agent expecting you to just accept it?
If this was a dealbreaker for you? It's a dealbreaker then. It sucks to part ways, but so does sticking with him if this is how he is gonna be towards you now.

You might not want your kid watching this thinking that being disrespectful is ok to do to others. Or that it is ok accept or receive disrespectful treatment. Just because kids tend to think whatever is going on in the family with their parents is "the normal."



It's a shocker for sure.

You haven't mentioned it... why did you decide to open the marriage?



They aren't a waste. You had what you had and had child. But relationships do end.

There is such thing as sunk cost fallacy. So be careful with that as you do your deep reflection.
  • Whether or not you want to continue here
  • And if you do continue HOW that's going to be different so you are treated well. Him treating you respectfully. AND you treating you respectfully.


He's picking at you when he's the one who did all this heart breaking stuff? He just wants you to insta-fix yourself so he's not witnessing your grief?

In marriage? I think marriages might end physically, when one passes and the other is widowed. They might also end because it's spiritually dead, and the people are just "going through the motions." Or they just don't treat each other very nice in them.

You mentioned respect a lot. Maybe this one is ending sooner than you thought because he stopped treating you with respect somewhere along the way?

To me it isn't respectful to insist on sex just because he feels like it after being gone 2 weeks. Did you feel like sharing sex right then?

To me it isn't respectful he broke the condom agreement and then shared bareback sex with you without making you aware. You didn't get to give full consent from a place of full info. I also don't get the logic. Only hookers have STDs? He's not worried about getting other people pregnant? This is just basic sex health hygiene.

To me it is not respectful to tell you to get over it already because he is moving on. Or that your grief feelings processing all this is "unattractive victim mentality" or something.



I wonder why you have to "train your mind to be more positive?" rather than just be in a period of grief?

Is he going to be "training his mind to be more respectful? Learn foresight? Consider how his behaviors might affect others in his life?"

Whether you decide to stay and continue or decide to leave? I think you might benefit from talking to a counselor or couples counselor. You two don't seem to see things eye to eye.

It sucks to sit with difficulty, but don't rush to gloss it over with "happies" just to end up with some festering wound underneath that comes back around to bite your butt later.

Take the time it needs to really heal -- on your own or together. That is my suggestion.

Galagirl
Thanks for all of your help. This is more a one time incident. I mean he’s had safe sex with other individuals that I was aware about before and after it happened. I’m ok with safe sex, I’m not ok with someone making a unilateral decision that could affect my health. It was a huge deal breaker for me because it was rules that we set up and I thought we both understood. He misunderstood the wording of find a girlfriend. I had put opening the marriage on the table for years. He’s had protected sex with women during those years and those incidents don’t bother me because it was just sex and nothing more. We travel at different times during parts of the years and I know his level of sexual need and didn’t want him to be lonely while I am away. While I’m away I’m not seeing anyone else but am ok with masturbating or not. I can survive without sex during our time apart but I know it’s harder for him. He took the term get a girlfriend to mean an actual girlfriend in a sense of bringing her to the house and opening up to her completely. She was aware he was married which is why he stated if he were sleeping with her in our bed the wedding photos above our headboard wouldn’t bother him because it was all above board. He was away for 2 weeks, literally met her the first full day he was away. They ended up texting for those 2 weeks, he tried to meet up with her numerous times for more sex, which would have been unprotected. I asked him why he didn’t feel safe enough to tell me (he had numerous opportunities when I asked about it) about it while away and he said because he knew I would have a problem with it but in the same sentence he thought I would be happy that he did what we talked about by finding a girlfriend. He ended it by apologizing for getting her involved in this situation and stated I was tripping over the lack of a condom being used but stated he thought it was something else as well. She responded with "yea I'm out". Looking at the entire situation with what I know about her having a committed relationship that she cheated on her boyfriend I see why it was so easy for her to say "ok". My heart hurts for my husband, he really put himself out that, laid his heart on his sleeve and was trying to win this woman over while he was away. My heart hurts for him because of his indiscretion the pain it's cause us as a team and each of us individually (me more so than him).

I think in a sense he doesn’t want to see me hurt and the longer I’m hurt the longer he knows that this is breaking my heart. I mean no one wants to be the cause of someone else’s pain, I get that. His mind works in a very straight forward way in the sense of he can block things out or when he says he’s done, he is really done. So for him to be over it already, I can see that. I am going away this summer and I’m concerned about his well being while gone because even though he says he is over it and it won’t happen again, I believe with me not being in the bedroom or around the house for such a long period will hurt his heart because he will have time to reflect on this on his own terms independent of me and my feelings staring at him. Maybe I'm wrong and since he can push things out of his mind, he won't think about it and has already done the grieving that he needed to do. Because in all honesty I don't wish this pain on anyone else, crying uncontrollably at night, not wanting the person beside you to feel the bed shutter when you're trying to catch your breath.

He has mentioned that I need to see a therapist on my own to help with my personal issues and then he would be willing to do couples counseling. A very good friend went through couples counseling and ended up loosing his marriage of 15+ years, so I can see the hesitation of doing that because he doesn’t want to lose this marriage.

Thank you for helping me through this, your help is greatly appreciated. I think it's time for me to buck up and be ok because this won't happen with her ever again, and I do believe him when he says it won't happen with another woman. I just can't seem to shake the memories we make at our home and the memories and routines we have at our home that he was so willy nilly opening them up to creating memories and routines with another woman... all on our dime because our money would have been what was paying to get her out here.
 
Hello jumpinonpolytrain,

I think the key thing here, is, now that he has broken both of the rules, can you trust him to abide by those rules in the future? He says he broke the first rule because he misunderstood. I'm not overly sure I believe that, but even if I did, what about the second rule, did he misunderstand that one too or was he just planning to bring this woman into your home? I agree with you, he is not being respectful towards you right now.

If he won't abide by the rules, then you are not safe.
So sorry this is happening.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
I don't want to make excuses for him because I wasn't involved in any of his thought processes regarding this entire situation. From speaking to him, he thought it was acceptable because that's what you do with boyfriends/girlfriends. I don't agree with it but that was his stated reason. He's the type to go all in feet first into any situation (which I find great, except in this scenario). Since he's broken these rules on his first go, is it to much of me to ask that he not entertain this idea until I'm ready, which I might not ever be ready after this? I mean, we already had these rules set up, we had these agreements and I don't want to be the person who takes it off the table for the rest of our time together. I don't want to punish him for the rest of his days but I also don't want another "misunderstanding" to happen and either of us go through what we've been going though because of this.
 
And they didn't feel safe enough to say "no, that's not something I can agree to".

As you (original poster) are working through this, the question of "how to handle his indiscretion" is less important than "why does this person I've been in a relationship with for 10 years, feel unsafe in being honest with me?"

I know that's not the fun question to ask (or answer), but it's the one that will get you closer to actually having a healthy relationship. People in a healthy relationship aren't afraid of each other, and can push through the minor discomfort of being completely honest in order to foster open communication.

Why do you think your partner of so long isn't comfortable being honest with you?
Marcus!
That's a very great point. In all honesty, I can't answer that. I don't know why he felt that he couldn't be honest other than me being mad about it. I would like to believe that we can be honest and open about anything, boy was I wrong. Do we have disagreements, yes, but so does every other person on this planet. I don't know, and that's hard to admit out loud when this is supposed to be someone who knows me inside and out and I him. Apparently there is a massive amount of soul searching that needs to happen with both of us independently of each other and together as a team. He doesn't like when I tell him I love him more than myself, which maybe is wrong of me to say but when I say that I mean it. I love myself and understand the pain that this has caused me but I love him and hurt for him by being played by a woman that he laid his heart out for. I've read the messages between them, I've seen it all. And as much pain as I'm in my heart can't help but hurt for him and his heart. I do things for him to make him happy. That's my goal in life is to make him and our daughter happy and whatever cost. Maybe it's my unhealthy upbringing that causes me to love another human being more than myself.
 
I have tried this. I tried it last night while laying in bed with him. I got sad and started sobbing uncontrollably. It isn’t fair to him to have to hold me because my mind run wild. He’s a kick ass dad who loves our daughter and me with every bone he has. It’s easy to push out the negative thoughts but it’s hard to keep the negative thoughts at bay. Looking over the past decade he’s done more good than this indiscretion. I’ve actually caused more harm in our relationship years and years ago. That’s where I feel hypocritical because this is really his first actual mistake. The entire sexual incident happened, the lying by omission for 2 weeks happened, the texting her while being home happened but the incident of her coming here didn’t since it was cut off before then. My mind keeps jumping to the unknown. I want nothing more than to have a long happy life with this man, I don’t want my mind to ruin something.
You're being a little harsh on yourself if you expect that you'll be able to fully chase away your negative thoughts this quickly. You wouldn't run a marathon just a few weeks after an injury. Give yourself a break, accept you're on a healing journey and that gratitude is just one of the tools to help you along the way. Time will be another. You might like to consider what else you need to heal.

Negative thoughts happen. To almost all of us, I'm sure. But resistance to them isn't helping. Notice, accept, then counter them.
 
He doesn't like when I tell him I love him more than myself, which maybe is wrong of me to say but when I say that I mean it.

Some people don't want to be put on a pedestal like that. It can feel suffocating, esp if they don't want you "sacrificing" like that.

Are you not willing or able to say "I love you a whole lot, but not even for you will I do stuff that hurts me?"

You have to respect your own well being too. Not just expect him to respect your well being.

And as much pain as I'm in my heart can't help but hurt for him and his heart. I do things for him to make him happy. That's my goal in life is to make him and our daughter happy and whatever cost. Maybe it's my unhealthy upbringing that causes me to love another human being more than myself.

It's ok to love people, but it doesn't have to come at whatever cost, including hurting yourself.

Maybe those things in red are some things to talk with a counselor about.

In time I hope you change your mind and decide you too are worthy of your love and care.

GG
 
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He misunderstood the wording of find a girlfriend. ... He took the term get a girlfriend to mean an actual girlfriend in a sense of bringing her to the house and opening up to her completely.

Umm...

While I agree with DingedHeart that mis-interpreting the safer sex rule to apply only to sex workers is not really plausible...but -

If you told him to find a girlfriend, then why would he NOT think an ACTUAL GIRLFRIEND?!?! (not necessarily bringing her to your shared house but definitely opening up to her completely). Like the FWB or sex worker would be fine with you because it was "just sex" - so why would you use the word girlfriend instead of something more exact - NSA FWB, ONS, Fuck-buddy, play partner, living sex-toy, or whatever?

I will read on...

JaneQ
 
I don't know where else to look for information regarding this situation I have found myself in. My husband and I have talked about opening our relationship up. We've set rules (or so I thought) about what is acceptable. (my exact rules were "wrap your shit up" and "don't bring that shit home") Long story short, he met a chick and a few hours later they ended up having unprotected sex. This is all while he is away from home. He ended up coming home and insisting on sleeping with me since he had been gone for 2 weeks. He hadn't told me about his incident when we slept together. He waited until the following day to decide to tell me about it. When talking about the condom usage he stated he thought I only meant when sleeping with hookers. After doing some research on this chick, EVERY single thing she told him was a lie. It's all verifiable.
He was offering to pay to fly her here while I am away to have a weeks long love affair, which goes against my second rule of "don't bring that shit home". We have a child and I personally find it extremely disrespectful to my child and myself to have another woman in my bed at night sleeping with my husband. He sees nothing wrong with it.
My issue is, what is an acceptable response to his indiscretion? They do not speak anymore. He will not ever speak to her again but considering this was his one mistake, does he get a pass even though the only 2 rules we agreed upon were broken by him?
Ugh. What a sorry circumstance. I dated someone like this and the bottom line was that they actually didn't care about me, they just wanted what they wanted when they wanted it. It will never stop eating your heart out, and the likelihood of that changing will take a significant amount of schooling this man to fuck right. Decades. And he's gotta want to cure his own stupid. To me, if I saw this, I'd be building myself a new home in the hills and waiting for him to hump himself into a different timeline. One where you're not left for dead... Heal that heart up and keep your eyes open for more, that's my perspective.
 
There are a lot of words and excuses here, and a bit too much self-sacrifice. It is very important in polyamory (or any open relationship) to be quite specific about boundaries and negotiations.

The first problem is, he thought he had your consent to have a real gf. To fall in love, to bond, to date. Not just to have anonymous sex with.

The second problem is he thought it was OK to have bareback sex with a brand new gf, as part of being "open" with her. This is very naive.

The next problem is, he hid the bareback sex from you, knowing it put your sexual health at risk. He'd already risked his own sexual health, and the other woman had risked hers too, and that of her husband.

The next problem is, he started trying to date a woman who was cheating on her husband. That was not ethical on either of their parts.

The next problem is, you are putting his feelings ahead of your own. You have a right to feel hurt, scared, upset, depressed, anxious or anything else by this severe misunderstanding and betrayal.

Finally, what adult thinks they can only catch a STD from a "hooker" and not any other sexually active person out there? What the heck?
 
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